It's 3am and can't stop crying

[Glinda.Good]

Don't be beating yourself up. And, don't do anything like that again. It's self abuse.

[Leigh 87]

WHY ARE YOU STILL MARRIED?

 

When you are going crazy over a man that IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND, that generally means You're being a selfish low life.

 

Why are you still with your husband?

[Zahara]

WHY ARE YOU STILL MARRIED?

 

When you are going crazy over a man that IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND, that generally means You're being a selfish low life.

 

Why are you still with your husband?

 

Leigh, she's separated from her husband. She's admitted to cheating on her ex. She admits to wrongdoing. Yes, technically she's still married but what's done is done. She can't reverse what she did.

 

It doesn't help to attack her that way when she's already beaten down. She's trying to heal and detach from this guy and I am sure she'll work out her separation/divorce as she starts to gain more clarity and perspective as she moves along in her healing.

[irresolute]

A divorce takes time and money and we've agreed to stay married for now but we are living separate lives. We don't live together and we are not in a relationship anymore.

I honestly don't know how many times I have to explain my situation and it's getting tiring that some of you guys judge me for my past. I've really had enough and I'm aware of the mess I was in.

[BC1980]

A divorce takes time and money and we've agreed to stay married for now but we are living separate lives. We don't live together and we are not in a relationship anymore.

I honestly don't know how many times I have to explain my situation and it's getting tiring that some of you guys judge me for my past. I've really had enough and I'm aware of the mess I was in.

 

I wouldn't try to explain it anymore. You've explained it once, so, if people still want to bring it up, I would ignore it.

[irresolute]

I wouldn't try to explain it anymore. You've explained it once, so, if people still want to bring it up, I would ignore it.

 

Yes, I guess I have to learn how to ignore

 

I got a job today. I am so happy, and scared at the same time. I just wanted to call J. to let him know, how stupid idea. I feel so empty without him in my life. After I deleted my profile on Adult Friend finder, he hasn't even attempted to contact me, not even to ask me why I deleted the profile. I don't really care, he must have been sleeping with all his other flings, too busy to worry about me. I just want him out of my brain, and my thoughts.

[Smarty Pants]

Yes, I guess I have to learn how to ignore

 

I got a job today. I am so happy, and scared at the same time. I just wanted to call J. to let him know, how stupid idea. I feel so empty without him in my life. After I deleted my profile on Adult Friend finder, he hasn't even attempted to contact me, not even to ask me why I deleted the profile. I don't really care, he must have been sleeping with all his other flings, too busy to worry about me. I just want him out of my brain, and my thoughts.

 

It takes time. People will tell you this over and over and it probably won't make you feel better. All you can do is focus on yourself and YOUR happiness.

 

Congratulations on the job! When I went through my breakup I lost my job, had a cancer scare and I felt so alone. But going through it all on my own gave me so much confidence! You're on your way to a happier life

[emotionalMess]

Good, you are working on yourself. You may need to find another counselor.

Do take the advice of people here. You will find after reading enough posts that human behavior is mostly consistent when it comes to breakups.

 

Some here will make assumptions so don't take personally. It's their bad that they are assuming.

Listen to those who give sound advice, ignore those who choose to judge you.

 

You are smart and good looking. Stop wasting your time.

Get off of Friend Finder and when you are ready, date others from other non-Adult content related places.

 

Or take some time for yourself. There is no rush.

Edited June 19, 2014 by emotionalMess

[FitnessRN]

Yes, I guess I have to learn how to ignore

 

I got a job today. I am so happy, and scared at the same time. I just wanted to call J. to let him know, how stupid idea. I feel so empty without him in my life. After I deleted my profile on Adult Friend finder, he hasn't even attempted to contact me, not even to ask me why I deleted the profile. I don't really care, he must have been sleeping with all his other flings, too busy to worry about me. I just want him out of my brain, and my thoughts.

 

 

 

Looking at your picture, I don't think you will have any problems upgrading and finding somebody much better.

[irresolute]

Thank you for the nice comments.

 

I'm having a hard time today. I did something that I now regret. I posted two new pictures in my blog. It was not a random act since I know he visited my blog ONCE 17 days ago, when he dumped me, when I told him my name. It seems he searched me on the internet and visited my personal blog.

So, this stupid random act of uploading two new pics, with the hope he'll see them and change his mind, has triggered a lot of emotions. I'm now wondering what is he doing now? Is he out with his son? Is he texting other women? (that's for sure, but in my mind I suppose he's grieving and regretting being so ash.ole with me...yeah, sure!).

he hasn't looked for me, no texts, NADA. He must be sick and tired of me, as I am myself. Why I can't let this guy go? It's no good, he'll never gonna love me, why I just can't let him go?

 

I hope tomorrow will be better. I have training at work, so I'll be all the afternoon occupied, and that's good. I'm so grateful I got this job, it's the only thing that makes me think there's hope...somehow.

 

PS: It's been 10 days since I last texted him, 5 days since I deleted my profile on Adult Friend Finder, and 4 days since I last saw a picture of him.

Edited June 21, 2014 by irresolute

[Orange floor]

Yes, I guess I have to learn how to ignore

 

In one sense YES and in another NO

 

YES learn to ignore this OM

 

NO because you have managed to ignore advice on here for what seems like forever.

 

Many of us have been in your position "dumped" its better than being "cheated on" its better than being "ill" its better than "dying" You have an exciting life ahead if you embrace it with dignity, head held high and strutt, stop beating yourself up - and stop counting the days past look forward you can do nothing with time that has gone

[irresolute]

Thought Saturday night...

 

I've discovered long ago that I desperately need strong emotions to feel alive. And j. Gave me that. Our relationship was mostly me stalking him on the internet, taking note of his online patterns, trying to decipher whether he was online for me or not (and mostly not), go ogling him all the time, looking at his facebook page and memorizing all his friends to try t o discover if he was into any of them...it was a lot of time wasted actually. But looking for him gave me this rush of adrenaline. .. now I have nothing. Cold turkey. And i feel so empty without my routine...

 

I do miss him. I miss all that came with him. The pain and the misery and the rejection and the long hours googling his name. Because I felt alive. My life is boring. I was doing my training today and I missed him. I miss him all the time. I just want to go to sleep and wake up without having to remember.

[learning_slowly]

You seem like somebody who is addicted to butterflies in the stomach.

 

What would you have done if j had wanted to be with you? Eventually the sensation would have mellowed and you would have been in the same place as with your husband.

 

It's your life so you will make the decisions, but do you want to keep thinking about somebody that doesn't care about you or find somebody new who will?

 

It gets easier to stop contact when you realise he doesn't want anything to do with you or he would have kept in touch.

 

After a while of no contact, you can go on new dates and see that he was not do special. It's just chemistry messing up your brain at the moment.

 

Good luck.

[Leigh 87]

Im really really Sorry for my comment.

 

I wasnt sure if you were actively cheating on an unsuspecting husband or what.

 

I am so Sorry for what you are going through. It sounds awful. You look quiet attractive and I am sure you will be flooded with suiters.

 

Good luck. Truly Sorry for being judgnental.

[emotionalMess]

Good Job Deleting your account!

 

Fire that Counselor immediately. Sounds like he or she wants your business so he or she is giving you some false hope. I would be pissed off at this counselor if I were you.

 

The strong emotions you talked about = your addiction to him.

Its like a drug. You have to treat it exactly the same.

You stalking = addict looking for a fix.

I have been there and done that so don't feel alone.

 

 

Mixed emotions.

 

today I went to see my counselor and realized he has been giving me mixed signals about my relationship with J. (Let's call him J. He deserves a name after all, even thought he didn't remember mine ).

My counselor keeps saying that J. is into me but he's broken. That J. sees me as different from the others, and that he's afraid to commit and for that reason he pulls away from me.

I left feeling uneasy because deep inside me I know J. doesn't care about me, and that I'm not really different from the woman who misses his a.s.s.

 

So, after crying a little more (because I haven't been crying enough lately...) I deleted my profile on Adult Friend Finder. Yesss. No longer a member.

 

My logic is that if I need to have an account there to have J''s attention, it's not worth it. I'm not that type of girl. I respect all those who want sex with no attachment and can have multiple partners just because it's fun, but not me.

 

And also, if J. really likes the girls there, and they miss his a.s.s. so much...I'm just let him go with them. They can have as much a.s.s. as they want. I'm not gonna fight for someone that is blatantly not interested in me.

 

I'm letting him free (in my mind, because he was always free) to sleep with whomever he wants. I'm worth more than a f.u.c.k. Seriously.

Yes, I AM A CATCH. and if he couldn't see it this way, his loss.

By the way, I'm still crying while I'm writing. wtf

Edited June 22, 2014 by emotionalMess

[irresolute]

After a whole day of consideration (yesterday), I decided to block him on the internet. He can still contact me if he remembers my name, which I seriously doubt, but I can no longer see what's he's up to on online dating. I deleted the fake profiles I created for that motive.

 

Yesterday it feels good. In the morning while I was still deciding what to do, I pictured myself attached to him by an iron bar. A big unbreakable iron bar. Then, at night, that iron bar was converted into a thin piece of rope about to break completely.

 

I had a setback though. I dreamt about him and now I'm a mess avain. I been dreaming about him for 3 consecutive nights already. In my dream, he got mad at me and broke with me because I told him how come he sleep with that old fat chick from adult friend finder. He got mad and left and then I found the chick and grabbed her by the hair yelling how much I hated her and that she was a prostitute. Ugh so draining. I only wish I'll be ok. I feel better than last week

[Zahara]

The dreams are bummers. But I noticed that the dreams started to change depending on what stage I was in the break-up. Early stages -- he'd be dumping me, I'd see him with another woman, he'd be mocking -- I'd wake up crying and upset. Feeling like I fell 20 steps back. Then as I was feeling more relief, the dreams faded. Then as I was feeling somewhat indifferent, the dreams would be me feeling angry and trying to avoid him, feeling repulsed. It's your sub-concious replaying your daily thoughts as you sleep. Just dreams. I used to tell myself.

 

"I only wish I'll be ok. I feel better than last week."

 

There you have it. You will be okay. You feel better than last week. It tiook a week to feel some change in your emotions. Imagine how you're going to feel 10 weeks from now! So, YOU WILL be okay.

[irresolute]

Ugh horrible day today. I cried all morning. I re read some of our texts and i cried more. I won't read them again.

 

I now know he was not that interested. He replied because I insisted. He replied because he feel pity I was so into him. This is an awful realization and makes me sick because I think I was not enough. Not enough interesting, not enough attractive, not enough woman for him. I had to compete with his ex and with all the other sexual friends he has. And i lost. He preferred all the others but me.

Tomorrow I have a 9 hour shift and i hope this will help me distract from all the pain I'm feeling right now.

[emotionalMess]

There a lot of men who will want you for who you are.

He does not. Do you want to be with a player or someone who really

wants you and will die for you? Think about how much better it will be when that time comes.

[irresolute]

Dear all, another day in paradise

 

Seriously, I can't seem to come into terms with all this. My mind is a mess and I'm finding it very difficult not to be sad.

I just don't seem to cope with the fact he was not into me. I try to look for clues, answers, and I can't find anything that makes me realize he cared for me. And this is seriously painful.

I go to work and everything seems to be fine, but then my shift is over and I get to the car and I cry all the way until I arrive home. and then I just want to go to sleep because I can't cope.

 

He was a player. Yes, he was. and he lied to me. A lot. And he didn't want to meet me at the end. He avoided me pretending he was busy. Overly busy, and he got mad at me because I did have free time.

How can I possible move on from all the pain I'm feeling right now? I feel the rejection multiplied by 1000.

I mean, he told me all possible excuses not to see me, and not to contact me. Every possible ridicule excuse.

Now I'm no contact. Ive deleted my profiles. I've disappeared from his life, like 10 times before. and he didn't even care to look for me. Of course, why should he, if he has other women he likes more. God, how can I come to terms with all these?

 

I'm editing this to ask to all those people reading if they could please post their thoughts here. I'd really appreciate it.

 

 

Editing this one more time. I'm in shock. Totally in shock. I made the mistake to search for his profile online, and he changed his address to Reno, Nevada, 5 hours away and the location where lives the woman who made the comment about his ass. Whats going on here? omg this is a nightmare. Who is this guy? Im scared

Edited June 30, 2014 by irresolute

[emotionalMess]

You are searching for answers for which you may never get or at least never would want to hear about.

 

Each time you check in on him, you take yourself to a new low.

You are purposely self-inflicting pain on yourself and taking yourself back to square one each time.

 

It's your ego calling the shots. Do you have any abandonment issues from your past? If so, you have to learn to leave that sh*t in the past and not bring them into the present. All of your decisions should now be forward-focused. Leave the bum in the dust, get your sh+t together and once that happens, you will be ready. If you do this your whole perspective will change and you will once again be happy. When were you last truly happy?

[sugarlove]

I agree it's ego/loss of pride. It's hard to not be obsessive as one is searching for answers but if you accept that it's not about him anymore, and more about what you choose to do with your future, you won't feel that out of control.

 

Be prepared that overcoming this won't be easy, emotions are out of whack so you start to act out of ordinary and second guess yourself every day. Amour yourself with common sense, he's a runner, a player, a liar. What can he offer you now to make you happy? His presence? Yuck, please, if he returns, will you even want him back? Honestly ask yourself, will you want him back after all these he put you through... I hope you love yourself enough to know the right answer to that.

[emotionalMess]

I hate to be a judge and I don't know all however...

 

You sell yourself as self-confident but you are not.

I'm working on myself too so don't worry about it.

 

Found this:

Self-Confidence is being able to feel comfortable with yourself and being able to appreciate yourself despite the flaws you perceive. Do you allow yourself to accept who you are?

 

You are amazing!

Allow yourself to have these positive feelings about yourself.

[irresolute]

I hate to be a judge and I don't know all however...

 

You sell yourself as self-confident but you are not.

I'm working on myself too so don't worry about it.

 

Found this:

Self-Confidence is being able to feel comfortable with yourself and being able to appreciate yourself despite the flaws you perceive. Do you allow yourself to accept who you are?

 

You are amazing!

Allow yourself to have these positive feelings about yourself.

 

 

Thank you. Yes, my mother abandoned me. To the point I don't know if she's alive or dead as she disappeared.

Last time I was happy was with j. That's the truth.

But now i dont even know who this guy is. He told me so many lies I'm scared. Why did he do this to me? What is he doing in nevada? Why did he change his location?

He told me he has full time custody of his son.... and that his ex is pregnant with another's man's baby but in her Facebook she doesn't seem to be preggo. So many lies omg. He told me he didn't want to hurt me. Maybe for this reason he dumped me? But he also told me I was never an option and there were no other people. But this woman from adult friend finder (he told me he never met anyone from that site) left a comment about missing his ass. And now he changed location to nevada, looking for lovers there when i deleted my profile on that site.

 

 

I don't understand. It's just that. I want abswers. Why did he lied so much to me? Why? Why? He could just said to leave him alone... which he did honestly. Yeah he dumped me. Maybe he was trying to tell me to go away and I just couldnt. But why the lies??? It's 2 am and I just can't believe this.

[emotionalMess]

I'm not a Dr. but I know a lot of this rings a bell with me. Does any ring a bell with you?

 

Unresolved abandonment – - the source of our insecurities, addictions, compulsions, and distress.

 

Unresolved abandonment – - the insidious virus invading body mind and soul – - the culprit for the anxiety we are forever trying to self-medicate with food, alcohol, shopping, people and a host of other self defeating behaviors.

 

Unresolved abandonment – - the roadblock to reaching our potential – - the invisible wound that drains self esteem from within – - the hidden trap that keeps us stuck in patterns of self-sabotage.

 

Unresolved abandonment – - the chronic insecurity that becomes the scourge of human relationship.

 

Unresolved abandonment – - the internal barrier to fully connecting to others. Fear short-circuits our attempts to find love – - we struggle to find and keep relationships. We become abandoholics.

 

Unresolved abandonment – - the elusive grief so many seek therapy for and can’t seem to overcome – - an undifferentiated emptiness often mis-diagnosed as depression and inappropriately medicated.

 

Unresolved abandonment – - simplistic methods like ‘positive thinking’ or just going to therapy do not deter it.

 

 

Unresolved abandonment – - people continue searching for one more tape, one more lecture, one more book that will finally free them. But all of the self-medicating and soothing words in the world will not eradicate the distress, disturbance and dysfunction caused by unresolved abandonment. For that you must go beyond insight. You must take action.

Abandonment survivors need more than symptom management and feel-good relief. They need an approach that facilitates not the illusion of change, but real change.

 

 

This can only happen when you realize that the magic bullet is not in any book or program. It is within you. It is you ability to integrate awareness with action.

 

 

Frequently Asked Abandonment Questions Answered By Susan Anderson