How much time with your significant other?

[chucksagent]

Presuming you live together and have no children...be it a wife/fiance/girlfriend or a husband/fiance/boyfriend...What % of your time do you think is enough "quality" time? And I realize every week is different, but what is a reasonable number?

 

For example, 168 hours in a week, so 17 hours a week together total would be 10% of your time. Is that too much, too little, just right?

 

i.e.

 

Monday: (5 Hours)

 

get ready and go to work 6am-5pm

time w/the significant other 5pm-10pm (5 hours)

Sleep - 10pm - 6am

 

Tuesday: (0 Hours)

get ready and go to work 6am-5pm

bowling with your buddies 5pm-10pm

Sleep - 10pm - 6am

 

Etc.etc.etc.

 

What do you think is neglectful? What is too much? And don't say "depends on the couple." Because what if for one person its too much and the other not enough? So my question, what is a REASONABLE range of time for all to agree on? Per week...

[d0nnivain]

I never quantified it so mathmatically.

 

If I thought we needed more time together I'd say something & plan something.

 

If wasn't that drastic, I'd make a point to entice them into bed earlier, I'd jump in the shower, whatever . . .even to squeeze in a quickie to reaffirm the connection.

[chucksagent]

What made me think about it Mathematically was my wife's co-worker made a comment to me that got me thinking...I threw a big birthday party for her and invited tons of people...but it was all family and friends. I didn't invite anyone from her work to avoid the whole "why was she invited and not me, blah blah." Not to mention, she doesn't go out or hang out with her co workers, they text occasionally, but thats the extent.

 

Well the other day I spoke with one of them and shes like "why didn't we get invited??? We see her more than you do!" Trying to be funny and let me know she'd of liked to come. But it made me think, between work and sleep, 2/3's of our life is SPOKEN FOR from the word GO. That's tragic.

 

And then the remaining 1/3, you have soooo much BS to do and family and friends to please. It seems like when you think about it, significant others often get neglected to try and please everyone else.

[Poppygoodwill]

I find the key is balance *over time*. Some weeks - between work and evening commitments to friends or classes or social engagements for work - we don't have much time together at all. But we make up for it the next week. Also, I like a fair amount of 'me' time, so sometimes that eats into our couple time. The way we get around it though is to integrate as much as possible, so that spending time with friends, or going together to work related events helps us get time together too.

 

There is no one-size fits all. But I think balance over time is the key.

[nofeelings22]

I prefer the full 168 hours.

 

Some might call that co dependent.

 

I call it love... :love::love:

[chucksagent]

Poppy - I too like me time...I like friend time...I don't need much extended family time, but immediate family is key...it's such a tough balance. But I am a believe in ACTION. So sometimes ya just have to learn how to say no and make your significant other top priority. And poppy, you nailed it about some weeks you just CANT do that. But after you have a week or two like that, then you MAKE the time the next week...I love that advice, thank you!

[todreaminblue]

i am easy once in a relationship and i am giving i encourage guy time.....its necessary.....as is womens time.......you need sopem time apart....daily contact a must a smiley face even, but daily contact imperative to ensure both of us are on track and affirming that through simple messages as a battle plan....lol..sharing a day and a few smiles hopefully more than tears..a lot can change in a day and if i were to die tomorrow the partner i am with would have heard from me yesteray before i died...not longer ....and it would stay with him because it would never be negative and he will not have regret for sending no message...i expect a response for this reason .i go in peace adn leave him with peace.......goodbyes are and can be sometimes left unsaid....i dont let this happen becuse i loathe it and i get caught up in all i didnt say...... my goodbye is in the last words i say everyones is....i dont let the sun go down on an argument...its not a soldiers way.......for a peaceful sleep at any rate...and it hurts my heart to leave it as such....so as i said i am pretty easy and adaptable bar daily contact....deb

[MissBee]

What do you think is neglectful? What is too much? And don't say "depends on the couple." Because what if for one person its too much and the other not enough? So my question, what is a REASONABLE range of time for all to agree on? Per week...

 

Ughh the bold is exactly the point...as a couple you negotiate your personal needs. There isn't any general idea of reasonable out there that "all" can agree on, sorry. It's what YOUR SO and YOU find reasonable for yourselves. If you have different ideas, as it sometimes is in relationships, then you work them out together and come to some middle ground that makes you both satisfied but there is no mathematical equation you can tally based on an internet survey that will be reasonable to everyone. A relationship is a personal thing not a one size fits all...beyond certain general common sense things, relationships are completely unique and each party creates the relationship and if both people in it are happy with the parameters they've set then that's what counts. The relationship I have with my current bf is different than with another bf and so on because he's different and different things need to be negotiated and we mesh together differently and there is no formula I can carry over that would work with every relationship. With a new man comes new sexual needs, time needs, etc and all have to be renegotiated and dealt with and worked out in a way that suits me and him.

 

I don't live with my bf and my time needs would be different/adjusted if I did. Since we do not live together we have to make it a point to spend time together. For me, seeing him 2-3 times per week is the minimum at this point in our relationship that makes me feel comfortable...any less as an ongoing trend and I'd feel neglected. I also don't calculate hours spent. I need to see him 2-3 times a week and at least one needs to be an overnight situation. I'm currently away doing research in another country and will be gone until August so for now we're long distance and we "spend time together" by messaging daily, phone calls and making space to video chat at least once a week.

 

But depending on the week, what's going on etc, time needs can change and point is, if he or I become uncomfortable with the amount of time, we need to speak up so that we can adjust it. If I had coworkers who thought we didn't spend enough time together though...ughhh that wouldn't matter to me if I am satisfied with things and so is he, and frankly I can't fathom coworkers making such a comment as it's rude and not really their place to make a "joke" like that.

Edited June 15, 2014 by MissBee

[chucksagent]

Missbee - I agree. But what the co-workers said is true of all of us. We work 1/3 of our lives MINIMUM. And we sleep 1/3. So the MOST free time we have is 1/3 which is impossible to spend that all with significant other. So yes, while it was rude of her female co worker to say, it was still true. And that is sad.

[iris219]

On an average day, we spend a lot of time together.

 

We see each other in the morning, evening, and throughout the day.

 

It's rare for us to go more than 4 hours without seeing each other for at least a few minutes. We work together though.

 

We text throughout the day too, so we're always connected in some way.

[Grumpybutfun]

As someone who has spent an inordinate time away from my wife due to deployments, I know it isn't about quantity but quality. Thankfully I am retired from the military and on career number 2 so on days I don't travel, I see her almost everyday now. She is damn popular so I'm lucky if I get her for a few hours a day, but we make it count. She also is great about feigning interest in my many sports pursuits so she shows up at my fights, competitions or races and is a great little supporter. We run every morning and swim and bike together for fun on weekends. We always go to bed together and that is very important time for us to cuddle, talk and make love. She is very verbal if she doesn't feel connected to me as she would like so I make happen whatever she needs to happen for me to be a good husband and lover.

Not much of an answer, hard to be general about something like a life's partner, sorry,

Grumps

[Michelle ma Belle]

As someone who has spent an inordinate time away from my wife due to deployments, I know it isn't about quantity but quality. Thankfully I am retired from the military and on career number 2 so on days I don't travel, I see her almost everyday now. She is damn popular so I'm lucky if I get her for a few hours a day, but we make it count. She also is great about feigning interest in my many sports pursuits so she shows up at my fights, competitions or races and is a great little supporter. We run every morning and swim and bike together for fun on weekends. We always go to bed together and that is very important time for us to cuddle, talk and make love. She is very verbal if she doesn't feel connected to me as she would like so I make happen whatever she needs to happen for me to be a good husband and lover.

Not much of an answer, hard to be general about something like a life's partner, sorry,

Grumps

 

I actually think this is one of the better responses on here Grumps. And I wholeheartedly agree

 

Personally, I think quantity of time together is far less important than the quality .

 

Quantity doesn't require a whole lot of effort on anyone's part aside from being physically present and near the other person.

 

Quality on the other hand requires more effort and thought. Every moment together is treated special and takes priority over anything else. It's focused and deliberate and in the moment.

 

I also think it is not only healthy but necessary for couples to have a life apart from their relationship. Sports, hobbies, volunteering, friends, work, whatever. It's what makes us whole and well rounded and ultimately appreciative of that special time that's carved out to be with our special person.

 

Who wouldn't choose quality over quantity? Seems like a no brainer to me.

[chucksagent]

Well I don't think anyone chose quantity over quality. Obviously people would rather the time be quality, but why must the two be mutually excusive?

 

 

Grumps made a good point about being "popular." My wife and I both have LARGE network of family, friends and interests. So it is easy to lose track of thing because you are constantly on the move.

 

 

However, that being said, "each having your own lives" is a cheap cop out for partner neglect. It's like a flower that needs to be watered (I think someone said) and as grumps said they cuddle every night and make love (which is an awesome tradition). But I'm sure at least some of you have got caught up in that trap of "can't say no" and you're at a nieces softball game, a nephews soccer game, shopping with your sister, baby shower for girl at work, running club meetings and running, working out, 10 hour work day, grocery shopping, napping, planning a wine tour with friends...where is significant other time in there? See how fast it vanishes? I don't think it's fair to make THEM the afterthought all at the sake of "living your own life." Because guess what, they are PART of your life. And while your separate life is essential and awesome, it shouldn't trump your spouse. At least not in my opinion.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well I don't think anyone chose quantity over quality. Obviously people would rather the time be quality, but why must the two be mutually excusive?

 

Grumps made a good point about being "popular." My wife and I both have LARGE network of family, friends and interests. So it is easy to lose track of thing because you are constantly on the move.

 

However, that being said, "each having your own lives" is a cheap cop out for partner neglect. It's like a flower that needs to be watered (I think someone said) and as grumps said they cuddle every night and make love (which is an awesome tradition). But I'm sure at least some of you have got caught up in that trap of "can't say no" and you're at a nieces softball game, a nephews soccer game, shopping with your sister, baby shower for girl at work, running club meetings and running, working out, 10 hour work day, grocery shopping, napping, planning a wine tour with friends...where is significant other time in there? See how fast it vanishes? I don't think it's fair to make THEM the afterthought all at the sake of "living your own life." Because guess what, they are PART of your life. And while your separate life is essential and awesome, it shouldn't trump your spouse. At least not in my opinion.

 

Although I won't argue with you that nothing or no one should trump our spouse/partner, I think it's naive to think you can have both quantity and quality with your partner and have perfect harmony forever and Amen.

 

I believe it is more realistic to say that the hope or wish or even I dare say the fantasy of most couples is that you can have it all and that the two DON'T become mutually exclusive but in all honesty, theory is always easier than reality.

 

I also think that "having your own life" is certainly NOT a cheap cop out for partner neglect. It isn't that black or white for heaven's sake.

 

It's extremely challenging to maintain that kind of laser focus 24/7 blend of quantity and quality particularly for younger couples. Hell, they're still learning about themselves and how they fit into their new roles as spouse, provider, lover and parent never mind how to navigate effectively in their marriages yet.

 

It's a serious balancing act and quite frankly, not many people can do it at all never mind do it well. Believe me, I tried.

 

If that's really how you feel then perhaps you might spend some time in the break-up forums and counsel the countless bleeding hearts who wrapped themselves and their lives around their partners and all but lost themselves in the process. And when it's over, you're a shell of a person. What kind of life is that? Enveloping your spouse does NOT guarantee a happily-ever-after. I've lived it so I know what I'm talking about which is why I will NEVER make that mistake again.

 

Like with every relationship, having it all, equal parts quantity and quality is only possible if BOTH partners are on the same page about it and work diligently at it without fail. It's 100% on both sides.

 

Again, I'm not disagreeing that our partners should be our priority but allowing room for life to exist in the cracks and crevices between us isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[chucksagent]

Oh I totally agree with you. I made the same mistake ONCE of neglecting family and friends for my girlfriend at the time and I will NEVER make it again...however my friend, it works THE OTHER WAY TOO! Lol.

 

 

It's JUST as easy to focus TOO MUCH on friends, family, work, personal interest and ignore/neglect the GOOD spouse who encourages you to spend that time doing YOU stuff and tending to family, friends, etc.

 

 

One thing I love that you said was I was naïve. And another friend of mine told me this earlier in the week. He has his doctorate from Cornell and is VERY bright. And he was like "Man, not everyone spends as much time during a day as you pondering and thinking. Lots of people out there just act and make mistakes before they realize they did. So expecting your wife or ANYONE to sit back and look at like like a chess board like you do is unrealistic."

 

 

Truthfully, I was a lawyer way before law school. It's just my inner nature to look for balance and fairness and make sure everyone is being treated equally. My teachers used to call me the governor in high school because I belonged to lots of clubs, activities, sports, had a part time job and still had great grades. EVEN THEN, they would say "not many people could pull that off." So I agree with your point that its naïve and unrealistic of me to hold others to my expectations of not neglecting your significant other EVER...its bound to happen...its just life...life gets in the way...someone else earlier said it best perhaps that if you have ONE OF THOSE WEEKS where you neglect them a little, the next week you do something sweet or thoughtful to make it up to them.

 

 

I think the reason its tough for my wife and I...she and I were friends first...we are VERY much alike in personality, having fun, loyal, hardworking, lots of friends, etc...only...I am a THINKER, she is a DOER...he doesn't think first a lot and often winds up being sorry (or not so) after doing. Prime example...

 

 

We were away for a weekend with another couple...so we split the hotel room (aka never got a chance to be alone...wink)...but a lot of temptation, flirting, teasing...it was like we were dating again, very cool. So I couldn't WAIT to get home Sunday afternoon. Well, her sister asked her if she would go to her nephews softball game at 4, and we weren't getting back until 3:30...we were tired, exhausted after the weekend...you would THINK youd just want to get home, relax and enjoy eachother.

 

 

My wife NOPE...she wanted to go to the softball game. So I was trying to send hints MAYBE itd be nice to just relax at home together, alone, quiet, romantic...I didn't come off aggressive or annoyed, just genuine that I was hoping for some alone time. So she calls her Mom to see if she would go to softball game with her sister because my wife was tired and getting home late in the day. Her moms exact words "Oh, I already told her I would go, we both assumed you'd be tired and just want to spend the night with Bob."

 

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

So if its common sense to me...common sense to her sister...and common sense to her MOTHER!!! What is wrong with her?!?!? Lol. Admittedly, she and I are BOTH people pleasers and have been working on it, but man, even people pleasers need to draw a line in the sand. Lol. Her sister lives a half an hour away by the way...so 4 hour drive back from where we were out of town, and then would have to drive 1 hour round trip for childs softball game (which she usually never misses anyway).