Nimbus4dt Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Hi, split up after an abusive relationship with a believed narcissistic lady, still massively tormented by it all, been to counseling for 4 months and still not really any better. During the relationship she fell pregnant and had a termination (abortion) now I have been strict NC for 42 days but feel that I should at least send a card to her saying I was "thinking of her" on the babies due date. I don't wish to text, phone or see her and I don't wish to hear from her as I still have a huge attraction for her and strong feelings despite the relationship being how it was (call me mad!!!) But am mindful that she will be having a very tough day (well I suspect she will, she may not!!??) I certainly will be having a very tough day, it's bad enough now and a month to go. But it will be a pained day I suspect for both. Any other options, ideas?? I did think to put something on FB, despite her being blocked she would see it via a friends account I suspect so by making it "public" she would know. I however don't wish for it to lead to her getting in contact which it may, not for the right reasons anyway, more through grief than reconciliation but suspect she wouldn't anyway.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 If you don't want to reconcile don't send the card. Grieve seperately.
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 If you believe you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, then counseling and all the material that you have come across that helped you ascertain that she may be one would point to you that the only way to heal yourself from such a relationship is to go absolutely NO CONTACT. One of the most difficult things about this type of relationship is the inability for the dumpee to let go, hence you finding a reason to break contact. She has family and friends that will help her through her grief. You focus on grieving and healing using your own support group. And if you are aware of some of the traits of narcissism, you know she's not thinking about how you are feeling. So, best for you to turn the focus inward and start prioritizing your own journey. 1
Author Nimbus4dt Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks Zahara, sound advice and something I should adhere to. She has no family near but has a friends so they can look after her and I shall do my own thing then. Both my counsellor and myself believe she has most traits, and as you stated, yes, it is the most difficult situation to extract oneself from, I thought life got easier as you got older!!!!! Do Narc's grief a loss??? I would be sure they do and also the added attention to them would help, one thing I did notice after the abortion or maybe I was just being slightly cold hearted at the time. Thanks
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks Zahara, sound advice and something I should adhere to. She has no family near but has a friends so they can look after her and I shall do my own thing then. Both my counsellor and myself believe she has most traits, and as you stated, yes, it is the most difficult situation to extract oneself from, I thought life got easier as you got older!!!!! Do Narc's grief a loss??? I would be sure they do and also the added attention to them would help, one thing I did notice after the abortion or maybe I was just being slightly cold hearted at the time. Thanks Having been in a relationship that felt narcissistic as well, and having read and gone to therapy to help detach from it, from what is researched, they do feel a level of loss and grief but not in the deep sense that we feel. It's often said that narcs have shallow feelings. I don't know how she feels about her abortion but what I do know is that they can switch off and move on very fast. Again, because their emotions have no real depth so it's easy to detach and move on. In any case, you can't be consoling her or sending out thoughts to her everytime you feel she may need a shoulder. The priority now is you and what you need to do for yourself to heal from this. 1
Author Nimbus4dt Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Yes the move on very "fast" is apt, she'd moved on before even dumping me!! I know she was devastated re abortion, she attended counseling three times then said she was over it, the counsellor was rubbish etc etc. Oh how it will come around one day and bite her on her big wide arse!!! lol Thanks for your input. Not too many people seem to be aware of this style of relationship, don't wish it on anyone ever!
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Yes the move on very "fast" is apt, she'd moved on before even dumping me!! I know she was devastated re abortion, she attended counseling three times then said she was over it, the counsellor was rubbish etc etc. Oh how it will come around one day and bite her on her big wide arse!!! lol Thanks for your input. Not too many people seem to be aware of this style of relationship, don't wish it on anyone ever! It can be very damaging emotionally and mentally. The good thing is that you're out of it and you must remain out of it. I remember speaking to my counselor about therapy for someone that is highly narcissistic. She mentioned that most time therapy doesn't help because the session is often manipulated for their benefit. They find no value in it, this stemming from their inability to self-reflect.
Author Nimbus4dt Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Yes, I suggested it to my ex before we split as she had a very keen interest in what was being talked about, constantly questioning me re discussions had. When I mentioned I was happy for her to come, she shut off, couldn't get time off work etc etc counseling was rubbish etc etc. She was the one who suggested i had the problem and should go, turns out I do have a problem, it was her!!! And of course codependency…!!! I stated to the counsellor when she asked if my ex would come in, that she wouldn't get any sense at all out of her, the mask would be put on and i suspected that she'd be sweetness and light, blame everything on me if push came to shove!!! Like you say, best out of it, such a shame as at the start was the most stunning person I'd ever met (and I'm 43, so met a few!) but we all know it wasn't real!!!
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Yes, I suggested it to my ex before we split as she had a very keen interest in what was being talked about, constantly questioning me re discussions had. When I mentioned I was happy for her to come, she shut off, couldn't get time off work etc etc counseling was rubbish etc etc. She was the one who suggested i had the problem and should go, turns out I do have a problem, it was her!!! And of course codependency…!!! I stated to the counsellor when she asked if my ex would come in, that she wouldn't get any sense at all out of her, the mask would be put on and i suspected that she'd be sweetness and light, blame everything on me if push came to shove!!! Like you say, best out of it, such a shame as at the start was the most stunning person I'd ever met (and I'm 43, so met a few!) but we all know it wasn't real!!! My ex did the same thing. Keen about therapy and when it came time for it, he disregarded it and called it a waste of time. Keep working on yourself. Go to your sessions dilligently. 1
FortunateSon Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Must be a common theme here, my ex suggested I needed counseling before our first break up, I went, I was asked to bring her along to the third session, she bailed from the relationship completely. Also happened during our final breakup, I suggested counseling, set up an appointment as a last gasp effort to salvage our engagement and she checked out again. Later I was given the feedback and saw the signs that she more than likely has borderline personality disorder and/or possibly narcissistic personality disorder. Go figure. 1
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