DesertSun Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Once again, here I am for advice. I moved in with my boyfriend in the end of January. I was previously living in my own apartment, but due to financial reasons I couldn't afford much more than a small apartment in a shooting gallery area. I had a few home invasions in my time there, and I was not happy due to that and my inability to save money, and I couldn't afford to eat every day. My life was paycheck to paycheck. I made the decision to move back to my homestate of PA (I am now in AZ) and try to recover my life a bit. When my boyfriend heard this he got upset and begged me not to move by offering me to move in with him. I love him so much that I can't find words to say and it was something I thought could be worth the risk because I did not want to leave him for the other side of the country. We kind of said, nothing promised, but lets see how things go and if it works out. Last night we were talking about the future. He has not been charging me rent as he wants me to start to save money. I am cooking, cleaning, laundering and taking care of the house and yard 100%. I cater to his every household whim. I like to do these things and I also buy and prepare all groceries. It is the least I could do. He mentioned to me last night that things are great, but the situation isn't ideal. He thinks it not right that we live together but aren't married and thinks maybe towards May I should try to find my own place again. I explained to him that I felt that is not a good move being I already lived 3 years here check to check and it is not the lifestyle I want anymore, that I would feel that it would be dumb to pay 5-6 hundred dollars in rent when I spend most of my time at his place anyway. It is like money thrown away. I would rather move back home if it came down to it because of lifestyle improvements. He got upset, he thinks I am wrong in this decision. I told him that if it would be more comfortable to be in this situation married, I would marry him in a heartbeat. I love this man with my soul. He said that he loves me but he needs to do things slowly in life and I am being inconsiderate in leaving town if he oust's me. We have been dating 1 year. Fact is, I dont' want to go back to living in a high crime area, I don't want to live with a stranger, and if I am going to bust my ass to pay bills etc monthly but can't afford to eat, I would rather do it near my family, where I would get to spend more time with them. This led to an argument. He just doesn't get it. If he wants me to get my own place, I feel it is a step backwards, it feels like rejection. Our bond has been increasing with time and this just feels like it would be pushing things back. Especially in this day and age. I may be wrong but it just wouldn't seem right after he had me go through the trouble of moving in with him, which landed me in a legal battle with my previous landlord. Any thoughts? I just feel it unfair of him to request that I return to that lifestyle that is unsafe and wait for him to be as ready as I am.
Hund1976 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Maybe he is getting freaked out by you living with him. Living with someone is a big deal since it takes away people's personnel space. I agree that moving out would be a step backwards. And if you are going to be hanging out at his place most of the time it is kind of silly to pay rent just to have a place to go back to when he needs some personnel time. I would tell him that you want to stay here with him but you can't afford your own place and will have to move back to Pennsylvania. Then see what he says from there.
hongkongchick Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 so why dont you find out EXACTLY why he feels the need for you to move out. a friend of mine did that (she didnt have financial problems though). she never knew why he wanted her to move out either, of course everyone else knew why, he needed space to do his own "things" like looking at porn at night, chatting with girls online...etc. but she didnt want to believe. so maybe you really should find out the reason behind. if he really is freaked out about you being there 24/7, maybe it would be wise to move back home because if you continue to be there, and he does feel good about it, it will turn into a huge mess later on. and if it really is the issue, u can maybe think of some ways to not in each other's faces too much, like not spend so much time at home, or whatever you two can think of. you guys have only been going out for a year, that's probably not quite enough to be completely confortable to be living with someone.
Author DesertSun Posted February 14, 2005 Author Posted February 14, 2005 You raise some good points. I am not so sure it is the fact that I am home too much because we both are pretty busy with work etc. I usually am home after he is. But it could be that he is not ready to be open to sharing a life with someone perhaps. It really is a shame because I really am in love and it is something that I think you do not throw away if you find it. Plus if I am home and doing something, he is always right there on top of me hounding me to spend time with him or pay attention to him. Which I do.. I don't know if that is it.. If he does want me to leave, I indeed will be heading back to PA. I am not going to subject myself to a hard lifestyle like that again. It wasn't mentally healthy for me. Also, he said he'd still want me to spend a lot of time there if I moved out which i think is b.s. I would be so hurt he sent me away I wouldn't want to. It would only be painful. I hope that maybe it is just still the shock of adjustment in his mind. He has never lived with a woman before and I am sure it isn't an easy adjustment. I just would be so extremely hurt if it ends this way. I think I am making life so easy for him by being there. He never ate well due to lack of caring. He never did anything, he now has a clean home and dinner on the table every night. He even remarked to me how happy he was the house looked great and the food was unbelievable. I just don't understand. Also, if he wants to get married, I am open to it. So I dont' see that being valid. I would never push or ask him to marry me, but if he felt it would make our being together valid, why not? Ugh,I just fear I am going to be sent into a heartbreak. And it seems for such trivial reasons. He is wonderful otherwise and we are so so good together. Almost never fight, usually give our space, he goes out and I don't mind, I go out he doesn't mind etc. It seemed like it was ideal to me.
hongkongchick Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 it doesnt sound like you are home way too much since both of you work and are pretty busy. so it probably has something to do with him thinking living together=being married. i dont know for sure, and you should find that out pretty quickly. do you think he is the type of person who is against living together? or maybe he is the type that is afraid of committment, he might not seem to be since he is in a relationship with you, but he might be one of those who likes to wait and take things slow. so him asking you to move in was merely to help you out, but when he thought about it deep down, he was afraid??? well let's not make any more assumptions because i dont know him or you, so i cannot make things up. so now it's up to you to find out why. either way, it's good to find out
Author DesertSun Posted February 14, 2005 Author Posted February 14, 2005 I have to try to talk to him but everytime that I do he just gets annoyed and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it right then. Last night I tried and he just got frustrated that I would want to leave rather than get my own place here again. Thing is it isn't that I would rather leave, it is just that I would rather not live the way I have been living because it is miserable and unsafe. If he is just trying to help me out, it would be odd he wants to cap a 3 month time on it and that he doesn't understand how hurtful it is to bring someone in and then send them out again telling them no valid reason. It would really sour me to the relationship. His help if that is what it is would ultimately just send this into pain, rejection and injure the relationship because I feel it would be him pushing me away. Especially if he thinks I should just move back into a slum and spend my time at his house, throwing my money away on rent. It just isn't logical if you think of it that way.
hongkongchick Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 it is hurtful to take away something like a confortable home from you, so why dont you tell him about how you feel, without blaming him for it. he feels offended and blamed when you try to talk to him about this issue. he does not want to talk about this issue might be just a typical guy thing, they dont like talking, better yet, he might not know how to express his feelings (like many men), so maybe you need to assure him that you are only trying to understand his point of view not wanting to blame him. and all those feelings that u told me, tell him as well. he wouldnt know how you feel truly if the only way you express your feelings was yelling at him or that he feels blamed. they withdraw as soon as he feels blamed. now if he really wants to just push you away, not help you till you can get on ur own feet, or just simply freaked out about the living situation, then maybe you need to think about whether or not you need a man who is not on the same level as you. so u absolutely cannot move into an apartment somewhere no ghetto? have you really thourougly looked at every possible place? you dont have friends that u can share an apart. with? can you work more to get some extra money?
HotCaliGirl Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 I think you have to just tell him flat out like I think you have been, that you cannot afford to move into your own apartment even though that would be the ideal solution. Plus it is going to be more difficult since your landlord will not put in a good word for you. Tell him that you appreciate him taking you in temporarily but since he only wants you there for a limited time, then your only option at this time based on your income is to move back to your hometown and it has nothing to do with your feelings for him, just that you unfortunately cannot afford to live there, even in the dangerous neighborhood which he shouldn't feel ok for you to live there - alone or with a roomate - in the first place. Why is HE upset?! You're the one who should be...
hongkongchick Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 you see? (this is just me) i dont like depending on anyone, if i am not financially ok, i will turn to family before i turn to anyone, because when it comes to money, it ruins many relationships (that includes friendships), so that's why i truly believe that if you arent dying, you shouldnt need his financial help. especially if he takes me in his home and now regrets it, i will feel so hurt (oh wait, that's YOUR exact situation). and i hate having him to think that i am dependent on him. it's one that he wants to protect you and help you by lending you a hand, but it's another if he did that and then wants to take it back. i dont know if you understand my point, i dont like depending on anyone but my family, coz they are less likely to turn on me, they are more reliable, and unconditional.(at least mine is)
Author DesertSun Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 I would definitely go back home if I am ousted in a few months, no question. I exhausted all options here in trying to find a nice place to live, they are all hundreds of dollars out of my range. The financial thing is affected by gas price, bills etc. It is just too hard to get by and live in a safe area here. Thing is, I did tell him I am going to go to my hometown, and that it didn't mean that I didn't love him or anything like that. He just doesn't understand that. I think partly because he lives in a very nice house in a a great area and has more than what he needs to get by in life. I have pretty much nothing and couldn't even afford food half the time when I was in my own place (the computer I use is my work computer so I can't cut expenses, did that already) If I left, his lifestyle is the same, what he fails to see is when I was living by myself I was living in hell. He didn't see that. He stayed at my place one time and one time only. After that night, he said he would never go back into that area again because it wasn't safe. Yet he wants me to return to that life? Just isn't right. I think that for sure if he wants me out, it will ruin our relationship, it will pretty much end it as I can't date someone 3000 miles away. I just won't do it. Especially if they turned me away like he was saying he might do. That would just be too painful. I agree that it is best not to rely on friends or a man, but when I did originally start to pack to return to PA, he is the one that stopped me and had me move in with him because he did not want to lose me. I did not want to end it either, so I agreed hoping that maybe that was the right thing to do. This really isn't something I would normally do either. I took the risk hoping that maybe it would work out. Yesterday, for Valentines day he got some wonderful gifts for me, flowers etc and took me out to dinner. We have a trip planned in April together that he got for us for christmas, he asked if I was excited about it and I told him yes and no. Yes because it would be wonderful, and no because that meant that I had one month to figure out what to do because that would put me near to May. I also mentioned that I could never go back to living the way that I did here for any reason. It was unhealthy and unsafe. I brought up that he wouldn't come by because he didn't like where I lived, and how I was only eating once a day due to funds. How much it scared me to think that I would be in a situation with someone who is willing to put me back there, but still wanted my time and love. He seemed to get it but I am not sure it changed anything. It is tearing me up inside to live in such insecurity of what is and what isn't. I know in my heart when the time comes that I will be going to PA if he ousts me but also, I wonder with every hug or every kiss if there are only a couple months left of it. It sucks to feel this way with someone that you love. This man is so special to me and I hold him in such high reguard. I love him not only with my heart but my soul. It will suck if this is the end.
Hund1976 Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 You could give him a date that he has to decide by. Tell him if you're moving back to Pennsylvania you would like to know a few months in advance so you can start looking for jobs there and stuff like that. If he lets you go then I guess the best thing for you is to move back to PA then. Hopefully if he is really faced with the prospect of losing you he will decide to let you stay with him.
Author DesertSun Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 I know as the time is going by that I am there, I need to do something to bring this up again and to figure out what is going on. It is hard to be in a position where you just don't even know what is going to happen. I was thinking to wait a few weeks though to bring it up again, probably pathetically, my hope is that as some time goes by maybe he will see it isn't such a bad arrangement after all. Maybe he is just needing time to let what I said the other night sink in. I just need him to understand that I mean it 100% when I say I am heading out of state if I am ousted. I honestly pray that something happens to make him see the light of what I said to him. It would really be a shame if it comes to a close on such a weird note. Being that I am open to making things more comfortable for him by either getting engaged or marrying him, but he seems to think that is not the right time for it, I can't do much more to make things what he wants them to be. Although I will leave if it goes that way, I honestly can say it will be one of the most painful heartbreaks I will probably ever feel as I never really loved someone as much as I do him. I just have to trust that everything happens for a reason and no matter what, the right thing will happen.
hongkongchick Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 you are exactly right, i think you need to give him some time to think it through. you have given him alot to think about. honestly, i think that getting engaged or married isnt a "solution" to your problems, so i see his point that he doesnt think it's the right time for it. men would do just about anything to get the woman stay by their side, even just a for a little while. an ex of mine asked me to move in with him, offered to buy me a car and all that, he just didnt want to lose me, but the fact was that it was not the time for us to move forward, and our relationship just wasnt one that i was hoping for. so that was it, we broke up, but in the end, i am happier. so give it a little time, if he is still indecisive, then YOU need to make a choice!
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