Have I messed this up?

[Bozzy]

Hi everyone, chasing some feedback about a situation I'm currently in.

 

4 weeks ago on a Saturday night, I met an awesome woman when I spontaneously went out alone for a few drinks and a live band.

 

We clicked straight away, heaps of chatting, plenty of chemistry, cuddling and making out.....it just worked, we ended up back at her friends house where we fooled around a bit and feel asleep together on the couch.

 

Next morning, get her number, some follow up texts are sent back and forth, you know, had a great night, should do it again, did you get home/to work ok.

 

Between that night at last Wednesday (4th June) We got together 3 times.

 

The first time we went and played some mini golf, had some drinks and enjoyed a good chat the whole night, about family, our kids, all sorts of stuff.

 

Ended up back at her place had some more drinks, alot of talking and eventually slept together, me staying the night.

 

2nd time was the following Saturday night, I tried to set something up, but she was going to have a drink with her girlfriend, so I suggested we catch up later, I met her at her friends place where we hung out for a bit before going back to her place again, spoke more about the above topics before heading to bed for a movie and another sleep over.

 

3rd time was the 4th of June, we hadn't planned to do anything and we were texting each other when she invited me over, we had another chat (this time her concern about having been in relationships most of her adult life came out)over a few drinks then hit the sack and I slept over.

 

So at this point it's pretty clear we have some amazing chemistry together, in and out of bed, we've had crazy wild sex 3 out of 3 times, but we've both also spoken about some pretty personal stuff, things that I wouldn't expect to discuss with someone so soon if sex was the only motivator.

 

I began to feel a bit too attached and started over thinking things, so to get myself in the right head space, I asked her on the Saturday what she wanted, hook ups or more.

 

Her response what that she had been in relationships most of her adult life and at this stage is just after friendship, enjoys my company and wants to keep things simple...I reply that I'm cool with that.

 

So, to put this next part in context I should say the following.

 

On the 7th, I took my kids to the local theme park and planned to take them again on the 9th as it was a public holiday. (we have annual passes that get us unlimited entry)

 

On Sunday (8th) I message her just asking how her day had been, find out that she is taking her kids to the local theme park the next day, I ask if she would like some extra adult company (as friends) because she was going with another couple.(the girlfriend who I'd met earlier in the story)

 

She didn't think that was a good idea, all good I say, I'm heading down anyway, so don't freak out if we bump into each other, not expecting to see her as it's pretty busy there.

 

Ended up seeing her more than once and while we did talk it wasn't the same as when we were together, no biggie I think, she's with her kids and doesn't want them asking questions yet as we're not a couple or anything like that.

 

Next day (Tuesday) I get a message, I don't think it's a good idea that we are friends on facebook anymore (we'd only been FB friends 3 days) I know you are looking for something else than what I can give you or anyone else at this stage of my life, it would be cool to keep in touch, just not the constant contact the facebook has.

 

my response was.....cool cool, it's only facebook, I'm not looking for a full on relationship either, what we had was really good and it'd be a shame to lose that, so as long as you want to stay in touch, I'm happy for that, just let me know what you want to do.

 

Since then, I haven't heard from her, I sent her one message just of me cracking open a drink on Thursday (we're both bourbon drinkers) and it got ignored, still no word from her yet.

 

I think she has either freaked out after I asked her what she wanted and thrown up a wall so she doesn't get hurt or is pissed about seeing me at the theme park, probably thinking I went there just to bump into her.

 

Now while I'm not looking for a relationship right now and I'm not in love with here, but she is in my head and I could see myself with this woman down the track, so I want to at least get her to stop ignoring me, but if I push too much now, she'll just keep ignoring me.

 

I was thinking if I give her more time to see if she gets in touch, then just flick her a message or give her a call to say hi and see what happens.

 

I just need someone outside my circle of friends to offer their thoughts, my apologies for the long post and thanks for any input.

[michellew]

She doesn't want you to see her Facebook and disappears right after. I have a hunch she is now in a serious relationship or back with an ex and doesn't want you to see it on Facebook, nor keep in contact due to the relationship she's in. Sorry.

[Imajerk17]

Hi everyone, chasing some feedback about a situation I'm currently in.

 

4 weeks ago on a Saturday night, I met an awesome woman when I spontaneously went out alone for a few drinks and a live band.

 

We clicked straight away, heaps of chatting, plenty of chemistry, cuddling and making out.....it just worked, we ended up back at her friends house where we fooled around a bit and feel asleep together on the couch.

 

Almost EVERY one of these threads says "there was plenty of chemistry" or something like that. And that always makes me chuckle as it's hard to tell for sure what someone else is actually feeling. The only thing you really can be sure of OP, is that YOU were feeling all that chemistry. But anyway...

 

Next morning, get her number, some follow up texts are sent back and forth, you know, had a great night, should do it again, did you get home/to work ok.

 

Between that night at last Wednesday (4th June) We got together 3 times.

 

The first time we went and played some mini golf, had some drinks and enjoyed a good chat the whole night, about family, our kids, all sorts of stuff.

 

Ended up back at her place had some more drinks, alot of talking and eventually slept together, me staying the night.

 

2nd time was the following Saturday night, I tried to set something up, but she was going to have a drink with her girlfriend, so I suggested we catch up later, I met her at her friends place where we hung out for a bit before going back to her place again, spoke more about the above topics before heading to bed for a movie and another sleep over.

 

3rd time was the 4th of June, we hadn't planned to do anything and we were texting each other when she invited me over, we had another chat (this time her concern about having been in relationships most of her adult life came out)over a few drinks then hit the sack and I slept over.

 

So at this point it's pretty clear we have some amazing chemistry together, in and out of bed, we've had crazy wild sex 3 out of 3 times, but we've both also spoken about some pretty personal stuff, things that I wouldn't expect to discuss with someone so soon if sex was the only motivator.

 

I began to feel a bit too attached and started over thinking things, so to get myself in the right head space, I asked her on the Saturday what she wanted, hook ups or more.

 

Her response what that she had been in relationships most of her adult life and at this stage is just after friendship, enjoys my company and wants to keep things simple...I reply that I'm cool with that.

I'm somewhat confused. Did you have two talks about what you both want? I thought she already told you she wasn't looking for anything serious on the 4th, why did you ask her 3 days later?

 

So, to put this next part in context I should say the following.

 

On the 7th, I took my kids to the local theme park and planned to take them again on the 9th as it was a public holiday. (we have annual passes that get us unlimited entry)

 

On Sunday (8th) I message her just asking how her day had been, find out that she is taking her kids to the local theme park the next day, I ask if she would like some extra adult company (as friends) because she was going with another couple.(the girlfriend who I'd met earlier in the story)

 

She didn't think that was a good idea, all good I say, I'm heading down anyway, so don't freak out if we bump into each other, not expecting to see her as it's pretty busy there.

 

Ended up seeing her more than once and while we did talk it wasn't the same as when we were together, no biggie I think, she's with her kids and doesn't want them asking questions yet as we're not a couple or anything like that.

At this point before you ran into her at the park it sounds to me that she already isn't that into you/is feeling crowded by you. Which is why she turned down your invitation for a date with no counteroffer. Running into her at the park both revealed and exacerbated that.

 

 

 

Next day (Tuesday) I get a message, I don't think it's a good idea that we are friends on facebook anymore (we'd only been FB friends 3 days) I know you are looking for something else than what I can give you or anyone else at this stage of my life, it would be cool to keep in touch, just not the constant contact the facebook has.

 

my response was.....cool cool, it's only facebook, I'm not looking for a full on relationship either, what we had was really good and it'd be a shame to lose that, so as long as you want to stay in touch, I'm happy for that, just let me know what you want to do.

 

Since then, I haven't heard from her, I sent her one message just of me cracking open a drink on Thursday (we're both bourbon drinkers) and it got ignored, still no word from her yet.

 

I think she has either freaked out after I asked her what she wanted and thrown up a wall so she doesn't get hurt or is pissed about seeing me at the theme park, probably thinking I went there just to bump into her.

 

Now while I'm not looking for a relationship right now and I'm not in love with here, but she is in my head and I could see myself with this woman down the track, so I want to at least get her to stop ignoring me, but if I push too much now, she'll just keep ignoring me.

 

I was thinking if I give her more time to see if she gets in touch, then just flick her a message or give her a call to say hi and see what happens.

 

I just need someone outside my circle of friends to offer their thoughts, my apologies for the long post and thanks for any input.

I'm thinking you made it clear you were looking for more, while she was not on the same page. After that, it's hard to avoid the downward spiral. It's VERY difficult to keep seeing someone who clearly wants more than you do. The person wanting less tends to feel guilty, annoyed, wanting space, ect.

 

But yes, it is unfortunate that you and she were at the amusement park the same day (Monday the 9th). When she told you she wasn't looking for anything serious, ideally you'd be backing off yourself.

 

I do think though, that this whole thing wasn't really right. The right woman would be thrilled that you want to become exclusive after a couple sleep-overs. When you invited her to the park, she would have said yes, or come up with a counteroffer if she wasn't ready to play meet the kids.

 

Forget about her. You made your interest clear. You have nothing left to say to her. Maybe she will realize what a good thing she had with you, and will get in contact with YOU. (But don't be waiting around though...)

 

She doesn't want you to see her Facebook and disappears right after. I have a hunch she is now in a serious relationship or back with an ex and doesn't want you to see it on Facebook, nor keep in contact due to the relationship she's in. Sorry.

 

Quite possible too.

Edited June 14, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Bozzy]

I'm somewhat confused. Did you have two talks about what you both want? I thought she already told you she wasn't looking for anything serious on the 4th, why did you ask her 3 days later?

No, on the 4th, she just mentioned briefly about having been in relationships most of her life and was acting a bit nervous, this is what prompted me to ask what she was looking for a few days later, it confused me a little as I wasn't even sure what I was looking for myself.

 

At this point before you ran into her at the park it sounds to me that she already isn't that into you/is feeling crowded by you. Which is why she turned down your invitation for a date with no counteroffer. Running into her at the park both revealed and exacerbated that.

But yes, it is unfortunate that you and she were at the amusement park the same day (Monday the 9th). When she told you she wasn't looking for anything serious, ideally you'd be backing off yourself.

I agree with this, I think the root of the problem is when I asked about what she was after, then following up so soon after about joining her at the park, seeing her there certainly didn't help.

 

I'm thinking you made it clear you were looking for more, while she was not on the same page. After that, it's hard to avoid the downward spiral. It's VERY difficult to keep seeing someone who clearly wants more than you do. The person wanting less tends to feel guilty, annoyed, wanting space, ect.

It wasn't until I asked her what she wanted that she thought I wanted more, which I answered honestly when I said that I'm not looking for a full on relationship either at this stage, I probably should have also told her I was in the same boat, as I had been in a relationship since I was 19 (it ended when I was 31)

 

I do think though, that this whole thing wasn't really right. The right woman would be thrilled that you want to become exclusive after a couple sleep-overs. When you invited her to the park, she would have said yes, or come up with a counteroffer if she wasn't ready to play meet the kids.

I never suggested becoming exclusive.

 

When I think back to discussions we had about our kids, she had issues with her ex introducing new partners to their kids too soon (like in the first month) so I think that the park invitation situation was doomed regardless of her level of interest, as she is very much about the well being of her kids and you can't fault that.

 

Forget about her. You made your interest clear. You have nothing left to say to her. Maybe she will realize what a good thing she had with you, and will get in contact with YOU. (But don't be waiting around though...)

Yeah, I'm already in that zone now, I have made it clear that I like her for her, that I'm happy to go with the flow and it's up to her whether she wants to do the same.

 

I just needed to run things by someone who doesn't know me and isn't going to sugar coat things.

 

Thanks to those who have provided feedback so far, feel free to continue contributing. As a 32yo who has only been single for the last 14 months after a 12yr relationship, this was my first taste back in the dating world, so it's good to get some ideas.

Edited June 14, 2014 by Bozzy

[jbelle6]

I have a child so keep in mind I am looking at this from that perspective.

I don't introduce him to anyone for months and months, only after it is REALLY serious. I think you showing up at the theme park sketched her out, I would have been.

Maybe stuff like that isn't a big deal to a guy but if a girl lives alone with just her child I think some of us are very cautious for safety reasons, and I don't think it's good for a boy to

see a string of men around his Mum. Maybe she feels same?

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I don't think I'd hold my breath on this one. I am sure you will meet someone soon!

[Bozzy]

I have a child so keep in mind I am looking at this from that perspective.

I don't introduce him to anyone for months and months, only after it is REALLY serious. I think you showing up at the theme park sketched her out, I would have been.

Maybe stuff like that isn't a big deal to a guy but if a girl lives alone with just her child I think some of us are very cautious for safety reasons, and I don't think it's good for a boy to

see a string of men around his Mum. Maybe she feels same?

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I don't think I'd hold my breath on this one. I am sure you will meet someone soon!

 

I definitely agree with that, (she has 2 girls) I have my own boys and I wouldn't want them getting attached to a new potential partner, much better to wait until it's exclusive and a more sure thing, it's why I wasn't concerned when she declined my suggestion to meet up, even though it was just as friends and it's also why I mentioned I had plans to go when I first suggested it.

 

In hindsight, I wouldn't have gone to the park.

 

Like I said above, I think the asking what she wanted got her worried, but would have worked out, but I think the park situation has blown it for sure.

 

It's a shame, because we did get along very well from the moment we started talking, both in similar situations, conversation flowed easily whenever we got together, ah well you live and learn.

 

Fingers crossed she decides she needs a bit of company and I cross her mind, but I'm not counting on it.

[RachR]

You say you don't want a relationship with her, but it sounds like you do. Look at how much you wrote in this post. And how much she is on your brain. You at least have a major crush going on and see yourself being with her, but it still comes off you want more in some way than her it appears.

 

And maybe even though you told her it was all cool, she sensed you were disingenuous in saying it's all cool and friendship or casual dating is all you want too. Could be your actions didn't show that was the case or actions and words didn't seem to match, so she did the fade. Just a thought.

[hechicera]

From my perspective, being a single mother too, I agree that she probably thought you were moving too fast and the fact that you bumped into her at the park when she was with her kids didn't help… If it was me I would have felt very uncomfortable in that situation because I don't introduce my daughter to any date until I know the person well, I'm very protective of her to the point where I don't even mention her name until I'm very comfortable with the person. I'd say give her time, definitely don't push it, see if she contacts you and if not, let her go. The Facebook thing could have been because of the same, I don't add people to my Facebook easily because there's information about my daughter in there that I wouldn't want to share with someone I just met. Hopefully after you back off she realizes you two had a good connection and she contact you again.

[jbelle6]

I definitely agree with that, (she has 2 girls) I have my own boys and I wouldn't want them getting attached to a new potential partner, much better to wait until it's exclusive and a more sure thing, it's why I wasn't concerned when she declined my suggestion to meet up, even though it was just as friends and it's also why I mentioned I had plans to go when I first suggested it.

 

In hindsight, I wouldn't have gone to the park.

 

Like I said above, I think the asking what she wanted got her worried, but would have worked out, but I think the park situation has blown it for sure.

 

It's a shame, because we did get along very well from the moment we started talking, both in similar situations, conversation flowed easily whenever we got together, ah well you live and learn.

 

Fingers crossed she decides she needs a bit of company and I cross her mind, but I'm not counting on it.

 

 

Aww, that really does suck. I'm sorry that happened. I also know you did not intend to freak her out at all. I too hope she comes around, you never know, just keep meeting other people while you are waiting. Things will work out!

[Bozzy]

You say you don't want a relationship with her, but it sounds like you do. Look at how much you wrote in this post. And how much she is on your brain. You at least have a major crush going on and see yourself being with her, but it still comes off you want more in some way than her it appears.

 

And maybe even though you told her it was all cool, she sensed you were disingenuous in saying it's all cool and friendship or casual dating is all you want too. Could be your actions didn't show that was the case or actions and words didn't seem to match, so she did the fade. Just a thought.

 

I only wrote so much, because if you're going to ask for advice, may as well give the information.

 

I'll admit to crushing on her alot, if I wasn't this would have been an easy situation to walk away from, I'd rather be honest and see what happens than stand back and wonder what if.

 

I don't want a relationship now, what we had was working, but I wasn't sure what it was, so had to ask.

 

I wouldn't have been against a relationship if it evolved that way naturally and I did mention this when she said she wasn't looking for more than we had at the moment.

 

I guess that when you are feeling something for someone else, it's easy for things to get misunderstood, it's human nature.

 

I'm playing the back off card, she now knows where I stand and if she wants to kick things off again it's up to her, but I've accepted that it's not likely....such is life.

 

 

Thanks again for all the comments, there is a pretty good bunch of people here