PinkDotsXOXO Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Hey all, thanks in advance for your help! My ex of 7.5 years broke up with me April of last year. I was heartbroken and it was not the nicest of breakups. We still hung out and went on a vacation together after the breakup until about last summer when he decided to start dating his sister’s ex friend who is now his girlfriend (his family does not particularly like her for a number of reasons but puts up with his decision). I have remained close with his entire family and I talk with them often. Him and I stopped talking for a long while but then began talking and texting. At first, this was just through text, which progressed to phone calls. We both take turns calling and texting one another. His girlfriend found out he was talking to me and screamed at him so he’s kept it a secret. I bumped into him accidentally at the casino the other day while he was with his girlfriend. He smiled and waved at me and looked VERY happy to see me. She gave me a dirty look. He called to tell me that she was mad that he looked so happy and waved to me and he informed me that she wants to punch me in the face and she screamed at him for 2 days straight. Not too long ago, he told me he sometimes misses me and it was nice to see me again. My grandmother recently passed away and he knew how close I was to her and when we were together he was close to her too. Since that happened, he’s been calling and texting more and has now asked to see me on Sunday and go out for a drink. (Of course he isn’t telling his girlfriend). I haven’t seen him since that time I accidentally saw him at the casino but the last time I actually had PLANS to see him was months and months ago. I know that if he wanted to be with me he would but, his girlfriend controls his life and I know he hates people butting into his business. If I play my cards right, is there any chance I can help him to see the light and not be with her? I of course would want to work things out with him but it’s more than that. I really want to see him happy with someone who deserves him… even if it isn’t me. I just don’t know what to do.
Mrin Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 No offense but this kinda has bad idea written all over it. So I think we can safely assume the following can and probably will occur if you keep moving forward in this direction. 1. Things will only get worse with his GF 2. You will open up old wounds and become emotionally attached 3. The two of you will have an emotional affair - if you're not already having one 4. You will probably have a physical affair 5. It will get real messy with the GF and probably the rest of the family What we know won't happen 1. He won't resolve his GF problem. You will be enabling him to carry on with the status quo 2. You and he won't get back together. Sure, later on. But first you have to have your Jerry Springer moment 3. Your standing in his family's mind won't improve 4. You won't be happier than you are now. You will be pulled through an emotional wringer and come out the other side worse for wear. Look. I'm not telling you not to talk to the guy - exclusively as a friend - but don't go down this road of "little bit pregnant". You will only make matters worse and end up resenting yourself for it. Maybe you guys will reconcile. But make it clear to him that if he wants to go down this path he needs to get his **** together first.
Mrin Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Addendum: this site is full of people throwing absolutely **** fits about the BF or GF continuing to talk to an ex. That's talking. Or texting. The general consensus is that if one party voices their displeasure, they other party should cut contact. I mean maybe you've even voiced that same opinion. I am progressive and think that people can have above board relationships with exes. But where I do draw the line is a clandestine face to face meeting.
michellew Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 This guy sounds like bad news. I don't know why you are settling for his breadcrumbs as he keeps you on the backburner. If you really want him to see the light, you should cut him off completely and show him you are worth more than the affair this is headed towards. The only thing you are showing him now is that he can have his cake and eat it too.
KatZee Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Nope. The only thing you will be doing is solidifying THEIR relationship. Yep. You heard me. THEIR relationship. Not yours and his. He gets to have his nice new shiny girlfriend, all while having you as his "friend." The girl who is so familiar and comfortable to him. It actually boosts his ego to know that you're still his friend, willing to get together, etc. In his eyes, now he's not such a bad person. He must be pretty cool if you want to be in his life even though he has a new girlfriend... right? I'll tell you a little story about the time a guy dumped his girlfriend of 6 years to be with a different girl. That girl was me. I met a guy and didn't know he was in a relationship. We were friends for a few months and I come to find out he dumped his gf of many years to be with me. At that point I was caught up. But as time went on I realized they were still in contact. He was hiding it from me. I acted like your ex's new girlfriend. I was livid. What was the point of them having contact? He was with me now and it wasn't right. Well we stayed together for almost three years. I found out he cheated on me with his ex. The way things are going for you guys, I'm sure he'd cheat on his new girlfriend too. But don't take this as hope he wants you back. He cheated on me with his ex and then told her he didn't want her back at all. That he was with me and was staying with me. He toyed with her for months. Leading her on. Sleeping with her. I found out that she actually hung around as long as she did because she thought he was going to dump me and go back to her. He never did. Guys that behave this way aren't good people. He only misses you "sometimes." That's what you want to go back to? Someone who treats you like you're a dirty secret and only has fleeting feelings of missing you?
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