Schooner Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 After 2.5 years, my SO and I are taking a break from each other. The idea is that it is temporary, to give us both time and space to deal with different issues and to reflect on how/if the R should go on from here. We've both known for a while that it was coming, and both kept putting it off. The problem is we didn't properly discuss boundaries other than agreeing that contact was probably not a good idea as, in the past when we've tried this with some contact, we've just slid right back into the same old R. We said we would have a discussion about rules and boundaries beforehand but in the end we were both too upset, and we finally parted company on Saturday night. On Sunday morning he rang and I answered. He asked if we were really not going to contact each other now and I said I supposed not. Tbh I was partly a bit disorientated (the call woke me up) and partly secretly hoping he'd say let's meet today one last time). He cried and just said "Goodbye Schooner" and that was that. On Monday I called him. Told myself it was to arrange to return something of his that I know he needs back fairly urgently, but of course that was just an excuse. Anyway, he didn't answer, I didn't leave a message and he hasn't called me back. He has also avoided the couple of situations where we could have run into each other. I respect him for keeping up the nc (I know he will have seen my call), especially as it was always him who caved in first in the past. It's thrown up some stuff that I'm finding hard to deal with though so I'd appreciate other people's opinions as it's too early into nc and too raw to trust my own judgement. 1. I feel we should have set a time limit or at least some date by which we could review where we both are? I want to suggest that to him but it would be breaking nc and I could be using this as an excuse. 2. Before we parted, he asked me to help him with the issue he is supposed to deal with whilst we are apart, by coming to at least one appointment with him. At the time I refused. This is an issue we have been fighting over for a long time and is a serious problem in the R. Much of the fighting has been over the fact that this is his problem that only he can deal with, but he has so far either ignored it or tried to make it my problem. I have been as supportive as I can, but I can't fix it, only he can do that, most likely with professional help. When he asked me if I would go with him, he said he needed me to do the talking, so I felt he was still trying to push responsibility away from himself, and that's why I refused. I do recognise that even starting to deal with it is going to open a huge horrible can of worms for him, and I now wonder if I've been too hard on him and should be offering him support by agreeing to go to an appointment (assuming he ever actually makes one). Or is this just another excuse on my part to break nc? This post probably screams "I want someone to validate my sad excuses to break nc". I really DON'T want to break nc unless it is for a genuinely good reason but I miss him so much I'm in too flaky a place to judge what that is. I regret having called him on Monday. I respect his keeping up nc and feel guilty that my call probably made it harder for him. The nc is also helping me to start working through my own problems too. Thoughts anyone?
David87 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 There's no such thing as a relationship break( pause, cal it what you want) He's letting you go easy, because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings to bad and olso he's keeping you on the back burner in case he can't find someone better, because he will date during this time. Don't break NC and don't be his doormat.
Author Schooner Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 I should probably also mention that it is me driving the break not him. He does not want the break but does accept my reasons for it. I am absolutely sure that he is not seeing someone else and he made it very clear that the break would end as soon as I wanted it to. He doesn't want it to start in the first place but I'm at my wit's end. He has problems that make life extremely difficult for both of us, and although he has tried different ways to deal with it, none of them involve doing the one thing that is needed - therapy. I do understand why - it's going to involve delving into some very unpleasant stuff from his childhood. He's terrified of this. I've tried to understand and live with the problems, but it is disruptive, exhausting and overwhelming and his reluctance to face up to it made me realise that things will probably not change. I had to think hard about whether I could spend the rest of my life dealing with it. I'm not sure I can. I'm not trying to force him to get help, there's no point. I need some space away from the chaos to reflect on whether ending it is the right path or whether I could find some way to live with it. He says he will seek help for his problem. He also feels there are some things on my side that are excerbating the situation and I take his point and am willing to work on this. Maybe he does not want to/cannot follow through with his promise and that is his choice. This break is a last chance for both us to make decisions about the future. Neither of us wants to see anyone else. It is not about hiding anything or keeping options open while looking for an excuse to sleep around.
irresolute Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I think this a dumb idea. What are you trying to prove? Relationship break sounds dumb to me sorry. 1
David87 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Wow, I thought it was his idea. You either want to be with him or not. If you need time apart to figure this out than you don't love him so I don't see the need to even consider dating him again. When you LOVE somebody you want to spend all your time with that person not to take a break.
BradJacobs Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 This break is a last chance for both us to make decisions about the future. Neither of us wants to see anyone else. It is not about hiding anything or keeping options open while looking for an excuse to sleep around. First, if you need to take a break from a relationship then it's not a good relationship to begin with. Second, you're on a break. If he ends up sleeping with someone else then that's his choice as it was yours to initiate the break. Good luck with everything! 1
Zahara Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) 2. Before we parted, he asked me to help him with the issue he is supposed to deal with whilst we are apart, by coming to at least one appointment with him. At the time I refused. This is an issue we have been fighting over for a long time and is a serious problem in the R. Much of the fighting has been over the fact that this is his problem that only he can deal with, but he has so far either ignored it or tried to make it my problem. I have been as supportive as I can, but I can't fix it, only he can do that, most likely with professional help. When he asked me if I would go with him, he said he needed me to do the talking, so I felt he was still trying to push responsibility away from himself, and that's why I refused. The suggestion of therapy is a difficult thing to grasp or accept for most so to even agree seeing a professional is a huge step. I commend him for that. It's not easy to sit there and open yourself up to a complete stranger and worst of all, he's probably so terrified he doesn't even know where to start. I used to sit at sessions and clam up. There were times I didn't even know what to address. Why don't you support him by at least going for a couple of sessions to help him transition into it? Yes they are his issues. They have become yours as well as it is affecting your relationship. Hand holding doesn't have to be about enabling but it also can be about supporting. Therapy to him may be daunting and frightening, but the fact that he agrees to go is a half the battle won. I say help him with a couple of sessions. When he says he wants you to speak to the counselor it could probably just mean that he is fearful of not being able to express or articulate what's wrong or that he may not even be able to specifically identify what's wrong (eventhough he knows something is amiss) without someone actually pointing it out. I'm not saying go to every individual session with him. But just for a couple of sessions to help him settle into it. Then go from there. Edited June 13, 2014 by Zahara
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 If you want your relationship to move forward you have to work on it together. Breaks only weaken it. The allow both sides to see that they can function independently and make it much easier to end the whole thing later. All you are doing with this silly break business is ripping the band-aid off painfully slowly. If you can't figure out what's wrong together & work together to reoslve it you don't have a future. Whatever his thing is that he needs therapy for you already know that you can't go forward until it's fixed. He doesn't want to fix it & that's his choice. You may be calling it a temporary break but you are kidding yourself & giving him false hope. What you are really doing, without actually having the guts to do it, is saying this thing is a deal breaker for me. Fix it or we can't have a relationship. You are giving him an ultimatium but you are trying to sugar coat it & that's making things worse.
Mr.Pine Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Thoughts anyone? In my experience, a break is merely a thinly disguised break-up. If you two were really in it to win it, you would work through your problems TOGETHER...not apart. Go NC and stay there.
Recommended Posts