How to deal with someone who had a lot of partners.

[Mcscooter]

I'm having a hard time deciding, if I really want to stay with this women. It sounds horrible, but I have my reasons.

 

She's a great lady, personality, looks, she's got it all. I can see a future with her honestly.

 

The thing is. One day we went out to a party. Let's say around 4 parties. Well we finally go back to our room. She starts balling and starts telling me all the guys she screwed. It was very uncalled for. The worst part was I shook hands with 3 of the guys. That kind of strikes my pride as a man.

 

Her past really disturbs me. She slept with a lot of guys i'm sure because she admitted, but I didn't ask her how many because I don't want to know. She also one time mention how some guy was really good in bed. Once again strikes my pride.

 

We've been going out for 8 months.

 

This happen about 4 months ago and i'm still thinking about it. It bothers the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do.

 

I look at the right things she does more than the wrong, but for some odd reason something will trigger my memory and all I remember is how I met the guys she screwed and the guy who was so "good" in bed.

 

She says i'm the best she's had. I believe her, but than again I am her boyfriend.

 

It bothers me because I just felt like she really didn't cherish sex. I believe sex should be cherish. She said she does, but let's be serious now. If you went out and screwed a lot of guys you obviously didn't cherish it. Not to mention she tried screwing me within a month. I wanted to wait. She values things differently as me.

 

She went to college and experienced that part of life. Parties, one night stands, blacked out nights.

I joined the Military out of high school and pretty much my youth was sacrificed, so I never lived that life. As much as I want to explore. I don't think it's necessary as I got bigger things to worry about, such as my life.

 

I'm seeking personal opinions and advice. More of "What would you do"

[Kid_Charlemange]

Can I ask how old your GF is?

[todreaminblue]

It is crass to talk of sexual prowess of past lovers plain and simple it is just wrong it is awkward and unnecessary....i seem to feel if you want to talk abotu hwo good this lover was or how good that lover was or the opposite how crap they were... i would say to that person you yourself, have no sexual identity of your own and should maybe take the time to become more experienced with the lover you are with...sexual dynamic is only important to the relationship you are in.....good or bad

 

 

 

as far as haivng more lovers....i have not met a man yet nor will i who has had more sex than i have...adn i will truyl say it isnt important fro the above reason stated......

 

 

you are judging her my friend and that isnt fair and it is affronting your pride which is a delay in growth sexually yourself....do not let her affront your pride because she just doesnt get it to talk in such a way to you...immaturity ......and lack o factual knowledge and thoughtlessness is not a good mix fro sexual satisfaction..........

 

 

i have never made a man feel defunct sexually.....i make a man feel loved and understood i m with one guy.......not all my lovers in the past i am with him ...and he is my last whther he sitn my last i treat him as such ...wtih respect and loyalty...... ...trust therefore is always given to me.in spite of my red flag status...they only feel that when i disclose ...it goees away rather quickly...and that is what i feel is more important than sex for if there is no love and trust and loyalty there is no good sex....i am confident in my abilities and any lover i have is never left feeling lacking or wanting in spite of my many contacts...i am safe and secure so therefore i make them feel the same and the sexual contact therefore prgresses to be a beautiful thing not a crass gauche and awkward thing.........they are left just smiling....adn thats the way it should be.......deb

[michellew]

Just because she has had a lot of partners, doesn't mean she doesn't cherish the sex she has with you. I have had many partners, but the sex was always different and special with the few that I deeply cared for or loved.

 

The fact that she cried and told you tells me she feels it was wrong to have so many and it was eating her up. It may have been a cry for help. Perhaps there are deeper rooted reasons for her sexual adventures. I know there definitely were for mine. Or maybe it was just her living the normal wild college life like you said. Either way, it sounds like she wants to close that chapter in her life by telling you about it.

 

As for telling you about another mans performance skills, that was certainly uncalled for. I have no idea why she would do that. Unless she does it all the time, I wouldn't let it mess with your manhood. I'm sure you really are the best if she's told you that. She sounds like she's open and honest with you. Plus, if the sex was bad, I doubt she'd still be around 8 months later!

[Mrin]

Yep. Need age info. Also any sense on sheer number of past partners? Ballpark?

[todreaminblue]

Yep. Need age info. Also any sense on sheer number of past partners? Ballpark?

 

 

he doesnt want to think abotu it nor should he, he finds that hard so thinking of a number or finding out the number out will not help him in any fashion ...her age i reckon early twenties.....maybe late more early....more of a teenage mentality though for the girl...and i say girl not woman to be caught up in poor emotional control...i could possibly be wrong but i feel it.....deb

[Mrin]

I find it odd that many females are so out of touch with their man's psyche that they bring up the ex, past sex, etc. It's a recipe for future issues. Just don't go there. This unnecessary info adds nothing of positive value.

 

I think the same can be said of men who bring it up too but I totally agree with you on the impact on men's psyches. Absolutely positively nothing good that can come of it unless it is an indicator of interest in a MFF 3some.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I was guessing early 20s as well.

 

It's been a while since I was in college, but my understanding is that casual hookups are kind of the norm now, while we used to actually "date" when I was a student. thus the numbers are almost certainly going to be higher for younger people today than they were when I was their age.

 

One of the questions on a dating site is "Divide your age by two. have you had that many partners?" I have no idea where they got that formula, but it must have some significance.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Feeling secure is what I always want. It builds a trust. If I knew my guy at his age had slept with a half dozen females it would be fine...but 30? That would rattle me and make me feel insecure.

 

I think that makes a lot of sense. We all probably have a number in our head that tips the comfortable/uncomfortable balance. But that number will vary wildly from person to person. The OP either needs to deal with the fact that she has a past, or let her go. Worrying about it does him no good at all.

 

Of my closest male friends, one guy married his high school sweetheart and I'd be shocked if he ever cheated on her, so his number is 1. Another close friend has had at least 100, possibly 200. (I fall in between those numbers ) They are both unique individuals and their sexual experience is just part of who they are, based largely on their circumstances. I wouldn't ever think to judge any of them.

 

That said, I think we all come from a position based on our own comfort level. For instance, I've never had a ONS. When my ex had one (while we were together), I think I took it worse than some guys would, because even outside of the relationship, I didn't think that was the kind of behavior she would indulge in. I've kind of backed away from that position now, because I realize I was judging her for the hookup as well as the cheating, and really all I was entitled to was the cheating. Old habits are hard to break and it's taken me a while to grasp that.

 

We're all human, after all...

 

EDIT: Sorry, I left out my point: I knew that my ex had had far more partners than I had, but every time she'd even come close to telling me a number, I'd stop her -- I felt I was better off not knowing.

[J21]

They say that the past is the past, and it shouldn't matter, but clearly it is affecting you. If it happened 4 months ago and it's still eating away at you, you really need to give it serious thought. Unfortunately, this is a decision only you can make yourself. We don't know all the little details about your relationship with her.

 

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably break up with her if it was chipping away at me even at 4 months. The fact that you are scared to even ask the number of partners is a pretty bad sign. It wouldn't give me enough confidence as to make her my wife. Again, this is just my personal opinion.

Edited June 13, 2014 by J21

[Leigh 87]

I had a lot of one one night stands and casual sex.

 

I never enjoyed it though and I only had sex outside of a relationship because i was damaged.

 

Now that I have received professional help and aged a little, I can only have sex inside loving relationships and I hate sex in a casual manner. I am as did and now the thought of sex with a man who isn't in love with me makes me sick.

 

Just because she had a high number that doesn't mean she still values sex less than you. People can change. I have. I value sex and cherish it just as much as a person with a low number pof sexual partners

 

 

My past didn't dictate how i view sex now. I value and cherish sex the same way as my friends who have a very low number of sexual partners.

[marcjb]

I'm having a hard time deciding, if I really want to stay with this women. It sounds horrible, but I have my reasons.

 

She's a great lady, personality, looks, she's got it all. I can see a future with her honestly.

 

The thing is. One day we went out to a party. Let's say around 4 parties. Well we finally go back to our room. She starts balling and starts telling me all the guys she screwed. It was very uncalled for. The worst part was I shook hands with 3 of the guys. That kind of strikes my pride as a man.

 

Her past really disturbs me. She slept with a lot of guys i'm sure because she admitted, but I didn't ask her how many because I don't want to know. She also one time mention how some guy was really good in bed. Once again strikes my pride.

 

We've been going out for 8 months.

 

This happen about 4 months ago and i'm still thinking about it. It bothers the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do.

 

I look at the right things she does more than the wrong, but for some odd reason something will trigger my memory and all I remember is how I met the guys she screwed and the guy who was so "good" in bed.

 

She says i'm the best she's had. I believe her, but than again I am her boyfriend.

 

It bothers me because I just felt like she really didn't cherish sex. I believe sex should be cherish. She said she does, but let's be serious now. If you went out and screwed a lot of guys you obviously didn't cherish it. Not to mention she tried screwing me within a month. I wanted to wait. She values things differently as me.

 

She went to college and experienced that part of life. Parties, one night stands, blacked out nights.

I joined the Military out of high school and pretty much my youth was sacrificed, so I never lived that life. As much as I want to explore. I don't think it's necessary as I got bigger things to worry about, such as my life.

 

I'm seeking personal opinions and advice. More of "What would you do"

 

Your story sounds VERY familiar to mine with my ex fiancé. Is she someone that pretty much just has male friends? Doesn't "get along" with other women, and really doesn't have any female friends? All I'm going to say is that it didn't turn out good for me.

[you_can_not_see_me]

I'm having a hard time deciding, if I really want to stay with this women. It sounds horrible, but I have my reasons.

 

She's a great lady, personality, looks, she's got it all. I can see a future with her honestly.

 

The thing is. One day we went out to a party. Let's say around 4 parties. Well we finally go back to our room. She starts balling and starts telling me all the guys she screwed. It was very uncalled for. The worst part was I shook hands with 3 of the guys. That kind of strikes my pride as a man.

 

Her past really disturbs me. She slept with a lot of guys i'm sure because she admitted, but I didn't ask her how many because I don't want to know. She also one time mention how some guy was really good in bed. Once again strikes my pride.

 

We've been going out for 8 months.

 

This happen about 4 months ago and i'm still thinking about it. It bothers the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do.

 

I look at the right things she does more than the wrong, but for some odd reason something will trigger my memory and all I remember is how I met the guys she screwed and the guy who was so "good" in bed.

 

She says i'm the best she's had. I believe her, but than again I am her boyfriend.

 

It bothers me because I just felt like she really didn't cherish sex. I believe sex should be cherish. She said she does, but let's be serious now. If you went out and screwed a lot of guys you obviously didn't cherish it. Not to mention she tried screwing me within a month. I wanted to wait. She values things differently as me.

 

She went to college and experienced that part of life. Parties, one night stands, blacked out nights.

I joined the Military out of high school and pretty much my youth was sacrificed, so I never lived that life. As much as I want to explore. I don't think it's necessary as I got bigger things to worry about, such as my life.

 

I'm seeking personal opinions and advice. More of "What would you do"

I could just be her personality. I have known a few girls who just say whatever they are thinking and they can come off as funny, rude or a bitch because of it. But I don't think it really makes them a bad person, in some ways its actually great to have a girl who is really upfront like that, you don't need to waste your time trying to figure out what she's thinking, But I can understand that their brutal honesty can sting at times and it makes them seem callous and inconsiderate.

 

I think it would do you well to stop comparing yourself with the girl and her previous lovers and just be happy with the fact that she is with you now, while she could have chosen to be with someone else instead, obviously the girl thins you are a catch.

[d0nnivain]

If you can't deal you can't deal. It's kind of an all or nothing proposition.

 

If you are going to stay together you have to be able to completely let go & never look back.

 

If you can't do that, then don't. The worst thing you can do is try to stay together then be all judge-y or develop performance anxiety,

 

Personally I'm more offended that she told you some of this stuff in such detail then that she did it. Everybody has a past but a classy person doesn't throw it in the new person's face.

[todreaminblue]

I was guessing early 20s as well.

 

It's been a while since I was in college, but my understanding is that casual hookups are kind of the norm now, while we used to actually "date" when I was a student. thus the numbers are almost certainly going to be higher for younger people today than they were when I was their age.

 

One of the questions on a dating site is "Divide your age by two. have you had that many partners?" I have no idea where they got that formula, but it must have some significance.

 

 

oh dear an equation i dont want to think about....equatable to me ....would scare away any chance of me ever havign happiness again so yes best to remian silent......and say i made huge mistakes on my maths exam...yes i did it it was me..... and i have been forgiven my carry ons and dropped all participle remainders is it reminders in someones backyard pool with my old tangent calculator with push buttons......, where all anomaly's and equations of a past should go............forgive my past and ill make your future bright equation...sounds cool to me...a plus b equals you wont regret choosing to factor me into your own equation.ill forgive your tangents and co sine with you just send em a smiley face or two if you are busy sort of equation and ill be happy........yeah i am geek with a past...its not all i am if a guy cant read algebra doesnt matter to m ejust dotn get me to explain a number................deb.

Edited June 14, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Kid_Charlemange]

oill forgive your tangents and co sine with you just send em a smiley face or two if you are busy sort of equation and ill be happy....................deb.

 

Oh come on, that formula isn't that tough -- no trig required!

 

Mine's easy: 51/2 = 26.5 The answer for me is, no, I haven't had that many partners. But I've only really had three LTRs, and if you total them up they are over 30 years. So not a lot of opportunities there to increase the numbers.

 

I think a lot of people, especially people 30 or younger, have a good many partners from 18-23 and then slow down. That was happening a bit even when I was in college, when we used chisels and stone tablets. Myself, I got into a relationship right away that wound up lasting 20 years... So I was monogamous through my "hookup" years.

 

Like I said, there is no wrong number.

 

Another question on that OLD site is "Do you know the name of everyone you've had sex with." I was a bit surprised at the number of people who said "no."

[todreaminblue]

Oh come on, that formula isn't that tough -- no trig required!

 

Mine's easy: 51/2 = 26.5 The answer for me is, no, I haven't had that many partners. But I've only really had three LTRs, and if you total them up they are over 30 years. So not a lot of opportunities there to increase the numbers.

 

I think a lot of people, especially people 30 or younger, have a good many partners from 18-23 and then slow down. That was happening a bit even when I was in college, when we used chisels and stone tablets. Myself, I got into a relationship right away that wound up lasting 20 years... So I was monogamous through my "hookup" years.

 

Like I said, there is no wrong number.

 

 

 

 

Another question on that OLD site is "Do you know the name of everyone you've had sex with." I was a bit surprised at the number of people who said "no."

 

 

 

double digits are pretty easy to do in your head arent they, i agree with you...silly me so simple...........deb......

[jbelle6]

I'm having a hard time deciding, if I really want to stay with this women. It sounds horrible, but I have my reasons.

 

She's a great lady, personality, looks, she's got it all. I can see a future with her honestly.

 

The thing is. One day we went out to a party. Let's say around 4 parties. Well we finally go back to our room. She starts balling and starts telling me all the guys she screwed. It was very uncalled for. The worst part was I shook hands with 3 of the guys. That kind of strikes my pride as a man.

 

Her past really disturbs me. She slept with a lot of guys i'm sure because she admitted, but I didn't ask her how many because I don't want to know. She also one time mention how some guy was really good in bed. Once again strikes my pride.

 

We've been going out for 8 months.

 

This happen about 4 months ago and i'm still thinking about it. It bothers the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do.

 

I look at the right things she does more than the wrong, but for some odd reason something will trigger my memory and all I remember is how I met the guys she screwed and the guy who was so "good" in bed.

 

She says i'm the best she's had. I believe her, but than again I am her boyfriend.

 

It bothers me because I just felt like she really didn't cherish sex. I believe sex should be cherish. She said she does, but let's be serious now. If you went out and screwed a lot of guys you obviously didn't cherish it. Not to mention she tried screwing me within a month. I wanted to wait. She values things differently as me.

 

She went to college and experienced that part of life. Parties, one night stands, blacked out nights.

I joined the Military out of high school and pretty much my youth was sacrificed, so I never lived that life. As much as I want to explore. I don't think it's necessary as I got bigger things to worry about, such as my life.

 

I'm seeking personal opinions and advice. More of "What would you do"

 

 

 

 

 

Really don't get the defense of this woman, people can be anti slut shaming all they want but this is gross.

 

I don't tell my new guy about this awesome big d!ck I had and how awesome it was. COME ON!!!

 

I do not blame you for being turned off one bit, I wouldn't feel very special if a man I was with told me how awesome someone else was and if he introduced me to a bunch of old sex partners.

[Leigh 87]

I would break it off with her for the things she has said to you. First, she shouldn't be pointing out guys to you and saying, "I banged that guy, that guy, and that guy." That's not only disrespectful to you, but it shows a distinct lack of class. She shouldn't be telling you how an ex of hers was good in bed. That shows she is still thinking about this guy, when she should be thinking about you.

 

There have been studies that show that each time you have sex with a person, a bond forms with them. The ability to form that bond works like a piece of tape. Notice how tape is really sticky the first time you stick it to something, but it loses a bit of stickiness each time you remove it? That's supposedly how humans work too. We form a bond with a person we have sex with, but each time we move on and have sex with another person, the ability to form a bond diminishes a little. This is why our first is usually very special to us.

 

I think that your ideas about sex and her ideas differ to the point where you're incompatible. Let her date a guy who points out all the chicks he's slept with.

 

 

You don' know that this is true for every woman who has slept around.

 

I slept around for 1 year of my life. The 8 other yyears of me being sexually active I only slept with mem who I was in a loving relationship with.

 

I STILL Bonded VERY strongly with my current boyfriend. I went through a smitten phase but it is not reflective of how I view sex; I hated sleeping with the men who I wasn't in love with. I did it because I was damaged, not because I enjoyed sleeping casually with men.

 

You really have to stop speaking on behalf of all women who have slept around!

 

I have NO lessened ability to bond with men I am in love with via sex; I talk about sex with my low count friends and we all share the same views on sex and I life anything, I tend to bond more as it stands with men I slept with. I didn't at the timeof the ccasual sex but afterI do tend to bond to the men I DO love very strongly ccompared to me sexually less adventurous mates.

[Leigh 87]

Not everyone is the same. The studies I spoke about earlier are just studies. I happen to believe them to be true, but as is the case with most things, it doesn't apply to everyone.

 

One thing that stood out to me about your post is that you mention you were damaged when you slept around. By the way, I think a lot of people have one year where they sleep around. The fact that you admit you were damaged at the time is very telling. Another reason why I suggest people avoid dating someone who sleeps around. This goes both ways. I don't think women should date men who sleep around either.

 

 

 

But I sought professional help because sleeping with men that I wasn't I love with was harming me immensely.

 

I hated casual sex. It was outside my usual character to so.

 

I am currently dating a man wwho also abhores casual sex. He's had half as many partners as i have. However, he believes that I am the sort of woman who values sex and doesn't enjoy sleeping around casually. He can just see it in me.

[umirano]

I could just be her personality. I have known a few girls who just say whatever they are thinking and they can come off as funny, rude or a bitch because of it. But I don't think it really makes them a bad person, in some ways its actually great to have a girl who is really upfront like that, you don't need to waste your time trying to figure out what she's thinking, But I can understand that their brutal honesty can sting at times and it makes them seem callous and inconsiderate.

Good theory, but I can't confirm it. The girls in my dating experience who conform to the "upfront" pattern still at times conveniently were very difficult to figure out. So I'm leaning towards the "bitch with issues"-hypothesis. Telling your 8 months BF how good the sex was with one of the guys you just introduced to him... I don't know, it doesn't look like she has any concept of self worth (as a lover) in a man. OR she gets a kick out of it, which should be slightly alarming for most people.

 

I think it would do you well to stop comparing yourself with the girl and her previous lovers and just be happy with the fact that she is with you now, while she could have chosen to be with someone else instead, obviously the girl thins you are a catch.

I'm going to kill the party mood again here. If she is in fact damaged, her ending up with you is not surprising at all. It's a logical consequence of your predecessors pulling the trigger on her.

 

OP, I really don't know into which category your girl falls. I think both sides have made good arguments. 8 months isn't nothing. Yet the way she brings up the subject is a little disturbing.

If I were you I'd point blank ask her why she felt she needed to rub it in your face how good this guy supposedly was.

 

PS: Just one single open question. Don't follow up with anything (if she's taken aback), as it gives her the opportunity to dodge the one and only interesting question.

[giblesp]

I've been in this situation twice, had GFs with many partners and I'd encounter them at parties. Its difficult for sure.

 

It also sounds like the jealousy you're experiencing comes from the fact that you didn't party like that also.

You've got to deciede if you want a GF with a similar past as you, want to be single so you can 'get it out of your system,' or love and accept the woman you have now.

 

If its the last point, then just leave the past behind. Don't talk about it, discipline your mind not to think about it, and bear in mind that she's now feeling guilty about her past, and nothing messes up a woman worse than sexual guilt.

 

You're going to have to leave the past behind in order for your relationship to survive. Take a military decision on it and stick to your guns.

[giblesp]

I had a lot of one one night stands and casual sex.

 

I never enjoyed it though and I only had sex outside of a relationship because i was damaged.

 

Now that I have received professional help and aged a little, I can only have sex inside loving relationships and I hate sex in a casual manner. I am as did and now the thought of sex with a man who isn't in love with me makes me sick.

 

Just because she had a high number that doesn't mean she still values sex less than you. People can change. I have. I value sex and cherish it just as much as a person with a low number pof sexual partners

 

 

My past didn't dictate how i view sex now. I value and cherish sex the same way as my friends who have a very low number of sexual partners.

 

Yeah, sex without love is like going to the restaurant and not eating. That's how it used to feel for me and why I didn't continue with it.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I've been in this situation twice, had GFs with many partners and I'd encounter them at parties. Its difficult for sure.

 

It can be... but I guess long ago I decided that what happened before I came along wasn't really a factor. For instance, before she met me, my late wife dated a guy for years, and they even talked about getting married. Today I'm very close friends with that guy. It's never really been awkward. For me, at least.

 

Now it would be different if this guy had been a casual hookup with her, I guess. Somehow them being in a LTR makes it different, but I'm not exactly sure why.

 

It also sounds like the jealousy you're experiencing comes from the fact that you didn't party like that also.

 

I had the same thought. It's not the partners per se, but the lifestyle and how enjoyable it appears from the outside. The OP never had that opportunity.

[oldshirt]

I'm having a hard time deciding, if I really want to stay with this women.

 

 

(coming from a guy who's been married for 18 1/2 years - when you find "the one" you don't have a hard time deciding at all. It's the easiest decision ever made. )

 

 

 

 

 

 

It sounds horrible, but I have my reasons.

 

 

Your reasons are your reasons. Others don't need to agree with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. Well we finally go back to our room. She starts balling and starts telling me all the guys she screwed. It was very uncalled for.

 

 

You are correct, that is uncalled for. That sounds kinda nutty in fact. To tell you the truth, I'd be more comfortable with a gal who screwed 50 guys and was perfectly ok with it and comfortable with it, than a gal who screwed 5 guys and would get drunk and bawl about it. someone who is wracked with guilt and shame and personal demons, is probably going to have more issues and dysfunctions and problems that someone who has screwed a few more people but is well adjusted about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The worst part was I shook hands with 3 of the guys.

 

 

I kind of agree with an earlier poster in that it is just kind of crass and boarish to get home and say, "oh you remember Tom, Dick and Harry from the party?" Yeah, I banged 'em"

 

 

Her past really disturbs me. She slept with a lot of guys i'm sure because she admitted, but I didn't ask her how many because I don't want to know.

 

 

Good. I'll give you ten points right there for not asking. Take this advice to heart and follow it to the grave, NEVER have the numbers talk with anyone and never ask their number and never tell your's. it will only cause damage and issues. If someone says one number too low, they are looked at as a fake or loser or that something is wrong with them. If they say one number too high, they are looked at as slutty and indescrimate and can't control themselves.

IMHO you were kind of $h!t on here. She really didn't have any right or any reason to lay this on you. You didn't ask and you didn't bring it up. She burdened you with this to get it off of her chest because she feels slutty. So instead of just dealing with her own baggage in a healthy manner, she plopped it in your lap so now you have to carry the burden.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She also one time mention how some guy was really good in bed. Once again strikes my pride.

 

 

 

Now she's just being a jerk. Look up the term "Alpha Widow." That is likely what you are dealing with here.

She laid that one on you as a challenge to step up to the plate and nail her as well as Gunther did in the hot tub at the ski chalet.

 

 

 

We've been going out for 8 months.

 

 

you probably won't make it to 10. ....just say'n.

 

This happen about 4 months ago and i'm still thinking about it. It bothers the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah you do know. you just don't like it.

 

 

 

I look at the right things she does more than the wrong,

 

 

Noone's saying she's a child molester or kicks puppys or pushes old ladies over in the street. She's probably a great person. She just may not be the one for you.

 

 

 

 

but for some odd reason something will trigger my memory and all I remember is how I met the guys she screwed and the guy who was so "good" in bed.

 

 

It was real nice of her to burden you with that for no valid reason wasn't it?

 

She says i'm the best she's had. I believe her, but than again I am her boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, she kinda has to say that to keep you leaving after wiping your d!ck off like Gunther did.

Again, look up the term "Alpha Widow."

 

 

 

It bothers me because I just felt like she really didn't cherish sex. I believe sex should be cherish. She said she does, but let's be serious now. If you went out and screwed a lot of guys you obviously didn't cherish it.

 

 

In her defense, you really don't have the right to determine what she does or does not cherish nor do you have the right to say she doesn't value something because she behaves differently about it than you do.

 

 

 

 

She values things differently as me.

 

 

 

 

OK this right here is the true crux of the matter and this right here is really all that needs to be said. Everything else is just fluff and filler and background and details. If you feel in your heart of hearts that you and she have different values on important topics (and sexuality is a hugely important topic) then you know what you gotta do.

Whether some gal screwed 5 guys or 6 guys or 50 guys, really doesn't matter.

But if you have differing values, mores, attitudes and beliefs is monumentally important.

The fact that you have lost so much respect and admiration and reverence for her over this is also very telling. She has the right to be with someone that respects and honors her and thinks she is the cat's @$$ and that person is not you.

 

She went to college and experienced that part of life. Parties, one night stands, blacked out nights.

I joined the Military out of high school and pretty much my youth was sacrificed, so I never lived that life. As much as I want to explore. I don't think it's necessary as I got bigger things to worry about, such as my life.

 

 

 

 

....more fluff and filler in regards to differing values and life goals.

 

I'm seeking personal opinions and advice. More of "What would you do"

 

 

What I/we would do doesn't mean squat. We don't have to wake up to this gal every day.

What's important is that you spend out your days with someone you can respect and admire and cherish and look up to blah blah blah.

It's OK to bang the campus hussy. and it's even OK to have some warm feelings for her and to appreciate some of her other good traits and characteristics. But if you are marriage and family-minded, you need to have that person be someone that you don't question your own feelings and motives and that you don't have any hesitation or reservation when taking the vows and signing on the dotted line. If you are going to be a husband and father you need to hold your partner in the esteem that you would run into a burning building or jump in front of a bullet for her.

The person you jump in front of a bullet for is different than the one I'd jump in front of a bullet for and vice versa.

 

 

My responses to your specific points are above.

 

 

My final words here are about the role of dating in our lives.

 

 

Dating is an interview and try-out process where we spend time with someone and do a variety of things with them to get to know them and for them to get to know us, to determine if that is the person we want to marry and raise a family with.

 

 

The commitment begins with an accepted marriage proposal and a date for the wedding set. Until then, both parties are not only allowed to, but actually obligated to end the interview and try-out process if and when it is determined that that person is not 'the one' that they wish to legally, socially and spiritually commit themselves to and raise children with.

 

 

ending the dating relationship does not mean that the other person is bad or that they aren't worthy of someone loving them or marrying them and it doesn't mean that they would make a bad spouse or parent.

 

 

It means that there is something about them or something important to you that is lacking that causes you to seriously and legitimately question whether you can make that commitment in good faith.

 

 

Both of you deserve to be in a marriage where there are shared values and mores and both people are solidly committed without serious reservations. That may not be with each other in this case.