Did I do something wrong, or does my reaction make sense to others?

June 15, 2014

Right about now, I am feeling like a walking broom - or a potential egg on legs!

Here is the story (please help! ):

A little while back, I met some very nice older ladies who, after talking to me briefly, expressed their desire to connect me with a man who they thought would be great for me.

I was hesitant, and told them that I did not want to get married, but they really persisted, and so I gave them my e-mail address to give to him.

He was in touch, and we chatted about three times or so over the computer. I was honest about how I do not have a strong desire to be married.

He seemed ok, and asked me if I would be willing to meet him. He said he was going to drive over to my side of the state, and then drive to another town about an hour away to go to a store that he liked, and wanted to take me with him.

I said maybe, and for him to let me know when the time got closer for him to make his trip.

But as a little time passed, I began to feel uncomfortable driving in a car with a stranger, and decided to tell him that I was not comfortable moving so fast.

I felt that driving together to another town was more something to do once I had gotten to know him, but that for a first date so to speak, especially with someone I had never met, it just did not seem like the best idea.

So I offered to meet him and do something close to where I live, but instead of saying ok and trying to plan something else, he seemed upset, changed the conversation, and then after a few minutes said that he had to go do laundry. (?) Normally he never got off the computer that quick.

I felt a little flustered, as he seemed to be willing to come over when the plans matched what he wanted to do, but when I wanted to take things slower and meet on more comfortable terms, he seemed upset.

I wondered if this was a red flag, but then I got busy with my own life. He was eventually back in touch, and offered to video chat with me to make me feel more "comfortable," so that he would not have to drive over to my side of the state.

At this point, I was starting to feel as though he did not want to drive over to my side of the state because I had taken going to the store that he liked out of the picture, and was feeling pretty "un-special." He would drive over to my side of the state to go to his store, and drag me with him, but not just to meet me?

Hmmm...

I explained to him, very politely, that I had just felt his idea for a first date was going a little too fast, and then he offered to come over and meet me.

I put off replying for a bit, as the whole thing was starting to feel complicated, and I was feeling more aggravated than pleasant about it.

Then the other day, I received a letter in the mail from the ladies who had originally introduced me to him.

It was two pages long, front and back, typed - and they launched almost right away into how they had talked to him about me recently.

They said they were not sure if they were "premature in introducing" him to me, as he had told them that he was aware of how I was not sure if I wanted to be married, and that they had thought by now I "would have a clear understanding of what I really hoped to achieve with my life."

Next I was told how he "needs someone who will help him create a real home out of his house" and that "only a woman can do that," and that "man should not live alone." They said how finding the right person is tough, and there are so many people of "many shades and colors."

Next they told me several stories of couples who met, fell in love, and were married, and now have children. It seemed they were trying to show me how people can find happiness in marriage.

Then they said that they had no idea of my "aspirations towards domestic bliss" - and that they did not know what my attractions to homemaking were - if I wanted to do "cooking, sewing, gardening, turning a house into a home." They told me what a great calling this is, and what a great catch the guy they had introduced me to is.

They even said that they know that one way or another, he will meet a suitable lady who will enrich his life, and that he is too good to go unclaimed.

After reading their letter, I felt really upset!

They are both very sweet older ladies, but I felt as though they were really overstepping their boundaries, and prying into my personal life in a HUGE way. After all, I had only ever met them once in my life, and only for about 30 or 45 minutes!

I also felt as though I had not even been on a date with this guy, and already they had me cleaning his house, cooking for him, and doing his laundry!

It just seemed to sap any possibility of romance out of the picture, and made me feel like I was just the answer to some man's domestic needs - rather than a special woman that he might be able to consider seeing if he could love, and see where things go from there.

It was agitating me so much, and making me feel trapped into some role of a potential domestic maid, and so completely unimportant as a lady (the bad first date idea, and lack of thought that he put into it, had also made me feel pretty un-special), that I finally could not take it.

I sent the guy an email, was polite, and told him that I had received this letter, a bit of what it said, and that it had just sapped all of the joy of getting to know him out of me.

I explained that right now, because of this letter, I am just associating him with having to clean, and that for me, that is not a romantic thought, and not the way to a lady's heart.

I said that maybe in the future we could try to talk again, but right now I just need some time to step back and maybe try to separate myself from the thought of him as a man just after someone who can wield a broom!

I just felt so much pressure from the letter, and so many expectations being placed on me, that I could not see myself trying to get to know him at the moment without wanting to scream, "why on earth are these ladies harassing me about you?"

Not only that, but I had already been rather let down by his idea of a great first date, and his refusal to come up with something else initially.

The entire thing was just feeling unromantic, un-special, and more of a hassle than anything.

So my question is:

1) Were the older ladies wrong to send me that letter?

2) Would anyone else have felt how I did after reading their letter? Was my reaction "normal?"

3) Was it wrong to send the guy the email that I did, and step back from getting to know him?

4) Does anyone else think the entire thing sounds very botched, from his idea of a first date, to the letter, etc.? Any other thoughts?

I am just not sure if I did the right thing, or if other people would feel the same way?

Thanks so much for any thoughts or advice!

Edited June 15, 2014 by Audrey21

June 15, 2014

A tip for future posts...

I suggest you keep the length of your post closer to that of a shorter short story. Not a novella. I can't bring myself to read all of that. No one is that interesting. Not even me.

June 15, 2014

I think the entire situation is just weird to be honest. Why even agree to contact him, you don't k now these women enough for them to judge your character to the extent of setting you up.

As far as the first "date" that is just plain creepy. Thank GOD you didn't go otherwise you might have not been here today.

Older people (I'm assuming like 60+) are kind of nosey but sweet and they come from a different period of time where things were just, well, different as far as dating goes.

To answer your question I feel you did the right thing. Further communication is up to you but, if it were me, hell no I'm a little freaked out by asking a complete stranger to go to another town.

It's just weird!

June 15, 2014

Just keep things simple.

If you don't want strange little old ladies setting you up on blind dates, simply say no thank you when they offer.

If you don't want to drive with some strange man to a store in another town, just say no thank you. If you're still interested in meeting him, offer an alternative in the same price range as his original dating suggestion. If you aren't interested, tell him, he seems like a wonderful man, but you aren't interested in moving forward with a date.

Since you haven't even gone on a date with the guy, waffling back and forth about the date, lengthy explanations, extended complaints about how unsexy you now feel, and long emails are unnecessarily dramatic, and leave the impression that he dodged a bullet.

In these situations, a succinct but pleasant "no thank you" suffices. Then on to the next.

June 15, 2014

This whole situation is just bizarre. Who on earth are these older ladies, and why did you give them your mailing address? What is their connection to this guy? I am creeped out just reading that. I would cut all contact with them and him.

June 15, 2014

hey.

i enjoyed reading your post it was different, and nothing like i have read on here before and i have been on this site fro a long time, for that reason i thank you for posting

i am guessing that you have met these ladies who might be meddling but have good intentions well, like grandmas looking after younger ones......

they weren't wrong to do so, good intentions are simply never wrong, misplaced maybe but not wrong, they were thinking of you and thinking of him and in no way was it self serving.

They obviously care, others are calling them creepy i dont fidn it creepy i find two grandmotherly ladies with their heads together like school children thinking of ways to make people happy by matching them with another by likes and dislikes and in no way thinking of themselves a delight

i can imagine them nodding sagely going yes i think so.......and agreeing with each other...lol...sorry writer here....does one of those ladies have a purple hair rinse....lol ...with a keen imagination...... ..

such a self serving world these days leads me to feel, as i would think these ladies are church goers in fact i would bet my right arm(it sucks anway)...you using the word calling and the selfless nature of the letter....thats a godly thing so yes ladies of faith..........well,all in all, because of my own faith i find this post rather endearing, but then i am match maker myself......i am also an empath so i have made soem good matches in my time that would have maybe ended up in marriage if the guy hadnt died...........and i have four engagements as people i have matched myself with no help, adn lots of pushes from me, they could have ended in marriage if the world didnt get in the way ,the one that died was a drug overdose , if i had more time, but id didnt...so yeah my plans of happy couples were not weddings i could attend and make dr suess cakes for..........lol...ahem..... well you cant win them all, the engagements were broken...i am just not so good with myself.....and i was a match make long before i was a church goer.....always been empathic to others.....and i have worked with guys who didnt understand their gfs at all...i help others.....

be kind to them, care for those ladies, consider this guy a potential take it slow as you like, consider him, because they seem to think he is a wondeful person

way back when they used to arrange marriages in a lot of respects these marriages way back when stayed together, if they were done by caring individuals because a lot of thought goes and went behind the match

i know my answer is going to be different to everyone elses, it isnt unusual for my posts to differ.....

but think with your heart when perusing advice from people who dont know you or the intentions of such sweet old meddling ladies.....and search that heart about why you are scared in the first place......of taking chances.......dont look for excuses and blame the ladies on a well meaning letter, but search what you want out of life and why they would think a relationship was what you might have wanted.....a friend in need is a friend in deed.......good luck ....in everything...give the ladies a hug when you see them whether you agree with them or not.....just for thinking of you ......deb

Edited June 15, 2014 by todreaminblue

June 15, 2014

A tip for future posts...

I suggest you keep the length of your post closer to that of a shorter short story. Not a novella. I can't bring myself to read all of that. No one is that interesting. Not even me.

You are certainly free to pass.

For those who do take the time to read, and offer advice, I am very grateful.

June 15, 2014

Sounds to me like they are looking for a mother for him, not a partner.

June 15, 2014

I have no idea what the ages of the people involved are. "Older" could be 40 year olds to a 20, or 80 year olds to a 30 or 40.

A couple thoughts:

1. You seem obsessed with the not getting married thing, including sharing it with people at times that really aren't all that socially normal.

2. Old people say things like those women say all the time. I'm blessed enough to have two 90+ year old grandmothers. They both say stuff like that. I smile, show them respect, and ignore it once I'm away from there. I wouldn't need to find a message board to evaluate whether their comments were appropriate.

Seems like you didn't make the guy feel special because you weren't that interested. Not your fault, not his. It's not like he wooed you particularly. Going to some store isn't much of a date.

I typed a paragraph that came off way too harsh, so I'll try and re-word it because you are well-meaning. You've got to relax and just live your life. There's so much intensity in your posting for a guy you never met and some old ladies you met once.

Someday you've got a great story to tell about the crazy old ladies and your mediocre computer suitor.

June 15, 2014

Just keep things simple.
If you're still interested in meeting him, offer an alternative in the same price range as his original dating suggestion. If you aren't interested, tell him, he seems like a wonderful man, but you aren't interested in moving forward with a date.

Since you haven't even gone on a date with the guy, waffling back and forth about the date, lengthy explanations, extended complaints about how unsexy you now feel, and long emails are unnecessarily dramatic, and leave the impression that he dodged a bullet.

Yes, I did offer to do something else with him, and it puzzled me because instead of trying to find another option, he changed the topic, and then ended the conversation.

I was left feeling that the only thing he had wanted to do was go to his store.

That is what began all of the "waffling" back and forth, because rather than plan something else, he left me hanging, wondering why he did not just plan something else like how I had offered.

After some time passed, he wrote to me and asked if I would video chat with him, rather than him driving over to meet me in person, as he thought it might make me more comfortable getting to know him....

I felt as though it was suddenly too much trouble for him to come visit me, since I had taken the store he wanted to go to out of the picture and I had offered to try to find something else to do, but he did not want to find something else to do.

That is where all of the confusion started, and that is when I told him again that I had offered to do something else with him.

Then the letter from the ladies came, and it just seemed to be becoming a mess.

I did not send him a lot of long emails either. I was pretty concise, but I was clear that telling me his house needs taken care of was not the way to a ladies heart.

June 15, 2014

I have no idea what the ages of the people involved are. "Older" could be 40 year olds to a 20, or 80 year olds to a 30 or 40.

A couple thoughts:

1. You seem obsessed with the not getting married thing, including sharing it with people at times that really aren't all that socially normal.

2. Old people say things like those women say all the time. I'm blessed enough to have two 90+ year old grandmothers. They both say stuff like that. I smile, show them respect, and ignore it once I'm away from there. I wouldn't need to find a message board to evaluate whether their comments were appropriate.

Seems like you didn't make the guy feel special because you weren't that interested. Not your fault, not his. It's not like he wooed you particularly. Going to some store isn't much of a date.

I typed a paragraph that came off way too harsh, so I'll try and re-word it because you are well-meaning. You've got to relax and just live your life. There's so much intensity in your posting for a guy you never met and some old ladies you met once.

Someday you've got a great story to tell about the crazy old ladies and your mediocre computer suitor.

Thanks for the thoughts!

Actually, it already IS a great story to tell, and has amused a few.

There is just something about people who I barely know, coming at me like I am their potential egg on legs that gets under my skin. I try to be honest with others, so as not to lead them on, which is why I am honest about the marriage thing.

But yes, people who come at me like all a man wants is a maid is enough to make me unusually peevish, even if I have never met the person.

I am not someone's answer to a clean house, or their egg donor.

I guess I am just unusual - I would rather a man capture my heart first. Then we can talk about who cleans.

June 15, 2014

Sounds to me like they are looking for a mother for him, not a partner.

Yes, that was how I felt, although I was thinking more of a maid.

June 15, 2014

Thanks for the thoughts!

Actually, it already IS a great story to tell, and has amused a few.

There is just something about people who I barely know, coming at me like I am their potential egg on legs that gets under my skin. I try to be honest with others, so as not to lead them on, which is why I am honest about the marriage thing.

But yes, people who come at me like all a man wants is a maid is enough to make me unusually peevish, even if I have never met the person.

I am not someone's answer to a clean house, or their egg donor.

I guess I am just unusual - I would rather a man capture my heart first. Then we can talk about who cleans.

To be fair to the guy, he didn't ask you about cleaning or eggs or marriage, did he? The old dames did.

His only fault from what you said is picking a lousy first date.

You could have offered to drive and meet him at the store (again, still a lousy first date option) and instead it seems like you just told him you weren't comfortable and rejected, but that happens a lot, most guys just pick a public place and offer to meet.

Sounds like you guys aren't a great match, but you seem like a great girl, I am just telling you the intensity is pouring off of you even in these posts. I hope it's just a subject matter that really irks you, because I'm sure the relaxed Audrey is really a lovely girl.

June 15, 2014

hey.

i enjoyed reading your post it was different, and nothing like i have read on here before and i have been on this site fro a long time, for that reason i thank you for posting

i am guessing that you have met these ladies who might be meddling but have good intentions well, like grandmas looking after younger

Thanks for the comments!

Yes, this is another reason why I am so confused, and taking it to the point of posting here.

They ARE sweet, and my friends are telling me to ignore them, and while my instinct is to think that they need to back off, and I need to run far away, another instinct says they are just sweet and handling it in a bad way.

Plus, I do think the guy might be a great guy, but when he would not work with me to find something else to do, after I had offered to do something with him other than go to his store, I felt the natural instinct to think, "what a jerk!"

But another part of me is having the sense that he is a good guy, with just REALLY lame romantic skills.

I feel like because of the fact that he would not try to think of something else to do, it left a very bad taste in my mind, and then started a lot of back and forth, and it turned into a crazy hassle.

But another part of me thinks there MUST be something cool about him, as we had soooo much in common, more than most men that I ever meet.

Thanks for the thoughts!

June 15, 2014

To be fair to the guy, he didn't ask you about cleaning or eggs or marriage, did he? The old dames did.

His only fault from what you said is picking a lousy first date.

You could have offered to drive and meet him at the store (again, still a lousy first date option) and instead it seems like you just told him you weren't comfortable and rejected, but that happens a lot, most guys just pick a public place and offer to meet.

Sounds like you guys aren't a great match, but you seem like a great girl, I am just telling you the intensity is pouring off of you even in these posts. I hope it's just a subject matter that really irks you, because I'm sure the relaxed Audrey is really a lovely girl.

Thanks!

No, I know it makes me unusually intense, and I have no idea why it gets under my skin.

I did offer to do something else with him, but he changed the subject and then said goodbye.

I think the fact that I felt stonewalled when he did that got to me from the start, as I have dated abusive men in the past and have a hawks eye for red flags, like traits that might suggest someone who uses the silent treatment to get what they want. It seemed like a very "silent treatmentish" red flag, and then with the long letter from the ladies, I just felt peeved beyond normal.

But yes, I know I am intense about it.

June 15, 2014

I'm guessing it gets under your skin because he has some traits you do find appealing, and if he were to change up his approach, he could make you comfortable and interested in at least a first meetup. But instead he chose not to, unless you acquiesced to his every wish.

And then the old ladies criticized you for it. So it's like everything is telling you not to stand up for your needs and values.

I get it, and I think you will be laughing at all this in days. Honestly even posting on this board about this subject is likely giving this situation more weight than it deserves. You're on the right path.

June 15, 2014

Well, I don't think that you were out of line at all.

I absolutely agree about not going off in a car, out of town, with a guy you don't know. Not a good idea.

I also agree that the letter, however well-intended, was inappropriate. Just because they are "nice ladies" & chose to set you up with a guy does not give them the right to judge you & offer unsolicited advice. Simply ignore them. (Although, I would probably have let them know that I didnt appreciate it & told them to butt out).

Frankly, I would have ended it after his reaction to your reluctance to take a road trip with him.

As for your interest in marriage, I will tell you that time, age & experience can change your feelings & opinions. I never thought I would want to have a child...until my husband and I found out that I was pregnant. Boy, had I been wrong! I loved every moment of being a mother in the nearly 32 yrs. since (well, maybe not EVERY moment, but lack of sleep and exhaustion can cause agitation & frustration

I'm not trying to change how you feel about marriage, but I am trying to tell you that life is full of surprises so it's best to keep your mind--and your options--open. Never say never.

PS I am a little curious as to what store he wanted to take you to. Home Depot or a home furnishings store, perhaps?

Edited June 15, 2014 by Survivor12

June 15, 2014

I'm guessing it gets under your skin because he has some traits you do find appealing, and if he were to change up his approach, he could make you comfortable and interested in at least a first meetup. But instead he chose not to, unless you acquiesced to his every wish.

And then the old ladies criticized you for it. So it's like everything is telling you not to stand up for your needs and values.

I get it, and I think you will be laughing at all this in days. Honestly even posting on this board about this subject is likely giving this situation more weight than it deserves. You're on the right path.

I think you hit the nail on the head.

Thanks!

June 15, 2014

Well, I don't think that you were out of line at all.

I absolutely agree about not going off in a car, out of town, with a guy you don't know. Not a good idea.

PS I am a little curious as to what store he wanted to take you to. Home Depot or a home furnishings store, perhaps?

Thank you for the thoughts!

We both love books, and he wanted to take me to a bookstore that sounded really cool! It is something I would have done with him, but only after getting to know him better. I felt it was too soon to hop in his car and drive out of town, even if it was for books.

June 15, 2014

Hi Audrey! The little old ladies are well-meaning. It's pretty impressive that despite meeting you only once, they were able to pick a guy with whom you connected so easily. From what you say, they did a better job than you have on your own so far. Kudos to them!

The letter is not judgmental. For them, making a house a family home is a point of pride. They were trying to give you high praise you by saying they saw you being able to help him in this way. They weren't suggesting that your only value in life is as a good maid and baby incubator. They're from a different social construct. I'm sure they spent a long time trying to come up with what they felt were "convincing" arguments to move things along between you two. For whatever reason, it's an area of sensitivity for you...let it roll off your back. There's no need to get offended.

Now that you explain it's a bookstore, and you connected over a mutual love of books, I can understand why he's a little hung up on his dating idea. It's an awesome idea! But yeah, no way would I get in a car with some stranger either. He may also be a little hurt that you rejected his idea or offended that you imply he might be some sort of serial murderer/rapist, etc. Guys don't think safety first when going into dates. Most women do. What I typically said when faced with a great but "unsafe" dating idea was, that sounds amazing! I would love to do that. But I don't want you going to all that trouble (driving such a long distance, whatever) before we've even met. How about we do XYZ instead, and then we can save *his idea* for a later date once we've gotten to know each other a little better? Guys struggle to come up with unique first date ideas, so encourage, don't criticize when they try.

He's already driving a long distance to see you, right? Then driving another distance to this bookstore. Several options here:

You drive separately to this bookstore.
You suggest a dating option halfway between the two of you.
You suggest a bookstore (or other mutual interest) in your town.

Since you're at an impasse now, I would enlist these ladies' help. Thank them for their efforts to get you guys together, and explain how you have been a match in conversation so far. That you would like to date him, but he's asked you to go on a long drive to another town. Explain that you're uncomfortable going alone in a car with a man you will have just met. You were thinking doing XYZ in your town might be good instead. What do they think? Do they have other date suggestions since they know him better than you do and know what he might like? Would they help you on this front since you aren't sure how to convey your concern without seeming disinterested? I'm sure they'll be eager to mediate.

Let us know how things turn out. If it works, it will be a story for the great grandkids when they come home to roost at the family home! ...Oops, my bad! You aren't a hen with legs holding a broom. (Sorry, I love your imagery and couldn't resist. No offense meant. Please don't smack me with your broom!)

June 16, 2014

Thank you for the thoughts!

We both love books, and he wanted to take me to a bookstore that sounded really cool! It is something I would have done with him, but only after getting to know him better. I felt it was too soon to hop in his car and drive out of town, even if it was for books.

this i sone reason why i dotn think its too soon, the old ladies ...the guy isnt a threat to you or anyone else or they would not have set you guys up....deb

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