BelCanta Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I am wondering if it is possible to be okay with a sexless marriage and If there are any couples out there who are making it work with sex once or twice a year and have come to grips with it, or couples who have successfully fixed their sexless marriages. My situation: We are in our 50s and have been married for 14 years. Sex diminished about five or six (maybe more) years ago to once or twice a year, and then usually only when we went on vacation. Now even that has stopped. I love my H and want to be with him, but I also feel like I'd like to be in relationship that's more physically (and yes, emotionally) intimate. I try to initiate but he "doesn't get the message"--I have tried to talk to him about about it (and he knows it makes me feel resentful), but he literally leaves the room. He cannot talk about sex at all. He says the more we talk about it, the more difficult it will get. He does not initiate, although sometimes I feel him kind of grabbing at me in the middle of the night. I sleep so heavily I'm not sure what's going on, and I don't often respond in time to encourage him (also not very seductive, to be honest, but if this is his way of seducing me, I'll take it). I'd like to know if any of you have come to peace with sexless relationships, and how you did that. Or, if you have "fixed" your marriages. I feel like we are well matched in many ways--I love him, and I find him attractive. But I'm feeling an incredible sense of sadness around this part of my marriage.
redtail Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 It really does not matter if someone else has some how come to terms with a sexless marriage, if you can not. I personally would not be in a sexless marriage and I really don't care if someone else would and neither should you. My wife and I are in our 50's and so sex after 50 is not only possible, it can be great! You need to work this out by talking and maybe a therapist if the two of you can't agree. This is a need you have, I understand, it's healthy. It's not healthy to just tough it out and assume this is just the way it is. This can build resentment quickly. 1
Author BelCanta Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 I guess I was just looking to hear others' experiences. Maybe I'm deluded in thinking I can stay in this marriage; my personal therapist seems to think it is by and large a pretty good marriage, compared to many that she sees. And that sex isn't that important in the overall scheme of things--a life partner who is supportive and caring in most other ways. We are very independent of each other, and for the past year we've been even more so. I told H that I wanted to spend more time together, and he responded positively, so I think there may be some hope of improvement.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I'm 45 and was together with my ex for 20 years (4 years dating and 16 years married). I spent a good 8+ years of my 16 year marriage completely sexless despite all efforts to change that. I've spoken a fair bit about my marriage in different threads so I won't get into the details right now except to say that for ME, it was not an option. As much as I loved my husband and desperately wanted to remain married and keep our family together, I just couldn't live out the rest of my days never being touched again. I was and still am a very sexual and sensual woman and I was WAY too young to be "okay" with a sexless marriage. I chose to end my marriage but remain friends with my ex (after all, that's what it felt like already). It was heartbreaking but it was the right thing to do for ME. Today, I am in a wonderful relationship with a man that matches my libido as well as so many other aspects that go into making a relationship happy and fulfilling. I have no regrets. On the flip side, my parents have been married 46 years this year. My mother is Italian and was/is a gorgeous woman who STILL has men falling over themselves to be near her. Your relationship sounds very much like my parents only that they've been living sexless for more than 20 years! Again, a decision my father made without my mother's consent. The lack of intimacy wreaked havoc on their marriage. There were many times my mom threatened to leave my father but didn't because she loved him and felt like she had a good life with him overall and, well, she felt like she was too old to be single again and chasing love and sex So she settled and found a way to make peace with being in a marriage with no sex. How she does it, I'll never understand. It saddens me actually because if given half a chance to be sexual again, my mother, despite her advancing age, would jump at the chance! Not sure I was any help but there you have it. Good luck
CarrieT Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 my personal therapist seems to think it is by and large a pretty good marriage, compared to many that she sees. And that sex isn't that important in the overall scheme of things--a life partner who is supportive and caring in most other ways. It doesn't matter what your therapists thinks. It is what YOU think that is important. There are lots of people here who are in sexless marriages; some who have left and others who are trying to stay, all for various reasons. At one point in my life I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship, the latter 18 months of which were sexless. It was the ending of *that* relationship that brought me to LS all those years ago and helped me see that there was much more to life than trying to work on a relationship that had no intimacy. (For the record, I was in my late 40s at the time). Now, eight years later (I am now 50), I have found someone else and we got married. The point is: It is never too late to find "the whole package" although leaving your marriage at this point must be a difficult decision to make - if you chose to make it. If your husband is not willing to go to therapy and help the situation, only you can decide if you can live the rest of your life without sex. Personally, I could not do it.
alwayshere Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 And that sex isn't that important in the overall scheme of things This is one of my pet peeves, and I think it is dead wrong. 1
lucy_in_disguise Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) I sometimes wonder if it's a cultural thing to have the expectation of continuing sexual connectedness in marriage. I know many couples (including my parents) who have been married, happily for the most part, for many years with the majority being sexless or nearly so. My mom is surprised when she hears about people her age (50s) still having sex! It is the status quo in some ways - the majority of relationships end up that way for one reason or another - and thus it is illogical in some ways to have any expectations - let alone grounds for divorce- for it to be otherwise. You don't "need" sex. It's a modern concept to believe you are entitled to it. I think it's true what they say about the west being a highly sexualized society these days. For better or for worse. Disclaimer: I have never been married, but I highly doubt I'd be able to settle for a sexless relationship. Maybe it's cause I have the luxury, thanks to modern society, not to have to. Edited June 13, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise
pteromom Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 my personal therapist seems to think it is by and large a pretty good marriage, compared to many that she sees. And that sex isn't that important in the overall scheme of things--a life partner who is supportive and caring in most other ways. Your therapist doesn't have a right to tell you what your priorities are or what is important to you. Whether or not it is a "pretty good marriage" or not, you have the right to determine what makes you happy and what you need in your own life. I question a therapist who discounts someone's feelings like that, and would put some thought into whether your therapist is the right fit for you. A good therapist will encourage you to challenge your thinking, but won't tell you that what you are feeling is WRONG.
oldshirt Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Your therapist doesn't have a right to tell you what your priorities are or what is important to you. Whether or not it is a "pretty good marriage" or not, you have the right to determine what makes you happy and what you need in your own life. I question a therapist who discounts someone's feelings like that, and would put some thought into whether your therapist is the right fit for you. A good therapist will encourage you to challenge your thinking, but won't tell you that what you are feeling is WRONG. I agree. If she continues to have that kind of attitude, you may want to consider a different therapist. Keep in mind therapists often deal with people trying to kill each with kitchen knives and dealing with spouses who are crazy or evil or child molesters etc. Two normal people who fundamentally get along and are functional human beings but just are lighting each other's fires in the bedroom, don't raise a battle-hardened therapists eyebrows very much. They are still obligated to advocate for their clients best interests though so to minimize someone's concern by telling them it's not important is not appropriate.
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Get a sex therapist, get a sex therapy book, go to marriage counseling. It is my opinion that to deprive a partner of intimacy and sex is abuse.
Realist3 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I am wondering if it is possible to be okay with a sexless marriage and If there are any couples out there who are making it work with sex once or twice a year and have come to grips with it, or couples who have successfully fixed their sexless marriages. My situation: We are in our 50s and have been married for 14 years. Sex diminished about five or six (maybe more) years ago to once or twice a year, and then usually only when we went on vacation. Now even that has stopped. I love my H and want to be with him, but I also feel like I'd like to be in relationship that's more physically (and yes, emotionally) intimate. I try to initiate but he "doesn't get the message"--I have tried to talk to him about about it (and he knows it makes me feel resentful), but he literally leaves the room. He cannot talk about sex at all. He says the more we talk about it, the more difficult it will get. He does not initiate, although sometimes I feel him kind of grabbing at me in the middle of the night. I sleep so heavily I'm not sure what's going on, and I don't often respond in time to encourage him (also not very seductive, to be honest, but if this is his way of seducing me, I'll take it). I'd like to know if any of you have come to peace with sexless relationships, and how you did that. Or, if you have "fixed" your marriages. I feel like we are well matched in many ways--I love him, and I find him attractive. But I'm feeling an incredible sense of sadness around this part of my marriage. Ask him for an open marriage. Or if you don't feel comfortable with that, find a FWB.
atreides Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 It is so great to see women with higher libidos then their husbands. In my social circles it is the exact opposite. However, we are in our late late 30's... ok fine we will be in our 40's next year. I had experienced less sex but sexless to me means no sex, when my wife years ago and we are on year 16 took anti-depressants. We worked through it but it only worked because while she did not feel like, she tried her best. I am shocked how marriages just drop to what many define as "sexless" it is tragic. OP, do not settle, it will eat you alive, your drive to experience romance and intimacy coupled with emotional reciprocity is essential. You need to make the rubber meet the road and demand your H talk about why or go together to therapy or threaten separation, whatever you do, do not live in limbo, it is completely unfair to you.
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) i could live in a sexless marriage but part of me woudl die......i dont particularly want that to happen i would not have fullness in my life.....the human experience would be dull and lack lustre...lives lived should never end this way......its not gods plan.......at all....in any way......to live like that... bad things happen in weak willed peopel when that is the way it is...some of that turns to criminality in some cases and un clean practices in the lack of expressions needed to stay sane and fulfilled this is my personal belief i understand and respect different ones...you dotn fidn joy in denial of what was go dgiven in the first place which is self expression in a sexual manner in a a marriage...ask the christian brothers in melbourne who are in court now....maybe they might prove thsi theoryy to be true...but they lie so yeah dont ask them fi you want truth...and f any of them read this bring it on buddies sue me for the truth,ill be an advocate for opposing your hypocrisy, i have a victim here who might be due some restitution he freakin desrves for you to apologise and have true remorse.....justice comes though you wil have your day to talk abtou what gods plan was....dicks......no i am not apologising.....deb Edited June 14, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 my personal therapist seems to think it is by and large a pretty good marriage, compared to many that she sees. And that sex isn't that important in the overall scheme of things--a life partner who is supportive and caring in most other ways. Your therapist overlooks the fact that there are partners out there who could offer you both - support and intimacy. In a good relationship, they go hand-in-hand ... Mr. Lucky 1
dichotomy Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 I guess I was just looking to hear others' experiences. Maybe I'm deluded in thinking I can stay in this marriage; my personal therapist seems to think it is by and large a pretty good marriage, compared to many that she sees. And that sex isn't that important in the overall scheme of things--a life partner who is supportive and caring in most other ways. Low sex (with stretches of no sex) marriage here. It is amazing that on sex, the range of advise you can get from therapists. For example 1) My orginal therapist - an MD Psychiatrist - told me to find a pro (escort) and this works well for many of his patients and their marriages. 2) First marriage therapist - and later my IC. Told me the same as your therapist - sex is not that big a deal and is ok if your not having it. This therapist did help me and my wife on some key other issues, really good stuff, but once I got to this statement - I stopped seeing her. 3) Current marriage therapist is also a sex therapist - she is all about both a good marriage and lots of good fun sex. We are sticking with this one. 1
giotto Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 well, when we went to counselling, I told the therapist that the main reason I was unhappy was the lack of sex... after 4 sessions, still no mention of it by the therapist... we stopped going... my wife for other reasons, but I thought: what the hell? I also did some IC and the therapist (this time a man) only said it was "a pity, because it's an important part of the marriage"... but he didn't follow up on that, ever! Not sure what to think. I stopped going because IC with him was a total waste of time...
central Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) He first needs a good physical, and should probably see a hormone specialist or endocrinologist as he may have low testosterone (T) - which is the basis for libido. Most doctors will just prescribe a T gel or patch, which may work but won't fix other hormonal imbalances that can affect energy and mood. He may also have ED, which could be from a variety of causes, including low T. Once those issues are resolved, he may show much more interest. Regardless, you can try initiating more and see what happens. My first marriage was largely sexless, and that was a major reason why I ended it. This time, sex is great and frequent, but as we're around your age, it requires more effort to make it happen regularly. Hormones are a problem for us both, but we've addressed that issue as sex is important to us, and we hope to keep active into our 70's and 80's. Edited June 14, 2014 by central 1
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 You are in your 50's, and despite many here on LS, yes sex will diminish with age. You married late and don't know if this was your first or not and whether there were kids and the usual issues..... Hate to be crass as always and you did say you find him sexy, but are you still attractive and sexy.... Sorry it is a fair question, especially once over 50.... I am very lucky that I find my spouse still sexy and yes she's over 50 and easily can pass for someone in her 30's....... How good and plentiful was sex to start? These are the usual questions. While I don't agree with your therapist, I can understand those comments being said based on the age of the person in session. So I'd if happy with all else really ask about an open marriage or find a discreet fwb.....
Author BelCanta Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thanks for all the replies. To answer your questions: Yes, I feel more attractive than I ever have and more self confident--in fact, I lost 20 pounds over the past few years (I was only marginally plumped up, which happened thanks to a bout with anti-depressants! GAH! never doing that again). I am in the best shape of my life; I'm highly active, ride horses, do farm work, work out, have a great business. Our sex life was pretty good for the first, five, maybe six years. He put on weight. I think he's self conscious about that, even though he is far from fat and I still find him attractive (and I've told him so). Yes, he got some Cialis (a few years ago). He said it made his legs twitchy. He hasn't been to a doctor since then, and won't go (he hasn't had a physical in about five years). I do think I need to probably find a different therapist for this issue--mine is recently widowed and I wonder if that contributes to her "stay together at all costs" take on my marriage. I will suggest that we go to counseling. I don't know if it will help, because he isn't great about talking. As I've been thinking about it, it occurs to me that my H is shutting me out in a lot of ways. Right now he is away (he always goes away for a month in June--I can't leave my business during this time) and he's going to concerts and festivals and enjoying himself, without me. We never do much of this at home (although we used to), despite my asking him almost every weekend to do something together. Every couple of weeks we'll go out for dinner, and every six months we might go to a movie. He doesn't want to spend time with my friends (he's shy and introverted), and rarely invites me along with his friends. He doesn't have a cell phone, so when he's away like this I have to be at my computer at a certain time so we can skype. I'm just lonely. I thought marriage would involve more companionship and more intimacy. Maybe I'm too independent, because honestly I like to do my own thing--I would not want to be married to someone who always wants to do everything together. That said, there must be some happy medium, where we can be independent of each other and still do things together (including sex) and enjoy spending time together. Which we do, when it happens, which is getting more and more rare. He still makes me laugh, and I still find him attractive. I know I can't change him, but I do want him to be more of the man that I married. Sometimes I feel like I'm being kept at an emotional arms-length... "You stay over there." And of course, the more I try to approach these issues, the more he pulls back. I am not needy--far from it, in fact. But I am starting to try to talk to him more about issues in our marriage and it makes him really uncomfortable. Like last night, on Skype, I told him I felt sad that he was doing all these fun things by himself in the big city 2000 miles away, when we could do many of those same things in our little but culturally interesting city together. He just sighed and said, "here we go again." But he did say he would "save" some of the fun things for when I join him in a few weeks. Ultimately I think our relationship has deteriorated and he's become more and more distant. There was a brief moment when I thought he might be having an affair, because he didn't come home after work three Fridays in a row and he did not call me (see "no cell phone" above). He didn't understand why I was so angry about that. I told him because I was worried, and it was just kind of disrespectful, and to just borrow a phone from his friend and call. In this instance he did improve--the next time they went out after work he called from a friend's phone. Plus he's so shy, I don't think he'd be capable of having an affair. Too much emotional energy. It is hard to find perspective here. Is this just a "phase" of marriage, or are things going inexorably down a path that we won't be able to get back up? I feel that our sex life will probably never recover, although I'm going to try my damnedest. Maybe that will help the other issues, too. I just don't know.
tommyr Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Sex diminished about five or six (maybe more) years ago to once or twice a year, and then usually only when we went on vacation. Now even that has stopped. <snip> I try to initiate but he "doesn't get the message" Your writing above about your sexlife is entirely in passive voice. I suspect this is part of your problem because you are married to a low-desire husband. The bad news is that there may not be any real cure for his LD. The good news is since YOU have a normal sex drive then YOU are the best qualified partner to initiate sex and (unless he is not only LD but also cruel and unloving) he will play along. Have you ever tried taking an active role in your sex life? Like don't just "hint around" but actually get naked and jump on top: he will certainly get THAT message. If his gear is not always reliable, teach him to operate a Magic Wand and/or perform oral.
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