rogsmith9876 Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 I met a girl a few months ago who I really hit it off with. Moreso than any girl in my entire life. She lives over 1,500 miles away from me. I know I should probably not bother with a LDR but there's something about her that makes me not want to give up. The only reason I am pursuing this is because she will be here, where I live, in 14 more months. That is a damn long time to keep the attraction and keep things how they are. We will see eachother every 3 months until then. When we are together everything is like out of a movie. Picture perfect. I am not a fan of texting though. It's way too easy of a platform to get in fights or to talk so much that you bore eachother. I read that some people say in an LDR you should talk everyday. My goal is to message her once a week and talk to her on the phone once a week. Do you think this is too little? Do you think I should be talking to her more? It's like cruise control. I want to keep things preserved until 14 months when she gets here. I love talking to her but I don't want to talk so much that it kills attraction.
LLQ1986 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I met a girl a few months ago who I really hit it off with. Moreso than any girl in my entire life. She lives over 1,500 miles away from me. I know I should probably not bother with a LDR but there's something about her that makes me not want to give up. The only reason I am pursuing this is because she will be here, where I live, in 14 more months. That is a damn long time to keep the attraction and keep things how they are. We will see eachother every 3 months until then. When we are together everything is like out of a movie. Picture perfect. I am not a fan of texting though. It's way too easy of a platform to get in fights or to talk so much that you bore eachother. I read that some people say in an LDR you should talk everyday. My goal is to message her once a week and talk to her on the phone once a week. Do you think this is too little? Do you think I should be talking to her more? It's like cruise control. I want to keep things preserved until 14 months when she gets here. I love talking to her but I don't want to talk so much that it kills attraction. Text or call her ONLY ONCE A WEEK? I'm sorry but this aint gonna work for sure. A lot of my coupled/married friends are not texters too but they make it an effort to send a few texts and skype/FT everyday- it's fine if you don't feel like talking but you can have the webcam on. I was in a LDR for over 2 years. My ex and I texted everyday, skyped once a week or every 2 weeks, and we seen each other max twice a year. We were deeply in love with each other until the day he told me he fell for another girl who's in the same city with him. One thing I have learnt is, to talk to each other everyday even if it's just a 5mins talk. Good luck my friend! LDR is a battle- I'm glad that mine was over. 2
Author rogsmith9876 Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Text or call her ONLY ONCE A WEEK? I'm sorry but this aint gonna work for sure. A lot of my coupled/married friends are not texters too but they make it an effort to send a few texts and skype/FT everyday- it's fine if you don't feel like talking but you can have the webcam on. I was in a LDR for over 2 years. My ex and I texted everyday, skyped once a week or every 2 weeks, and we seen each other max twice a year. We were deeply in love with each other until the day he told me he fell for another girl who's in the same city with him. One thing I have learnt is, to talk to each other everyday even if it's just a 5mins talk. Good luck my friend! LDR is a battle- I'm glad that mine was over. I appreciate your response! I love talking to her. I just didn't want to be one to contact her so much that she gets bored with me. Maybe every 2 or 3 days is more reasonable with a Skype or phone call every 2 weeks. The thing with us is that we are both stubborn. We both wait for the other person to text first then days go by with nothing until one of us caves in. Most the days we talk are great and we have good conversation. Quick but good. I think what keeps it going is having that date set in the future to meetup. It makes the huge 14 month wait go by quicker. 1
TAV Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I think you are approaching this LDR-thing the wrong way. You seem to think that your relationship cannot evolve being so far apart and you want to kind of put it on hold; freeze the status of the relationship as it is now and continue in 14 months. What you don't understand is that LDR evolve also during the time apart. It is a good opportunity to talk about things that maybe in RL you would not talk about so soon. Talking on the phone and cam creates a different sort of intimacy. See it as a chance of getting to know a different side to each other. I have learnt that in a LDR you are forced to talk about your feelings more than you would have to in RL; because in RL you have kisses, cuddles and sex to express a lot of those feelings. But for me and my bf that is no problem; we are both pretty romantic and with each other we are very open and honest about how we feel. Also when things get hard; everyone has their off days. I'm not saying you have to talk every day for hours but only talking to her once or twice a week is bound to make you fade into the background. Her life continues, so does yours. Which is a good thing in itself but you want to be part of that, despite being far away. I'm not really sure why you assume you are not interesting enough to keep her attention for 14 months. I think you should let the communication flow naturally and not put so many rules on it before you have even really started. This is out of your control, like any relationship is. Life is bound to throw a few suprises our way, some good some bad. A relationship is not a dvd you can put on pause and continue a while later. 4
Els Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I am not a fan of texting though. It's way too easy of a platform to get in fights or to talk so much that you bore eachother. I read that some people say in an LDR you should talk everyday. My goal is to message her once a week and talk to her on the phone once a week. Do you think this is too little? Do you think I should be talking to her more? There aren't really any 'should's, but... I have never heard of a LDR that succeeded with such little contact for voluntary reasons. There were LDRs that succeeded with minimal contact, but in those cases there was no choice (back in the age of snail mail, or military LDRs, etc). If two people have all of today's technology at their disposal and no unavoidable constraints like one person working in the military or Antarctica or such, AND they only communicate once a week, I would be wagering that they don't care all that much about their relationship. 3
todreaminblue Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) when i was in the military one thing that made my day .....was to speak to those i was isolated from..i was young and i was being negged and picked on which made the isolation worse.........thousands of km away i would wait in line for two hours just to say hello on of course a land line we had no mobiles and we were only allowed to call at the end of the day......if many people were waiting behind me i would feel their impatience, and a little bit of hate thrown in that it was my turn before theirs...... and i kept my phone calls wistfully short,when i would smile at the next person who had their turn they would say yeah stuffin move would you , that keen to talk to their family or friends, and i would go to my room , and feel a little better......i thought about them all day......my mum my sis my friends i left behind......and i would call them it was something that kept me going, for i truly miss people... daily contact even a smiley face is what i would suggest....its not hard and as elswyth its not hard, and tavs post is true, it builds a deep personal bond when you cant touch someone....if you reach out and touch their ears or eyes with a text just one every day and hear soothing tones and inflections that you get to know for the rest fo your life in fact you develop your sixth sense almost, you knowq its them before you pick up the phone, some times you can eventell its not goign to be good news or you can tell it is being a good news call.......... and that you miss when you dont hear them and you wonder...i can be successful ldr...because i have senses i have developed from isolation..havent lived like a monk but it is that concept of knowig how important reaching out is when you are in a bubble missing someone, and how it develops adn bonds things and people by simple contact.....you listen closer.........ok soppy ...but thats part of me Edited June 15, 2014 by todreaminblue 2
Author rogsmith9876 Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thank you all so much for your replys! After reading everything I realized I should message her daily. Sometimes she doesn't seem very interested in talking which is why I keep thinking to talk less. Some days she loves to talk. Hit and miss. I guess I should at least show enough effort to say at least something. If she doesn't seem in the mood that day I'll leave it at that. We aren't an official couple either. I told her I don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend until she moves here. When we are together we definitely have sex, kiss, hold hands, all lovey dovey stuff. What sucks is that in person we are PERFECT. Over text she seems like a different person. She doesn't seem as loving or caring at times. This might not work out but I will not be giving up until I know it won't work out.
justwhoiam Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I told her I don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend until she moves here. Hmmmm. Ok. I guess someone must warn you about this: you might lose her before you reach your goal. You made it clear you don't want her to be your girlfriend. You're going to be FWB for 14 months. Without any commitment for the time being. And she needs to comply with your requirement. Be aware that as you're being away most of the time, and not feeling you are her boyfriend (I mean most of all, she'll feel that way), she might want to give up along the process. She might get attention from other guys. She might bond with someone else. Without feeling remorse, as she's practically single. In that case, you might regret your plan. And the time/money spent. We've read that quite a lot in this forum. Guys complain about those things afterwards. So be prepared. 1
Author rogsmith9876 Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Hmmmm. Ok. I guess someone must warn you about this: you might lose her before you reach your goal. You made it clear you don't want her to be your girlfriend. You're going to be FWB for 14 months. Without any commitment for the time being. And she needs to comply with your requirement. Be aware that as you're being away most of the time, and not feeling you are her boyfriend (I mean most of all, she'll feel that way), she might want to give up along the process. She might get attention from other guys. She might bond with someone else. Without feeling remorse, as she's practically single. In that case, you might regret your plan. And the time/money spent. We've read that quite a lot in this forum. Guys complain about those things afterwards. So be prepared. Yeah what you say makes sense. The thing is she lives in Mexico and she is a stripper. She has another 14 months left before she finishes college and moves here. I can't date her with her current lifestyle being what it is. We do have plans to hang out every 3 months. It's 100% in the cards that I have to accept at any moment she could meet a man that will captivate her and take her from me. I just kinda gotta take each day with a grain of salt. I can't expect the world. I have to be prepared to lose her. I just don't have the give up spirit right now.
justwhoiam Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 she lives in Mexico and she is a stripper. ... We do have plans to hang out every 3 months. So I hope it's not just you paying for everything, because that'd make for a different kind of relationship...
Author rogsmith9876 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 So I hope it's not just you paying for everything, because that'd make for a different kind of relationship... Nope, not at all. The most I've paid for this woman is a couple meals and a ticket to a movie last weekend. Nothing to do with money. If she was trying to get money from me I would end it on the spot.
Els Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I told her I don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend until she moves here. Okay, so you have effectively told her that you don't want a relationship with her yet. She doesn't seem as loving or caring at times. This might not work out but I will not be giving up until I know it won't work out.In that case, why does this bother you? Why would she want to be loving and caring when you're both not really in a relationship? That all only comes with the territory... 1
Author rogsmith9876 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Okay, so you have effectively told her that you don't want a relationship with her yet. In that case, why does this bother you? Why would she want to be loving and caring when you're both not really in a relationship? That all only comes with the territory... Almost everytime we talk she tells me she loves me. It's like we have one but we don't. In essence it's an open relationship. Our convos are just very short when we talk it seems like. For example tonight she told me she loves me and will talk to me as soon as she gets out of the shower. Then 2 hours go by and I hear nothing. I got oneitis, I can tell. I sit and think of why she tells me she will talk to me but doesn't. I gotta get myself to a place where I don't care.
writergal Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) Almost everytime we talk she tells me she loves me. It's like we have one but we don't. In essence it's an open relationship. Our convos are just very short when we talk it seems like. For example tonight she told me she loves me and will talk to me as soon as she gets out of the shower. Then 2 hours go by and I hear nothing. I got oneitis, I can tell. I sit and think of why she tells me she will talk to me but doesn't. I gotta get myself to a place where I don't care. Words. Words. Words. All her "love you's" are just words. How do you know she means it? Plus, the communication seems very one-sided, leaving you hanging to wonder what happened to her. Does she do that to you a lot? There literally is no excuse good enough for not following up on a promise you make to someone you're dating, especially in a long distant relationship. If you respect that person, then a follow through on a promise shouldn't be a problem for you. But you're not in a committed relationship. Since you're in an open relationship (your choice by your posts here), then I think you need to dial back your expectations. Right now it seems like you want her to follow the rules of being in a committed relationship, without actually BEING in a committed relationship. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Either declare that you are both in a committed relationship NOW and treat it that way, or realize that she can flake on you repeatedly without getting upset about it, because as far as she knows, you told her that you don't want to be in a committed relationship with her until she moves to your city which seems very controlling of you to do. Like, only you can call the shots here? What TAV said is so true. You can't freeze-frame you relationship and put it on hold until she moves there. It's not fair to say that you can't or won't let the relationship evolve while you two are apart. That you can't commit to her until you see her again. That's bogus. Of course you can commit to someone you're apart from. People do that successfully all the time with LDRs. It's required, in fact, to make it work. Otherwise, don't be in a LDR if you don't want to do the kind of emotional groundwork that's required, which can be done with Video Skyping, phone calls, emails, texting or whatever. Edited June 16, 2014 by writergal 2
justwhoiam Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 It's quite likely that she's flirting and saying ILUs not just to one guy... she's setting up not only a plan A, but also a plan B, and probably a plan C (in the best scenario)... for when she's moving out of Mexico. I understand a guy being disenchanted about this girl, she's probably trying to get what she wants the best way she can. But if her "lifestyle" admits using people is probably because she learned that people can use her all the same.
Els Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Almost everytime we talk she tells me she loves me. It's like we have one but we don't. In essence it's an open relationship. Our convos are just very short when we talk it seems like. For example tonight she told me she loves me and will talk to me as soon as she gets out of the shower. Then 2 hours go by and I hear nothing. I got oneitis, I can tell. I sit and think of why she tells me she will talk to me but doesn't. I gotta get myself to a place where I don't care. I think both of you should really just move on. Neither of you really seems to be willing to go through with a relationship and all it entails - so why bother? 1
Author rogsmith9876 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 It's quite likely that she's flirting and saying ILUs not just to one guy... she's setting up not only a plan A, but also a plan B, and probably a plan C (in the best scenario)... for when she's moving out of Mexico. I understand a guy being disenchanted about this girl, she's probably trying to get what she wants the best way she can. But if her "lifestyle" admits using people is probably because she learned that people can use her all the same. Thank you all so much for your opinions. At this point we decided we would talk daily, even if just brief. When I say brief, I mean very brief. I can feel us fading away. She has kept up her promise of taking turns messaging eachother everyday but it feels like a job/routine. I don't feel even 10% of the excitement from her I used to get. She calls baby and might say things such as "hey love" but I feel like I am 2nd or 3rd string at this point. There's obviously other men and that's not a bad thing. We are across the country and not committed. I have to expect that she could meet a guy who will completely drive her away from me. I will just play it cool for now and continue what is going on but even I am getting bored at this point. Most her replies to anything I say is just "hahaha" or "yes." She doesn't have much to say anymore but does initiate contact every other day. If I had an abundance of women I would just let her fade away but for some reason I still have at least a little bit of attraction left for her. Not as much as I did say weeks ago, but still a little bit. Given our life situations I mean, there's not much we can do anyways being from 2 different countries so far away. If things happen to be open for us when she can move then it may work but at this point I don't expect much out of this. I will hurt a little bit if it doesn't work but I am already prepared mentally and emotionally for her disappearance from my life if it happens.
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