Boiling point...

[Cigarsherlock]

So I'm laying here in bed..kid next to me because he makes a good buffer between us. I love my wife. I wanted to say that up front. In fact I try really hard at being a great husband and father to my kids. But I can't take the lack of intimacy anymore. Once a week for about 10 minutes is the time I get inside my wife. I feel like a starving stray cat that gets a small bowl of food once a week only to have stomach pains the rest of my days. Maybe it's my fault for expecting our very good sex life while dating to continue after two kids and nearly 7 years...I need sex every two days. I don't get that, not even close so I turn to porn to take care of myself. I hate porn. I hate the idea that I use it to get off simply because it takes less time. If I don't use porn, the level of concentration is almost impossible to maintain in order to finish. She isn't very affectionate, except to the kids who get the majority of her love. I kind of feel like the maintenance man/babysitter who she feels sorry for on occasion and allows me to initiate a pity $&@k.

 

I love my kids more than my own life. I don't want to end my marriage. But I also don't want to not have an intimate partner my entire life...I need to feel that love again....considered finding a girlfriend even though it destroys my faith and every moral code I have in this well mannered shell. I probably couldn't go through with it. Counseling is my only hope I guess..I posted this out of desperation. What do I do?

Edited June 12, 2014 by Cigarsherlock

[TheKat23]

I can only as a woman speak from experience here. Some women, and I know I went through this, feel after children that they aren't as beautiful and sexual. I know suddenly I had this totally different body and I was so worried my husband would not find me as appealing. I hid myself and was not interested in sex at all! Its hard to find that happy medium at first and then when you get stuck in the "rut" of not having sex it seems safer there.

Don't give up. Have you tried just a night with the two of you? Rekindle the romance? Maybe buy her something sexy, tell her at random times how beautiful she still is to you. Boost her confidence a bit. She may be worried the kids will walk in or hear and that is a TOTAL mood killer.

Spice it up and mix it around purchase a few toys or a great lube.

The love she feels for her kids is not the same or comparable to the love for a significant other. IDK my advice may be terrible but I hope it helps.

[Thegameoflife]

Is her sex drive gone, or does she just not want to have sex with you? The difference is a personal problem, or a relationship problem. If her sex drive is gone, it's probably a psychological issue. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, and you're just suffering as a by-product. If she's just not happy with aspects of the marriage and holding out in a passive aggressive way, than find a solution.

 

Almost every situation in a marriage breaks down to whether you or your partner are willing to put in effort to make things better. If one or both of you are not happy, and no process of positive change is in effect, you might as well move on.

[giotto]

You want sex every two days? Who doesn't? After 7 years and two kids is rather unlikely, though... just wait until it's once a month, if you are lucky... but you probably won't be around for that... sorry about the bad news...

[Got it]

I question the use of the word "need" for sex. I think you mean you WANT sex every two days. It is not going to be an issue between living and dying.

 

But, nonetheless, your happiness in the marriage is as important as your wife's and you guys need to try and come to a solution on it. Have you thought about marriage counseling? What about a trip away without the kids? I know that this is a common complaint among men. I am female and have older stepkids so can't fully relate.

 

But I know that my husband would prefer a frequent sexual relationship and if I love him I need/want to honor him through his love language - physical touch. I think it is dialing things back to the partnership and you guys being in this together.

[Cigarsherlock]

It's her drive that is gone. And yes her body isn't what it once was but you wouldn't know it by how I treat her. I cherish her body, give her massages, tell her she is beautiful, buy flowers etc. We rarely have an opportunity to go out together but we have done a night away and sex wasn't an issue once we got out of the house. Perhaps I'm being selfish, perhaps I have a sex addiction..but God help the person that messes with me if I haven't had it in a week (bad mood, anger easy, etc). I said "need" because I literally lose sleep if I don't get that release. I absolutely love pleasing her but toys are out..she finds them creepy. I will maybe surprise her though, maybe that will help. Thanks for the replies all. Counceling is also an option and probably going to be recommended soon by me.

[oldshirt]

For starters, unless it is a newborn baby being nursed throughout the night - no kids sleeping in your bedroom and absolutely not in your bed!!

 

 

The bedroom is a sacred place for the husband and wife to have of their own for privacy, sleep and sexuality. If you let her bring kids into the bedroom to sleep with her, it is only a matter of time before you are one of these guys writing in here saying it's been a year since your wife has kissed you or made love with you.

 

 

Smack that $h!t down now.

 

 

OK now on to your other issues - Give us a little more info her such as your ages, ages of children, any health issues, how was the sex before marriage, how was the sex after marriage but before kids and if you have had any other marital issues such as major fights, times of neglect or abuse etc.

 

 

Also you mention the porn, any other forms of sexuality outside the marriage such as infidelity, cyber sex, intimate contact with ex's or or coworkers on Facebook etc?

 

 

 

 

Answer those questions and we'll have more info to work with.

 

 

Until then realize many of us here have 'been there/done that' in regards to children arriving on the scene.

 

 

When the babies come it is without a doubt a MAJOR game changer in the sexlife. My wife's sexdrive and interest in having me touch didn't really return to any appreciable degree until our youngest was almost two. So from the time our oldest was born until her libido returned to an even somewhat acceptable level was several years.

 

 

It sucked! The only thing that did keep me faithful and in the home was my own sense of values and moral code and belief keeping the family together.

 

 

We stayed together because nothing else happened. If some other serious situation had struck during that time, things probably would have snapped.

 

 

The good news is there can be a light at the end of tunnel and things CAN improve significantly. The good news here is that you ARE still sexually active and she is at least providing you with "Duty Sex" (look up that term if you are not familiar with it) which means that even though it may be an additional burden on her and she isn't actually horny, she is at least trying to appease you with it to keep you around.

 

 

That may not sound good, but trust me, there are lots of guys who's wives completely dry up and shut it off altogether once they have the house and cars and children.

 

 

You are in a much better position to recover a somewhat healthy sexlife than the chumps who are getting nothing.

 

 

Give us more background and we can work with this.

[oldshirt]

......Oh and in the mean time, lay off the porn and spanking.

 

 

Lots of reasons for this. It may seem counter intuitive now and may seem like your only relief, but it is actually part of the problem, not the cure.

 

 

More on that later but if you have some leisure time, check out 'yourbrainonporn dot com.

 

 

Everything on there is a little extreme and exaggerated and inflated IMHO but I think there is a lot to the concept of it and I think there is some general truth in all of that. and men who are not on porn do have a lot more virility and response to real women in real life than guys who are spanking it to porn all the time.

[BetrayedH]

Suggest marriage counseling. If she declines and doesn't make a concerted effort to change, give her the choice of you making an appointment with a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.

 

As another poster suggested, this issue usually gets worse rather than better when it's left alone. My marriage slowly went from that once a week (which you're barely tolerating as it is) to once a month and then once every few months. I nearly lost my mind. I was a good husband and a good father and I tried everything and just got lip service. I should have demanded counseling.

 

There's nothing wrong with needing an intimate relationship with your wife that's beyond a once-a-week mercy f*ck. If she cannot empathize with that position enough to truly work on it, then you need to make it clear that it's a dealbreaker or be prepared for this to get nowhere but worse. It may not kill you but it will kill your marriage. And then one of you will have an affair. I put up with every excuse in the book for 7 years (beginning right after my wife's first pregnancy). Ironically, she's the one that had the affair - 13 months of twice a week sex with her boss in hotels during the workday. If you think you're resentful now, trying choking down that sh*t sandwich.

 

Deal with it, directly. No more conflict avoidance.

[giotto]

If the kids are young, once a week is just about right... it might improve when they grow a bit, or it might get worse... usually it gets worse, but I've also heard positive stories... not many though....

[Cigarsherlock]

For starters, unless it is a newborn baby being nursed throughout the night - no kids sleeping in your bedroom and absolutely not in your bed!!

 

 

The bedroom is a sacred place for the husband and wife to have of their own for privacy, sleep and sexuality. If you let her bring kids into the bedroom to sleep with her, it is only a matter of time before you are one of these guys writing in here saying it's been a year since your wife has kissed you or made love with you.

 

 

Smack that $h!t down now.

 

 

OK now on to your other issues - Give us a little more info her such as your ages, ages of children, any health issues, how was the sex before marriage, how was the sex after marriage but before kids and if you have had any other marital issues such as major fights, times of neglect or abuse etc.

 

 

Also you mention the porn, any other forms of sexuality outside the marriage such as infidelity, cyber sex, intimate contact with ex's or or coworkers on Facebook etc?

 

 

 

 

Answer those questions and we'll have more info to work with.

 

 

Until then realize many of us here have 'been there/done that' in regards to children arriving on the scene.

 

 

When the babies come it is without a doubt a MAJOR game changer in the sexlife. My wife's sexdrive and interest in having me touch didn't really return to any appreciable degree until our youngest was almost two. So from the time our oldest was born until her libido returned to an even somewhat acceptable level was several years.

 

 

It sucked! The only thing that did keep me faithful and in the home was my own sense of values and moral code and belief keeping the family together.

 

 

We stayed together because nothing else happened. If some other serious situation had struck during that time, things probably would have snapped.

 

 

The good news is there can be a light at the end of tunnel and things CAN improve significantly. The good news here is that you ARE still sexually active and she is at least providing you with "Duty Sex" (look up that term if you are not familiar with it) which means that even though it may be an additional burden on her and she isn't actually horny, she is at least trying to appease you with it to keep you around.

 

 

That may not sound good, but trust me, there are lots of guys who's wives completely dry up and shut it off altogether once they have the house and cars and children.

 

 

You are in a much better position to recover a somewhat healthy sexlife than the chumps who are getting nothing.

 

 

Give us more background and we can work with this.

 

 

We are in our mid 30's. Kids are 4 and 2...the 2 year old sleeps between us...and I have numerous times told her enough is enough. No intimacy problems before marriage nor after marriage until after children. She felt gross, she's a mother now...etc etc. She does come back every now and then and we get kinky...which keeps me alive for a little longer. The porn she knows about, doesn't have a problem with just says that is between me and God. Well I've let God down so many times with that issue it's about making me sick. I get it, wish I could just quit cold turkey but that would make me a monster around here. She is willing to do counseling so I think we will get that started...I'm gonna try to do better in dating/courting her and we will go from there.

 

 

A little more background on me. I'm divorced previously with no kids in that one. Some of it was my fault, but she went outside the marriage so that was the kicker. I learned a TON from my first marriage and was very guarded in choosing a mate the second time. Then my current wife and I met and she was a sexual dynamo. Our dating life lasted all of 7 months before proposal and married 5 months after that. I know I don't have it in me to cheat, especially when I think about losing my kids (love them so much)...but I just want my damn wife back I've read many of the stories on here and it sounds like I'm not alone. I work out twice a week to keep myself in decent shape so as to not turn her off...plus I just want to be healthy. So, on to counseling I guess...Will come back here and post an update, after we get it going.

 

 

Also, she is product of a divorced family, dad left her at age 6 and moved to another state. Both parents cheated on each other, step-dad was abusive to her mom while she was growing up...tough childhood. My childhood was a cake walk in comparison and I have a great foundation of parents and grandparents who love each other unconditionally.

[2sunny]

Can you explain to her that you are unhappy with the way things are?

 

First things first - the child needs their own bed. You two need your private time together to chat, laugh and be connected on an intimate level. That doesn't happen (and sex) when you get 10 minutes of alone time once a week.

 

Spell it out clearly - the child moves to his/her own bed so that we have time to stay connected.

 

 

I think if you only present it from the stand point of "I need sex more often from you" she's likely to feel like an object for your deposits - which isn't likely to make her feel welcoming to your idea.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Dude, once a week is good, actually. You act like you get NOTHING and have for years or something.

 

I am amazed that you would consider getting pussy on the side because she isn't humping you daily. Good grief.

 

Try marriage counseling.

Edited June 12, 2014 by DaisyLeigh1967

[veryhappy]

I think you are blind to your real issue. One time a week should be a nice compromise with kids so little. Most men would really want that choice . Your real problem is quality of sex. If it were really good it would last you a week until the kids get older. So ask her...what would make sex good?

 

 

My other suggestion is to establish her libido. Let her initiate for a couple of months and see where she really is.

 

 

Don't treat is a sex problem. See what relationship issues you have behind the sex and deal with them. In my opinion, just by numbers once a week is excellent with kids under 5. The problem is you are getting fastfood and getting sick instead of real food.

[2sunny]

Telling him that he's not allowed to feel the way he feels doesn't help him to feel differently about his situation.

 

Any counselor is going to listen to what he wants - what she wants - what's currently happening = and ask them both to reach a compromise somewhere in the middle.

 

If you want sex 3-4 times a week and your wife sticks with once a week, your best possible new outcome might be twice per week.

 

 

But I do think getting your son out of the bedroom is a deal breaker. Especially since he's 2 years old.

 

 

Do you think your wife is using your son to distance herself from you?

 

I think alone time for you two is important - time to hug and cuddle helps build closeness and intimacy. That's important to!

 

What compromises do you think your wife might agree to?

[littleplanet]

We are in our mid 30's. Kids are 4 and 2...the 2 year old sleeps between us...and I have numerous times told her enough is enough. No intimacy problems before marriage nor after marriage until after children. She felt gross, she's a mother now...etc etc. She does come back every now and then and we get kinky...which keeps me alive for a little longer. The porn she knows about, doesn't have a problem with just says that is between me and God. Well I've let God down so many times with that issue it's about making me sick. I get it, wish I could just quit cold turkey but that would make me a monster around here. She is willing to do counseling so I think we will get that started...I'm gonna try to do better in dating/courting her and we will go from there.

 

 

A little more background on me. I'm divorced previously with no kids in that one. Some of it was my fault, but she went outside the marriage so that was the kicker. I learned a TON from my first marriage and was very guarded in choosing a mate the second time. Then my current wife and I met and she was a sexual dynamo. Our dating life lasted all of 7 months before proposal and married 5 months after that. I know I don't have it in me to cheat, especially when I think about losing my kids (love them so much)...but I just want my damn wife back I've read many of the stories on here and it sounds like I'm not alone. I work out twice a week to keep myself in decent shape so as to not turn her off...plus I just want to be healthy. So, on to counseling I guess...Will come back here and post an update, after we get it going.

 

 

Also, she is product of a divorced family, dad left her at age 6 and moved to another state. Both parents cheated on each other, step-dad was abusive to her mom while she was growing up...tough childhood. My childhood was a cake walk in comparison and I have a great foundation of parents and grandparents who love each other unconditionally.

 

 

 

 

I applaud you, OP - for your determination to stick to your code.

And the line - you just want your damn wife back......speaks volumes.

She needs to know that....really know that.

 

I think you need to do something to really grab her attention.

I can't tell you exactly what that is......except (and I'm sure you already know this) - it cannot be the threat of leaving or cheating.

 

As to quantities of sex........all the longterm marriages I know of that survived intact - employed quality a lot more than quantity.

 

Counselling?..........can prove committment. Should of course be equally devotional on both sides.

Shifts and changes probably need to happen on both sides of the equation.

And they need to match specifically to you two. Because in your own ways, you're unique. The trick is to find out what works.

 

I've always been a big fan of breaking routines.

Routines are always comfortable things that make families and households work......and without them, things can get chaotic.

But breaking that routine can also shift perspective.

 

On that - you've already had some great advice here.

You have a lot to work with. It's not hopeless.

 

The porn thing? (There are endless armies of men out there spiralling down into that well)......and many get lost in there and never really come back.

Treat with respect.

 

Your instincts are all good. Work with what you've got.

Honest talk is never over-rated.

Good luck to you!

[SoleMate]

This is a complex and sensitive issue that deserves in-depth treatment. I suggest reading The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It is a balanced treatment that takes views and feelings of both partners into account. This is a crisis for your marriage and your family. Both people have to feel that the partnership is fair and that their needs matter. Please do whatever it takes to restore your loving sex life....just don't declare war on your wife. Hostility and aggression aren't sexy. Please read the book. I am truly sympathetic.

[Ultramarine]

I'm coming from a situation similar to yours. My husband has been complaining about lack of sex in our marriage for years, but specifically after we had kids (ours are almost 5, 2, and 7 months). It's a slightly different issue for him and is more about feeling wanted (he wants me to initiate sex).

 

First of all, kudos to you for keeping yourself from justifying anything and resorting to infidelity. In my case, my husband went looking for stuff online and in real life and had EAs. Which most definitely did not help with our sex life.

 

Second, the kid needs to go. To their own bed, behind closed doors. It's unhealthy. I know that I have sometimes channeled my energy into my kids at my husband's expense. It's like, "I have to attend to three people needing stuff from me all day long, and here you come and want to put even more demands on me?" She needs to remember that, despite the very strong and very natural bond with the kids, you are just as, if not more, important. She needs to get out of the "I don't have time or energy" mindset.

 

Make it clear to her that it's a big deal to you. Despite my husband's repeated complaints, I have not realized how important it was to him until he considered leaving me because of this. It opened a whole Pandora's box of stuff between us but I feel like I'm finally getting it. His push for me to become more sexually proactive benefits me. Some of it came after reading "Mating in Captivity" though it may be different for your wife if she was a sexual tornado before the kids...I wasn't.

 

From a wife and a mother's perspective, having kids changes you a lot. Your priorities reorganize themselves and kids become priority #1. Your body often sabotages you and makes you want to go back to priority #1 just to not have to deal with body image/sexuality/marriage issues. For me, it was very beneficial to start working out regularly. Not even necessarily for the sake of getting back into pre-pregnancy shape, just to feel healthy and strong and confident. I also have a history of depression and exercise helps me keep that in check.

 

Does your wife work out? Can you go together? How does her usual mood seem? Could she be depressed? Does she do anything for fun, just by herself of with friends?

 

I think if you're doing what you say you are - cherishing her and doing all the romantic stuff, you should keep at it...I wish my husband were. And you say that when you two get out of the house, there is no sex/libido problem. So do it more. Let her go do something, anything, out of the house, while you watch the kids, and see if she comes back happier and more in the mood.

[pteromom]

We are in our mid 30's. Kids are 4 and 2...the 2 year old sleeps between us...and I have numerous times told her enough is enough.

 

Trying to confront her mama bear instincts is NOT the way to get what you want. There are plenty of ways to make it work.

 

She is willing to do counseling so I think we will get that started...I'm gonna try to do better in dating/courting her and we will go from there.

 

Both of these are good ideas. You have to remember who you were when you were dating too... were you a guy trying to "shut that sh&t down", who got angry and frustrated when you didn't get sex? Or were you happy, accepting, funny, attractive? (Remember, for women, attraction is largely about how you make her feel about herself.)

 

I just want my damn wife back

 

That carefree woman you dated is gone. She's a mom now, so she's a different person. But that doesn't mean you can't work with her to create something new and different and equally satisfying.

 

My advice? Laugh with her. Have date night and relax and have a good time. Worry less about the child in the bed, and think more about how to make the current situation work.

 

Don't bring up the past or insinuate that you like the "old her" better. That is just going to create distance.

 

Help her out. Kids take a lot of energy, so anything she doesn't have to do gives her more energy for you. (Don't get angry if you don't get immediate results from this though... be helpful for the sake of being helpful, and don't bring sex up at all. She can't think you are just doing it to get sex. See what happens after a couple weeks.)

 

Don't make life about sex. Focus FIRST on recreating that connection, and sex may follow the connection.

 

I would try to change the dynamics in your relationship BEFORE trying counseling. See what happens when you change your role in the patterns of your marriage.

[pteromom]

And you say that when you two get out of the house, there is no sex/libido problem. So do it more. Let her go do something, anything, out of the house, while you watch the kids, and see if she comes back happier and more in the mood.

 

I definitely agree with this part of your post!

[Ultramarine]

Help her out. Kids take a lot of energy, so anything she doesn't have to do gives her more energy for you. (Don't get angry if you don't get immediate results from this though... be helpful for the sake of being helpful, and don't bring sex up at all. She can't think you are just doing it to get sex. See what happens after a couple weeks.)

 

I agree with this. My husband tries this once in a while but it truly only matters to me when he doesn't make me feel that i have to pay everything back in sexual favors. Sex is not currency to me, it's an expression of how I feel about him.

 

On another note, OP mentioned the rare re-connection with kinky stuff and I noticed that in myself, too...I began responding to things that are a bit out of the usual. Maybe explore that 50-shades-of-gray area?

[mrs rubble]

If the kids are 4 and 2 and she feels "gross" maybe she needs a little pampering? Trip to a day spa maybe? A break from the kids and the time and chance to make herself feel a whole load better about herself may work wonders.

[Cigarsherlock]

It means a lot to hear all the different perspectives especially the women who replied. Thank you all very much! I don't think it's the end of the world in my situation, I am just scared. She has been receptive in the past with different plans to help us. We tried love making every Tuesday and Saturday but that didn't last long because she felt it was forced (not in a rape manner). I was a happy man though I can tell you that. I've been helping around the house, bought her granite counters, a DSLR camera because she had a dream to be a photographer..put her in a 10 week photography class..so I'm trying my ass off. Our schedules are very different which is also a factor. She is in bed when I get home and gone when I get up with the kids. Her demeanor is good most days and she seems happy (Other than the recent PMS from hell). I know I need to stop looking at porn, that is the worst part of me. I'm just not sure how to quell the urges yet. I'll update everyone with how things go..she recognizes the problem from my view, she just isn't sure how to fix it. Oh and yes she gets to work out two times a week because my mom watches the kids.

[lollipopspot]

God help the person that messes with me if I haven't had it in a week (bad mood, anger easy, etc).

 

You really need to work on this. Because it's about the least sexy way to be and she will not be inclined to have sex with you or be around you if you can't control your sour moods.

 

Suggest marriage counseling. If she declines and doesn't make a concerted effort to change, give her the choice of you making an appointment with a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.

 

I actually think that the kids that a couple makes together, and giving them some stability in the first years, are more important than sex. Divorcing with a toddler is ridiculous to me, under any normal circumstances.

 

No intimacy problems before marriage nor after marriage until after children.

 

Were there intimacy problems after the first child? When exactly did this start?

[waterwoman]

I love my kids more than my own life. I don't want to end my marriage. But I also don't want to not have an intimate partner my entire life

 

What on earth makes you think it's going to be your entire life? You have young children. Your wife has been through one of the most emotionally and physically intense experiences of her life - twice. And she is probably exhausted too. I know that I was guilty of immersing myself in my children's lives. I assumed, wrongly it seems, that their father woudl feel the same as me. he didn't. He felt pushed out. But in your case the children are still small.

 

Your sexual needs are not at the forefront of her mind at the moment. They will become more important as time goes by but right now....sorry.

 

Be patient, understanding and empathetic. Don't push her, don't sulk. Make sure she knows that you love her and that you value her for everything she is not just as a sex partner. One of the things that really turned me off was the fact that H seemed to be obsessed with sex - it got to the point where everything he did for me appeared to be in order to get a shag. I ended up avoiding any physical intimacy - even hugs - because it always resulted in him pushing for sex. It was a vicious circle.

 

I think MC would be a good idea. A chance to explain how you feel, what your expectations are, what your fears are. That you worry this situation will continue indefinitely. I don;t expect you will get back to pre-kids sexual activity levels for a while, but things can and should improve.