anemptycup Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) don't want to make this competitive or anything - i'm just curious how anyone else who's on their 5 month mark is doing... - i've been NC for 2 months now... contact was broken twice in 5 months. - i've been doing a lot of self help - eating well, keeping fit - but, don't have any friends to hang out with - it's not that i have difficulty making friends - i just don't feel that drive to go make new friends and hang out with them - i'm a bit of an introvert and find it more draining being around people (i've been told this is a mistake and will slow down my healing) ***here's where i am: not crying everyday like i was months ago... i rarely cry now - maybe once every 2 weeks... i sleep well, maybe too well... I don't have that painful heartache anymore... but i think of her a lot during the day... she slept with other guys soon after our break-up and for me ended any possibility to ever get back with her - so in my mind while, i miss her and wish things could magically work out - i know that i won't ever be the one to go back to her... and if she came back, she'd really need to make a great case - and i doubt that would happen. i still have confusion about who's the dumper and dumpee... i broke up with her over an argument we were having on email - but the next day was sorry and was begging her back - she said she had had enough because i had broken up with her in the past - 2 weeks later i saw her and begged and begged and cried and she was cold and a stone wall - she was already dating someone else - so while i did initiated teh break-up - i still feel like the dumpee... and i think she also feels the same - not sure if she's teh dumpee or dumper... in short - where i am now is i feel a dull, numb... depression deep inside... lack of drive and interest in things - but, it's not confining me to my bedroom - i am making an effort to be outdoors... i haven't gone on any dates yet - but have been on okcupid everyday since the break-up.. just looking and talking to people... i don't really feel much of a drive to do anything - i feel like i'm trying to re-discover what i'm truly passionate about - and i'm hopeful the path will light up more clearly as i grow the self-love within me more - that has been my focus. I wonder how the other 5 monthers out there are doing... would love to hear from you! Edited June 14, 2014 by anemptycup
irishsimon Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) Its 4 months today since I started on this path. I'm pretty much where you are. The one problem is I have to see her up to 6 individual times a week because of our son. Its really tough. She is with someone else. But y'know I'm doing it. In fact I've been doing so well my ex has been looking for reaction. She hasnt had one yet. For me it means NIC. I respond to texts regarding my son though she doesn't send any others anyway. Our 'contact' relationship makes me feel a bit stuck at times. Overall the highs are really good and lows are lessening in intensity by the week. Things are, in a way, starting to find their own balance. But...I'm not sure where I go from here. I do project into the future a bit too much. It's not always a nice place for me... remnants of the emotions I have been dealing with. I can really relate to the 'finding your passion' comment. I had this before. It's only when you look back you can see how important having a passion is to mental health and emotional stability. There are many reasons why 4 months ago was a pivotal point in my life. So now I wonder if its something new I'm looking for or is it something I already do and have lost. I understand the making new friends stance. I feel its something that eventually comes without much fanfare, just naturally when you are ready - though that pull for solitude and self reflection might always be there..even if it wasnt before for some. This is something I imagine many experience as they begin to develop self awareness of their own behaviour... though I have been self aware for years but almost unable to take a final much needed step. I have also been on a fair number of meetups which helps immensely. Dinner meets are brilliant. A few drinks and conversation with random people is great for the soul. I encourage everyone to try it. Edited June 14, 2014 by irishsimon 1
erklat Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I'm a five monther no longer, but I remember I was a wreck. Something like you described. 1
ProcessingThisBU Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I'm 4 1/2 months on the road since the BU. 1 month NC. Sometimes I feel that no time has passed at all. Sometimes I feel it has been an eternity and that I should not feel like this anymore. But then I remember I have to have patience with myself 'cause it's a process. I have noticed that when I'm alone on the weekends are the worst days. Last Friday and yesterday I was very depressed. Yesterday I called a friend and we hung out on the afternoon and evening. It helped me a lot, to be distracted and not in my home crying anymore. So yes, it helps to go out and distract yourself. I was feeling so sad, that I thought I just have to go out and see people and walk anywhere just to get distracted and refreshed. I haven't received any contact from her on the last month, but because of mutual friends I found about that she was going on a trip for her birthday with her new bf. Even when the things between them are not ok (that's what they said). I think this is what set me back to day 1, 'cause I started imagine her and this guy on the trip. I was doing better previous to that. Since that, I asked this people to not tell me anymore about her. I don't wanna know. So I don't know how the trip was for her, and if she's still with him. It's difficult because sometimes I just wanna know. And then I think yeah and what's the point to know that? Either way is hurtful and all I do is fuel my stories about her. So I don't ask and I don't snoop. Not easy. But we have to be strong, every day that passes we are closer to our healing. Just think that. Maybe we should not even count the time, 'cause maybe it sets expectations. I don't know. Let's keep taking hits and moving forward, that's how winning is done. (haha Rocky quote) 1
Lifegoezon Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 5 months since BU for me too. But really, like the rest of you it's not 5 in NC which is the more important measure because that's when the healing starts for real. I never wanted my ex back - he cheated and lied so I dumped him. But I had to grieve for the loss of the relationship and the person I thought he was. NC was broken a few times in the early weeks, but now the urge to stalk online has died away, I don't think of him with the same pain and loss, I'm enjoying single life doing my own thing and having adventures, reconnecting with friends. I won't forget him and I'm getting closer to indifference. Life really does go on. 1
Author anemptycup Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 NC is crucial - if you receive any new information about your ex - ANYTHING - it's basically like starting over... i had 5 months BU - broke contact twice during that time - with some stalking - but last 2 months has been strict NC - she emailed me last night after i made this post.... this is what she said I don't even know where to start off...but I've been wanting to reconnect with you pretty much all the time since we stopped talking and would always stop myself. I keep replaying do I really need to do this all myself? And like we talked about...this is a forever ongoing process of self-love and improvement. But if I let my own self critic that is so harsh on myself who is never satisfied then when will be the point that I can contact you and say I am transformed? It will always tell me never. You know? I hate that...I know that's not true. I know we need to be in the present and love ourselves now...in the present with all the flaws. Accepting...understanding. ...loving...forgiving...gentle....so shouldn't that also be the same with us? Shouldnt we love each other in the present, if we truly are on the same path? Think about it... I think so...and I was wrong before and you were right. I know I shouldnt use you as a crutch and I dont want to, but I shouldn't have to push you.away because I would have to push u away for a long time...maybe even practically forever. I don't want that. I don't....especially if we truly are on the same path. I miss you...and I want to open the doors to the possibility of seeing if we are truly on the same path. Hang out and see if it is right. No finger pointing or score cards...just us...helping each other being in the present and being mindful.of our self-love during our time on this planet. I dont know...it just feels right to do for me Please express what you feel is right for you and on your heart. NC is crucial to healing - letting go is SO hard.... but, we have to accept that our healing will mirror how much we are willing to let go... good luck and love to everyone out there.
guest572 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Another 5 monther here... Also been in no contact for 2 months. For the last month or 2 I was on anti depressants and they are the only thing that has helped me. But I stopped taking them because I was sooooo happy and thought I could deal without them. The medication made me forget all about him. A few days after I stopped the tears came back. I guess it just delayed the process and now I have picked up where I left off. Although it does feel a little less raw now. I am still having trouble dealing with the fact that he is gone forever. It's like he has died. I can't handle it.
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 this is what she said I don't even know where to start off...but I've been wanting to reconnect with you pretty much all the time since we stopped talking and would always stop myself. I keep replaying do I really need to do this all myself? And like we talked about...this is a forever ongoing process of self-love and improvement. But if I let my own self critic that is so harsh on myself who is never satisfied then when will be the point that I can contact you and say I am transformed? It will always tell me never. You know? I hate that...I know that's not true. I know we need to be in the present and love ourselves now...in the present with all the flaws. Accepting...understanding. ...loving...forgiving...gentle....so shouldn't that also be the same with us? Shouldnt we love each other in the present, if we truly are on the same path? Think about it... I think so...and I was wrong before and you were right. I know I shouldnt use you as a crutch and I dont want to, but I shouldn't have to push you.away because I would have to push u away for a long time...maybe even practically forever. I don't want that. I don't....especially if we truly are on the same path. I miss you...and I want to open the doors to the possibility of seeing if we are truly on the same path. Hang out and see if it is right. No finger pointing or score cards...just us...helping each other being in the present and being mindful.of our self-love during our time on this planet. I dont know...it just feels right to do for me Please express what you feel is right for you and on your heart. If I would recieve this I would not really know what to make of it? She writes a lot about herself, it sounds a bit selfcentred to be honest. I am past 5 months, but recognized what you wrote on the paradox, missing and wanting but knowing that you have changed due to the actions taken by the other half.
erklat Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Another 5 monther here... Also been in no contact for 2 months. For the last month or 2 I was on anti depressants and they are the only thing that has helped me. But I stopped taking them because I was sooooo happy and thought I could deal without them. The medication made me forget all about him. A few days after I stopped the tears came back. I guess it just delayed the process and now I have picked up where I left off. Although it does feel a little less raw now. I am still having trouble dealing with the fact that he is gone forever. It's like he has died. I can't handle it. Antidepressants take about 2 months to start working. I guess you had SSRIs like I have, so it was something else. Also, I find anxiety anxiety relievers more beneficial when it comes to breakup pain.
guest572 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Antidepressants take about 2 months to start working. I guess you had SSRIs like I have, so it was something else. Also, I find anxiety anxiety relievers more beneficial when it comes to breakup pain. SSRIs are antidepressants. Not sure what you mean? This one kicks in pretty fast so I was quite happy with it. I know for certain that it worked because once I stopped the bad feelings came back.
jphcbpa Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Going on 6 months (18 mo. R). Strict NC except to coordinate moving furniture a couple of different times. Had thoughts of her this morning, even some tears. Yes, I miss her as a person, but not as a partner. She was very bad with communication and sharing her world with me. Now, with the help of NC, I can see that she is just not available, she is detached and cannot be vulnerable. I need more than that in a partner. In the end, there is not a damn thing I can do about that her. All I can do is keep the focus on me, growing, learning, healing, living life. I have learned a great deal about myself these past months. It has been a blessing. Painfully beautiful. Have been talking with other women here and there, but either way I don't care. Frankly, I probably need to just take the year off from dating and live my life.
Michael 93 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Currently around 6 1/2 months since B/U. NC is a measly 1 and a half weeks!! Pathetic I know. Just haven't had the courage or determination to hold off contact previously. Feel much much better about myself now. Going to give this a proper go, I've give it everything I could and unfortunately it just wasn't meant to be I guess. At least I could look at the situation and say "I did all I could" Not really struggling at the moment. Not tempted to call, I have never ever been tempted to snoop. Not since day 1 of B/U. I believe that is the worst way for pain, social media snooping. I cave when calling her. Haven't tried though in a week and half, I could be blocked for all I know. We work for same company (quite small) so I'm sure she will hear things sooner rather than later. This could be the reason why she hasn't contacted because she still hears of me.. Just a guess. She always made a point of saying we would never lose contact. I remember it. Still think of her everyday at the moment, its mostly the good things and times we shared but by going NC I'm hoping my feelings and thoughts will entangle themselves and I will see the clearer picture. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to be happy and enjoy myself. Don't find myself speaking about her hardly anymore which is a positive step. What more can we do other than keep going? I hope that one day I will meet someone who blows my socks off the way she did. Mike
Itspointless Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Now, with the help of NC, I can see that she is just not available, she is detached and cannot be vulnerable. I need more than that in a partner. In the end, there is not a damn thing I can do about that her. All I can do is keep the focus on me, growing, learning, healing, living life. Seven months here. Your posts are always insightful and motivating for me. Thanks you for that.
erklat Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 SSRIs are antidepressants. Not sure what you mean? This one kicks in pretty fast so I was quite happy with it. I know for certain that it worked because once I stopped the bad feelings came back. That is the reason I asked if you had anxiety relievers because SSRI antidepressants take 6-8w to start working. That means that you stopped before they kicked in. You should stick to your prescription and not quit without consulting your psychiatrist.
ProcessingThisBU Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Man how are you handling that email? I think the email is all about her, what she feels, what she wants, what she NEEDS (your emotional support bro). But anyway, from my perspective, you did the right thing man. This girl now realize what she lost. And you were thinking that her life was awesome with the other dudes... (me too on that one...) I think that email should give you the peace that you did everything right and that she showed her truly self (sleeping with other guys right after the bu, etc) during the break up. You should realize that this girl is not for you, 'cause you deserve better. Yeah, you maybe love her, but you have to let her go, for more good things to come.
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