Emergency contact for AP??

[solostand]

Funny I just had this conversation with MM yesterday. I told him how horrible it would be for me to read about his death in the obituaries, what a slap that would feel. He promised to tell someone to call me. He also said my name would be the last name on his lips on his deathbed.

 

Funny thing is, he had a close call last fall. Long story, but he came down with blood poisoning. He phoned me as he was actually collapsing on the floor to say he loved me and to pray for him. Of course an ambulance was called and he was admitted to hospital, where I secretly visited him every day. I was amazed that he called me while he was, for all intents and purposes, dying.

 

One other time he went missing from my life for about two days and I was frantic, and I realized he had been complaining about stomach pains the days before, so I phoned the hospital and they said he was there. I arrived and he was thrilled that I had found him. He was trying to figure out a way to reach me. He was pretty well confined to bed.

 

What I often think about is if everything goes as planned, and I am informed, do I go to the wake? This community is very big on wakes, but I would have to shake his wife and children's hands and look them in the eye. She is already suspicious of me anyway but I am not the kind of person who can coolly contain my emotions so it would be obvious that was probably more distraught than the occassion called for (an acquaintance). But I could not imagine not going and he has told me he is damned well coming to mine.

[bentleychic]

What I often think about is if everything goes as planned, and I am informed, do I go to the wake? This community is very big on wakes, but I would have to shake his wife and children's hands and look them in the eye. She is already suspicious of me anyway but I am not the kind of person who can coolly contain my emotions so it would be obvious that was probably more distraught than the occassion called for (an acquaintance). But I could not imagine not going and he has told me he is damned well coming to mine.

 

I've wondered this, too. MM says absolutely he wants me to go to his wake, as he would to mine. And I would want to, BUT the wake/funeral is really for the living rather than the dead and I don't think I could do it. Especially since she does know who I am so it's not like I could go and appear as a casual acquaintance.

 

Hard to think about.

[Got it]

He had friends who know of us so if anything would have happened I would have been told. There were a few ways that I would have been contacted.

[MissBee]

There's another thread running that made me think of this scenario.

 

If your AP has an emergency, say he/she got involved in an accident, or got hospitalized, and has no access to a phone or computer (in coma, broken bones, head injury, etc) how are you, as the OW/OM supposed to get this info? Is there anyone who will contact you or someone you can call?

 

What if its sudden death?

 

This was one of my fears in the A and one reason I realized I could not ever again be in a secret A where I was not known by my SO's friends and family (although I was known of by his friends and they all knew his legitimate SO but most cheated on their own wives and gfs too so didn't care) and therefore would not be in the know should something like any of the above occur.

 

That was a HUGE concern for me and my exAP tried to give me comfort by designating a friend of his to be my contact person should anything happen. This did nothing to comfort me though, just made things feel even more contrived and just plain clear that this relationship was requiring too much contortion...as even if this person told me, I still had no legitimate place in his life and wasn't known by his family, child etc so still would NEVER get the same access, space to grieve, ask questions and just comfortably and legitimately be there to support him as his legitimate SO would.

 

So yea...that was one of the main points of discomfort for me that made me dissatisfied with the A. With my current bf his parents know I'm his gf, his brother knows, his friends know etc. so should anything happen I'd know about it and should I show up at a hospital no one would be confused, unwelcoming neither would I have to go under any guise or share the space with another woman and I can feel a lot more secure in our relationship knowing this.

Edited June 15, 2014 by MissBee

[joanofark]

my mm was a pilot, so i'd find out one way or another. i do know plenty of his friends and who to ask if nc was long enough to be concerned. This was actually a big reason i ended it. He had a dr appt and would not specify why until he had his results. To me that was no bueno.

[still_an_Angel]

Very well said, speakingofwhich.

 

I too understand the feelings of OP and why she is concerned about this topic. Caring about people who are in our lives or who have been in our lives is what makes us human - compassionate, loving people. Even though my A is over and was very hurtful, I can understand - and remember - that fear.

 

OP, it is a very good topic and one that many people are concerned with.

 

Thank you Hope, thinking about this has opened my eyes to the stark reality of my being a secret in MM's life, my non-existence really.. and its crushing.

[still_an_Angel]

Funny I just had this conversation with MM yesterday. I told him how horrible it would be for me to read about his death in the obituaries, what a slap that would feel. He promised to tell someone to call me. He also said my name would be the last name on his lips on his deathbed.

 

Funny thing is, he had a close call last fall. Long story, but he came down with blood poisoning. He phoned me as he was actually collapsing on the floor to say he loved me and to pray for him. Of course an ambulance was called and he was admitted to hospital, where I secretly visited him every day. I was amazed that he called me while he was, for all intents and purposes, dying.

 

One other time he went missing from my life for about two days and I was frantic, and I realized he had been complaining about stomach pains the days before, so I phoned the hospital and they said he was there. I arrived and he was thrilled that I had found him. He was trying to figure out a way to reach me. He was pretty well confined to bed.

 

What I often think about is if everything goes as planned, and I am informed, do I go to the wake? This community is very big on wakes, but I would have to shake his wife and children's hands and look them in the eye. She is already suspicious of me anyway but I am not the kind of person who can coolly contain my emotions so it would be obvious that was probably more distraught than the occassion called for (an acquaintance). But I could not imagine not going and he has told me he is damned well coming to mine.

 

 

I've thought about this as I would not want to come face-to-face with his W and child. No one knows me so perhaps I can stay away discreetly in some corner and leave quietly when its over. Need to exercise master control of my emotions though as I cannot openly cry and possibly outdo the W in the crying department.