Doubtsforever Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Almost at the 5 weeks mark of not knowing anything from my ex I called him to see if we could talk and get back together. I initiated to break up and for what i've been reading in here, this move was up to me. Never felt right about breaking up... but now it turns out that he slept with an ex. They broke up long ago before "us" (I mean, before we had met, been in a relationship and all) so even when now i feel brokenhearted i guess i have no say on it..... but now i wonder if he really cared. I know I said i didn't loved him, and i know i broke up with him, but sleeping with an ex? I think it wouldn't bother me this much if the girl was new or just some random chick he met... but is an ex and now I am confused. Advice?
David87 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 He did nothing wrong, you dumped him remember ? From that moment he can do what ever he pleases. If you want him back tell him that you're sorry and you want to give it another try, after that it's up to him ..... No breadcrumbs or I miss you texts required. Good luck. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 You are having the break up version of buyers remorse. You don't want him back. You want what's comfortable & familiar. Going backwards in life is rarely a good thing. Nothing that caused the break up has been resolved or changed. Why go back to something that wasn't working? 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Yeah, you don't have the right to be pissed at him for sleeping with someone else. Once you let him go you forfeited all rights and opinions about his life. It's extremely selfish and petty for you to try to play the victim in that. As far as the other part, has whatever you didn't like about him changed? Did you realize that you loved him as is? Or are you just feeling what d0nnivain said because the post-breakup life wasn't what you envisioned. I'm guessing he didn't change in five weeks, so either a) you realize you f--ked up and you'll take him back as is or b) you're feeling insecure about life and you want a familiar hand to help you clean up your mess for now until you are ready to break up and try the whole single thing again. If it's b (which is my hunch, especially with this self-centered, woe-is-me, "I can't believe he hooked up with his ex" garbage you are spewing) then leave him be. You'll be wasting his time and your time. If it's a, make sure you are serious, then tell him specifically that you made a mistake and you want him back and be prepared to take him back unchanged from what he was when you broke up with him. If you don't want what he was when you broke up with him, then stay with the breakup and move forward. It doesn't make you a bad person to break up with someone, but you have to be willing to live with the consequences without being pissy about it. That means he can hook up with whoever he wants and you have no right to criticize or feel self-righteous. 1
Zahara Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I initiated to break up and for what i've been reading in here, this move was up to me. Never felt right about breaking up... but now it turns out that he slept with an ex. You're either here nor there. Why did you initiate a break-up? What's different now that what you did doesn't feel right? You may just be reacting on some negative feelings from not feeling the comfort and familiarity you had with him. They broke up long ago before "us" (I mean, before we had met, been in a relationship and all) so even when now i feel brokenhearted i guess i have no say on it..... Your ego is bruised. If you loved the guy and he did that, I can understand feeling brokenhearted. but now i wonder if he really cared. I know I said i didn't loved him, and i know i broke up with him, but sleeping with an ex? You have no say who he sleeps with. I think it wouldn't bother me this much if the girl was new or just some random chick he met... but is an ex and now I am confused. What is there to be confused about? Sleeping with an ex doesn't invalidate your relationship, if you're thinking that you/relationship never meant anything to him because he slept with an ex. You invalidated it by telling him you don't love him and by ending the relationship. 4
Author Doubtsforever Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 Sorry, it might have sounded as if I was trying to victimize myself, but no. I think I screwed up by breaking up because I think that there are bigger issues that the ones we had. And even when I dated someone, I didn't break things off because of that person. I know it can look that way and I am aware of my role on this. I asked this question and posted this thread because I broke things off due to my own insecurity. I am admitting it. This is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/479290-told-him-i-didn-t-love-him-anymore-but-i-am-not-sure And now that he slept with his ex... Well, he can do as he pleases, like you say. I surely think it was merely sexual, and in that sense it doesn't bugs me that much, but I feel like Zahara said. Anyways, she is also right that I was the one to invalidate things first. So I can't blame him. What bothers me now (apart from my own issues) is that he used to say he hated the girl he slept with, but I guess I could talk to him about it, I just want to be reasonable about things.
Zahara Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 This is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/479290-told-him-i-didn-t-love-him-anymore-but-i-am-not-sure After reading that thread, maybe it wouldn't be wise for you to revisit him because 5 weeks doesn't do anything to change the issues that you had that pushed for you to break-up with him. I'm not sure if you are so insecure that you self-sabotage, or it could just be that you lost feelings for your ex but you're just looking to him to fill a void you now have inside you. If you can't make you happy, then no one can. You left your ex, then you started with this guy, now this guy doesn't make you happy and you're thinking of going back to your ex. You know how your ex tried to make the effort to change his life around. You should do the same, do it by yourself without trying to cling to a man to get you through. The last thing you need to do it get involved in a relationship because all you are bringing to the table is insecurity and confusion. 1
Author Doubtsforever Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 His immediate reaction to the break up, was a normal one? (to insult me) I don't know. That never happened to me before. Apart from that... I think that you are right. I need to work on myself before I can even think of making this relationship (or any other work)...
Zahara Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 His immediate reaction to the break up, was a normal one? (to insult me) I don't know. That never happened to me before. I don't know if it was to insult you, if he was expecting it, if he wanted it, etc. What's clear is that you wanted this. Unless you were using the break-up to get a reaction from him for whatever your reasons -- but it backfired on you -- I'm not sure as to your confusion. You want this, yet you want that, then you don't want it, then you don't know what happened, etc. With all that, it would be best that you stay away from him. You're not seeing things very clearly right now. Apart from that... I think that you are right. I need to work on myself before I can even think of making this relationship (or any other work)... Yes, you are in no way healthy to be in any relationship until you sort yourself out.
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