Trying to date a work colleague

[flagpolecorner]

Hello all, a little bit of advice would be nice. So I've been working with a female colleague of mine since April. Slowly I've been falling for her more and more but initially I thought I would wait till the end of July (when we both move on to different jobs) before asking her out but recently she's been going out on lots of dates, actively looking for a partner etc. and I got itchy feet that if I wait two months I'll have missed the boat. We get on really well, text eachother a lot, enjoy a lot of similar things etc

 

I organised for us to have drinks this weekend and things went really well. We were very comfortable in eachother's company and even before things escalated were having a really good time. We were quite intoxicated () but things did escalate and we ended up sleeping together. The next morning was quite awkward and she pulled away when I tried to kiss her goodbye and talked about how she didn't want things to get awkward at work. She then sent me a message apologising for her "misleading drunken behaviour" and that she didn't want to jeopardise our friendship nor did she think anything more would happen.

 

This might come across as a stupid/straight forward question - but should I just drop it now and move on? Is the most likely scenario that this was two people a bit too drunk and slept together and nothing more will come of it? Is the "awkwardness at work" an excuse to say she's not that into me? Could her embarrassment from the other night be overshadowing any lingering thought in her mind that she might quite like to see how things develop?

 

She's never given ideas that she thinks anything else will happen between us but did seem to act differently the other night when I gave an insight into my feeings for her. I'm not madly infatuated with her but really would like to get to know her better and see if it leads anywhere. I don't want a situation where we can't hang out on our own outside of work. The work thing also doesn't bother me at all because although we'll be in the same building we won't be directly working together 9-5 for more than a handful of days before we both leave on August 1st.

 

I'm not really sure if i should pretend nothing happened, or just give her a bit of space for a couple of weeks (not many opportunities we could meet up alone anyway) or if i should just be more open and say I'd like to spend more time with her alone. Apologies for the long message. Thanks

Edited June 15, 2014 by flagpolecorner

[nofeelings22]

Hello all, a little bit of advice would be nice. So I've been working with a female colleague of mine since April. Slowly I've been falling for her more and more but initially I thought I would wait till the end of July (when we both move on to different jobs) before asking her out but recently she's been going out on lots of dates, actively looking for a partner etc. and I got itchy feet that if I wait two months I'll have missed the boat. We get on really well, text eachother a lot, enjoy a lot of similar things etc

 

I organised for us to have drinks this weekend and things went really well. We were very comfortable in eachother's company and even before things escalated were having a really good time. We were quite intoxicated () but things did escalate and we ended up sleeping together. The next morning was quite awkward and she pulled away when I tried to kiss her goodbye and talked about how she didn't want things to get awkward at work. She then sent me a message apologising for her "misleading drunken behaviour" and that she didn't want to jeopardise our friendship nor did she think anything more would happen.

 

This might come across as a stupid/straight forward question - but should I just drop it now and move on? Is the most likely scenario that this was two people a bit too drunk and slept together and nothing more will come of it? Is the "awkwardness at work" an excuse to say she's not that into me? Could her embarrassment from the other night be overshadowing any lingering thought in her mind that she might quite like to see how things develop?

 

She's never given ideas that she thinks anything else will happen between us but did seem to act differently the other night when I gave an insight into my feeings for her. I'm not madly infatuated with her but really would like to get to know her better and see if it leads anywhere. I don't want a situation where we can't hang out on our own outside of work. The work thing also doesn't bother me at all because although we'll be in the same building we won't be directly working together 9-5 for more than a handful of days before we both leave on August 1st.

 

I'm not really sure if i should pretend nothing happened, or just give her a bit of space for a couple of weeks (not many opportunities we could meet up alone anyway) or if i should just be more open and say I'd like to spend more time with her alone. Apologies for the long message. Thanks

 

I would back off a little and show her your personality now. Show her you are a great guy. A great catch. Don't be sexual just yet. Hint around at how mond blowing your night of physical fun was later when you have her locked in with your personality. Then, get her less drunk and flirty heavily at the bar or whatever until she attacks you.

 

But use your personality now. Don't be sexual. Get lunch with her, have good conversations. Be an awesome guy. She may still chose a different guy in the long run, but at least this way, you will be in the running.

[flagpolecorner]

Hmmm thanks. I'm not quite sure how long to leave it. I'm looking at maybe trying to set something up in 3 weeks. The more I think about it the more I would like something to happen and not sure I can back off for too long

[jcrew11]

Okay, so you've slept with her once, and she does not want to talk to you anymore?

 

What kind of work do you do and what type of office environment (do they allow co-workers to date, or are there strict sexual harassment rules).

 

There are 2 things that need to be figured out:

(1) Does she actually like you, enjoy your company, and want to spend time with you both at work, and after work (happy hour)?

 

If she likes you and wants to spend time with you and talk to you, you can just ask her to hang out on the weekend (go for a hike or whatever). You don't really have to take her to a formal dinner (unless she wants to go to a nice dinner). Its just two co-workers who enjoy hanging out together.

 

(2) She doesn't want to date you because of workplace sexual harassment rules, and it could effect her relationship with her boss and other co-workers. Women don't want to be seen as the office s1ut or as sexual objects, which could effect her ability to do her work and her promotions.

 

Don't ask her out unless you know her feelings are reciprocated.

 

If you see her and talk to her everyday, you will be able to figure out if she wants to be in a relationship with you or wants to see other people.

[flagpolecorner]

Thanks. No there are no dating rules at work. We work as a junior team of about 4-5 but often there is only 2-3 of us around as the rest will either be in another office in the same building or away on a different shift pattern/leave. There are two couples in the building everyone knows about and it's no big deal. There is no problem of progression in the job as we will both leave in August and move onto different jobs.

 

In truth I find it really hard to gauge how she feels. Before this weekend she was very nice, we'd be social as a group after work. We make eachother laugh, we're happy in eachother's company, one or two other people have mentioned that they think "something should happen" between us as a flippant comment, would have occasional lunches/coffee together and on a couple of occasions she's done something nice like bring in cake when I said I'm having a rough day. I have to admit there aren't many women I could hold a conversation with for five hours but with her it's very comfortable.

 

HOWEVER, she has openly talked about going on numerous dates recently, this weekend was the only time we've been outside of work alone and she came out with genuine surprise/almost laughter when I mentioned (kinda flippantly) that "we should go out on a date" before debating the merits of what we were actually doing that evening was being on a date. Things moved on very quickly that evening (my initiation though took no convincing whatsoever) and we spent the night together. As I mentioned, in the morning she was very cold, didn't want to kiss and about a couple of hours after I'd left said she text saying she apologised for the misleading behaviour, didn't want to ruin friendship and thought she'd be "lying if it could be more". We worked together today, it was a bit flat initially but turned into a normal day.

[jcrew11]

Sorry to hear that. This sounds like she enjoys your company, but isn't physically attracted to you or doesn't see you as a long-term boyfriend. Maybe she has high standards and wants to date someone hotter, taller, richer, or whatever. Some girls are just high maintenance and ambitious, and don't want to waste time on someone they are lukewarm about.

 

Again, I don't quite understand why you need a "formal dinner date" - you can spend time alone with her at happy hour, for coffee or at a movie. But you want to have a conversation or phone call outside of work where you need to flat out ask her if she wants to pursue a relationship. Find a reason to hang out casually with her after work or on the weekend, and talk to her about your future together.

[flagpolecorner]

So as an update for anyone bothered.

 

Things were a little odd/awkward for a few days but eventually kind of went back to normal. We started to text again and this kind of went into overdrive, averaging something like 15-20 texts (each) per day often late in the evening or even when we were at work together. We started to hang out a lot at work alone having lunch, coffee etc and then went out for a casual drink once. I asked her out to drinks again after this on a friday night (about three weeks after the initial night) and she ended up inviting one of her old [male] colleagues to this. He eventually left and we had dinner, it was all very nice and we had a really nice time.

 

I was quite pissed off and thought that was enough of a sign she's not interested in anything other than a platonic friendship. However we continued to hang out a lot, went for lunch that sunday and spent the whole afternoon together. Over the next week we met up a couple of times in the evening for a drink etc - I didn't push anything and they were mutual invitations. In the space of about 10 days we'd met up about four times and spent a lot of time together and communicated by text outside this too. I was getting a little sick of the limbo that I felt in so the week after we met up for dinner again and afterwards I mentioned how I'd like things to move on and that I was quite fond of her. Unfortunately for me she didn't reciprocate and gave me a lot of chat about continuing to be friends and how she didn't want to ruin that by taking things further at all and that was that. Since then there's been some texting but not to the same degree although she still invites me to have lunch/coffee with her and last week invited me round to her place to cook me breakfast after I'd finished a night shift (much to my friend's annoyances I was weak and I obliged!). She's been on holiday in spain for a few days and has still managed to send me photos etc. every other day. Even before she went away she was talking about how we should go to restaurant x, y or z.

 

I find it all a bit odd. Clearly she doesn't want a normal relationship. I don't know if she values any sort of friendship or if that chat was just cliched nonsense. Clearly I've been friend-zoned and I think the door is locked. I find it a bit strange as although I've been 'zoned' before (!) I've never spent quite so much time together with someone without it going anywhere further. There must be some mutual attraction, no? Maybe not.

 

I get the feeling I'm being kept around for the company/ego boost/attention/friendship now and since I now know I'm obviously very attracted to her (as something other than just a 'friend') for the sake of my own sanity (and dignity...) I need to cool things off and walk away a bit?

 

Thoughts welcome.

[mirage12]

You already know what to do, you said it yourself - cool off and walk away a bit. You've already communicated to her that you might want something more and she's now pushed you away (twice?)

 

Cool off, stop talking to her so often/hanging out with her so frequently. There could be any number of reasons why she's pushing you away, but if she's really interested, she'll come to you.

[flagpolecorner]

A final update on this for the benefit of anyone who may be in a similar situation or whatever.

 

So for whatever reason we didn't really spend much time apart. Since her coming back from holiday we no longer work together. Since the last post we spent a lot of time together for about 6 weeks, going out alone a couple of nights a week maybe. Casual drink here, takeaway an evening there. Last time I saw her was about 6 weeks ago - we went for a drink, it was all very nice etc., After that quite abruptly she stopped communicating so much. Didn't reply to some texts, kept taking a raincheck for when we were meant to meet up or was busy everytime I suggested meeting up etc. Eventually about a fortnight ago when I asked if we're still meeting for dinner as previously arranged she didnt respond for about 24 hours. Then said she wasn't sure, had nothing in common, felt "uncomfortable" about us sleeping together a few months back and has felt awkward about it for the whole time and doesn't think she can get over that. Felt I took advantage of her.

 

She never said why she changed 180 degrees so much. I didn't push it and replied back saying we shouldn't communicate any further. I suspect she's met someone who she'd like to have a relationship with.

 

Feel a bit stupid having wasted a few weeks/months chasing something that was never on. "on the hook" for a few months. Feel a bit insulted that she couldn't say something sensible to my face and hid behind some nonsense texts with us having worked together closely for 6 months and got quite close outside of work. But whatever. Move on and learn eh

[Diezel]

She found someone else she wants to spend her time with. You were just her placeholder in the meantime so she could feel like she had "male company". But that is about it.

 

Next time, if a woman tells you she wants nothing more than a platonic relationship, you believe her and you move on.

 

This isn't time wasted, it's a lesson learned.

[limesoda]

She found someone else she wants to spend her time with. You were just her placeholder in the meantime so she could feel like she had "male company". But that is about it.

 

Next time, if a woman tells you she wants nothing more than a platonic relationship, you believe her and you move on.

 

This isn't time wasted, it's a lesson learned.

 

True say.

 

But

 

We've all been there right. You fall for someone and you DSM hard. Your head goes and you ignore all the signs and all the people telling you you're paddling up the wrong river. However it's the regret that kills us and so we plow on with pathetic hope and sometimes desperation. Doesn't matter how rational a person you might be if your head's gonev your heads gone. And in fairness I know a few couples who are only together (happily) because one of them was massively persistent and convincing.

 

Personally though this lady sounds like a bit of a *****. There's clearly an attraction or chemistry between you. No one voluntarily spends that much time together, texting so much, going out till the wee hours every week etc. Now obviously the perception of that chemistry is unequal and you want more whilst she didn't. But why do people treat others like that? She's kept you on the hook ok, but should v have the decency to explain things properly face to face. Turning round 4 months down the line saying things are awkward having allowed you to get close to each other is total bollocks. It's insensitive, disrespectful and downright bitchy. Just be honest ffs. You're both adults.

 

Just don't understand why men and women behave like that. It's selfish.

 

Would be interested in other people's thoughts on that though

 

 

Ultimately though this is the best scenario. Get out of the rut of not knowing and move on with your life. Good that you drew the line and ended conversation and not looked back. If she returns if her new fella gives her the push then stay strong because it doesn't sound like she's deserving of you.