Wanting Out, Even Though It Hurts

[isolatedgothic]

My affair with MM is at the 5 month point. I have known this man for a long time, and have known that his marriage was less than ideal. We dated years ago, and I always felt he was “the one.” I was happy when we reconnected in January, and by March we had started the physical part of the affair, even though I know better. [i am single. Have been for 15 years.]

 

 

He has said all along that he needs to divorce. However, the excuses mount daily as to why he cannot. He does not want to part with half of his finances. He had to wait till his child got married [that happened 2 months ago, so that’s over.] He wants to wait till her father dies so that he can tell her that she can keep her inheritance in exchange for letting him keep what he earned during their lengthy marriage. I have urged him, as have other family members of his, that the longer you stay, the more you drag out the inevitable, and its best to leave now and take the hit in order to be happy in the second half of your life.

 

 

A few nights ago, he told me that his reason for not going ahead and filing is that he cannot decide which attorney to use. He says he wants the best. I told him that it won’t matter which attorney he uses. The law is the law, and all attorneys will make him follow what the law for our state dictates. You cannot hide assets, even though he thinks he can.

 

 

Last night, he told me that he cannot file now because his wife’s father is very ill and close to passing away. He said anyone with any human decency would not ask him to file when FIL is so close to death. He said his wife is being very emotional and he has to be there for her.

 

 

I do have human decency. In fact, I feel it isn't decent that we hide an affair from his wife while her father is dying. Even if he wasn't dying, hiding an affair is the ultimate lack of human decency. I feel horrible and want to stop now. I find myself feeling worse for her than for him. According to him, she has lived with her dad for years, she has all her mail forwarded there, and they haven’t slept together in years. Not an ideal marriage if this is true, yet he has stayed. Big question mark.

 

 

However, he is guilting me into not leaving him. I lack human decency, of course, because I want him to leave while FIL is ill. He says I will never find a love like what we have [and sometimes, I hope I never do. This is so wrong, so sick, so selfish.] I told him that he needed to make the best decision for him, and if that means staying, then that is exactly what he needs to do. However, I also reserve the right to make the best decision for me, and that means I will not continue this affair. At the same time, I do not want him divorcing because I say so, because that will set me up for years of resentment [“because of you, I love all my savings, because of you, her family hates me, because of you, I left when the FIL and wife needed me the most.] He says if I leave him, I will force his hand and he will be forced to file while FIL is ill and his wife is mourning.

 

 

Is this typical? Are MM usually selfish and want their needs met and don’t care so much about yours? “I love you” seems very hypocritical now. I feel horrible about myself. I cannot do this. He is also mad at me because 5 months ago, I was willing to participate, and I do not want to anymore. He doesn't understand why I changed, or how my heart is so knotted up and I just want the knot to stop.

 

 

He said last night that he wasn't sure our temperaments matched up. I told him I am not asking for him to marry me. I am only asking that we not lead a secret life any longer. [if our temperaments might not match up, why are we sexually intimate then? Shouldn't that come to a screeching halt if he is questioning my temperament?]

 

 

How do you extract yourself without burning every bridge, or is that simply inevitable? Is it inevitable that he and I will not be together, even if the day comes he ever does divorce? [i am not so sure I want him. What he is doing to her, he could do to me. Who wants to live with that over their head?] What is the best way to handle this, assuming that I might have a shred of human decency left, in spite of what he says? Am I truly stuck because 5 months ago I was okay with this, and now I am not?

Edited June 12, 2014 by isolatedgothic

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I find it rather manipulative for him to say that is you leave him it will force him to leave his wife while her father is dying. And that somehow his choices are your fault. If he leaves her it is because he made the choice to leave.

 

I do believe to expose the affair right now while dad is dying is a bit harsh, but what should really happen is that you both split, go no contact until he sorts out his affairs and figures our what he really wants, he can contact you when the divorce is final.

 

I wouldn't give him ultimatums because that is forcing his hand, you have to just be clear and say that this type of relationship isn't working for you. That you deserve someone single.

 

Then break it off and treat it like a real breakup because the reality is that he may never come back to you.

 

I can imagine this is terribly painful with all the broken promises. Waiting and waiting and after being single for 15 years.

 

What I am curious of is why you were single for so long and then when you make a choice to connect to someone, you choose someone who is taken and therefore deeming you still single? I am sure that psychologists could come to conclusion that you fear real intimacy and only make choices that land you in a place that avoids real connection?

[whichwayisup]

He making every excuse as to why he can't and won't leave his wife. He even said your temperaments aren't matched up. Why even bother hanging onto someone who isn't willing to do everything possible to be together full time?

 

He is interested in having an affair with you, that's it. He isn't leaving.

 

You have two choices, either continue being his OW and stay in the affair as it is now, or you walk away for good.

[Hope Shimmers]

He wants to wait till her father dies so that he can tell her that she can keep her inheritance in exchange for letting him keep what he earned during their lengthy marriage.

 

Not only is this guy pulling out every excuse in the book and then some, he's even fabricating excuses that have no legal basis. In most places (in the US anyway), an inheritance, before OR after the marriage, is considered separate property, not marital property. So in the case of a divorce she gets to keep her inheritance AND gets half the marital assets. He has no claim on her inheritance so he doesn't get to use that as a bargaining weapon to keep all the marital assets in a divorce.

 

I have urged him, as have other family members of his, that the longer you stay, the more you drag out the inevitable, and its best to leave now and take the hit in order to be happy in the second half of your life.

 

You should stop 'urging' him. Your putting pressure on him to leave will never, ever bode well for you in a relationship with him later.

 

He said anyone with any human decency would not ask him to file when FIL is so close to death.

 

"... would not ask him to file". There is your proof (as if you needed it) that he is feeling pressured into doing something he does not want to do.

 

He says if I leave him, I will force his hand and he will be forced to file while FIL is ill and his wife is mourning.

 

Wow. And there's your proof that YOU will be the one to blame no matter what he does. Talk about manipulation!

 

Is this typical? Are MM usually selfish and want their needs met and don’t care so much about yours?

 

I actually laughed when I read this (not laughing at you... just because it is SO TYPICAL).

 

Am I truly stuck because 5 months ago I was okay with this, and now I am not?

 

You are so totally NOT stuck. He is the one who is married. You have every right to walk away. Whatever decisions he makes are HIS, not on you. But do not keep pressuring him to leave his marriage. He needs to do that completely on his own, without you in the picture. Because even if he does divorce right now, you can bet that everything will be blamed on you. He's already said that to your face.

 

I agree with WWIU in that you truly only have 2 choices: 1) keep on in the affair; or 2) walk away. If you pick #1, be prepared for that to be the situation long-term or forever.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Consider yourself lucky that it was only 5 months though - I was stupid enough to stay in a similar situation for almost twice that long in YEARS.

[isolatedgothic]

Thank you, posters, for what you have said. I appreciate the support and the validation and the understanding. I am not feeling so supportive of myself right now, but thank you.

 

So if I am pressuring him to leave/divorce, how do I stop this? I want to stop the affair cold. I would like to think that some day he will leave and he will choose to be with me. I also know it will probably never happen, because I feel he is going to view me as the bad guy with the bad temperament. He says if I leave, I will force his hand, so I don't know how to stop forcing him to divorce his wife.

 

What can I possibly say or do at this point?

[veryhappy]

I only want to touch on the non sentimental stuff.

 

 

The reddest flag of all is him wanting to hide assets in the divorce and rob his wife financially. While I can understand affairs of the heart can be blurry an relationships overlap, if she hasn't been horrific and I mean horrific, his nothing but a POS and this trait of him will come back to affect you as well. You're more likely to get a reformed guy who only cheated because he was in a bad place. This guy will not change and you are in for a lot of hurt if you do end up together. My advice is looking at it coldly and realize he's no material for an honest relationship.

[gettingstronger]

You should not worry about how your actions affect him- he's a grown adult and should be able to act on his own-

 

You should worry about how your actions affect you- whats best for you regardless of its impact on him- he is only worried about himself, no one else-

 

Time to get a little selfish about you-do whats best for you- IMO its leaving this relationship that is so uneven-but you have to decide-is this what you want-to be the "bad guy" in a relationship because your partner tells you that you are-in the long run, with all of the hurdles of life, is this the role you are willing to play?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thank you, posters, for what you have said. I appreciate the support and the validation and the understanding. I am not feeling so supportive of myself right now, but thank you.

 

So if I am pressuring him to leave/divorce, how do I stop this? I want to stop the affair cold. I would like to think that some day he will leave and he will choose to be with me. I also know it will probably never happen, because I feel he is going to view me as the bad guy with the bad temperament. He says if I leave, I will force his hand, so I don't know how to stop forcing him to divorce his wife.

 

What can I possibly say or do at this point?

 

Honestly, there is a very good chance he is just making excuses and leading you on. I am not sure how much of it he actually believes himself, but really, if he wanted to be with you, he would sort it out.

 

I do understand if he is scared and I do understand him not wanting to drop the bomb on his wife while her dad is dying. Perhaps he is unclear about inheritance laws? I don't know how much he purposely leading you on since I think it is likely he too is scared and confused, but the reality is that he seems to keep coming up with one excuse after the other which tells me that he just doesn't have the guys to ever follow through, and the reality is that most married men never leave their wives no matter what they say to you. I find it so wimpy that so many men are like this.

 

Anyways, the way you cut it off is extremely painful but very simple.

 

You politely send him a note saying that you need to cut off contact so that you can be free to pursue a committed relationship with someone who is single and that you need the space to heal. If you want you can say to him that he can contact you should he divorce ever, but my concern with that is that if you leave that door open, it is you who will wait for him to contact, and the likelihood is he won't. So I don't think he need to say that at all. He knows that if he divorces he can contact you, so it doesn't need to be said.

 

Then, you change your number, you set a filter to delete all of his incoming emails, you block him everywhere online. He knows where you live? Should he divorce he can leave a note. But nothing short of that can bring you back,

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, posters, for what you have said. I appreciate the support and the validation and the understanding. I am not feeling so supportive of myself right now, but thank you.

 

So if I am pressuring him to leave/divorce, how do I stop this? I want to stop the affair cold. I would like to think that some day he will leave and he will choose to be with me. I also know it will probably never happen, because I feel he is going to view me as the bad guy with the bad temperament. He says if I leave, I will force his hand, so I don't know how to stop forcing him to divorce his wife.

 

What can I possibly say or do at this point?

 

A 5 month affair vs a long marriage with grown kids, a history and families entwined. What would you do if it was you cheating on your husband and you had an OM on the side? Would you really be willing to give up everything that you know, change your whole life for someone you've had an affair with for less than 6 months? Deal with the fallout, the total life change?

 

You get no say in what he does or doesn't do with his marriage. IF he is ready to move on and start over he will do it. People who want to divorce, do. They make it happen, especially if husband and wife want that divorce. IN your situation it seems like this is all lip service and he has no intention of divorcing and starting over with you.

 

How do you stop? Just stop. Don't push, don't ask questions or give advice to him about his marriage and what he should do. You tell him you're done and you deserve a man who loves only you and to be treated kindly and with love and respect. That you deserve a man who isn't a cheater and a liar. A man that you can rely on. He isn't that guy. He isn't yours, he never was.

 

I hope you find it in you to say goodbye and cut him out of your life. Worry about yourself, not him and how he'll deal with this when you end it. He's a grown man, not a child.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I only want to touch on the non sentimental stuff.

 

 

The reddest flag of all is him wanting to hide assets in the divorce and rob his wife financially. While I can understand affairs of the heart can be blurry an relationships overlap, if she hasn't been horrific and I mean horrific, his nothing but a POS and this trait of him will come back to affect you as well. You're more likely to get a reformed guy who only cheated because he was in a bad place. This guy will not change and you are in for a lot of hurt if you do end up together. My advice is looking at it coldly and realize he's no material for an honest relationship.

 

Very good point. Truthfully he sounds like a rather manipulative person!

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

When I told Mm he should tell his wife, he started going on about how ILL his FIL was. He went on how bad he felt and that he could die anytime. The more I talked about US the more he mentioned the FIL. It turned out to be as lie!! He was ill but he recovered but i only found that out at year 5 stupid me. U would never believe someone could lie about that but of course if you think about it, it stops you telling the wife too. Not saying this is definitely the case but just be aware,

 

 

Oh man! Yes, and seeing how manipulative this guy already is about finances, he most definitely could be lying about the FIL just so the wife doesn't get contacted out of pity!! How sneaky.

[A.Moscote]

What can I possibly say or do at this point?

Be strong and patient IG, obviously you have to struggle against you own emotions through out this trying period. Admittedly it is not an easy task, especially considering that we don't have total control on our emotions.

 

What is a bit easier perhaps, is try not to meet him, avoid being in the same place with him. In other words, cut off the sex or any physical intimacy between you and him. Tell him that you can continue that relationship again once he has left his wife.

 

I think that would be a good starting point for either way, whether to push him to work on his divorce, or to start detach yourself from him. I really hope for the later, because from you posts, I know you are better person, much better than him. In fact, not many threads mention so much on moral and decency, mostly just emphasis on self-serving for whatever decision they choose (not implying that is all wrong however).

 

Be optimist, you'll see your way through eventually.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He is terribly manipulative. His wife's inheritance will not be considered in their divorce settlement, so he's lying about that as well! I say you push him more if you want to see the real him! Then maybe cutting things off won't be so hard!

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you, posters, for what you have said. I appreciate the support and the validation and the understanding. I am not feeling so supportive of myself right now, but thank you.

 

So if I am pressuring him to leave/divorce, how do I stop this? I want to stop the affair cold. I would like to think that some day he will leave and he will choose to be with me. I also know it will probably never happen, because I feel he is going to view me as the bad guy with the bad temperament. He says if I leave, I will force his hand, so I don't know how to stop forcing him to divorce his wife.

 

What can I possibly say or do at this point?

 

Think about why he would tell you that you are "forcing his hand". There is really only one explanation, whether he is doing it intentionally/strategically or not (and I believe he is, based on other characteristics you have mentioned about him). He said it to manipulate you into staying exactly where he wanted you to stay. And it worked, because now you are hesitating about doing what YOU want to do because of what he said!

 

First of all, I sincerely doubt he will divorce her if you walk away. It was said only to get you to do what he wants. But even if he does, it's not your concern. You can tell him that you are done being in a secretive relationship with him, especially with his wife in such a difficult position with her father. Tell him you need some space and not to contact you until he has everything worked out the way he wants it. Tell him you want nothing to do with affecting his marriage in any way and refuse to accept his blame.

 

He's a big boy and whatever he does is on him. If he chooses to feel that you are "forcing him" to do anything just because of your leaving a situation that is not in your best interest, then that is HIS problem. Not yours. You didn't sign a contract with him to live like this forever. (However, he did sign a contract with his wife to be loyal to her).

 

What cutedragon said makes a lot of sense. His efforts to hide marital assets from his wife speak volumes about his character, and not in a good way. His thinking that "he" has worked all his life to earn these assets and therefore feels that they are his, is flawed. That is not the way marriage works. The presumption (legally) is that both parties contribute to the marriage, either financially or in other ways and thus are both entitled to share equally the assets collected during the marriage. If he let her not contribute (which I also doubt), then again, that was his decision and his problem and she is still entitled to half as long as they were married.

 

If he truly was thinking about you in ANY way, he would never have said what he did about you "forcing his hand". It was nothing but selfish manipulation. If he were a real man and cared for you the way you deserve, he would acknowledge that he is not able to meet your needs and he would step aside in the interest of doing what's best for YOU since HE decided to stay married.

 

Just yuck... these men make me so mad.

[GoBlue]

Worrying about "burning the bridge" is going to keep you in a relationship you shouldn't be in anyway. Burning the bridge is the way to get out. Why would you want a relationship with a man who is cheating on his wife anyway? What happens when the relationship between the two of you begins to deteriorate? Finally, the answer to your question is "yes" - any married man involved outside of his marriage is very selfish. How about the one involved with the married man........

[SoftViolin]

I agree with a lot of the above posters. I agree that you shouldn't ask him to leave, and you shouldn't be around waiting to see if he does. You've mentioned this yourself briefly, but here are your choices:

 

1) He leaves his wife now at your behest, with FIL allegedly in a bad condition. He loses half of his savings, his house. If his manipulative (and forgive me, but borderline psychopath with the way he is playing you AND his wife) behavior is any indication, he will indeed blame you for the duration of your relationship, for all the things he had to give up.

 

2) You both wait it out for a convenient moment for him to leave, whether you stay together through it or not. Let's imagine he leaves. No FIL drama, but imagine this: you will be together with such a man that you no longer trust. As you said yourself, he did this to his partner of many years, why not you? He won't have finances or kids to lose any more. Perhaps in the bottom of your heart you realize that what he is doing is not love. Love should not make you feel so alone, so unprotected and uncertain. If and when he leaves, you might just realize that with all the drama of unattainable love removed from it, he is left standing for what he is - a small, manipulative man.

 

3) And here's your last option: he never leaves. Despite you threatening to leave, he will continue pushing it, trying to see if he can play on your love for him: if you leave now, you will force my hand. What he really means is: I will tell you anything to make you feel that I'm almost there, almost divorced, so you will stay with me longer. He might not have any intention of leaving. Ties of the familiar are very strong sometimes. Do you want to stick around to find out just how strong?

 

I apologize if any of this sounded strong-worded; it was meant with the kindest intention. I've been in very very similar situation myself, so I can empathize probably with every feeling in this maddening spectrum. These men are all different, but yet in many ways they are all the same. So the answer is yes, he really is that selfish. He really is after his own interests. You really need to find strength to break free. You really can just leave. You don't owe him any words of explanation. Some closure seems important right now, but it is just lost time, which you realize when the fog clears.

 

Best of luck to you!

[jwi71]

He has said all along that he needs to divorce. However, the excuses mount daily as to why he cannot.

 

Well done to not only recognize the excuses but to name them as such.

 

He does not want to part with half of his finances.

Duh. However, that is stereotypically the case. I say stereotypically in a sneering fashion really - he needs NOT part with half - that's up to his stbxw, and, if they can't work it out, the judge.

 

He had to wait till his child got married [that happened 2 months ago, so that’s over.]

Actually, I can kinda see this one - not wanting to spoil the day by announcing the D - which, no matter the age of children, will be hard for them.

 

He wants to wait till her father dies so that he can tell her that she can keep her inheritance in exchange for letting him keep what he earned during their lengthy marriage.

First, he's a Douche Canoe.

 

Next, HER inheritance is NOT up for splitting in the D - community property state or not. He has ZERO claim to it. Period. Inherited money is the sole property of the person receiving it. This is utter BS from him.

 

And he KNOWS it. No WAY a lawyer didn't advise him of this otherwise. Which begs the question - WHO is his lawyer? Have you asked? Seen papers? Anything other than his words?

 

I have urged him, as have other family members of his, that the longer you stay, the more you drag out the inevitable, and its best to leave now and take the hit in order to be happy in the second half of your life.

But the money!

And if you listen closely...he is TELLING YOU exactly what he values the most...a life free of the W and free to, presumably, pursue you - or his money.

 

A few nights ago, he told me that his reason for not going ahead and filing is that he cannot decide which attorney to use. He says he wants the best. I told him that it won’t matter which attorney he uses. The law is the law, and all attorneys will make him follow what the law for our state dictates. You cannot hide assets, even though he thinks he can.

Oh...another MM who "wants" out yet can't even bother to HIRE a lawyer.

Does this strike you as odd a man who says he wants out, has a list of excuses...and NO lawyer hired. HE wants the best (and you can bet you'll soon hear how he cant afford the best - so he'll stay M to protect his...yes, money".

 

I bet you wont find that on a Hallmark card anytime soon.

 

Last night, he told me that he cannot file now because his wife’s father is very ill and close to passing away. He said anyone with any human decency would not ask him to file when FIL is so close to death. He said his wife is being very emotional and he has to be there for her.

And then tell her she keep her inheritance if he can keep all the assets acquired in the M - nice guy.

 

I do have human decency. In fact, I feel it isn't decent that we hide an affair from his wife while her father is dying. Even if he wasn't dying, hiding an affair is the ultimate lack of human decency. I feel horrible and want to stop now.

So stop.

 

I find myself feeling worse for her than for him. According to him, she has lived with her dad for years, she has all her mail forwarded there, and they haven’t slept together in years. Not an ideal marriage if this is true, yet he has stayed. Big question mark.

I feel bad for you both.

So, this means you are free to visit his home whenever YOU choose - anytime, day or night? Unannounced?

 

And good on you for seeing through the BS - if it doesn't make sense to you - its a red flag. And you have plenty of red flags that YOU acknowledge.

 

And ignore.

 

However, he is guilting me into not leaving him.

YOUR excuse.

Does one truly feel guilty while CONTINUING to engage in the behaviors one claims makes them feel guilty?

 

I lack human decency, of course, because I want him to leave while FIL is ill. He says I will never find a love like what we have [and sometimes, I hope I never do. This is so wrong, so sick, so selfish.] I told him that he needed to make the best decision for him, and if that means staying, then that is exactly what he needs to do. However, I also reserve the right to make the best decision for me, and that means I will not continue this affair. At the same time, I do not want him divorcing because I say so, because that will set me up for years of resentment [“because of you, I love all my savings, because of you, her family hates me, because of you, I left when the FIL and wife needed me the most.] He says if I leave him, I will force his hand and he will be forced to file while FIL is ill and his wife is mourning.

WAit, wait, wait.

You will force his hand into filing while FIL is sick?

 

Do you not begin to see how this guy manipulates EVERYONE?

And the best manipulators are the best liars.

 

I'd call him on it. "File now or lose me forever".

 

Watch how he turns that back on you.

 

Is this typical? Are MM usually selfish and want their needs met and don’t care so much about yours?

Very.

You have already sniffed out some of his lies - and you have replied you see the manipulations - THIS is who you want?

 

What makes you think he won;t treat YOU the same way?

What words and actions can YOU point to that say "He's changed".

 

He said last night that he wasn't sure our temperaments matched up. I told him I am not asking for him to marry me. I am only asking that we not lead a secret life any longer. [if our temperaments might not match up, why are we sexually intimate then? Shouldn't that come to a screeching halt if he is questioning my temperament?]

Instead of worry about HIM leading a secret life - why don't YOU stop leading one?

 

How do you extract yourself without burning every bridge, or is that simply inevitable? Is it inevitable that he and I will not be together, even if the day comes he ever does divorce? [i am not so sure I want him. What he is doing to her, he could do to me. Who wants to live with that over their head?] What is the best way to handle this, assuming that I might have a shred of human decency left, in spite of what he says? Am I truly stuck because 5 months ago I was okay with this, and now I am not?

No comment because you already have the answers - you are just to scared to face them.

 

Take a deep breath. Relax. And think. You have the brains for this. You already sense it - trust those senses.

[Scorpio Chick]

Well, if you're stuck, then so is his wife.

 

He's lying, probably about everything, but at this point, the biggest lie is he's married and cheating on his wife. Someone else, hell, A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE on here, have posted AS THE BETRAYED SPOUSE, about hearing of what the cheating spouse was telling the affair partner and they were shocked.

 

Also, if they haven't slept together in years and she's been living with her father and not her husband, then legally, they've separated. They have, if he's telling the truth, been living NOT as man and wife.

 

I COULDN'T be with a man who told me he wanted to screw his wife out of half his earnings, and wanted to hide assets. And he's saying that as he's literally screwing around on her too.

 

You already answered your own questions, so I took your post as a much-needed venting.

 

I got out of my stupid 'encounter', emotional affair (never got physical) after 3 months. Like you, I quickly started thinking about his wife and thinking how easily he was betraying her and clearly wasn't feeling guilty about it. He was doing what was fun for him ONLY. His wife and I didn't have any needs or wants.

 

No, not only should you end it, because you can't go backwards now (like, into a friendship, because a friend doesn't use you like this) but you are right, even if he divorces, it's not going to work for you too. Your feelings you expressed right here are clearly already to such a degree that you're not going to UNthink them, they're still going to be true even if he divorces.

 

And burning a bridge? Light the match, throw it, and burn that bridge and blow it a kiss goodbye. You'll go through a short period of grief, and then you'll thank your lucky stars you came out of it unscathed in any other way. I only hope the same is true for his wife, and I hope for her sake, he's earned a nice living that she'll get half of. That's the mother of his children and he has no qualms about screwing her over, in any way he can.

[latergater]

 

How do you extract yourself without burning every bridge, or is that simply inevitable? Is it inevitable that he and I will not be together, even if the day comes he ever does divorce? [i am not so sure I want him. What he is doing to her, he could do to me. Who wants to live with that over their head?] What is the best way to handle this, assuming that I might have a shred of human decency left, in spite of what he says? Am I truly stuck because 5 months ago I was okay with this, and now I am not?

 

You have every right to change your mind about the way you feel and whether or not you want to be involved with someone or not. He's being a five year old selfish child about things and clearly it's because he doesn't want to lose his mistress. Life is good for the fellow - he gets to stay married and he gets to stay with you. All you require is a bit of maintenance and being fed some excuses every so often, to keep you invested and coming back for more. You are working on one thing .. hope. And, there is NO hope. This guy is NOT leaving. Bottom line. No matter what he says, he's not going to divorce his wife. Trust me on this -- if it hasn't happened by now, it isn't going to happen! How many excuses and reasons have there been? 20? 25? Oh and tomorrow will be sunny -- that's another excuse, it's too nice out to ruin her day. Cmon .. you know this!

[WasOtherWoman]

Don't you want a man , not a boy? Someone who takes an inventory of his life and makes appropriate decisions? Decisions that he does not try to blame on someone else?

 

This is pretty textbook MM, all the excuses in the book as to why he cannot leave. I'm sorry you're going through this. If you read the stories on here you will find many are exactly like this. And either the married man or the other woman and up ending the relationship.

 

Don't let him string you along. Walk away and don't look back. Let him follow you if he really wants you.

[WakingUp]

the longer you stay, the more you drag out the inevitable, and its best to leave now and take the hit in order to be happy in the second half of your life.

 

 

I really like this quote from your opening post... but turn it around and apply it to yourself.

 

 

Don't stay in the affair. You will lose yourself.

[JL123]

Your post so resonated with me. There are so many similarities! My MM couldn't leave because of x, y, z. We were 6 months in when I said I wanted to call it quits because I wanted a full-time relationship, out in the open, not part-time. I was tired of not being able to call him when I wanted to or see him on weekends. I was ready to take the next step since we "loved" each other so much.

 

He said the SAME thing to me: why was I ok with having an A for 6 months but now I am not? I felt that the way we found each other and the path we took were not ideal, but I accept the mistakes I made. That said, I was ready to live an honest, open life and wanted to be real and true to myself. That meant no more lies, no more sneaking around. That was a real turning point for me because it showed me that he had no intention of changing.

 

It was hard at first getting over the loneliness and I missed his affection more than anything. But when I think about him saying he loved me, all I can think is: He loved having 2 women - one to take care of the house/kids and one to be there for him at a moment's notice, always looking her best, always willing to do something fun, always laughing at his stupid jokes, always willing to have sex. He didn't love ME - he loved what I brought to him. A break from his reality. And it showed me how lazy he was in his marriage. If he could put that much effort into sneaking away with me, why couldn't he put that effort towards fixing what was wrong in his marriage, or manning up and letting his wife go so she could live the rest of her life with someone who wanted to be there 100%.

 

We have only been in NC a very short time. I don't know if you can even call it NC because he is texting me daily. I cannot change my number because it is tied to my work accounts. However, I have not responded to one single text. And I will not respond.

 

Over the last couple of weeks, I went out on several dates with single, available men. I was not overly impressed and decided dating was not for me right now. I was placing too much pressure on myself to replace what was gone. And then all of a sudden, I met someone that I really like (so far). We are going on our second date tonight and I am excited! It is so nice to have that butterfly, excited feeling for someone again. Someone that is not married and sharing a bed and a whole life with someone else.

 

I will likely continue to read stories on here to keep reminding me of what A's cause. It served a purpose in my life and now, I do not need it anymore, and I am thankful. I hope that you determine what is important to you and what you are willing to sacrifice for a relationship. I decided at this point in my life, I am not settling!

 

Thanks again to everyone for sharing your stories!