My friends think I'm insane for dating him

[LovelyLamb]

Hi!

 

For the past three months I have been dating one of my best friends, and I can honestly say that I am on Cloud 9 due to how happy he makes me.

 

My problem is - due to how things were before we started dating, and the fact that he doesn't want to be in an official relationship, I have apparently lost the respect of some of my friends. One friend no longer talks to me, and I had no clue as to why until I was told yesterday by a mutual friend that she thinks it's because I'm obsessed with this guy and an idiot and is tired of me talking about him. I wont lie - I'm crazy about him. But obsessed? No.

 

The back story is this. We started working together last year, became good friends, I wanted to date him but never said so. Other guys asked me out, but I just wasn't interested in anyone else. I would try to figure out ways to let him know I had feelings for him without ruining our friendship, and in all honesty, it became an unnecessary priority. After we hooked up last December, he confessed that he wanted to remain just friends, and I was left with an ultimatum: let him go and lose my best friend, or let my feelings go and keep my best friend. So, I tried to let my feelings go and stopped pursuing him, while keeping our friendship intact. It was hard, and for a short while I told him that I couldn't spend time with him, but when I was ready to again, I let him know, and we started spending time together every other day again.

 

A few months later, a mutual friend wanted to date me, and I was at a cross road. Give a nice guy who likes me a chance, or wait for someone who I knew I was in love with. So - I told my best friend about our mutual friend and asked how he felt about it and he told me the truth. He didn't like it, and thought he'd have time to decide if he wanted to be with me or not before I moved on since he knew I had feelings for him. He didn't want to string me along when he wasn't sure yet, or ruin our friendship. I was confused, but decided I was tired of waiting around and so I continued to date our friend for two more weeks. I ended up feeling guilty about it, and told him that I didn't think we should see each other any more, or at least take a step back from things till I was sure. That night, my best friend finally made a move on me, and I knew that there was no one else I wanted to be with - he has had my heart this entire time, and until he doesn't, I can't see myself being with anyone else.

 

Since then, he has told me that he doesn't want to be in an official relationship. We've agreed that we're monogamous, spend almost every day together, I spend nights at his place, we go out quite often with our friends, I spend time with him and his family (his mother and siblings), and he has met my parents and is thinking about going on a family vacation with us. The only people who we are keeping our relationship a secret from right now, are our coworkers so that we can avoid any work drama (even though everyone there has figured it out) He tries to find new ways to make me happy, and trust me - he does. I'm happy with where things are, and I'm not going to push for any more of a commitment than he has given me. Even though I can't call him my boyfriend - he pretty much is, and I love it, even if others don't.

 

Yet, the words of my friends are echoing in my head. Am I being an idiot or delusional? Have I obsessed about this for so long that I only think I'm happy? Should I say something to him and risk everything that we've gained in the past three months? Or should I just tell my friends to mind their own business, I'm happy and that's all that matters?

[todreaminblue]

im quite confused...you are monogamous but not bf and gf are you just friends who see each other a lot and dont see others.....deb

[Stillits]

You sound like you are both happy and his actions shows that he is committed. You meet each others' families, hang out during the day and have sleep overs. You have decided that you are monogamous and from what you describe, it doesn't sound as if he gives you any reason not to think so. So, you don't get to call him your boyfriend on facebook but everyone pretty much knows? What does that label really matter in this instance? You know you're together and that's the most important thing.

 

Ofc, I'm from a country in Europe where dating around is not normal and a relationship is something you more ease in to. You discuss not to see anyone else and you are just automatically in a relationship. Private business, not public.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just sounds like the typical situation where a guy wants to initiate a FWB but has to agree to some terms to satisfy the woman and make her feel like she's at least getting something that she wants out of it...some kind of commitment.

 

Many women like to believe that they can inch their way into a relationship with the "man of their dreams" and eventually he'll just give in and ultimately commit. But for men if they're not invested they're not invested, right now he's had to agree to a pseudo-relationship just because that's likely what you're pushing him for and making things "complicated" although he's made it clear from the beginning he doesn't want a relationship, just because it looks like a relationship doesn't mean the guy is truly invested, you can't change the way the guy feels and that's why he's not investing all in.

 

Your friends are typically the ones that care about you and can see you making a stupid mistake, they're not going to give you a hard time just for being happy, but unlike you they aren't sucked into this dazzling vision of a potential "relationship" like most women have with guys like this, you don't want to "give-up" and you insist that there is something there because of how YOU feel, so you go against your better judgment because you think that must have some kind of impact on him and he must somehow have strong feelings for you or else he'd run away (woman logic)...and so you push along anyway, letting him kind of string you along but under some conditions and agreements of at least "feeling" like a relationship and like you're making some kind of progress and you justify it all just because you're hanging out with his family and all that and thinking you're apart of his life.

 

You are delusional, the truth is this guy isn't invested in you no matter what you do and experience in the relationship..just because give-in to your demands and crumble under the pressure, doesn't mean they're changing the way they feel...and your friends, like most friends are looking out for what's best for you and seeing things for what they really are, while you blind yourself and convince yourself that this might work or change.

 

Because of your prior "friendship" this also will make him feel more obligated and appear to be more committed than he actually is because there's a prior relationship with you, so he can easily tell his friends and family you're just a girl he's kind of seeing and dating and really isn't even serious about...that's you're just a good "friend". Guys do this all the time, they introduce women to their friends and family, and even if what they say on the surface that you're their GF or a love interest, when family/friends ask what's really going on when you're not around he will just tell them you're not someone he's that serious about...or they can tell for themselves he's not that "into you"...and the only reason he's trying to make you "happy" is so you'll be satisfied with his terms and you can still be his best friend/FWB...it doesn't mean he's actually exclusive, or you're really his best friend...you weren't "best friends" before this because you had a interest in him romantically, that whole title is just another excuse for you not to let him go, but now things come out to what they really are and you both don't want to let go for your own selfish reasons/benefit.

[angel.eyes]

It's not just about how YOU feel!

 

This guy has no interest in a romantic relationship with you. For whatever reason, he doesn't see you as girlfriend material. He's been totally upfront about that from the very beginning. His needs (a readily available sexual partner during his current dry spell) are being met in your current arrangement. Yours aren't, and never will be. Your hope that this will somehow turn into something beyond being his FWB, and he will eventually see why you would make a wonderful girlfriend, is misplaced. That's not going to happen. This will be a very painful learning experience for you, and your self-esteem is going to take a massive hit.

 

He's with you because you're there, you're insistent, you're pleasant enough, and no one else is interested in him right now. When someone that he's actually excited about finally reciprocates his interest, he'll drop you like a rock. That's what your friends are trying to help you avoid. The sad part in all of this, is while you waste time trying to "convince" him by being his "friend," you'll overlook and reject a lot of great guys who would be wonderful choices for you. It's really unfortunate that some women waste their time (typically years of their life) chasing after unavailable guys, especially when they have options...and better options at that.

Edited June 14, 2014 by angel.eyes

[ExpatInItaly]

Why doesn't he want to be official with you? If you spend this much time together, including with each other's families, where are his doubts? I don't know,OP. It seems he's keeping his doors open.

[Gaeta]

This man doesn't want a GF-BF title because he wants to appear officially single in front of the world and in front of other women. If someone interesting comes along he will say he's seeing someone but nothing serious.

 

You are delusional and your awakening will be painful.

 

By the way when everyone around are saying one thing and it seems that we're the only one thinking otherwise it's usually because we're delusional.

[central]

It sounds like he is either keeping his options open (perhaps he's not as into you as you are into him), or perhaps he had a bad relationship experience and is simply afraid to label it and make commitments.

[LovelyLamb]

Thank you everyone for your input. Though it's hard to swallow, I completely understand what everyone is trying to get me to see and accept. It's what I've been afraid of, and it's what some of my friends have warned me about. To know others think it too is honestly very hard.

 

One fact that I have to point out: I'm not the only option he has. I know there are a few different girls who are interested in him, and who have been upfront about it, but it was his decision to not date them. Although there are a dozen different reasons that he is going out with me, I don't think a dry spell or that he can't date anyone else is one of them. Another fact: we agreed that what we're doing is dating/talking and deciding if we want to be in a relationship. We don't consider this a FWB arrangement. One last fact: Most of my/our friends loves us together and think we make a great couple and refer to us as a couple. Three friends (my best friend and two other friends) are the ones who are telling me what y'all are and are the ones who placed the doubt in my mind, and even my best friend still thinks he's a great guy and a great match for me....just wishes I'd put my foot down about being in a relationship.

 

I know that part of the reason he doesn't want to commit is because he hasn't been in many relationships. He's not good with women, and he's been upfront about that since I met him. His longest relationship has lasted a few months and he was cheated on. I think the pain is still there because he's terrified that I'll cheat on him. Although he hasn't flat out said that he thinks I'll cheat, we've talked about it more than once and has insinuated, and it amazes me that it's an honest concern of his. I know it is though, because I know he has feelings for me regardless of how it may seem, and loves having me around as much as I love being around him. He tells me all the time, and is always asking me to join with him and others.

 

But the other part is what y'all said too. Before we started seeing each other he wanted to wait until he found someone he was crazy about, and he flat out told me it wasn't me. He had feelings for me, but I didn't sweep him off his feet like he was looking for. It hurt hearing that, but when he made his move a few weeks later, I couldn't help but wonder if he realized that he did feel that way about me after all. Still though - it left SO much doubt in my mind, and it still bothers me to this day.

 

Right now I'm left with a decision that I'm not sure how I feel about making: stop seeing him, save my pride, and hurt both of us in the process, and risk missing a great opportunity with a great guy. Or continue with how things are and risk getting extremely hurt in the long run if he decides that someone else sparks his interest more than me. This decision is so freaking hard to make simply because I know my feelings aren't one sided, and the more time we spend together, the stronger both our feelings gets. It's hard to let go of the hope and accept the reality y'all are telling me is there - but then again, I'm the "delusional" one here.

[torturedartist]

Hi!

 

For the past three months I have been dating one of my best friends, and I can honestly say that I am on Cloud 9 due to how happy he makes me.

 

My problem is - due to how things were before we started dating, and the fact that he doesn't want to be in an official relationship, I have apparently lost the respect of some of my friends. One friend no longer talks to me, and I had no clue as to why until I was told yesterday by a mutual friend that she thinks it's because I'm obsessed with this guy and an idiot and is tired of me talking about him. I wont lie - I'm crazy about him. But obsessed? No.

 

The back story is this. We started working together last year, became good friends, I wanted to date him but never said so. Other guys asked me out, but I just wasn't interested in anyone else. I would try to figure out ways to let him know I had feelings for him without ruining our friendship, and in all honesty, it became an unnecessary priority. After we hooked up last December, he confessed that he wanted to remain just friends, and I was left with an ultimatum: let him go and lose my best friend, or let my feelings go and keep my best friend. So, I tried to let my feelings go and stopped pursuing him, while keeping our friendship intact. It was hard, and for a short while I told him that I couldn't spend time with him, but when I was ready to again, I let him know, and we started spending time together every other day again.

 

A few months later, a mutual friend wanted to date me, and I was at a cross road. Give a nice guy who likes me a chance, or wait for someone who I knew I was in love with. So - I told my best friend about our mutual friend and asked how he felt about it and he told me the truth. He didn't like it, and thought he'd have time to decide if he wanted to be with me or not before I moved on since he knew I had feelings for him. He didn't want to string me along when he wasn't sure yet, or ruin our friendship. I was confused, but decided I was tired of waiting around and so I continued to date our friend for two more weeks. I ended up feeling guilty about it, and told him that I didn't think we should see each other any more, or at least take a step back from things till I was sure. That night, my best friend finally made a move on me, and I knew that there was no one else I wanted to be with - he has had my heart this entire time, and until he doesn't, I can't see myself being with anyone else.

 

Since then, he has told me that he doesn't want to be in an official relationship. We've agreed that we're monogamous, spend almost every day together, I spend nights at his place, we go out quite often with our friends, I spend time with him and his family (his mother and siblings), and he has met my parents and is thinking about going on a family vacation with us. The only people who we are keeping our relationship a secret from right now, are our coworkers so that we can avoid any work drama (even though everyone there has figured it out) He tries to find new ways to make me happy, and trust me - he does. I'm happy with where things are, and I'm not going to push for any more of a commitment than he has given me. Even though I can't call him my boyfriend - he pretty much is, and I love it, even if others don't.

 

Yet, the words of my friends are echoing in my head. Am I being an idiot or delusional? Have I obsessed about this for so long that I only think I'm happy? Should I say something to him and risk everything that we've gained in the past three months? Or should I just tell my friends to mind their own business, I'm happy and that's all that matters?

 

Do what makes you happy and ignore your friends, like the opinions of most people. I might suggest you read or listen to "Self Reliance" by Emerson. It

hits on this topic.

[Salvatore85]

I don't understand what's wrong with this? He may not want the titles but he's still being monogamous and treats you with respect. He's basically your boyfriend without saying.

 

I know the feeling though. I've started dating for the first time since my ex and I broke up and I really, really like the girl. However after everything my ex put me through I'm very apprehensive and have been holding back a bit. It has nothing to do with wanting to keep my options open or seeing her as a FWB. I genuinely like her it's just hard to trust someone again. He probably feels similar to me.

[Andy_K]

Some things you just need to learn first hand, and until then you can't really take them in no matter what people tell you. This sounds like it may be yours.

[ExpatInItaly]

Based on your description, this guy sounds emotionally unavailable, to use a cliched term. Even if you did stay, it could be an uphill battle to get him to open up to you.

 

The bottom line is that if you want an official relationship and he doesn't, it won't work.

[LovelyLamb]

I have a question.

 

Last night, him and I were hanging out at a restaurant we often go to after work for drinks, and before we left I went to the restroom. As I was walking back to our table, a couple of coworkers from my other job were standing at the bar and waved to me. One coworker from that job, is an extremely good looking and fit guy who is actually the nicest guy I work with (and quite a bit of a flirt). I told him the other day I'd take his shift, so he stopped me at the bar and was telling me about how management wouldn't let me work it. He tried to hug me, but when I didn't hug back, he just put his hand on my arm and we chatted and laughed for a good minute before I left and went back to my "man friend" who was standing near by and saw the whole thing.

 

As we were driving back to his place, he was telling me how that guy goes to his gym and I told him what we were talking about and told him how he is hands down the sweetest guy I work with ("Is it because he's so fat?" he asked me). I told him some of my other coworkers and friends probably go to his gym as well, since a lot of my male friends are friends with that coworker, and he told me "Okay, you're no longer allowed to hang out with those friends. I'm a very jealous guy and I just got very jealous. You're mine and all of this is mine and I don't want you dating anyone else." (even though I never implied that I was interested in any of them). I laughed and asked him if I could hang out with them as long as I didn't sleep with them, and he said "yeah, I guess so."

 

Should I take this as him just getting jealous and realizing once again that yes, I can date other guys, other guys are interested in me, and he just doesn't want to share me? Or should I take this as him wanting an actual, relationship and implying as such? I didn't want to ask last night, since I didn't want his jealousy to speak for him, but I know that we'll probably be talking about this in the very near future. I just don't want to approach this the wrong way.

[ThorntonMelon]

If he were your husband and father of your children and said

 

Okay, you're no longer allowed to hang out with those friends. I'm a very jealous guy and I just got very jealous. You're mine and all of this is mine and I don't want you dating anyone else.

 

Except for the "dating anyone else" part, I'd be nervous. Do you want to date someone that jealous?

[ktya]

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a guy like this. It drives all her friends crazy. The guy wanted to downgrade from boyfriend/girlfriend to open realtionship, as he had had an 18 year old girl move in with him (he's 38) and he had started having sex with her. My friend broke up with him but he kept on her and she wanted to remain friends with him as they were together a long time (7 years). So she let him back into her life and now the relationship is an "open relationship"

 

Problem is he gets to sleep around when possible (apparently the 18 year old is now out of the picture) and when she gets the potential to see another guy he creeps his way in there and blocks it and it drives me and her other friends insane.

 

All of my ex girlfriends who had ever seen me together with this girl had all told me to go for her. Being my friend I was loathe to hit on her and she or I had always had a boyfriend when the other was single. Being recently single and with her breaking up with the guy, I figured I'd see if something happened.

 

I didn't even get into hitting on her or talking about a relationship with her. I was going to go over to her city, spend the weekend at her place, we were going to cook food for a potluck dinner and then go dancing, then hang out the next day. Even as a friend only platonic it would have been fun. I was looking forward to hanging out with her with us both being single and excited at the prospect that if it felt right to make a move I could (a few previous times I wanted to so badly but I was hitched with her best friend).

 

Well the very morning, about an hour before I was leaving to go to her town she texts me and tells me this Brian guy is not going to the potluck dinner but will come out to the bar dancing with us. He would also stay the night and have breakfast with us the next day. He would tag along for our activities the next night as well. Well I never liked the guy in the first place but respected him when he was her boyfriend. This whole open relationship business and him tagging along had me outright annoyed. To have it dropped on me when I was confirming that I was about to leave with a backpack on pissed me right off. I cancelled and told her that I had hoped to hang out with her with us both being single and having buddy tag along was not at all what I was expecting. She was pissy because when he tags along everyone bails on her.

 

The moral of my story here about my friend and how it could apply to you is that it's entirely understandable if he doesn't want to be boyfriend girlfriend at work. But if he is not boyfriend girlfriend everywhere else, he's just "seeing you" which means he is keeping his options open. It was when you started dating someone else that he actually wanted to put hooks in you.

 

So, monogamy for him may be a current choice but I wouldn't count on it for too long in the future if he doesn't want to apply the label eventually. Given how much he is seeing you chances are he is truly monogamous at this time. But refusing the bf/gf label IMO is an excuse that if he gets caught talking to another girl or having sex with them he can call back on. "But we arent boyfriend girlfriend. We are just seeing eachother babe?"

 

Now you seem absolutely crazy about him and he's making you happy for now. Go for it. Just remember that your friends can see what you can't because you are blinded by bliss.

 

What we see in my friend with this guy is that he has her trapped and she can't move forward. She is getting 10% of boyfriend and he's sleeping with other girls but she is stuck with 10% of boyfriend and can't connect with other guys because he creeps around at just the right time and cockblocks it. With all the ups and downs around him she never shuts up about the latest debacle and what to do with him and how badly she wants to remain friends with him.

 

Your situation is entirely different from hers, but you might have an honest and frank conversation with your friends where you ask them why they think this guy is a bad idea for you and your job is to zip it and just listen to everything they have to say without defending him. You might be surprised at what they have to say.

[Gaeta]

Should I take this as him just getting jealous and realizing once again that yes, I can date other guys, other guys are interested in me, and he just doesn't want to share me? Or should I take this as him wanting an actual, relationship and implying as such? I didn't want to ask last night, since I didn't want his jealousy to speak for him, but I know that we'll probably be talking about this in the very near future. I just don't want to approach this the wrong way.

 

He doesn't want you and he doesn't want the other guys to have you. It's a common phenomenon. Does not mean he wants a relationship with you, not at all. It's a knee jerk reaction from a caveman.

[pteromom]

"Okay, you're no longer allowed to hang out with those friends. I'm a very jealous guy and I just got very jealous. You're mine and all of this is mine and I don't want you dating anyone else." (even though I never implied that I was interested in any of them). I laughed and asked him if I could hang out with them as long as I didn't sleep with them, and he said "yeah, I guess so."

 

This is a BIG OL' RED FLAG waving in your face.

 

Should I take this as him just getting jealous and realizing once again that yes, I can date other guys, other guys are interested in me, and he just doesn't want to share me? Or should I take this as him wanting an actual, relationship and implying as such?

 

The first. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would lock that down. He just doesn't want to share you.

 

I didn't want to ask last night, since I didn't want his jealousy to speak for him, but I know that we'll probably be talking about this in the very near future. I just don't want to approach this the wrong way.

 

I wouldn't worry about approaching it the wrong way. I would be blunt and honest.

 

"You said before we started seeing each other that I am not the one you are crazy for. You said you don't want a relationship. But then you said you were jealous and didn't want to share me. So what is it you want?"

 

Although if he does agree to be in an actual relationship, I would proceed VERY cautiously, and make sure you aren't letting him roll over you in order to keep him. I worry that his comment is a red flag for controlling behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a question.

 

Last night, him and I were hanging out at a restaurant we often go to after work for drinks, and before we left I went to the restroom. As I was walking back to our table, a couple of coworkers from my other job were standing at the bar and waved to me. One coworker from that job, is an extremely good looking and fit guy who is actually the nicest guy I work with (and quite a bit of a flirt). I told him the other day I'd take his shift, so he stopped me at the bar and was telling me about how management wouldn't let me work it. He tried to hug me, but when I didn't hug back, he just put his hand on my arm and we chatted and laughed for a good minute before I left and went back to my "man friend" who was standing near by and saw the whole thing.

 

As we were driving back to his place, he was telling me how that guy goes to his gym and I told him what we were talking about and told him how he is hands down the sweetest guy I work with ("Is it because he's so fat?" he asked me). I told him some of my other coworkers and friends probably go to his gym as well, since a lot of my male friends are friends with that coworker, and he told me "Okay, you're no longer allowed to hang out with those friends. I'm a very jealous guy and I just got very jealous. You're mine and all of this is mine and I don't want you dating anyone else." (even though I never implied that I was interested in any of them). I laughed and asked him if I could hang out with them as long as I didn't sleep with them, and he said "yeah, I guess so."

 

Should I take this as him just getting jealous and realizing once again that yes, I can date other guys, other guys are interested in me, and he just doesn't want to share me? Or should I take this as him wanting an actual, relationship and implying as such? I didn't want to ask last night, since I didn't want his jealousy to speak for him, but I know that we'll probably be talking about this in the very near future. I just don't want to approach this the wrong way.

 

That is such a turn-off. This is coming from a guy who doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Not good.

 

And no, I wouldn't take that as implying that he wants a relationship. I would take that as he doesn't want you exclusively, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. i.e., double standards. Meanwhile, he is essentially giving himself license to do as he pleases as he is hesitant to be in a relationship with you. I only say this because I was in a similar situation some years ago and I now wish I hadn't wasted my time on it. Same thing - didn't want to be an official "boyfriend" and thus found it just fine to hook up with other women when he wanted. Talk to him soon and find out - clearly - what his wishes are. Otherwise, you're spinning your wheels with a guy who can't give you what you want.

[angel.eyes]

You're interpreting his jealously as him finally valuing you and wanting you as his official girlfriend. Nope! It's just self-centered, self-serving, selfishness. He doesn't want you becoming attached to other guys because then you might lose interest in his "unofficial" arrangement with you.

[Elle1975]

Even though I can't call him my boyfriend - he pretty much is

 

First, I don't think a friend is a good friend if they let you go based on what they think you should be doing, or not - unless you're doing crack or something similar.. Now if they asked you to stop talking about your "bf" so much, I'd back off a little. You might be annoying without realizing it.

 

Second, he's not your boyfriend, no. If he says "this is my friend Karen", then that's all that you are, his friend, or just "Karen"; not his girlfriend.

 

Regardless of how he acts, and how happy he makes you, labels do matter. As of right now, you're his friend with benefits. I don't know if it will change; probably not. You can stick it out and risk to get hurt, when he dates someone else officially, or walk away - which I assume is not what you want to do.

 

I am not saying "never". We all make our own decisions. However, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is what comes to my mind.

 

If you know for sure that you will be okay with either outcomes, then it's fine. If you think you will be hurt, then call it now.

[spiderowl]

I have a question.

 

Last night, him and I were hanging out at a restaurant we often go to after work for drinks, and before we left I went to the restroom. As I was walking back to our table, a couple of coworkers from my other job were standing at the bar and waved to me. One coworker from that job, is an extremely good looking and fit guy who is actually the nicest guy I work with (and quite a bit of a flirt). I told him the other day I'd take his shift, so he stopped me at the bar and was telling me about how management wouldn't let me work it. He tried to hug me, but when I didn't hug back, he just put his hand on my arm and we chatted and laughed for a good minute before I left and went back to my "man friend" who was standing near by and saw the whole thing.

 

As we were driving back to his place, he was telling me how that guy goes to his gym and I told him what we were talking about and told him how he is hands down the sweetest guy I work with ("Is it because he's so fat?" he asked me). I told him some of my other coworkers and friends probably go to his gym as well, since a lot of my male friends are friends with that coworker, and he told me "Okay, you're no longer allowed to hang out with those friends. I'm a very jealous guy and I just got very jealous. You're mine and all of this is mine and I don't want you dating anyone else." (even though I never implied that I was interested in any of them). I laughed and asked him if I could hang out with them as long as I didn't sleep with them, and he said "yeah, I guess so."

 

Should I take this as him just getting jealous and realizing once again that yes, I can date other guys, other guys are interested in me, and he just doesn't want to share me? Or should I take this as him wanting an actual, relationship and implying as such? I didn't want to ask last night, since I didn't want his jealousy to speak for him, but I know that we'll probably be talking about this in the very near future. I just don't want to approach this the wrong way.

 

Guys always want sexual exclusivity. They don't want to think of the girl they are sleeping with having sex with other men. This does not mean they see you as their girlfriend or future life partner; it's purely guarding their territory. Please don't assume jealousy means love and fidelity.

 

The guy may be falling for you but until he comes after you and wants you to be his official girlfriend, he's not sure. No-one can really advise you in this situation because the telling thing would be what happens if *you* decide this hidden affair does not meet your needs? Will he just move on or will be realise he does want only you and become the faithful, loving, up-front partner you want? My own feeling is he won't become that guy as long as he thinks you are there ready to be manipulated and don't have enough of a mind of your own to tell him to stuff his non-girlfriend relationship, but that's just me.

[LovelyLamb]

Okay...I realize now that I should have included the part where he didn't say his comment in a threatening nor angry way. He said it jokingly, and slightly whiny. It made me laugh, not feel threatened that he was trying to control me. I also wasn't too surprised about it, just due to the amount of times we've talked about cheating (I have multiple friends who think cheating isn't a big deal, and it's alarming to him, he's admitted it). But regardless, I can see how it can be thought of as a red flag.

 

Since I originally posted here, my feelings about what I should do have gone from "just be with him and be happy" to being completely unsure. Everything y'all is saying is making me do a double take on how our relationship truly is. Does he respect me? Does he want to be with me? What does this mean? When will this happen? I honestly didn't think our relationship was that complicated, but I'm starting to see that it may truly be, and that's pretty alarming.

 

He's noticed a change in me and has been doing all that he can to understand what's wrong or try to make me happy. He's giving me more kisses, making me dinner, putting his hand around me at work, trying to make me laugh, etc. and it's hard to not just ask him point blank what's going on or what he thinks I should do. But after a little while, he always manages to put a smile back on my face and remind me why I'm happy to be with him.

 

I wish I wasn't so confused now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Okay...I realize now that I should have included the part where he didn't say his comment in a threatening nor angry way. He said it jokingly, and slightly whiny. It made me laugh, not feel threatened that he was trying to control me. I also wasn't too surprised about it, just due to the amount of times we've talked about cheating (I have multiple friends who think cheating isn't a big deal, and it's alarming to him, he's admitted it). But regardless, I can see how it can be thought of as a red flag.

 

Since I originally posted here, my feelings about what I should do have gone from "just be with him and be happy" to being completely unsure. Everything y'all is saying is making me do a double take on how our relationship truly is. Does he respect me? Does he want to be with me? What does this mean? When will this happen? I honestly didn't think our relationship was that complicated, but I'm starting to see that it may truly be, and that's pretty alarming.

 

He's noticed a change in me and has been doing all that he can to understand what's wrong or try to make me happy. He's giving me more kisses, making me dinner, putting his hand around me at work, trying to make me laugh, etc. and it's hard to not just ask him point blank what's going on or what he thinks I should do. But after a little while, he always manages to put a smile back on my face and remind me why I'm happy to be with him.

 

I wish I wasn't so confused now.

 

So just ask him. Enough of the uncertainty. You don't want to invest more in someone who doesn't want a relationship. Don't waste your time if it's not going anywhere. Talk to him.

[isisisweeping]

He's known you long enough. He's not trying to get to know you.

If he wanted a relationship, he would.

 

 

 

 

He simply wants to make sure no one else dates you -which could in fact carry on for a long time - but he doesn't see a future with you for whatever reason -which isn't likely to change.

 

 

Unless you just want something for now, I'd bail.

 

 

BTW- I have been there with boyfriend who broke up with me but then came around when he tought I might date someone else because he didn't want that either. He stayed around but wouldn't discuss future anymore... said he wanted to figure things out. I thought he would change his mind. He even said he loved me. He didn't. Just wasted over a year of my life (that's not including the "real" relationship.

Edited June 17, 2014 by isisisweeping