Bernardine222 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Hy! I am in a LDR for two years, we meet every two three weeks and 8 hours separates us a part... SO lets start My boyfriend has been playing badminton for like 9 years maybe more, but the last two - three years all the friends split up, so he played in club like hobby. But the last two three weeks are being horrible for me, because he used to play with his best frend all the time...suddenly he met one woman that did not have partner and she needed one, so he played like two times with her - and ok i think that is ok. But i am being sick and scared that he wont play anymore with his friend, that soon he'll be playing only with this woman in couple discipline. They have competition this week and he asked her if she could be his partner in the game for that discipline... I was really shocked because in this two years he has only been playing with guys and suddenly there is this woman... :-( I tried to talk to him all about it and he told me that i should accept that because that are normal stuff, that he doesnt want anything with her, that he only wants to play...And that she even cant count as a friend, that she is only a badminton person. because when he was younger he played always in mixed couples and this two years he did not get chance so he wants to do that. I feel so sick about all of this stuff, i dont know what to think. I dont know, i feel so bad, i dont want my boyfriend to spend his free time with some other woman playing badminton...I asked him if I was there and i could not have play, would he than took another woman to play with him? he told me yes because he wants to play and that i am being very selfish please can somebody help me and tell me normal answer stuff etc. I am feeling so lost about this, i dont want that someday when we move together that he plays with some woman badminton, when i cant :/ or even better that i sit at home with kids, when he plays badminton with other woman all of your suggestions and good advices would help me a lot p.s. i told him that he should go play like this now, but i dont feel comfortable when he plays with some woman badminton and he told me that im crazy and that he doesnt understand me:(
TAV Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Has your LDR bf ever given you a reason not to trust him? If not, this is more an issue of your own insecurity. So far he is only playing badminton with her. He is not taking her out for drinks or involving her in his social life. Yes, of course you are envious of the time she spends with your bf; you are far away and would love to trade places and spend your free time with him like she does. I think that feeling is pretty understandable. But do you even know what this woman looks like, what age she is, if she is in a relationship herself? Maybe she is not a threat to you at all? The green monster makes us see things that are not there. From your bf's POV it must be hard to understand where you are coming from but I think he could be a little bit more sensitive towards your feelings. What is he like when you spend time with other men for work or for a social function? Instead of calling you selfish and making you feel crazy he could put himself in your shoes and do his best to take away your doubts and fears. A little bit of jealousy just shows that you love him so much you are afraid to lose him to another woman. But don't let your insecurities ruin a good thing. Try to talk to him and put your mind at ease re this other woman. If it is not this badminton partner there are bound to be other women in your bf's life while you are LD; you can't go beserk every time. Trust is key in any relationship. Even more so in an LDR.
justwhoiam Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 suddenly he met one woman that did not have partner and she needed one, so he played like two times with her - and ok i think that is ok. But i am being sick and scared that he wont play anymore with his friend, that soon he'll be playing only with this woman in couple discipline. They have competition this week and he asked her if she could be his partner in the game for that discipline... I was really shocked because in this two years he has only been playing with guys and suddenly there is this woman... :-( I hear you. he told me that ... he doesnt want anything with her, that he only wants to play...And that she even cant count as a friend, that she is only a badminton person.OK. This is tricky. He didn't do anything wrong (so far)... still, if he ended up playing steady with a woman... things might get complicated... Be cool about it. Be smarter than he is. When you get there, find some old, unattractive woman he could play with on a regular basis. "Trap" him with this woman, so that he doesn't have time to play with the other one anymore. He soon might find out he's bored about playing with women and go back to his friend
Els Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) I think you are extrapolating a little too much, to him 'playing badminton with a woman all day while you stay at home'... Your anxious thoughts may be running away with you here. That being said, I can get why you would be concerned. It's a bit of a tricky situation, because it's not really 'inappropriate', but the situations that lead to people developing feelings for other people are rarely 'inappropriate' anyway. Personally, I think that if you asked him nicely if he could play with his best friend instead, he should have done so if he cared about you. I mean, if ALL he cared about was playing badminton and he had a male best friend there who wanted to play with him - why would he ditch his best friend to play solely with this woman? It sounds a little suspicious to me... BUT, instead of making a nice, simple request - you seem to have gone on a bit of a spiel when you talked to him about all those extreme hypothetical situations. So now it looks like things are spiraling into a vicious cycle, where you each believe the other person to be unreasonable and are digging your feet in. IMO you should just let them finish the competition, while you mend things with your bf. Then AFTER the competition, ask nicely if he could go back to playing with his best friend, as this situation makes you uncomfortable. Edited June 16, 2014 by Elswyth
Author Bernardine222 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Thank You very much for your oppinions. Well thats what i just did, i told him after competition what i think, that i really dont understand howcome does he suddenly plays with this woman. After that he told me that she is the best among the players and thats why he wanted to play eventhough he never played with her... And on the match they were really good (so he tells me) and he told me that she was so happy that he hugged him when they won and also wants to play with him on next competition in two weeks. when i heard that i was really devastated. I asked him if that means that he'll always play with her and his answer was yes. after that i was really crazy. i told him that i cant stand that, that he'll be playing with this woman or some others women.... yesterday we talked so long and so much he almost broke up with me twice. I am really still hurt, because he told me that this is his part and he must play with the other woman, he wants to and that is his right something in this way... I really can not stand it and understand it at all. In the end, after all crying and *not really breakups* he told me that he wont play but i can not **** about other stuff and ask him to stop something like that. so i agreed on that. and today in the evening he wrote me that he isnt sure that he can really do this for me, because its hurting him and it is a big part for him to give up - so he tells me. I really dont know what to do..he is supposed to come to me on thursday but he is not sure if he wants to... :/
justwhoiam Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 It might be a matter of principle for him. Anyway, now you went too far with it to play it cool as I suggested... You f-ed up my plan that could have worked. I guess now you should stick to your guns. If he's ready to break up with you for someone whom he barely knows, then so be it. He's not worth it anymore.
yololin Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Green eyed monster. Badminton girl probably isn't even pretty. My ldr gf got angry and fought with me when I played tennis with a girl. It's just a different vibe. If he wanted to have some sort of romantic affiliation with her he would have kept the whole thing secret from you. His transparency should be noted. Of course it's natural that you are jealous. It's quite cute. But if you cy guys are gonna argue about it then you're more likely going to come across as controlling. Don't sabotage yourself. ^.^ 1
Els Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Thank You very much for your oppinions. Well thats what i just did, i told him after competition what i think, that i really dont understand howcome does he suddenly plays with this woman. After that he told me that she is the best among the players and thats why he wanted to play eventhough he never played with her... And on the match they were really good (so he tells me) and he told me that she was so happy that he hugged him when they won and also wants to play with him on next competition in two weeks. when i heard that i was really devastated. I asked him if that means that he'll always play with her and his answer was yes. after that i was really crazy. i told him that i cant stand that, that he'll be playing with this woman or some others women.... yesterday we talked so long and so much he almost broke up with me twice. I am really still hurt, because he told me that this is his part and he must play with the other woman, he wants to and that is his right something in this way... I really can not stand it and understand it at all. In the end, after all crying and *not really breakups* he told me that he wont play but i can not **** about other stuff and ask him to stop something like that. so i agreed on that. and today in the evening he wrote me that he isnt sure that he can really do this for me, because its hurting him and it is a big part for him to give up - so he tells me. I really dont know what to do..he is supposed to come to me on thursday but he is not sure if he wants to... :/ If he's willing to break up with you to play with this woman (while simultaneously ditching his best friend I might add), he's probably not worth being in a LDR with. It's not like you're asking him to give up his hobby, I'm sure playing with his best friend instead of the woman isn't thaaaaat bad. Sounds suspicious.
Author Bernardine222 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Green eyed monster. Badminton girl probably isn't even pretty. My ldr gf got angry and fought with me when I played tennis with a girl. It's just a different vibe. If he wanted to have some sort of romantic affiliation with her he would have kept the whole thing secret from you. His transparency should be noted. Of course it's natural that you are jealous. It's quite cute. But if you cy guys are gonna argue about it then you're more likely going to come across as controlling. Don't sabotage yourself. ^.^ What does it mean ..if you cy? guys..? What did You meant under its just a different vibe? What did then in the end happened - how did you sort it out with your gf? and for all of You - thanks for your replies I was so devastated this days and all of this is helping me a lot
yololin Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Cy is a typo, you can ignore it When you play racket sports, especially when you are competing, you are quite competitive. No time for flirting or anything like that. You are thinking about strategy and how to not make mistakes while beating your opponent. The guy is thinking about how to cover the court while aiming for the girl on the other side while The girl is probably feeling quite inferior knowing that she's playing with a guy and that she's the target for her opposition. All the talk during and after is about the game. I think it's quite a professional mood. I'd hate to play with a girl that was a distraction and didn't care about winning.. I wouldn't worry about your bf playing with a girl. I don't know how we resolved it. I think I just reassured her that it's just tennis and I have a gf. I went through a bunch of crummy excuses too like, I don't like white girls or, what if the girl is under 18 or over 30? but it's all to make her feel better. I never agreed that I wouldn't play with girls again though. Cos that's just stupid. Its right for you to be jealous though, I'd be weird if you weren't.
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