My friends think I'm insane for dating him

[veggirl]

tell him you are happy to hang out but won't waste your time being exclusive with someone who doesn't want a relationship!

[ktya]

I have been there with boyfriend who broke up with me but then came around when he tought I might date someone else because he didn't want that either. He stayed around but wouldn't discuss future anymore... said he wanted to figure things out. I thought he would change his mind. He even said he loved me. He didn't. Just wasted over a year of my life (that's not including the "real" relationship.

 

After my ex fiancee dumped me she was like this for a year. When I had a girlfriend she was my best buddy, she'd talk and reminisce about the old times knowing damn well I wanted a chance to get back together with her. When I was single and really needed a female friend, she would vanish.

 

The whole time she kept telling me that I should just stay single for a while. Meanwhile through the grapevine I was aware that that year she slept with over 15 different guys, called two of them boyfriends.

[Mrin]

Ok, this is probably going to irritate some of the folks here but I'm going to give you a different opinion. I think some of the advice here is off base. Not on the actual advice but rather the strength and certainty in which it was dispensed. I see a lot of posts here of people going apoplectic over your relationship with this guy. And what it all comes down to is a label right? Whether you're BF and GF? Well, let's look at the facts shall we?

 

Exercise "If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it probably is..."

 

1. You are close friends

2. He went all wishy washy on you between your first hookup and the start of this relationship. Commentary: that was bad of him, kinda beta male behavior but the past is in the past.

3. You guys are monogamous by mutual agreement

4. You guys are exclusive by mutual agreement

5. You guys seem to spend a massive amount of time together

6. You guys attend things as a couple but without the BF/GF label

7. Everyone knows you're dating except for the coworkers, right? wink wink?

8. He's attentive to your happiness

9. He notices changes in your demeanor and adjusts his behavior to attempt to rectify

10. He had that odd jealousy thing. Comment: bad but it sounds like it was somewhat in jest.

11. But he refuses to place a BF/GF label on your guys

 

Well, it pretty much seems like you are in practice BF and GF regardless of the label. You are in an exclusive relationship regardless of what you call it. So, in reference to the title of this little exercise - ITS A DUCK.

 

I don't really understand the visceral reaction of some folks and your friends over this sort of relationship. It is just a title - who cares? Is this guy long term/marriage material? Maybe not - see beta male comment above. But it seems like he spends a good deal of time with you and your happiness is a top priority for him. Neither of you are or seem interested in dating others. So ya, as long as you're not hot to find the mythical "ONE" and get married, I don't see the issue here.

 

Question: Any insight as to why this guy might be so gun shy about putting a label on it? Maybe a heartbreak in the past? I'll give you one thing to consider - once a guy puts a label on it and advertises it, it makes his ego vulnerable. If you guys go south, then it is a break up in other people's eyes. Without a label, you guys just stopped seeing each other. A stupid nuance but hey, I've seen a lot of low confidence men do a lot of stupid things over nuances.

 

Anyhow, that's my two cents.

[LovelyLamb]

Ok, this is probably going to irritate some of the folks here but I'm going to give you a different opinion. I think some of the advice here is off base. Not on the actual advice but rather the strength and certainty in which it was dispensed. I see a lot of posts here of people going apoplectic over your relationship with this guy. And what it all comes down to is a label right? Whether you're BF and GF? Well, let's look at the facts shall we?

 

Exercise "If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it probably is..."

 

1. You are close friends

2. He went all wishy washy on you between your first hookup and the start of this relationship. Commentary: that was bad of him, kinda beta male behavior but the past is in the past.

3. You guys are monogamous by mutual agreement

4. You guys are exclusive by mutual agreement

5. You guys seem to spend a massive amount of time together

6. You guys attend things as a couple but without the BF/GF label

7. Everyone knows you're dating except for the coworkers, right? wink wink?

8. He's attentive to your happiness

9. He notices changes in your demeanor and adjusts his behavior to attempt to rectify

10. He had that odd jealousy thing. Comment: bad but it sounds like it was somewhat in jest.

11. But he refuses to place a BF/GF label on your guys

 

Well, it pretty much seems like you are in practice BF and GF regardless of the label. You are in an exclusive relationship regardless of what you call it. So, in reference to the title of this little exercise - ITS A DUCK.

 

I don't really understand the visceral reaction of some folks and your friends over this sort of relationship. It is just a title - who cares? Is this guy long term/marriage material? Maybe not - see beta male comment above. But it seems like he spends a good deal of time with you and your happiness is a top priority for him. Neither of you are or seem interested in dating others. So ya, as long as you're not hot to find the mythical "ONE" and get married, I don't see the issue here.

 

Question: Any insight as to why this guy might be so gun shy about putting a label on it? Maybe a heartbreak in the past? I'll give you one thing to consider - once a guy puts a label on it and advertises it, it makes his ego vulnerable. If you guys go south, then it is a break up in other people's eyes. Without a label, you guys just stopped seeing each other. A stupid nuance but hey, I've seen a lot of low confidence men do a lot of stupid things over nuances.

 

Anyhow, that's my two cents.

 

Thank you!

 

I appreciate everyone's input, but I even more appreciate your comment since I finally talked to him about it tonight, and guess what? He essentially said the same thing as you did. After he made a bad joke about not telling me if he was sleeping with others, I told him that I didn't know how much longer I could do this whole "talking" thing and that his comment made me realize it. He apologized profusely and we worked it out.

 

He told me that even though we don't have a label on our relationship, he considers us dating and exclusive, and told me that he doesn't like that I'm letting other people who don't know him influence my feelings (I told him about my friend who stopped talking to me. She never even met him, and hasn't gotten an update about our relationship for about two months now). According to him, he's only seeing me, and he wouldn't see anyone else and hurt me like that since he's been hurt before and he knows how much it sucks.

 

So, no, he's not my boyfriend. But according to both of us now, we are dating and happy with how things are. I'm glad I finally just sucked it up and spoke up. Thank you for all the comments and feedback! Here's to hoping that this turns out well.