Dating a Workaholic

[hopefullove]

you don't necessarily need to accept this due to his hours, and it's not selfish for you to want more. As busy as someone may be, IMO if they do care about you, they'll still try to spend time with you and celebrate occasions that you care about. So there may be more to this than just his job. And even if it is just his job, then perhaps this guy isn't the right one for you, as he is not capable of juggling a heavy workload with a relationship.

 

So this guy has a habit of making a lot of suggestions and not following through and it is very frustrating. I brought it up with him on our last date 2 weeks ago! And he said to just remind him. About my birthday - a month ago he was stressing about it, wanting to make sure it was special and i felt special, then 2 weeks ago he was still stressing about it, asking me what i wanted to do and what i wanted for my birthday. Then when my birthday actually came - nothing. He wished me happy birthday in the morning and we texted a little but then pretty much disappeared til I asked him if we still had plans on Sunday and he said no it would have to be another time.

 

I am very hurt and disappointed of course. And my expectations were only built up because of him! I am trying to be understanding that maybe it is because of work, he did say he was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

 

Just started his practice? I'm betting he will be like this for years. Is this what you want to sign up for?

 

He couldn't take you out even just once a month? Hard to fathom he can't make time to go out at all.

 

It sounds more like he's not in a good time in his life to seriously date.

yeah he just started it with his partner a few months ago. I dont know what I signed up for! I'm hoping this is not normal! And only because his partner is away during the busiest time of the year for him! I had asked him for more quality time together, and so far, the past 2.5 months excluded the last 2 weeks when I hadnt seen him at all, we see each other 2x a week. He does make time to see me even if it's for a little bit of cuddling and then he will go home. And i mean cuddling. If I make plans to go out he will go out. I just hate making plans but that seems like the only way.

 

The OP is struggling with this and if this lawyer will be successful his workload will increase not decrease.

I am hoping maybe they can hire more people? Right now they have 2 people working for them.

 

Nobody is saying that the guy should drop everything to come running after her. Obviously he has to prioritize his own livelihood.

 

That doesn't mean that the OP has to put her own relationship needs aside just to support him either, especially when they've only been (sort of) together for 3 months. What you are advocating is that she sacrifice all her needs so he can fulfill all of his. That may be viable (if the sacrifice were indeed temporary) for a long-term couple where the partner receiving the sacrifice has proved that they are worthy of it and have invested in the R themselves, but not for a new relationship. And suggesting that she work for free for the business of her 3-month-boyfriend is TERRIBLE advice!

Yes! at this point I dont even know if he is worth it! I am putting everything aside, I am not dating anyone else. He is really clueless about things... I mean our first 2 dates was at the same pub. it really irked me but it didnt bother him at all, to him he likes to say it doesnt matter where he is and what he does as long as he is with me, but as a girl I want to be dated. I just don't understand how a man who had a 6 year relationship doesn't understand that. He's really smart and handsome, but also seems to be very immature and child like??? Sometimes he acts like a baby (or is that all men?), and I don't want to be his mother... and i wonder, he mentions that he was really awkward growing up, and really nerdy.

 

Move on to someone else. You both are in two different places right now.

I am thinking about it! I'm not getting any younger!

[hopefullove]

Everyday he sends me a good morning princess have a good day text.

Oh - When i send it first - he says he wants to be the first to say it. And he usually always sends goodnight texts and in the last week he hasnt anymore

The last 2 days he hasn't sent good morning texts

And whether there will be one today I don't know!

I don't know if I am reading too much into it but when you create a habit, it's hard to not notice when it stops.

I did text him that I was thinking of him and hope he has a good rest of his day on Saturday and he responded with "me too", and when I write I miss him he does right "miss you too"... but I don't know if these are forced, or I dont know!

I don't text him much anymore because he said he would apprecaite some discretion when I communicate my needs to him, so I thought I would just leave him some space. Our last convo was about him being committed to my happiness but everything needs to balance. This almost feels like a slow fade out, but I don't know if he's that kind of guy because so far he seems honorable.... just a bit slow.

Edited June 16, 2014 by hopefullove

[hopefullove]

okay he did wish me a good morning and have a good day thing today with some

i'm trying to be so understanding!

[Zahara]

Seems like his partner is able to manage a relationship and even have the time to get married.

 

You put too much stock in to good morning/night text messages. A relationship cannot sustain itself with just text messages, as well as laying on a couch while he sleeps.

 

His work is going to increase and this is the sign of things to come. You have to decide if you can sit back with no terms, no demands and no wants/needs. Or seek someone that is able to reciprocate all that a relationship requires to thrive and survive. Bottom line.

 

Being understanding is one thing, but being a doormat because you're afraid to rock the boat for fear of upsetting him is another.

[TXGuy]

I think you need to let this guy go and find someone more compatible. You will both be miserable if you stick around hoping he will change. I get the impression you enjoy being pampered and this guy is not the pampering type. He can be a good guy, but still not be the right guy for you.

[hopefullove]

Seems like his partner is able to manage a relationship and even have the time to get married.

 

You put too much stock in to good morning/night text messages. A relationship cannot sustain itself with just text messages, as well as laying on a couch while he sleeps.

 

His work is going to increase and this is the sign of things to come. You have to decide if you can sit back with no terms, no demands and no wants/needs. Or seek someone that is able to reciprocate all that a relationship requires to thrive and survive. Bottom line.

 

Being understanding is one thing, but being a doormat because you're afraid to rock the boat for fear of upsetting him is another.

 

oh. his partner is getting married to a girl he met on vacation. they have been long distance and he is sponsoring her to live in this country now. His partner was also married before and cheated on and so this is his second marriage.

 

Well I have not been a doormat. I tell him what I want. In fact when I wasn't getting daytime dates I said we are going to have a daytime date or no dates at all and so we went out. And when i press for more day dates he does try very hard to show me around. When he comes over and he brings take-out on his own. It's become very domesticated, and I am understanding because he is tired. Our last date, we did go out to do one of those painting in a restaurant things, it was really cute, and he dropped me home after. He lives closer to downtown and I live about 20km from him, he always comes to me, and the last 2 outdoor dates were downtown, and he drove me home, out of his way, and went home after (no hanky panky)... I think he is quite a gentlemen actually. So that's why I am trying to cut him some slack.

 

I have talked about my needs. He needs I need quality time and he acknowledges that, we just have different definitions. He thinks proximity is quality time and I am more concerned with quality and not quantity. Anyway I guess I can only tell when his parter returns if things change. If things will get better. things are still new so we are still learning how to communicate and learn about each other.

 

It is just really hard right now in a new relationship.

[hopefullove]

I think you need to let this guy go and find someone more compatible. You will both be miserable if you stick around hoping he will change. I get the impression you enjoy being pampered and this guy is not the pampering type. He can be a good guy, but still not be the right guy for you.

 

lol. it's not my fault it's just what I have been accustomed to!

Yeah we had a disagreement one time because we were talking about travel and he wanted to stay in a hostel and I wanted to stay in a hotel. I mean for ****s sake we're 30! Why am i staying in a hostel! I've asked him if he thinks I am high maintenance, he said no, just particular.

I did the 5 love languages thing and tried to tell him more about me, and learn more about him, i think he felt i was attacking him and criticizing his short comings... HOWEVER I have had someone who did pamper me and say he loved me but we had horrible communication, that guy would just shut down and refuse to communicate with me, where as this guy is very open to communicating, negotiating, and working on things.... SOOOOOO....

[Sunfire73]

You are probably drawn to him because he is just good on paper. But your needs are not actually met. You can stay with him if you want, but you will be constantly telling him what you want and will always be disappointed if he fails to meet your needs. You are not his priority. You should find another guy who puts effort in your relationship.

[hopefullove]

You are probably drawn to him because he is just good on paper. But your needs are not actually met. You can stay with him if you want, but you will be constantly telling him what you want and will always be disappointed if he fails to meet your needs. You are not his priority. You should find another guy who puts effort in your relationship.

Today 2:07 PM

 

you know! i am drawn to him because last year, after my break up with my serious bf (we lived together), i went on a string of dates with crazies, like unbelievable dates with people I never thought existed and I lost all hope in humanity. I never had dated people people who did the slow fade out, who straight up disappeared, I had never been stood up before! Like I met the worst men ever! They seemed normal but they were not normal!

 

Anyway - when i met this guy. He was polite. None of his texts were ever sexual or suggestive. He would plan dates a few days in advance, even though they were late. He came to me because I didn't drive. I always heard from him, he always asked me how I was, in person he was attentive to what I said and asked me a lot of questions. He just seemed very real. And yes he passed out the first few days, and I found it endearing, like an exhausted puppy. He opens up a lot, and tells me a lot his life. I do like him a lot when I am not caught up with what I am not getting out of it. He is sweet and means well, has good morales, good family, good work ethic... not romantic... some people have said to me that that's a good thing - those things can be learned... he just hasn't wooed a lot of women to know what to do so that is a good thing? Right now it's just work is his life... and I am new. I don't know i'll wait a few weeks to see if it gets better but I do care about him a lot to be so thoughtful about it!

[KatZee]

Honestly, I think you're grasping for straws.

 

It's been three months, you haven't really been on any proper dates. He blows off your birthday. He hasn't seen you in over 2 weeks now, he doesn't even initiate texts as much.

 

This guy doesn't have time for you. Plain and simple. It sucks that you like him but your move here is to move on. You're not going to have your needs met in any way with this guy. I'm not sure why this keeps going in circles. Stop making excuses for him.

 

As another poster noted, she's been with a guy almost 6 years and he works 60-80 hours a week and he STILL has time to date her and to keep her happy.

 

What are you actually getting from this person? A "good morning princess" text message? What is that?

[hopefullove]

im not grasping at straws! lol.

Besides this situation, he makes suggestions for 90% of seeing me. He's always the one who asks to see me, he's the one who initiates contact with me, the one who drives to see me after work. I feel that is making the effort there.

We have gone on dates, not as many as I would like, be we have. I just really want to do outdoor things and event and festivals, and a lot of times he works on weekends as well. He said that he has a stressful job and just wants to be with my company, alone. And I can understand that. He's not a traditional kind of guy, and I told him I am used to being wined and dined and he said he is not like that, that he would rather impress me with other things, but if there is somewhere I want to go, just let him know and he will make the reservations... unfortunately we had this talk right before his partner left so no chance to test anything out... And he really is sweet. He is happy to do whatever I ask of him, helping me with an errand, or he is thoughtful with bringing me whatever I need. He has bought me a little stuffed animal lol. He just, is different. My friends joke that i'm dating a 14 year old. For example, after an activity, he told me he was going to bring me a NICE place for lunch, and i was SO excited because I love good fancy food. Anyway, to my dismay, it was a hole in the wall pizza place with 1 option of pizza and it was warm and rubbery. Anyway, he loved it (I would be fine if it was good pizza!), and I realized he brought me there because he grew up going to that place and had a lot of memories there, and he wanted to show me something authentic and part of his childhood, as it seems like he's against trendy overpriced things. (part of me thinks because he had to go to so many pretentious places with his old job as corporate lawyer at a big firm...do you watch Suits? we watch Suits together and then he falls asleep... but like Suits... like a Harvey). He's really into places with character. And he said that place has all of its original decor since like 50 years ago. That's the kind of guy he is i think, sentimental. I've hurt his feelings before and he delt with it by asking what he could do to improve our relationship and took notes.

 

As someone else pointed out - starting your own business is a lot different than just being busy with hours. And the situation now is that he's 1 lawyer covering his own files and the files of his partners. This is the busiest time of the season for him... I'm not really making excuses for him,

 

I think he is a smart guy he wrote to me after I told him my needs... well I was doing it in the day time and it was stressing him out at work... the end of his text was...

"Timing is everything in life including how you communicate what you want. I am committed to making us happy. But it will take some negotiating. You have needs and I have needs. And we both have our daily responsibilities. Everything needs to balance somehow"

 

Anyway. I think he's a smart guy, he's sweet and he has a good heart and there isn't a lot of these kind of men out there anymore, and my friends said I should cut him some slack right now and really, I need to see how he is when his partner is back. There is no point in asking him for anything while he is drowning.

Edited June 17, 2014 by hopefullove

[hopefullove]

anyway - i think the only way to tell is after his partner comes back. right now he can barely function, I can't ask him for anything right now, it would be selfish, he cancelled my birthday... but I was reading online about lawyers, and... it's not that out of the norm for their profession. I will see if he makes it up to me.

[Els]

you know! i am drawn to him because last year, after my break up with my serious bf (we lived together), i went on a string of dates with crazies, like unbelievable dates with people I never thought existed and I lost all hope in humanity. I never had dated people people who did the slow fade out, who straight up disappeared, I had never been stood up before! Like I met the worst men ever! They seemed normal but they were not normal!

 

Anyway - when i met this guy. He was polite. None of his texts were ever sexual or suggestive. He would plan dates a few days in advance, even though they were late. He came to me because I didn't drive. I always heard from him, he always asked me how I was, in person he was attentive to what I said and asked me a lot of questions. He just seemed very real. And yes he passed out the first few days, and I found it endearing, like an exhausted puppy. He opens up a lot, and tells me a lot his life. I do like him a lot when I am not caught up with what I am not getting out of it. He is sweet and means well, has good morales, good family, good work ethic... not romantic... some people have said to me that that's a good thing - those things can be learned... he just hasn't wooed a lot of women to know what to do so that is a good thing? Right now it's just work is his life... and I am new. I don't know i'll wait a few weeks to see if it gets better but I do care about him a lot to be so thoughtful about it!

 

He may very well be a good man, OP. That doesn't necessarily mean he's the right man for you or for a relationship. I have friends who are good people in general but would make terrible partners.

 

You really don't need to jump through all these hoops for a man you've only met 3 months ago IMO. But if you do decide to stay and wait for his partner to come back then make sure you stick to your decision to leave if nothing changes. Otherwise you only have yourself to blame if you hang around and one year from now you wonder, "Why is he still like this?"

[hopefullove]

yup I agree!

He may very well be a good man, OP. That doesn't necessarily mean he's the right man for you or for a relationship.

 

he tells me he loves his dog soooo much. his family dog. but i'm pretty sure he doesnt walk the dog, feed the dog, play with the dog, but he just loves it... poor dog.

 

One more week... week and a half of this? I will keep you posted.

[mortensorchid]

I hate to say this but I don't think you and this man have much of a future. I believe you if you say he is always working and stressed out from his job. However, if a man is really into you, then he would make more time for you on top of his job responsibilities. He just would.

 

 

Years ago, I was with this loser who always had a reason or excuse as to how and why he could not give me time and energy. All of a sudden he was free as a bird (he was a teacher and school broke for winter then summer breaks) and there were still reasons and excuses as to how and why he could not dedicate himself to me. His work, his time, his this, his that, etc. Then I dropped a tremendous bomb on him (one I will not mention because it was so ridiculous) and he hit the roof and suddenly had all the time in the world to pursue that nonsense. And break it off via email with me, I would like to add not even over the phone.

 

 

He has time to take showers, brush his teeth, eat, etc. But he has no time for you. That's the fact here. Move on.

[hopefullove]

Hi Guys!

I'm here to update you!

 

MAN I HATE WHEN YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

 

After 3 weeks of not seeing this guy, yesterday he sent me another good morning text and I had just had enough of it, as I didn't hear from him on the weekend, but when the weekday came, it was back to the standard morning text.

 

I said with 3 weeks with not seeing each other, and no future plans to see each other, it is very frustrating. Also he always addresses me as "princess" for some reason, even though he's never treated me like one, so I was just being snarky and said, you keep calling me princess but you don't treat me as such. More accurate should be peasant, "good morning peasant". I also said that his good morning texts have become meaningless gestures.

 

lol. I think i'm funny. Anyway after some messages about how I deserve to be treated better, he said he has been disconnected and preoccupied at work and I deserve more of his time and will call me that night. I wrote back more stuff and he finally calls me at like 10:45PM at night. I was just about to call it a night and figured he wouldn't call and he did.

 

Anyway - He asked how I thought things were going, I said terrible, and he agreed, and I said, you don't treat someone like the way you do, you don't go through 3 weeks without seeing someone you're dating without acknowledging and end to it, or a reason as to why, and I also said he blew off my bday and didn't even apologize for it.

 

He said that he didn't have the time for me, and couldn't give me what I needed, blah blah blah. That was really the gist of it. He said he came to the decision recently, which i thought was kind of BS because, we hadn't see each other in 3 weeks, so he just came to this decision himself. I said well if you wanted to be with me, you would. He said he's not that simple, and he needs time and space for his work, and doesn't have the time to grow a relationship. I was annoyed with him for stringing me along, I said he came on really really strong, he said he meant everything he said when he said it. So I said he changed his mind. Within 3 weeks. lol. The last seriously discussion we had was when I brought up the 5 love languages with him and told him quality time along with acts of services were my #1s. And he said he already thought we spent quality time together, and I know I will never get acts of services out of a mamas boy.

 

However - to be honest to myself, I am only upset that I wasted so much energy and time and efforts on him. I tried so hard. And I wasted so much energy on him. And he never really put any effort in, he just showed up, polite, handsome, and nice. And it had been so long since I met that combo that I just gave in, and let him be. And I wouldn't have broken up with him as increasingly unhappy as I had been becoming because he was so polite and nice, and handsome. But I knew, i was really unhappy because he couldn't even try! Not even in the beginning. I just let him get by with showing up.

I feel fine this morning, i feel a weight off me. I wonder if that is a good sign. I mean homeboy basically dragged this out with a fade out, he didnt want to break up with me around my bday and said that he was preoccupied with work to deal with this. Now that his partner came back yesterday, he finally has some time, he does this. I have to admit it's kind of a jerk move. I cared about him a lot, because I could never see him caring for me... just being there... being cared for by me, and I don't want that life.

 

Anyway thanks for all your advice!!!!!

[hopefullove]

Oh one more thing I want to update.

 

I found out a few days ago. He has ADD.

 

EVERYTHING MADE SENSE ALL OF A SUDDEN.

 

his chronic lateness, his forgetfulness, his promising to do things and then not doing it, his inability to plan anything, how he looked distracted from time to time, our parent-child relationship... I mean all of this, made me question his sincerity. As much as he said he cared and acted like he did care, he would always have actions that didn't match his words which confused and frustrated me.

 

Anyway. He was a wonderful guy. And I am sad because if I had known he had ADD, i wouldnt have had the same expectations that he builds up, he really did try, but I assumed he was lazy and uncaring.