avoforastig Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I employed the multi-dating strategy to improve my odds recently. Now, I find myself in the unexpected predicament of having to choose between some solid ladies. One lives only about 10-15 minutes away. She is kind, cute, but a little straight laced(not necessarily bad). She is always responsive and seems to really like me. We have been on three dates. The other is very physically attractive and friendly. However, she is a few years younger and I'm not sure how well she has her life figured out, which is a potential problem since I'm shooting for long term. She also seems a little superficial, not horribly though. She also lives about an hour away so the logistics are an issue. We have been on two dates but she has been a slow responder in between dates. How long is it alright to continue multi-dating before I cut one off? My gut tells me the first girl is a safe bet but it's tricky to kick a beautiful, down to earth woman to the curb.
PegNosePete Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 As long as you like. Just realize that your actions have consequences. If you carry on seeing both for 6 months, for example, and they find out about each other... you may well end up losing both. 3
Fondue Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I multidated all of last summer. Had dated many girls at once. It was exhausting and expensive, but at the same time quite fun. I was in your exact predicament, too. Two great women whom had a lot going for them. I definitely wanted both, but I know I couldn't have both. I think I dated them simultaneously for about... 3.5months? They both "knew" that the other existed, but they didn't know I was seeing them. One just knew I took professional dancing lessons with X, and the other knew that I had a friend named Y whom occasionally went to big social gatherings with. Nothing more than that. Eventually one just played herself out of the picture. The one that I eventually let go kept telling me prior to meeting X that she didn't want to label our relationship. That she knew she wanted to be with me, but wasn't ready to be gf/bf. So as I started to see X more and more, I cared less and less about being in a relationship with Y. Eventually Y told me she loved me, saw us having kids together, etc., but I was already beyond that. I wasn't going to accept her at this point because she waited so long. So I got rid of her and started to date X permanently. Best decision I ever made. I did tell X that same month that I got rid of Y. I didn't tell her that I dated her, I just told her that Y confessed she had feelings for me and it wasn't fair to X that I would continue to befriend Y while she felt this way about me. X completely understood what I meant and was happy to hear it. I think she was happy to hear I would no longer communicate with Y-- regardless of what she thought our relationship actually was. Sorry for the long story. I just thought I would share in case you were wondering of what kind of things can come of multidating for a long time. It becomes a hassle to have to juggle both at the same time and not have them find out about each other. 1
central Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I would date two or three until one clearly stood out or one clearly wasn't a great match. That could be anything from a few dates to a couple of months. At one point I was dating two, they each knew about each other, but didn't mind that I was seeing them both. That turned into a lengthy polyamorous arrangement. I eventually decided I liked one more, but at about that time the one I liked less met someone else, so it all worked out and all of us remained friends.
ktya Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Multi-date for as long as you want as long as you are honest that you are seeing other people. You dont have to get into graphic details just be honest. They will naturally fall off on their own for whatever reasons or they will be really into you and want to spend a lot of time with you and will urge you to become exclusive. If you want to be exclusive with that girl who you can tell really wants it then go exclusive and terminate multi-dating and dial in on just one. I was seeing two girls at the same time who knew about eachother back in January. Similar to the above poster one was smokeshow hot and the other was super cute but seemed to have it more together. I was only two months out of a relationship and nearly rebounded at them. Well long story short the cute one with her act together ended up moving away and now has a boyfriend (I still sleep with her when she comes back to town, its a curious arrangement) and the porn star hot one had a few major meltdowns and was clearly not ready for a relationship. Luckily I started seeing another girl at the tail end of this time and didn't end up running dry. The point of the story is you dont choose them. They choose you. If I had of chosen either one of them I would have come away empty handed. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 As soon as you have sex with one you cut the other loose. 4
Author avoforastig Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Multi-date for as long as you want as long as you are honest that you are seeing other people. You dont have to get into graphic details just be honest. They will naturally fall off on their own for whatever reasons or they will be really into you and want to spend a lot of time with you and will urge you to become exclusive. If you want to be exclusive with that girl who you can tell really wants it then go exclusive and terminate multi-dating and dial in on just one. I was seeing two girls at the same time who knew about eachother back in January. Similar to the above poster one was smokeshow hot and the other was super cute but seemed to have it more together. I was only two months out of a relationship and nearly rebounded at them. Well long story short the cute one with her act together ended up moving away and now has a boyfriend (I still sleep with her when she comes back to town, its a curious arrangement) and the porn star hot one had a few major meltdowns and was clearly not ready for a relationship. Luckily I started seeing another girl at the tail end of this time and didn't end up running dry. The point of the story is you dont choose them. They choose you. If I had of chosen either one of them I would have come away empty handed. There has been no discussion if exclusivity. However, the girl with her act together seems very traditional. Obviously, I don't know her incredibly well but I feel like the notion of me simultaneously seeing someone else would be a major turn off. Given that she is much easier to get together with and seems interested, I don't know that I want to risk screwing it up.
Author avoforastig Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 I would date two or three until one clearly stood out or one clearly wasn't a great match. That could be anything from a few dates to a couple of months. At one point I was dating two, they each knew about each other, but didn't mind that I was seeing them both. That turned into a lengthy polyamorous arrangement. I eventually decided I liked one more, but at about that time the one I liked less met someone else, so it all worked out and all of us remained friends. Are you insinuating I should inform them of each other? I have had more physical contact with one, but there has been no sex.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Am I the only one that finds this odd? Surely its not about weighing them up, making lists and taking the better option... if you are doing this then I would say neither are right.. Id have thought even if you were multi-dating if that special one walked in you would shut the others down.. 6
ktya Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Are you insinuating I should inform them of each other? I have had more physical contact with one, but there has been no sex. Not like by saying, "Hey I'm also seeing this girl Mary, I'm going out with her tomorrow night" god no. Your probably already too deep in it to actually tell them now, its more of a thing you advise on the first date when your figuring out where eachother is at. I just say that I want to keep it casual and that I am having fun dating and meeting different people. If they ask me if I am dating anyone else I say yes. I dont talk specific people or activities with other dates with them that would be rude (although theres one who asks wants to see their pictures gives me pointers etc but that one is pretty unique). The key is to be honest from the get go. Sounds bizarre but when the girls know that you have a lot of choice if they like you they will do their best to sink their claws in you and stop playing hard to get. If they are lazziez faire about you or want to keep it casual because they too are seeing other people they wont care anyway. On your comment about the sex it doesnt really matter your sex life is none of their business until you go exclusive or if you are looking to go bareback on them and its a matter of health. 1
Mrin Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Am I the only one that finds this odd? Surely its not about weighing them up, making lists and taking the better option... if you are doing this then I would say neither are right.. Id have thought even if you were multi-dating if that special one walked in you would shut the others down.. Lists no. But compare and contrasting yes. Does put everything in perspective. I don't think it is sustainable for long once things start getting really involved. I multi-date as a normal course of action. I enjoy meeting women and enjoy their company. Normally I would say 2 - 4 women but the vast majority are all in the 1 - 5 date range. Once I get that far up in dates things become serious and I owe it to them and myself to fish or cut bait. All that being said, when I do click with a women, then the multi-dating ends. Some would say, why bother multi-dating then. I've found that clicking some times takes a few dates. When multi-dating I never let a woman know about any other women. But I am very clear that I am dating other women and fully expect them to be dating other men. Just no details. 2
Baller25 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Am I the only one that finds this odd? Surely its not about weighing them up, making lists and taking the better option... if you are doing this then I would say neither are right.. Id have thought even if you were multi-dating if that special one walked in you would shut the others down.. I agree. Once you've gone on 3+ dates or had sex, I would choose to either cut her off or exclusively date her. I still can't believe there are people that multi-date for long periods when they're looking for something serious. Mention to her that you're meeting up with other women so she knows and doesn't get tied up too quick or gets shocked if she see's you and another girl at a restaurant. Also ask her if she's meeting up with anyone else, you might be surprised with the answer Sounds like you already know which girl is better though. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I multidated all of last summer. Had dated many girls at once. It was exhausting and expensive, but at the same time quite fun. I was in your exact predicament, too. Two great women whom had a lot going for them. I definitely wanted both, but I know I couldn't have both. I think I dated them simultaneously for about... 3.5months? They both "knew" that the other existed, but they didn't know I was seeing them. One just knew I took professional dancing lessons with X, and the other knew that I had a friend named Y whom occasionally went to big social gatherings with. Nothing more than that. Eventually one just played herself out of the picture. The one that I eventually let go kept telling me prior to meeting X that she didn't want to label our relationship. That she knew she wanted to be with me, but wasn't ready to be gf/bf. So as I started to see X more and more, I cared less and less about being in a relationship with Y. Eventually Y told me she loved me, saw us having kids together, etc., but I was already beyond that. I wasn't going to accept her at this point because she waited so long. So I got rid of her and started to date X permanently. Best decision I ever made. I did tell X that same month that I got rid of Y. I didn't tell her that I dated her, I just told her that Y confessed she had feelings for me and it wasn't fair to X that I would continue to befriend Y while she felt this way about me. X completely understood what I meant and was happy to hear it. I think she was happy to hear I would no longer communicate with Y-- regardless of what she thought our relationship actually was. Sorry for the long story. I just thought I would share in case you were wondering of what kind of things can come of multidating for a long time. It becomes a hassle to have to juggle both at the same time and not have them find out about each other. The fact that after about 3 months, you still wanted both women, is a red flag. Of you were REALLY into a girl you wouldn't have trouble deciding between her and nail her girl. Feelings don't work like that when you meet "that person" who you fall the hardest for. I tried multi dating last year and I tell you, as soon as I found a guy I fell hard for, I quit seeing other people. There is no competition or questions in my mind "who to choose" when I meet the guy who I am REALLY into! 3
angel.eyes Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) Your choice to multi-date beyond one or two dates will determine who sticks around and who flakes on you. So, to a certain extent, it depends on what you want out of dating. Am I the only one that finds this odd? Surely its not about weighing them up, making lists and taking the better option... if you are doing this then I would say neither are right.. Id have thought even if you were multi-dating if that special one walked in you would shut the others down.. Agreed. When my boyfriend met me, he dropped everyone like a hot potato. He had no interest in "messing things up." It's part of the reason I took him seriously and focused on him instead of others. Edited June 12, 2014 by angel.eyes 2
Leigh 87 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Am I the only one that finds this odd? Surely its not about weighing them up, making lists and taking the better option... if you are doing this then I would say neither are right.. Id have thought even if you were multi-dating if that special one walked in you would shut the others down.. My thoughts exactly. When my bf met me and my friends bf met her, neither of them could even conceive that they should date another woman. Or women. That's the way I roll. The guys who are with me are smitten and too interested in me to go on dates with others:sick: Most men won't think I'm that special and the will indeed want to multidate. However, I wait for the rare few men who on want to focus on me by DEFAULT. 1
Joaquin Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Sometimes with multi dating you just end up having sex with different people at the same time. Its ok and good times, but you can't pretend your actually looking for a relationship with any of them when all your really doing is shagging around.... having sex with different people at the same time.
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I usually give it two, three MAX dates before deciding whether to proceed, and if I become sexually intimate with anyone it's time to cut the rest loose.
dichotomy Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 More or less what KTLA says. You always be upfront, that you are currently dating other people. This is honest and gives the person your dating the right to say no way - or maybe not get sexually - or emotionally involved with you till a decision is made to go exclusive. Its all about basic honesty. For me personally it would come down if someone was sexually involved with others - or just still dating lightly. I don't have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else - that's yucky to me. But plain old fashioned mulit dating dating is fine.... for a few dates 1
Mrin Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 The fact that after about 3 months, you still wanted both women, is a red flag. Of you were REALLY into a girl you wouldn't have trouble deciding between her and nail her girl. Feelings don't work like that when you meet "that person" who you fall the hardest for. So no offense and sorry for the generalization but I most commonly hear this argument being made by women, not men. I get it, men are far more adept at compartmentalizing things - for better or worse. Not trying to defend either side but I find it interesting that this is an argument advocated mainly by women yet, I will assert, women are far more cerebral and introspective in deciding who to fall for than men who are basically instinctual lovers. If anything you would think it would be reverse right?
jbelle6 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) So no offense and sorry for the generalization but I most commonly hear this argument being made by women, not men. I get it, men are far more adept at compartmentalizing things - for better or worse. Not trying to defend either side but I find it interesting that this is an argument advocated mainly by women yet, I will assert, women are far more cerebral and introspective in deciding who to fall for than men who are basically instinctual lovers. If anything you would think it would be reverse right? I don't know, I think Leigh is right Mrin. I have dated guys that weren't so into me, men that were pretty into me, and men that were SUPER into me. We know which is which, we may lie to ourselves if we really like the ones not into us, but we know. The ones super into us wouldn't date around anymore. I do not have an issue with multi dating though, not at all. I feel honesty is important if you plan to sleep with more than one, simply for the health issues, but other than that, have fun. I do feel if you met "the one" you'd know sooner rather than later and not have to wrack your brain or debate the merits of her versus another woman. Edited June 13, 2014 by jbelle6 2
Mrin Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I don't know, I think Leigh is right Mrin. I have dated guys that weren't so into me, men that were pretty into me, and men that were SUPER into me. We know which is which, we may lie to ourselves if we really like the ones not into us, but we know. The ones super into us wouldn't date around anymore. I do not have an issue with multi dating though, not at all. I feel honesty is important if you plan to sleep with more than one, simply for the health issues, but other than that, have fun. I do feel if you met "the one" you'd know sooner rather than later and not have to wrack your brain or debate the merits of her versus another woman. Oh I am not contesting the validity of her point as much as I don't hear men verbalize it very often. Which I find odd since I believe men operate in this manner far more than women. By nature, we are not overly analytical beasts when it comes to dating. More often than not, most men can't list ten things they adore about their loves. Instead, they just love or they do not. So you'd think it would be us XY's out there advocating what is essentially an instinctual approach. Even now, while I agreed with the concept, I'm not one to advocate it even for myself. Anyhow, I digress. I just find it an interesting contradiction.
ktya Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 So no offense and sorry for the generalization but I most commonly hear this argument being made by women, not men. I get it, men are far more adept at compartmentalizing things - for better or worse. Not trying to defend either side but I find it interesting that this is an argument advocated mainly by women yet, I will assert, women are far more cerebral and introspective in deciding who to fall for than men who are basically instinctual lovers. If anything you would think it would be reverse right? Call me jaded, but i think it is a mistake to unilaterally go exclusive as a man. When dating, women wear masks trying to put on a good impression (they adore being adored) so until you have had a talk along the lines of going exclusive or being gf/bf id be wary about going exclusive unilaterally without mutual communication. Women have so much choice and are well known to change their minds quickly and without warning. If you unilaterally go exclusive and some hot guy takes her number that she gives him and she goes googly eyed over the guy, you only have yourself to blame because she never made the same committment to you that you gave to her unilaterally and unspoken. Its part of the dating game. Closing with women is like sales. You have to put the work in, starting from the initiating contact and getting the number to keeping her engaged, flirting and eventually closing the deal. You win some, you lose some, its a numbers game. You increase your chances and reduce your likelihood of going needy by multi dating. To drop all that work on a hope and a prayer that the girl feels the same way is a total mistake IMO. If your chosen one moves on those other girls may have already met someone else or might feel slighted that you dropped off on them. If the girl knows your dating other people and wants you exclusively, she will most certainly let you know. Just watch out for the ones that get a kick out of watching you drop it off with the others then dumping you. Anyways sorry to take part in sidetracking the OPs thread.
Kid_Charlemange Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 My rule of thumb is after things become intimate, it's time for the "exclusivity" conversation. That doesn't mean we'll necessarily go there, but for me it's time to have that talk. I think as long as you are honest, then there is no real problem. That doesn't mean saying "Oh I can't see you tonight, because I'm dating Jane." A simple "I have plans" is fine. Lying is not -- "I have plans and I'm playing poker with the boys" when you're actually dating Jane would be over the line to a lot of people.
ktya Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 My rule of thumb is after things become intimate, it's time for the "exclusivity" conversation. That doesn't mean we'll necessarily go there, but for me it's time to have that talk. I think as long as you are honest, then there is no real problem. That doesn't mean saying "Oh I can't see you tonight, because I'm dating Jane." A simple "I have plans" is fine. Lying is not -- "I have plans and I'm playing poker with the boys" when you're actually dating Jane would be over the line to a lot of people. Although some women will drill down if they know you are dating other people, trying desperately to pry out of you something they dont want to hear. In which case it is always helpful to have a wingman to peg it on who knows the scoop. Saying "i have plans" with this type of girl will inevitably lead to "what are you up to". Getting mealy mouthed gives them the leverage they need to ask "with who". Having a precanned response to this pre-interrogation like, "im going to hang out with rick and play xbox" leaves no further interrogation opportunities. But by all means start with the vague so you dont have to lie. Id rather not lie myself.
Kid_Charlemange Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 But by all means start with the vague so you dont have to lie. Id rather not lie myself. Good point. It's a minefield, and of course it will vary wildly from person to person. I've dated women who really couldn't care less, and others who wanted to keep tabs on me every minute. Most fell in between. I suspect most men are the same way.
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