Zeroheath Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Why do we love moments? Hi, my semi rant starts with this story. I've met this girl two months ago, met her online. I was not that into her looks, she looked actually very good, a model, but not my type. We started talking and after a thew days, we really hit it off, talked non stop and i started falling for the moments i had with her, but because i am stupid and superficial, i didn't fall for her. I started loving the fact we were so similar, you know that feeling when you find someone and you cannot believe how awesome and similar she is. We spent nights online, it was like we was in a relashionship. Then we met and surprise, surprise, we clicked. I mean, she was really into me, but instead, i was paying attention more at her imperfections. Yeah, she had some habbits that i disliked, but i liked her, but i was not in love with her. And i mean really like her, but when the days passed, i realised i loved those moments with her, but i dislike being with her, people seeing me with her or having more that casual sex. To be fair, after the second date, i told her i don't want a relashionship. We had a lot of talk regarding this, but we kept on going out. I started caring so much, but just as a friend, while she started falling in love with me. A thew days ago, i was in a club, and a girl approached me, and after a thew minutes, we kissed. Just that, no sex or anything else. I went home and started crying an realised what the hell i was doing. The next day, i ended up with this girl, well, i tried to keep her as a friend, but she refused. I miss her friendship and i know i am selfish for wanting her to accept the situation, but somehow, i think this is better. Why do we love moments, why do we love all the wrong people and when we actually meet some persons that will be for us when we need them to, we become shallow, we don't love them like it will be normal to do? Has anyone been with someone, just because he/she knew that person will be there for us, best said, has everyone settle just for the sake of some moments they had and for some thing they had in common with the other person?
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) i have gone out with guys for sympathy reasons.....to show them a good time.....boost self esteem and confidence normally they have been stuffed up in previous relationships or overlooked for physical flaws shallowness in other words.............i will not do this anymore....i am not a stepping stone......if i am going to step someone he better be worth my while.....and most guys i have been with gain confidence from beign with me....because i have that in me to give them that for once ill find the guy who is right this time for me...i have let things slide before i wont anymore...and i am not a shallow person by any regard shape or form,i am forgiving, but the guy has to love only me and if that isn't enough then see ya guy, good luck wish you well in love and life......and ill drop them off at the wading pool and stroke out to deep water where i excel at swimming... i dont want a guy to settle for me but settle with me and be happy....... and the same in reverse, and then both of us head to deep water and into becoming expert swimmers im in for that im in for hard yards i dont expect to go it alone in that..i have mad skills......... anything else...waste of time and effort if they cant see what i have to offer or who i am....deb Edited June 14, 2014 by todreaminblue
torturedartist Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Why do we love moments? Hi, my semi rant starts with this story. I've met this girl two months ago, met her online. I was not that into her looks, she looked actually very good, a model, but not my type. We started talking and after a thew days, we really hit it off, talked non stop and i started falling for the moments i had with her, but because i am stupid and superficial, i didn't fall for her. I started loving the fact we were so similar, you know that feeling when you find someone and you cannot believe how awesome and similar she is. We spent nights online, it was like we was in a relashionship. Then we met and surprise, surprise, we clicked. I mean, she was really into me, but instead, i was paying attention more at her imperfections. Yeah, she had some habbits that i disliked, but i liked her, but i was not in love with her. And i mean really like her, but when the days passed, i realised i loved those moments with her, but i dislike being with her, people seeing me with her or having more that casual sex. To be fair, after the second date, i told her i don't want a relashionship. We had a lot of talk regarding this, but we kept on going out. I started caring so much, but just as a friend, while she started falling in love with me. A thew days ago, i was in a club, and a girl approached me, and after a thew minutes, we kissed. Just that, no sex or anything else. I went home and started crying an realised what the hell i was doing. The next day, i ended up with this girl, well, i tried to keep her as a friend, but she refused. I miss her friendship and i know i am selfish for wanting her to accept the situation, but somehow, i think this is better. Why do we love moments, why do we love all the wrong people and when we actually meet some persons that will be for us when we need them to, we become shallow, we don't love them like it will be normal to do? Has anyone been with someone, just because he/she knew that person will be there for us, best said, has everyone settle just for the sake of some moments they had and for some thing they had in common with the other person? I could totally hear Kip from Napolean Dynamite saying that. The point being that you're being way too cerebral. Do this for me. Grab a piece of paper and take the following test: 1) Do I really want to be with this person: a) Yes b) No Pretend that your grandma is standing next to you, ready to beat you with a rolling pin if you answer dishonestly. Answer honestly and either move on, or make a move and stop thinking about it so damn much. 1
Author Zeroheath Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I could totally hear Kip from Napolean Dynamite saying that. The point being that you're being way too cerebral. Do this for me. Grab a piece of paper and take the following test: 1) Do I really want to be with this person: a) Yes b) No Pretend that your grandma is standing next to you, ready to beat you with a rolling pin if you answer dishonestly. Answer honestly and either move on, or make a move and stop thinking about it so damn much. No. the answer is no. But i want to, somehow, because we have a connection. The thing is that i did this in the past, i was with someone i had a connection too, spent almost a year and a half and in that time, i was unhappy after the first too months, but i stayed because she was in love with me. The point is this, i have 30 years and even if i like spending time with her, miss her when she is not around, i don”t see a future with her. I have the answer right there. I am scared that if i do not make a move now, i might regret it, but why go when your heart is not in it?
sillybint Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 The problem was, you lead her on - telling her you didn't want a relationship, then spending time with her in a 'romantic' non platonic fashion was your biggest mistake. You should've kept it platonic. If you had, she might still be your friend now. Honesty from the outset, is the best policy imo. 1
morbot_k Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 No. the answer is no. But i want to, somehow, because we have a connection. The thing is that i did this in the past, i was with someone i had a connection too, spent almost a year and a half and in that time, i was unhappy after the first too months, but i stayed because she was in love with me. The point is this, i have 30 years and even if i like spending time with her, miss her when she is not around, i don”t see a future with her. I have the answer right there. I am scared that if i do not make a move now, i might regret it, but why go when your heart is not in it? What is it that makes her someone that you don't see a future with as opposed to someone you have dated that you do see a future with? Can you articulate what's missing?
Author Zeroheath Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 What is it that makes her someone that you don't see a future with as opposed to someone you have dated that you do see a future with? Can you articulate what's missing? Well, i am just not that into her, platonically, i am not that attracted to her. Mentally, she is one of a kind, we have, or had a perfect chemistry, but in the final hour, i was not that attracted to her. She has some turn off things that i couldn't just pass, had a somekind of bisexual history and so on, a thew more things. I just. But overall, i just liked her, i was not in love with her and i am convinced that would not change. @Sillybint I know, i have this problem, i can't tell people that i am not that attracted to them. I just use that it's not you it's me thing.
morbot_k Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Well, i am just not that into her, platonically, i am not that attracted to her. Mentally, she is one of a kind, we have, or had a perfect chemistry, but in the final hour, i was not that attracted to her. She has some turn off things that i couldn't just pass, had a somekind of bisexual history and so on, a thew more things. I just. But overall, i just liked her, i was not in love with her and i am convinced that would not change. @Sillybint I know, i have this problem, i can't tell people that i am not that attracted to them. I just use that it's not you it's me thing. So you don't find her physically attractive? If that's the case she is not right for you. Physical attraction is part of what makes someone right for you. It's not the future that is the issue, it's the present.
Author Zeroheath Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 So you don't find her physically attractive? If that's the case she is not right for you. Physical attraction is part of what makes someone right for you. It's not the future that is the issue, it's the present. Yeah, i don't find her that physically attractive, even if she is beyond gorgeous for everyone else.
morbot_k Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Yeah, i don't find her that physically attractive, even if she is beyond gorgeous for everyone else. Oh well sucks for you, great for everyone else! 1
DitzyPanda Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I have a FEW questions for you: You say she's not physically attractive; is she ugly? But clearly this girl you're talking to is attractive in some way because you want to keep her in your life. You're leading her on by not making it clear to her what you want and to be honest you're not making clear to us. You don't want to be just friends yet you don't want a relationship with her. Sounds like you want a sex friend at this point, but then you say you don't find her attractive. Maybe you're too picky and the poor girl is wasting her time waiting for you? 1
Author Zeroheath Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I have a FEW questions for you: You say she's not physically attractive; is she ugly? But clearly this girl you're talking to is attractive in some way because you want to keep her in your life. You're leading her on by not making it clear to her what you want and to be honest you're not making clear to us. You don't want to be just friends yet you don't want a relationship with her. Sounds like you want a sex friend at this point, but then you say you don't find her attractive. Maybe you're too picky and the poor girl is wasting her time waiting for you? She is actually very beautiful, but not for me. She was a model, slim body, thin, beautiful face, etc, but you know, i just don't feel it with her, i just like her, i am not in love with her. We had sex, it was awesome. Yes, i lead her on because i want her in my life, i want her as a friend i think and i hate that this happend. My problem is this, i have this regret, this pain, that all the things for me to love her were there: she is faithfull, she is caring, but my heart isn't in the right place. I love only moments that i had with her, i don't love her and will not do that. This is what hurts the most, having this regret, this pain of why this is happening. I know is egocentric to think so and to want that, because she felt for me, but it hurts not having her around.
DitzyPanda Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 You can never have the same platonic relationship you had before because you had sex with her and led her on. I feel sorry for her and I think the best way to solve your problem is for her to stop communicating with you regardless of you wanting her in your life. It's wrong to string people along like that and you know it.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 If you do not fall for someone, that means they are not right for you. You can have an attraction to someone, but as you have witnessed, you don't fall for them unless they do "fit" So to me, its not about not not being able to love someone who is right for you, because if they were right for you, you would feel love for them.
Author Zeroheath Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 But what is this i am feeling then? Am i needy? That is why i need her in my life? I am independent, good job, social life, and still i think about her. But when i have her, i want to go out, to get out from there as soon as possible. Avoid going places with her, meeting with her friends, or mine, just this. Regarding the if they are right for you, i loved in my life women that were not for me and a little too late i found that, after they put a mark on me, but for the persons that are, persons that would be there for me, loving me, that i saw they were genuine, that are "fit", i would reject them and i know that is wrong and i still do it just because i am not capable to love them. So this is my problem, we, as humans, tend to love people that are not right and end up getting hurt, but when we meet someone that would be great for us, we pass it by almost every time.
littleplanet Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 She is actually very beautiful, but not for me. She was a model, slim body, thin, beautiful face, etc, but you know, i just don't feel it with her, i just like her, i am not in love with her. We had sex, it was awesome. Yes, i lead her on because i want her in my life, i want her as a friend i think and i hate that this happend. My problem is this, i have this regret, this pain, that all the things for me to love her were there: she is faithfull, she is caring, but my heart isn't in the right place. I love only moments that i had with her, i don't love her and will not do that. This is what hurts the most, having this regret, this pain of why this is happening. I know is egocentric to think so and to want that, because she felt for me, but it hurts not having her around. So be upfront and honest about what you feel (or more to the point - don't feel.) It's not a crime to not love someone. When I was young, I used to see this going on around me all the time. I never knew much of it for very long, because either me or the WIQ (woman in question) didn't have the patience for it. It was just what people did between relationships. Sometimes it was better than nothing. Sometimes nothing was better. It usually ended when one fell in love, and the other didn't (for obvious reasons.) It was how we learned the difference between real love, real attraction, real chemistry.......and the great pretension, you know? It was how we learned that honesty can't really be negotiated with. One of my greatest lifelong friends......was someone with whom, at quite a young age - we went through the whole thing - getting the romance out of our system....so that we could move on to what we were best at. We worked a whole lot better as friends than romantic partners. Your pangs of conscience (or whatever they are) should be your guide. Flesh doesn't always have to be so weak, you know.........
sillybint Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Basically, you want your cake and to eat it too. You want to keep her in your life because it hurts YOU to think of life without her - yet she is falling for you and is going to get hurt. Seriously dude, stop being so selfish for one second of your life and think about HER. You need to cut contact, that's the only way I see this working out. She's falling for you, yet you give her the line 'it's not you, it's me' which makes her believe (wrongly) that you might be in a place ONE DAY to be with her. You need to man the eff up and tell her how it is and cut contact. She needs to find a guy (friend/boyfriend, whatever) that will stop playing her like a banjo.
Author Zeroheath Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 That is what i am trying to do, i broke it up with her, but i found myself thinking oh how i miss her, looking at her profile on Facebook or Instagram. I cut it off, but why does it hurt so bad?
DitzyPanda Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 That is what i am trying to do, i broke it up with her, but i found myself thinking oh how i miss her, looking at her profile on Facebook or Instagram. I cut it off, but why does it hurt so bad? Because it's suppose to. It's the same feeling she had being strung along all this time. This situation shows how much of a fickle person you are, and so, you must take some time to realize what you really want.
Author Zeroheath Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 I will take a step back, i will step back a couple of weeks and see how i feel. I need time alone to feel if i want her and if i will decide i do, then i will show her that every single day. But i need some time alone.
Author Zeroheath Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 After a thew time alone, i decided to gave it a go, i said to her all that i felt and decided to go out with her. I said listen: I do not love you, but i care about you and i want to work because we have a connection. She said yes and for a couple of days, all was well, then, she had a moment, a weird one, when she got drunk, and after he had a nice full day together, she had a rant. At that moment, i realised i can”t love her, so i decided to walk away, telling her the truth. She insulted me, i did not respond. Now, after a thew days, she called me again, trying to get back together with me, but i saw something that day that made me realise i will not love her, even if i like her. My decision is final, i did a lot of wrong in this, but i was honest from the start. All i wanted was to learn to love her.
Haydn Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Because 'USUALLY' the people who are good for us just don't do it for us. Not always.
Author Zeroheath Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Because 'USUALLY' the people who are good for us just don't do it for us. Not always. Sadly, that is the case.
readynow Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Because 'USUALLY' the people who are good for us just don't do it for us. Not always. And this is what i've always wondered about and what I thought the OP was talking about. How come those that are good for us just don't do it for us? And if we know they're good for us, isn't it worth staying with them and hope 'something' does grow out of it? 1
Author Zeroheath Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 And this is what i've always wondered about and what I thought the OP was talking about. How come those that are good for us just don't do it for us? And if we know they're good for us, isn't it worth staying with them and hope 'something' does grow out of it? This is actually the reason i wanted to try to make it work. But i did this once, i did it when a was younger, it lasted actually 2 years, but after one year, i was unhappy. Having that experience, i knew (a little too late this time), that love will not come, that something will not come even if i want that. You can't dictate your heart. It's almost impossible. I hate that the fact i was convinced i could do that.
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