Boiling point...

[giotto]

Fast forward....kids are grown. I am in my sexual prime!!! So excited to empty nest and enjoy my sexual relationship with my husband with no kiddos knocking on that door!!!!

Guess what!?!?! Hubby has porn induced erectile dysfunction! His mind is programmed/wired for porn, he can go all day on porn but limp noodle with me.

To my dismay, my empty nester/sexual primed years will be spent with the 13-year old in the basement with knickers around his ankles utilizing that box of Kleenex! (Figuratively)

Hindsight....I would have stopped that nonsense 15 years ago!

 

well, you were too late or you married an idiot... But I loved the "limp noodle" image...

Edited June 13, 2014 by giotto

[giotto]

This wouldn't be the cause of alcoholism.

 

 

it was... I know the guy...

[oldshirt]

But he isn't saying this. He is saying he is using porn so much BECAUSE his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. So it is a poor substitute.

 

he is saying he realizes he is using porn too much and that it isn't helping the issue. He has even been implying has an addiction. If that is true then it doesn't matter why he's doing the porn in his own mind. Just like for an alcoholic, it doesn't matter what excuse they use to justify their drinking, they still need to stop.

 

And I really disagree about your assumptions about his wife and her views on his porn use. I have never thought poorly of any man that I have been with watching porn. It doesn't bother me. For all you know his wife is HAPPY he is watching poor because he can get his needs met that way and she doesn't have to actively confront the issue of their sex life.

 

you may not think you have a "problem" with your man using porn. And if you are still getting what you want out of him you may tolerate it to a degree. However way deep down, you still lose a certain amount of respect and admiration for him when he does it. How much you lose will depend on bow much he does it and how he acts otherwise

 

 

It gets him off her back so she can focus on other things.

 

YES! And that's the problem. A mother of newborns and young children will always focus on those 'other things' to the complete exclusion of her husband if he lets her. If left to her own devices, many mothers would never have sex untill the kids were grown and out of the house. Since he is draining the tank with porn, he is allowing her to replace him in bed with the child and allowing her to just throw him an occasional bone to shut him up. A horny man with a number full tank and full of masculine energy would never go for that and would either maintain a marital sexlife or leave and find another woman. Porn in this case is taking the role of another woman, and you are right, it is a poor substitute

 

 

I know my husband watches porn and I have no issues with it. I know he is very attracted to me and would rather have sex with me (and watch porn with girls that look like me) but due to time, travel, etc. us having sex doesn't always work out.

 

Just because a wife is not upset or angry about her husband's porn use does not mean that it isn't taking a toll on her attraction for him or that it is not negatively affecting their sexlife. In your case he is still making you feel desired and he is still getting the job done for you. That may not be the case with the OP

 

OP - I think counseling is needed as I stated above. I wonder if your wife may be avoiding it right now because at this time in her life it isn't a priority and isn't realizing the potential issue of that continuing down the road. I know that for women, myself included, it is hard to get your head back in the game but once you have it you are happy you did.

 

I like another posters suggestion about really hashing out the details and seeing if you can come to a happy medium. For some it is helping around the house, for others it is about other needs. Another poster talked about more "shades of grey" type things which another poster said. You guys are a team and need to priority each other's needs. A counselor will be able to help with it. It is a common problem but if you can find a happy medium you are light years beyond many.

 

 

I agree with rest of post

 

 

 

Responses above

[giotto]

Make her beg.

 

Or make her happy...

[atreides]

I let the porn go in my marriage....my libido slipped a bit after having the kids....motherhood can be quite unsexy! I was super busy....so husband 'bopping the bologna' was tolerated. I never liked it, but at least he could curb the urges at home without the use of another woman!

 

Why did not not feel as sexy? With my wife, sex increased during pregnancy and we loved it as she breastfed and had relatively "worry free sex" for a long time. Did your H not help make you feel sexy or was that on you?

One of the couples I spoke about in my early post, the wife had a huge confidence problem and would not have sex with her H and porn was the reaction to her refusal, not matter what he tried, flowers, toys, nights on the town while his parents watched the baby.

 

Fast forward....kids are grown. I am in my sexual prime!!! So excited to empty nest and enjoy my sexual relationship with my husband with no kiddos knocking on that door!!!!

Guess what!?!?! Hubby has porn induced erectile dysfunction! His mind is programmed/wired for porn, he can go all day on porn but limp noodle with me.

 

I have heard about this porn with erectile disfunction but the studies i read spoke more to masturbation and sensitivity, on-demand masturbation, quick orgasms via masturbation and the list goes on to actual porn being the root or just as a visual aid to other men with excessive masturbation.

But what it sounds like is as I read this is "i can't give you sex right now, but when the kids leave, i will be in my prime so let's do a raincheck."

 

To my dismay, my empty nester/sexual primed years will be spent with the 13-year old in the basement with knickers around his ankles utilizing that box of Kleenex! (Figuratively)

Hindsight....I would have stopped that nonsense 15 years ago!

 

How would you have stopped the nonsense? Would you have had sex more frequently then, if you could change it? What would the alternative acceptable thing be for your H & you if you were to still have a lower libido than he, if you could go back?

[Cigarsherlock]

Wow, you all have a wonderful community that is so willing to help. I do appreciate all the responses. Baby boy will be taken upstairs from now on and I think we will have a good sit down talk this weekend. I don't watch porn everyday nor do I masterbate everyday. It's mostly a gap fill between the times I can't have her. And used to make things quick and easy for the small window I have to take care of it. The poster that mentioned chemicals, endorphins etc is right on the money. Masterbation does not sate the need to make love to my wife. I am pleasure driven so I need to give her pleasure to be satisfied and release those chemicals. Weird I know but she doesn't complain always getting to finish first. Porn wasn't an issue while we were dating. Though we have watched together and that was fine. My wife loves me and she is trying to do better..we don't have constant tension but I think I am building resentment..which I also let her know. I'll update soon after the talk.

[atreides]

I will say this, i know there are addicts out there but i do not know one guy, not one who prefers porn to their wife. What i do know and a lot of, is wives making sex sound obligatory, refuse sex with "being tired" and the linty of things you hear about.

 

On 2 of the couples i would say the husband needs to help out more with the house needs, but the majority, the husband does just as much, with baby and house needs and the wives shut them down. One of them thought about cheating but has not to my knowledge but all of the husbands that i have known and revealed as much to me, use porn as a reaction to lower sex frequency.

 

I will flat out say, there is no way in hell porn and masturbation beat the real thing and i think i speak for the majority, that if libidos were matched, porn/masturbation would likely never be in the picture.

[atreides]

You want sex, come get it from a real girl.

 

I've told my husband something along these lines and his usual answer is "Well, YOU are not doing anything anyway..."

 

You have a great attitude, many men wish their wives would say "come and get it from a real girl." When you say that to your H, is it in jest or are you ready to deliver it then or is it a raincheck.... OR are you saying no matter what you do, your husband is not really interested in sex with you?

[Got it]

Responses above

 

you may not think you have a "problem" with your man using porn. And if you are still getting what you want out of him you may tolerate it to a degree. However way deep down, you still lose a certain amount of respect and admiration for him when he does it. How much you lose will depend on bow much he does it and how he acts otherwise

 

Oldshirt - Never speak for me. Your assumption is completely asinine. I have not experienced any loss of respect for my husband. Please speak for yourself. Not every woman see porn as an issue. In fact I will watch porn, on my own, occasionally and definitely read literotica and "help myself" when he isn't home. For myself, an orgasm every night before sleeping is my routine and it will be with him or without him. I am much more into BDSM than he is so will indulge in bondage videos that aren't up his alley. We have no issues with this. There are times when masturbating is the ideal, just a knock one out and go to sleep. I have no issues if he has solo play at all.

 

I know that he prefers to have sex with me, I know porn/masturbation is secondary to his attraction to me which is what the OP has said about his wife. But for the OP you are assuming his porn use is a factor. I disagree. The issue is they are not on the same page about having sex. I am sure if she flipped and wanted sex he would have little use for porn. But having your man hornier and hounding you MORE when you aren't interested will only make it worse. The bottom line need is for both parties to prioritize each other's wants and desire and, as a time, come up with a solution they both can agree to.

 

I think sex for women is different because we are "receiving" and I know for myself if not prepared or just mentally there it can hurt (my man has definite girth so not for the weak of heart or vay jay jay ). I know that I need to prioritize, even more, blow jobs as it is a perfect solution if I am not fully in the mood. He is happy, I am happy to make him happy, and it is a win/win. But it is about making sure we are doing the things that make each other happy and not start resentment counting on who did what when. But differences in sexual activity is no different than financial differences, relaxation difference, etc. It is just about taking it out and honoring one's partner equally and seeking counsel if needed.

[Cigarsherlock]

Just realized I've been misspelling masturbation this whole time...*embarrassed*

[Ultramarine]

You have a great attitude, many men wish their wives would say "come and get it from a real girl." When you say that to your H, is it in jest or are you ready to deliver it then or is it a raincheck.... OR are you saying no matter what you do, your husband is not really interested in sex with you?

 

Well, in our case, the key word is "come and get it." He complains about the shortage of sex but it's really about me not initiating it as often as he'd like me to. And sometimes, when I asked him why he would rather [insert one of the many expressions for "masturbate"] instead of coming to me, he says it's too much work. Like I said, I've never turned him down and I do like sex very much. I guess we're both just being lazy about it.

 

A notable exception here is oral sex. Do all guys feel they are entitled to blow jobs without any return to the girl? I feel that it's completely unfair. Not that it never happens, I'm just a whole lot more interested in a sexual activity that also involves some benefit to me.

[atreides]

Well, in our case, the key word is "come and get it." He complains about the shortage of sex but it's really about me not initiating it as often as he'd like me to. And sometimes, when I asked him why he would rather [insert one of the many expressions for "masturbate"] instead of coming to me, he says it's too much work. Like I said, I've never turned him down and I do like sex very much. I guess we're both just being lazy about it.

 

A notable exception here is oral sex. Do all guys feel they are entitled to blow jobs without any return to the girl? I feel that it's completely unfair. Not that it never happens, I'm just a whole lot more interested in a sexual activity that also involves some benefit to me.

 

Too much work??? Oh hell no! Sorry about that, sex and lazy don't mix. Why does he need you to initiate, doesn't he?

 

To answer you about oral, in almost 16 years, I have never not returned the favor, never, but going down and pleasing my wife is a huge turn on and I usually go first or when the time is short via kids awake in the house, nothing like simultaneously.

[Cigarsherlock]

So we had our talk. I expressed how I felt about not having enough intimacy and during our sons check up at the pediatrician I brought up that he still sleeps with us. Doctor agreed that boy should be out by Christmas for the health of our relationship. My wife has expressed she loves me and hugs me abit more mainly because I spent 13 hours in the last three nights painting our damn kitchen. You know, I've come to an epiphany tonight. I put her on a pedestal like I thought she should be. That approach gets me no were, still once a week sex and almost chore like. I can tell she is trying, almost to the point of feeling sorry for me. So, I think I'm just going to start being a selfish *******. I'm gonna call her out when she is nagging and I'm not putting up with things I would normally bite my tongue over. I'm going to express my frustration at not getting the attention/affection that is not only expected in a marriage but earned in sweat. Thoughts?

[2sunny]

How about just discussing it when there's no anger?

 

Tell her what you need/expect. Tell her these are deal breakers for you.

 

And December to have the baby out of the bed? Why wait? That's ridiculous! The marriage could be over by then! There's no time like NOW!!

 

I can't see waiting until Dec when it's causing harm. Who picked Dec?

[Cigarsherlock]

Can't edit now but "were = where" and it was Dr's statement that he should be sleeping in his own bed by the end of the year. I know my wife loves me, and I'm not really mad at her, just frustrated! I mentioned during our talk that she doesn't trust men because of her childhood but that I was not those men. I expressed to her that I was her partner in life and that we are a team that should be working towards the mutual benefit of both of us. She expressed that she understood and that she would try. She also mentioned that she wasn't a very good wife and she knew I deserved more. But my thing is that has all been said before. I sacrifice to make her dreams come true and she still just doesn't feel the physical desire around me. She says it's not me and most likely her self image coupled with being tired along with low desire for sex. I don't know, guess I'll wait for awhile and see how it goes...what's another year anyway? Oh and she doesn't take deal breaker threats very well, just tells me to go then if that's what I want. Which I then reply, "that's it? You wouldn't fight for me?" Ugh, just wanna ram my head against a wall sometimes.

[oldshirt]

You know, I've come to an epiphany tonight. I put her on a pedestal like I thought she should be. That approach gets me no were, still once a week sex and almost chore like. I can tell she is trying, almost to the point of feeling sorry for me. So, I think I'm just going to start being a selfish *******. I'm gonna call her out when she is nagging and I'm not putting up with things I would normally bite my tongue over. I'm going to express my frustration at not getting the attention/affection that is not only expected in a marriage but earned in sweat. Thoughts?

 

 

 

You are ready to snatch the pebbles from my hand Grasshopper!

 

 

(....if you were not a fan of the '70s TV show "Kung Fu" that went right over your head and made no sense at all and I'm kind of giving away my age here LOL)

 

 

But seriously, that was a valid epiphany.

 

 

If no one has mentioned it before, you need to check out the books, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and, "The Mindful Attraction Plan" both by Athol Kay. And also "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. You will have about a thousand more epiphanies and realize you are making the first step of a long journey.

[oldshirt]

 

If no one has mentioned it before, you need to check out the books, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and, "The Mindful Attraction Plan" both by Athol Kay. .

 

 

 

Oh also, there are forum boards on his website and there are a number of threads and discussions about wives letting kids sleep in the parents bed.

 

 

Read a few of those threads and you'll have him in his own bed by this weekend.

[2sunny]

Can't edit now but "were = where" and it was Dr's statement that he should be sleeping in his own bed by the end of the year. I know my wife loves me, and I'm not really mad at her, just frustrated! I mentioned during our talk that she doesn't trust men because of her childhood but that I was not those men. I expressed to her that I was her partner in life and that we are a team that should be working towards the mutual benefit of both of us. She expressed that she understood and that she would try. She also mentioned that she wasn't a very good wife and she knew I deserved more. But my thing is that has all been said before. I sacrifice to make her dreams come true and she still just doesn't feel the physical desire around me. She says it's not me and most likely her self image coupled with being tired along with low desire for sex. I don't know, guess I'll wait for awhile and see how it goes...what's another year anyway? Oh and she doesn't take deal breaker threats very well, just tells me to go then if that's what I want. Which I then reply, "that's it? You wouldn't fight for me?" Ugh, just wanna ram my head against a wall sometimes.

 

She views you as weak and compliant.

 

You need help becoming a man that takes charge.

 

It looks like she doesn't respect you - who would? You paint the entire kitchen at night to please her yet she still doesn't give you even a crumb if what she KNOWS you want.

 

Stop being so compliant to her - she's got you tied around her finger... Time to start making changes.

 

Changes that get HER to change too...

 

Have you read any books on not being SO nice that you become her doormat?

[oldshirt]

Can't edit now but "were = where" and it was Dr's statement that he should be sleeping in his own bed by the end of the year.

 

 

 

 

I agree with 2Sunny, that's a dick statement by the Dr. He's just trying to appease and not upset your wife too. If a Dr thinks a child should be in his own bed, that means TONIGHT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know my wife loves me, and I'm not really mad at her, just frustrated!

 

 

 

 

are you actually frustrated at her or frustrated at yourself? There's a big difference. You can't really make her do anything. But you can change yourself and your new self may influence her to do things differently also.

 

 

 

 

I mentioned during our talk that she doesn't trust men because of her childhood but that I was not those men.

 

 

It's not really your role or place to psychoanalyze her and tell her how she is defective. Your role is to state your wishes and your objectives clearly. She either works with you on them or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then you have other decisions to make.

 

 

 

 

I expressed to her that I was her partner in life and that we are a team that should be working towards the mutual benefit of both of us. She expressed that she understood and that she would try.

 

 

" 'I'll try' is the battle cry of the loser."

- Shawn Connery in 'The Rock'

"No. Do or don't do. There is no try"

- Yoda

I just had to throw those in there LOL Good words to live by though.

 

 

She also mentioned that she wasn't a very good wife and she knew I deserved more.

 

 

Translation = "what'cha gonna do about it??"

That is what is called a 'strength test' to challenge you to step up to the plate and see if you are strong enough to be the head of the household and hold her to a standard of being a good wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But my thing is that has all been said before.

 

 

And what has happened to her when she backslides?????

- Nothing.

she knows she can appease you with words and that she doesn't have to actually do anything because you won't do anything about it.

 

 

I sacrifice to make her dreams come true and she still just doesn't feel the physical desire around me.

She says it's not me and most likely her self image coupled with being tired along with low desire for sex.

 

 

 

 

Please please please get the books and check out the website I mentioned above. You will quickly see that you are right, her desire and attraction have absolutely NOTHING to do with your sacrifices you make and what errands you run for her.

You will also quickly learn that IT IS YOU that determines her desire and attraction for you and this whole self-image crap is a line of gibberish to get you off her back and get back to painting the kitchen for her like a good little boy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know, guess I'll wait for awhile and see how it goes...

 

 

"I'll see how it goes is the battle cry of those left behind in the dust."

- Oldshirt

 

 

 

 

 

 

what's another year anyway?

 

 

Again I agree with 2Sunny. she could be banging some guy at the gym in a few weeks and you could be divorced by the time you get your child in his own bed by Dec.

The real issue here is she has lost respect and admiration for you and a "wait-and-see" attitude is one of the things that cause women to lose respect for men the most. Women respect decisiveness and action in men.....even if it is the wrong decision and the wrong action. Waiting to see always bites you in the arse.

 

 

 

 

Oh and she doesn't take deal breaker threats very well, just tells me to go then if that's what I want. Which I then reply, "that's it? You wouldn't fight for me?"

 

 

 

 

OK I'm going to take her side on this one. That is a dick move on your part. Now you are just acting like a whiney, manipulative chick. newsflash here - women aren't at all attracted to whiney, manipulative chicks.

Again this is another strength test that you are failing. She's challenging you to show some strength and decisiveness by standing up for yourself but instead you are threatening to leave her but then you don't do it when she flaunts her noncompliance in her face.

My legs would slam shut too.

 

 

deal breakers aren't really deal breakers unless they actually break the deal. Idle threats are just manipulation and game playing and that's what chicks do. Threatening to leave someone because they aren't complying to your wishes seriously undermine any relationship and are on a very fast-track to contempt and bitterness and loss of respect and women simply cannot desire men they do not respect.

You can't negotiate her desire because it's not something she can make herself do. You have to earn it by being the person she desires.

That's good news and bad news. The good news is you can probably become the man she respects, admires and desires. The bad news is you have to put in the legwork and the effort and it's not something you can just tell her to do.

 

 

Ugh, just wanna ram my head against a wall sometimes.

 

 

part of your frustration is you are trying to fly blind. Please get the books I mentioned. All 3 of them have specific game plans and algorythms and exercises so that you can address your own issues and improve your problem areas as well as maximize your strengths.

 

 

 

 

 

See responses above.

[2sunny]

If the baby is planned to be removed from your bed - it should be today! Any change should always start TODAY! Never tomorrow - as tomorrow never comes.

 

 

Maybe the counselor knows something and isn't telling - something that's supposed to end later this year.

 

Either way - if your wife isn't willing to place the baby in the crib - then she should go sleep in the crib because she's the one acting like a baby!

[veryhappy]

This annoys me to no end. Yes, make the 2 year old suffer to meet your western deadline. Reality is you could go anywhere in the house on any sofa or guest bed or a comforter on the floor and make sweet love, fall asleep and go back to the bed only when the child wakes up. I bet your western self has a baby monitor in the house.

 

 

After this, if she doesn't want sex with you, it will be you need a vasectomy, you need to lose the belly, the man boobs, you need more time with the kids, more time standing on your head, more who knows what.

 

 

Sex is a couple problem, keep it so or youll find in ten years that youve been sexless for a couple for years.

 

 

Avoid one thing: resentment. Wherever that means to your wife and keep the discussion on sex about sex and the couple. Its also realistic to wait for the kids to be older to expect more attention. You seem to want the same as before kids. Well those little ones are here to stay for a while.