AVegas Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Hi, I unexpectedly began a relationship with someone who was moving out of town. By unexpectedly I mean we met organically, she told me immediately she was moving, and I assumed nothing would happen. Over the next few weeks we stayed in contact via text as we had a lot in common. We went to dinner (as friends, or so I thought) a couple of times. However, the attraction was too strong for us to ignore and we slept together just days before she moved. From that point on we were texting over 100 times per day and talking on most days. I went to visit her almost immediately and we spent the weekend together (which was amazing). Here's the twist. She moved to help support her family as her 8 month old nephew had a terminal disease which has since taken his life (sooner than expected). All of her communications with me led me to believe that she had mutual or even stronger feelings than I had, always saying how she wished I was there or she was here, how she wanted me to be holding her, hugging her, kissing her. Last week I was supposed to travel to see her. The entire weekend was planned out. The day before I was supposed to fly out she told me not to come, and that she couldn't handle the distance (and this was before her nephew passed, and as I said there was no indication that it would happen so quickly, so it wasn't the direct reason). She has a lot on her plate: just finalizing a divorce, a big move, a new job (nurse - so the hours are crazy and impact her sleep), and at the time a very ill nephew, which has now to grief and mourning. I have read a lot in this category, but it seems to me that the circumstances here are not that either of us did something wrong but rather she couldn't handle the additional stress of a relationship, especially one where she was frustrated by not being able to see me when she wanted or needed to. I'm willing and have began to give her space (using the NC approach), but I would like to make sure she knows that I am willing to face the challenges of distance (and even travel more if needed, I don't have financial restraints), but not give the impression that I am just waiting around for her. Is this different? Should I consider a different approach? Thanks.
Smarty Pants Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 How long have you known this girl? Long distance is not easy. I wouldn't consider it unless I had been dating that person for a long time.
Author AVegas Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 That makes a lot of sense. I actually only met her in February, and despite my thought of not entertaining a relationship ours began in April. Far too recent based on your statement and prevailing logic. That said, I am 39 years old and I have had many girlfriends including a 12 year marriage, and I can say unequivocally that I have never had a connection (and better yet, a mutual connection) like this. Which is what makes this seem worth the fight.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 She has a lot on her plate: just finalizing a divorce, a big move, a new job (nurse - so the hours are crazy and impact her sleep), and at the time a very ill nephew, which has now to grief and mourning. You're making excuses for her poor behavior. Even if they're good excuses, if someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you. I'd write her a letter, tell her the timing is probably not right for you guys, but you think she's a great person and if the timing ever becomes right she should give you a call. And then disappear. 1
PhillyConnection23 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Do you see yourself moving to where she is anytime soon? Do you see her moving back to where you are anytime soon? I think for a long distance relationship to really work is that there is an end date to the relationship or that at least the thought that both parties will be together in a location that they both want. If you don't see that happening, I don't see it working. However, this woman is clearly going through a lot of things and being close to her now probably isn't going to hurt. If you start to avoid all her messages in the near future it could look really bad especially with her life. You are 39 years old, you can take the ups and downs of life...
Author AVegas Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Wow, good points from both Thornton and Philly, however they are opposing arguments. The proverbial of being between a rock and a hard place This is my exact struggle. I agree that under normal conditions that if you want to be with someone you will pull out all of the stops, and as much as these are excuses (good or bad) everyone has a breaking point. I thought I could be an outlet for her, but to the contrary many LDR's are stressful too. So, I can kind of see her point. That said going dark scares me, as I believe I made enough of an impact to always be remembered, but not sure that going silent won't let it all fade away. I do know that I will move on, if so, and find happiness, but I am experienced and this certainly feels right. It's a fragile situation and the NC approach rarely works in bringing someone back, so I am thinking a little space a few days or a week at a time may give her the time to grieve, and help her family without the ability to completely fade away into nothingness.
PhillyConnection23 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Wow, good points from both Thornton and Philly, however they are opposing arguments. The proverbial of being between a rock and a hard place This is my exact struggle. I agree that under normal conditions that if you want to be with someone you will pull out all of the stops, and as much as these are excuses (good or bad) everyone has a breaking point. I thought I could be an outlet for her, but to the contrary many LDR's are stressful too. So, I can kind of see her point. That said going dark scares me, as I believe I made enough of an impact to always be remembered, but not sure that going silent won't let it all fade away. I do know that I will move on, if so, and find happiness, but I am experienced and this certainly feels right. It's a fragile situation and the NC approach rarely works in bringing someone back, so I am thinking a little space a few days or a week at a time may give her the time to grieve, and help her family without the ability to completely fade away into nothingness. When distance is a factor, a lot of rational people will just throw their arms up and give up. Especially when life is throwing all kinds of other stuff at them. I'm not saying this is the case and I'm not saying its hopeless, but she could just be saying: "I really like this guy but this is the wrong time and we are too far apart for it to work." If that is the case, it sucks but maybe it is for the best.
deathandtaxes Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 You were a rebound-type fling. You mentioned she is finalizing a divorce. Is she not divorced? Newly divorced? What's going on? That, coupled with the distance, and you're not even a couple - why even bother?
Author AVegas Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 When distance is a factor, a lot of rational people will just throw their arms up and give up. Especially when life is throwing all kinds of other stuff at them. I'm not saying this is the case and I'm not saying its hopeless, but she could just be saying: "I really like this guy but this is the wrong time and we are too far apart for it to work." If that is the case, it sucks but maybe it is for the best. First, let me say that I appreciate the feedback. It is a difficult situation to take in and by nature I am an overly analytical person, which wreaks havoc on my mind and emotions. It definitely may be for the best, if we were just going to get further involved and it imploded later. It's just hard to know. I guess giving her the time and space, and letting her get through this period in her life is probably the best thing to do for right now.
Author AVegas Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 You were a rebound-type fling. You mentioned she is finalizing a divorce. Is she not divorced? Newly divorced? What's going on? That, coupled with the distance, and you're not even a couple - why even bother? Thanks for the feedback. As for the "why even bother?", it's simply because we were moving fast and furious into something that appeared to be both meaningful and mutual. It was as if a light switch turned off. She has decided to cut bait, because it's the path of least resistance considering all factors, but the connection was real and deep (in very short order). I am not really the soft 'love at first sight' type, but it is hard to just turn tail and run because of a little challenge. I am the CEO of a company and I face challenges every day, so it's not in my nature to not bother when I desire something, and I believe there is an opportunity (due to mutual feelings) to get it. That said, I know emotions and logic don't typically work well together so convincing her may be near impossible, and she will need to come to the conclusion on her own. I am just looking for advice on any catalyst that I can provide (if there is any). 1
johnson_j Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 It just sounds like she either met someone else or spooked because she isn't ready. You're probably right, she really felt it and her logic is trying to override her emotional side. Happened to me recently too. The only thing you can do is to walk away and don't look back. If it was real, she will come back at some point and then you can re-examine where you are and what you want. But don't waste your time sitting around pining for her, when she is the one who went cold all of the sudden. It sure sucks man.
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