Blach8 Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 I'm 36, been married since 2007, with an 8-year-old son. I work in management, lower-level, have to travel for my job between sites for the company I work for. I only just found out about my wife's affair with an OM she met online when checking emails on the iPad, was stunned to discover she'd bought tickets for her and our son, and has actually flown out to meet this OM over in the UK. I'd been working away most of the week, staying in a hotel, had loads of meetings that ran from 10am until about 6 or 7pm some nights. I feel crushed, sick, upset, need help really. I'm probably going to have to divorce her, but is there any hope for reconciliation, given how young our son is?
aliveagain Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 First thing you need to do is protect your son, talk to a lawyer, understand your rights. The fact that she was willing to involve your child and has actually flown to meet OM with your son is a very bad sign. Your son is 8, how does she expect an 8 year old to keep such a secret from his dad? Sounds like she has already left the marriage. Is she in the UK now? Have you confronted her yet? Why did she fly to the UK with your child, she must have gone on an exploratory mission to verify everything he has told her, how big his house is, his possessions etcetera. Save all your evidence in a safe place, it may not help you in your divorce if that is the eventual outcome but could be very beneficial to you if you get into a child custody war. You need to find out how deep the rabbit hole is, document everything you find. Check out all phone and cell records if possible without tipping her off until your able to confront her. Expose the affair, expose OM, make the affair a very difficult place to be. Decide if saving the marriage is really what you want. Again, talk to a lawyer. 9
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) I am going to agree with many of the things Aliveagain mentioned if only to protect your son and a possible child-custody battle. In my previous line of work, I've witnessed some horrific child-custody battles and believe me, you MUST prepare yourself for the worst because it CAN get to that point and your innocent child will be stuck in the middle. You don't want this to happen. As far as my personal opinion regarding if there is hope for you and your wife, I would have to say no. I preface this by letting you know that I am very hardcore when it comes to infidelity and although there are always exceptions to any rule, the vast majority of cheaters don't change. Do you really want to spend the rest of your marriage questioning her loyalty to you especially if your job still requires you to do a lot of travelling? Because that's exactly what's going to happen. And as far as your son is concerned, he's not THAT young where he doesn't or at least isn't questioning what is going on. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Trust me on this one as well. Kids aren't stupid and he's old enough to understand that something isn't right between the two of you and especially with this trip to the UK. Who the hell does that by the way?!?! As a mother to a boy, I am repulsed by her actions. UGH! Get a lawyer and know your rights. I would also encourage you to consider getting some therapy for yourself to help work through this betrayal. Getting some therapy for your son might also be a good idea at some point. Boys have a much more difficult time processing and expressing their emotions than girls. Your son will need to master this if there is a chance of him escaping any of this with as little damage as possible. Good luck and hugs to you my friend. Edited June 14, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 3
Author Blach8 Posted June 14, 2014 Author Posted June 14, 2014 Is she still in the UK? The fact that she was willing to take your son all the way to the UK to meet a man that clearly isn't his father is beyond sickening. He's 8 and she's exposing him to a confusing situation. For the sake of an affair? I don't even know how to phantom this. Here's the deal. This action made it clear that your marriage is over, since she's willing to integrate the child into her affair. That's dirty. Get your affairs in order...finances especially, Google if your case is strong enough, and as soon as possible, LAWYER UP, and Divorce this girl. And get your son back. I wouldn't want my child anywhere near a woman who had the guts to do this. Give her the Big D, she'll never know what hit her! Hang in there man, this is going to hurt for a long time, but you have to go to war...cause that is what this is. A war for your sanity and belongings. Because the marriage is over. You're 36. You still got time on your hands. Make the best of it. Yes, she's still in the UK; her car's not on the driveway so it must be in the airport car park. Haven't heard from her at all. And yes, my son is with her over there. I feel ill thinking about it.
bubbaganoosh Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 The sheer stupidity. She meets a man on line and then hops a plane to go see him with your son. Never mind that she never met this guy in person and anyone with a half a brain should know, you can type anything on line and not one word of it can be the truth. This guy can be a mass murderer, rapist, both and if she's stupid enough to go meet him, she takes your son? Friend, Get yourself a lawyer and end this and make sure that your son stays put where you can have an eye on him at all times. She just showed how incompetent she really is. Don't play nice guy with her. She doesn't deserve it and she's not playing nice either. 1
SleeplessIn Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Do you know if the tickets she bought were round-trip? If so, do they show a date of return? I'd be concerned too that she did this trip, taking your son, and you were not informed they'd be gone. Does anyone know what the laws are on this, if she refuses to return or send the son back? I'm sure they can't stay in the UK indefinitely, but how long could they stay before being kicked out? If it were my child, this would be my biggest concern of the moment, getting him back ASAP whether she comes home or not. 3
No Limit Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 What is she thinking?! OP, don't expose before she and most importantly your son are back at home. Otherwise who knows what new great idea she might come up with, at worst she'll intend to stay there for good. I also think if she's already gone that far, she'll fight. So prepare yourself to fight back. It never hurts to be prepared. As written above, get a lawyer.
aliveagain Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Yes, she's still in the UK; her car's not on the driveway so it must be in the airport car park. Haven't heard from her at all. And yes, my son is with her over there. I feel ill thinking about it. In Canada, a British Commonwealth Country, you can't take an underage child out of the country without the written consent of the other parents. You can call the proper authorities in your country and report that your child was taken out of the country without your approval. They would restrict her passport. What kind of mother takes her young child to meet her OM and not even make up some sort of story as to where she is going so her husband doesn't call the police. Call the police. 8
jay1983 Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 This is screwed up. I hate to bring more bad news, but she can still screw you in divorce court. Go straight to a lawyer, Good luck.
seren Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 My first action would be the need to establish that my son was OK, for that I would need to either know where exactly she and he are staying. Without that and being able to speak directly with the her, I would contact the police who will contact UK police to make sure all is OK. At the very least you will have some peace of mind, you will also be able to insist she return your son home and for further down the line, if you do intend to divorce shows just what she has done. How incredibly unfeeling and stupid. I hope all is well and you keep us updated. seren x 1
Radu Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 OP, are you the natural parent of the boy, or if he is adopted, do you also share parental rights ? And, OP, were you informed of this trip beforehand, or did it come out of the blue ? Do you have a return date for her ? Have you contacted a lawyer ? PS: If she will return, though you did not know about this 'trip', then you need to act ASAP, while she is away. Talk to a lawyer, but a judge will react differently to you taking action compared to you knowing, and not taking action [it shows you are not an interested parent]. Either way, the ducks have to be set within the next few days.
y2k Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm 36, been married since 2007, with an 8-year-old son. I work in management, lower-level, have to travel for my job between sites for the company I work for. I only just found out about my wife's affair with an OM she met online when checking emails on the iPad, was stunned to discover she'd bought tickets for her and our son, and has actually flown out to meet this OM over in the UK. I'd been working away most of the week, staying in a hotel, had loads of meetings that ran from 10am until about 6 or 7pm some nights. I feel crushed, sick, upset, need help really. I'm probably going to have to divorce her, but is there any hope for reconciliation, given how young our son is? Wow. I'm so sorry. If a spouse cheats (especially if its a woman because they usually cheat in hopes of being with the other man unlike men), then the marriage is over. About getting child custody, I'm afraid it's not that easy for a man, no matter what the mother does. Women can cheat, introduce their child to their new lover (and potential future husband) and the courts will still find it hard to take the child away from the mother. Mothers have every advantage in child custody battles, even if the mother is a cheater. I'm sorry but that tends to be the norm. Lawyer up ASAP either way. You may still not lose much money from this. Also, what about this other man made your wife go so crazy??? Is he economically at your level (or does he make more money???)??? Is he significantly younger than her (usually older married women fall deeply in love with single younger attractive men.....men like this cause this type of behavior in older married women, just check the internet and read the stories)??? I mean it seems beyond weird that she would find someone so quickly over the internet, and move out there as fast as she did. There has to be more to this story. Don't let her trick you into taking her back for anything. Re-do your life. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 About getting child custody, I'm afraid it's not that easy for a man, no matter what the mother does. Women can cheat, introduce their child to their new lover (and potential future husband) and the courts will still find it hard to take the child away from the mother. Mothers have every advantage in child custody battles, even if the mother is a cheater. I'm sorry but that tends to be the norm. Lawyer up ASAP either way. You may still not lose much money from this. Sorry to hijack your thread OP but I HAVE to respond to this epic misconception. Sorry but I call bulls*t on this statement. Women DO NOT have special rights and privileges when it comes to the courts and if you ever doubt that, just take a look at the court system of domestic abuse cases where women are continually victimized at the hands of the court that is supposed to protect them and their children. I've worked in this field for many years and have come to seriously distrust the court system with every year I clocked working with abused women and children. And trust me, women are NOT favored. Or at least not where I live. What does work? Money and lots of it. If you have the financial resources to hire the best team of lawyers who know how to navigate the legal system and drag out battles until someone cries "Uncle", then you have the upper hand regardless of gender. I've seen this play out HUNDREDS of times. 1
Chi townD Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Talk to a lawyer, like, right now. If she fled the country with your son, then see about getting a restraining order against your wife and also an injunction against your wife that will not allow her to take your son outside the country again (if they even return). Call her parents, tell them what happened (they might be able to talk her into bringing your son back home. They are his grandparents afterall and they stand not being able to see their grandchild. So, they will be invested to see about his return as well.) But, don't tell them about the lawyer or if you're able to get a RO and an injunction. They'll tell her about it and that may fuel her desire not to return.
Author Blach8 Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Wow. I'm so sorry. If a spouse cheats (especially if its a woman because they usually cheat in hopes of being with the other man unlike men), then the marriage is over. About getting child custody, I'm afraid it's not that easy for a man, no matter what the mother does. Women can cheat, introduce their child to their new lover (and potential future husband) and the courts will still find it hard to take the child away from the mother. Mothers have every advantage in child custody battles, even if the mother is a cheater. I'm sorry but that tends to be the norm. Lawyer up ASAP either way. You may still not lose much money from this. Also, what about this other man made your wife go so crazy??? Is he economically at your level (or does he make more money???)??? Is he significantly younger than her (usually older married women fall deeply in love with single younger attractive men.....men like this cause this type of behavior in older married women, just check the internet and read the stories)??? I mean it seems beyond weird that she would find someone so quickly over the internet, and move out there as fast as she did. There has to be more to this story. Don't let her trick you into taking her back for anything. Re-do your life. On a public terminal now, so will have to be quick. I got an email off her yesterday, saying she'd moved in with him, and it ended with "I'm gone 4 good and our son's calling him dad now, u aint seein him, so go 2 hell." As for the guy, he's from a town called Wigan in the UK, had to look it up on Google Maps, he's about my age, but a year older, and she likes him for him, his muscular body (I have a fairly muscular one too), and his Wigan accent, which she described as hot on her FB page. She really has moved out - only 3 camisoles and a swimsuit remain in the wardrobe. When reality hits, and I think it will, how will it affect her, especially now she's stuck in the honeymoon phase?
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 On a public terminal now, so will have to be quick. I got an email off her yesterday, saying she'd moved in with him, and it ended with "I'm gone 4 good and our son's calling him dad now, u aint seein him, so go 2 hell." ... When reality hits, and I think it will, how will it affect her, especially now she's stuck in the honeymoon phase? Your problem at this point is giving a flying f*ck how it will effect her. Look, right now you're in shock and your mind is going in a thousand different directions, but you don't have the luxury of staying in that place. You need to focus on your son and getting him back, and to that end your job is to get a lawyer and to absolutely cut your wife off financially, if you haven't done so already. 7
Emilia Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Your problem at this point is giving a flying f*ck how it will effect her. Look, right now you're in shock and your mind is going in a thousand different directions, but you don't have the luxury of staying in that place. You need to focus on your son and getting him back, and to that end your job is to get a lawyer and to absolutely cut your wife off financially, if you haven't done so already. Wigan is an economically deprived area of the UK OP. This could work in your favour. It's likely means that guy doesn't have much money, he might not even be employed. Which means if you cut your wife off financially, she will be forced to talk to you. 2
Owl6118 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You need to read this thoroughly and carefully, right now: Abductions FROM the U.S. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Which means if you cut your wife off financially, she will be forced to talk to you. And when she does, she'll likely be either sugary sweet or mean as a snake. Be prepared for either and calmly stick to the point that matters: "when are you sending our son back home". 3
Orange floor Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) Wigan is a pretty much small unfavoured spot in which to live. If the OM is from Wigan he will soon get bored with your wife, there is little style in Wigan. She will not have entitlements to social care sector and I guess once the excitement wears off and she looks around her she will be alarmed. You have to think about what triggered this really hostile kind of move and as for saying the things about your son she should realise that the law in the UK about taking her son away from his father will not sit fine with judicial system in the UK. But be prepared for all sorts of stories from her about your behaviour to justify her actions. You do need to obtain legal help and have the Embassy in the UK contact your wife as it is not simple setting up residency in the UK. And there must be something within your system about removing a child from the education system with your being made aware Apart from the above your wife has to have some malfunction in her make up to upped and left as a result of a "internet" relationship. i really hope you get to the bottom of this and receive the resolution you most need. obviously you need to freeze whatever bank accounts you can and cease credit cards Edited June 17, 2014 by Orange floor addition 3
Chi townD Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You need to act NOW! You need to find an international family lawyer. This lawyer should be able to inact the Hague Convention. The Hague Convention has been signed by a lot of participating countries and it includes the United Kingdom for parents to get their children back. Save that email, that is your proof that your wife took your child without any intention of bringing him home. You have proof that your home is your son habitual residence, school records, medical records.....blah...blah... and Hague convention cases are usually concluded within six weeks....they don't sit on these. The longer you wait, then the longer the child will be acclimated to his new environment; therefore, you stand a chance of a Judge of that country to rule not to return the child. Your lawyer can also send her a letter stating the civil, criminal and financial ramifications that will be brought against her if she doesn't return your son. Might be enough to scare her to return your son. If she's an American and in the UK, she can stay in the UK for up to 6 months. Don't give her time to find a job and apply for a work visa, or getting a long term visa. GET YOUR KID BACK!!!!! If your wife wants to move to the UK, then fine. But, she's not going to take your son away from you. FIGHT!!! 2
happyman64 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Blach Your wife is crazy and from her message I would say gone for good. You are better off without her. Focus on you. Focus on your boy. File with the authorities and get a good attorney because you have been abandoned and your wife has kidnapped your son IMO. HM
aliveagain Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) Press charges, do not wait to act, that will work against you. Are you American, if not what is your country of origin, are you a commonwealth country? Are you the biological father? Your inaction is concerning. There has to be more to this, how does a wife and mother pick up and move to another country with your child? This didn't just happen, this has to have been going on for some time. Edited June 17, 2014 by aliveagain 2
revelations Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Blach8 My friend your situation does suck. You need a lawyer ASAP, and I mean as in yesterday. However I do not know what can be done at this point since the child is already out of the country. However the truth is that you need to protest her actions in court. At this point not only can she keep you from seeing the child, she can also collect child support and alimony from you. Do not be fooled if she tells you that she does not want child support. She can come back years, even decades later and demand full payment of child support. So even if your not able to ever see your child again, by getting child support set up is in your benefit. This will prevent her from coming back and taking revenge on you years later through child support. If anyone here tries to claim bullsh*t that women do not or cannot use child support as a means of revenge NEVER BELIEVE THEM. Simply put, right now get that lawyer and try to get custody of your kid. If this cannot be done or you do not have the money to do this, at least get that child support order to protect yourself. Remember that your kid will grow up and can look for you later. However this will do no good if you have an xWW that is able to turn you into a slave because she is enabled to do so by the family courts. So please get that lawyer and into the courts so at least you can protect yourself somewhat. Michelle ma Belle When I first read your post that it was bullsh*t about women having special rights in court I was about ready to rip you a new one. However I noticed that you list being from Canada, so the laws their may be different from the states. I can tell you that here in the USA it takes a lot of money, usually far more than most men have to win custody of a child. I can tell you from both personal experience and what I have studied about the subject is that a father has no rights at all in a family court, not even his Constitutional rights apply in a family court. During a divorce when alimony is ordered to be paid it is not so the xWW can get on her feet. That alimony is to keep her in a lifestyle that she has become use to. This alimony law is written in the books for most states that award alimony, usually the states that give lifetime alimony. Fathers do not get primary physical custody of children in most cases unless it can be proved she is unfit or unable. Most of the time when a father does get primary physical custody of a child it is because the ex-wife agrees to it.
Recommended Posts