why do some women give a mixed message while rejecting a guy?

[you_can_not_see_me]

Its happened to me a number of times.

 

Two case in particular that I remember:

 

Girl#1: I told her " You probably can tell I am attracted to you, wanna go out?", the she says " aww me too, I like you too", but then goes on to say in this very confusing way that she is seeing some other guy and makes it sound like its not a serious relationship.

I paused for a few seconds cause I was confused about what she just said, then she says "I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship or anything" I was like aha she rejected me, then she says give your number and I ll call you.

 

 

Girl#2: I ask her out, she says she's flattered and she thinks we have great chemistry, but she says she is seeing some other guys and to me that sounded like a rejection, the way she said it. But then she says "but, yeah I am down to go out for dinner sometime"

 

I don't get it, why give such a confusing rejection? what, were the girls trying to let me down gently? if that was their intention they did a horrible job, cause they are actually making it seem like they are interested or the very least conflicted.

would it have not been easier just to say, sorry have a boyfriend and be done with it? But not only do they make it sound like they actually like me, they also downplayed the other guy they are seeing and they make it seem like they still might want to go out. really stupid.

 

anyone else deal with a similar situation?

[Glinda.Good]

They are just trying to be gentle about the rejections.

[you_can_not_see_me]

They are just trying to be gentle about the rejections.

so gentle to actually give the wrong impression? that's pretty counterproductive.

[carhill]

anyone else deal with a similar situation?

 

Sure, anything other than an enthusiastic 'yes' is a 'no'. Once one gets used to the difference, along with caring less about each individual interaction, the messages sort themselves. Hope and investment, to a large degree, drive the perception of 'mix'. That's all in one's own mind.

[Gaeta]

It's a way of letting you down easy. Women don't like hurting people's feelings. That is our heritage after centuries of being told while growing up that girls have to be good, nice and sensitive.

[you_can_not_see_me]

It's a way of letting you down easy. Women don't like hurting people's feelings. That is our heritage after centuries of being told while growing up that girls have to be good, nice and sensitive.

A girl trying to be gentle when rejecting me just makes me feel like she is being patronizing. I d rather a direct rejection that was polite.

[carhill]

Oh, forgot one reason..... married but not ready to share that information because, well, it's complicated.

 

TBH, some mixed message rejections from single ladies would have balanced out the harsh ones. However, the harsh ones hardened me up, so I guess it worked out.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Sure, anything other than an enthusiastic 'yes' is a 'no'. Once one gets used to the difference, along with caring less about each individual interaction, the messages sort themselves. Hope and investment, to a large degree, drive the perception of 'mix'. That's all in one's own mind.

well sure. When I asked those girls I was waiting for a straightforward yes, and when I got the confusing reply I knew it was some form of rejection.

[carhill]

Forgot another why - Safety.

 

Some men react violently when denied.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Oh, forgot one reason..... married but not ready to share that information because, well, it's complicated.

TBH, some mixed message rejections from single ladies would have balanced out the harsh ones. However, the harsh ones hardened me up, so I guess it worked out.

I really didn't understand the bold part.

 

I have never received a harsh rejection, I wonder if I would have actually preferred it to a mixed message one. since I would just be "yeah **** you too" about the girl and forget her quickly.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Forgot another why - Safety.

 

Some men react violently when denied.

nah, even though I didn't spend a ton of time with these girls, I m pretty sure they knew I wasn't one of those guys with explosive rage.

[carhill]

I really didn't understand the bold part.

 

I have never received a harsh rejection, I wonder if I would have actually preferred it to a mixed message one. since I would just be "yeah **** you too" about the girl and forget her quickly.

Fortunately, you haven't had experience with wayward wives and other limbo folks who still have a functioning marriage license. In that I applaud you. Married women waffle because they're ambivalent about their circumstances and, generally, the man isn't attractive enough to warrant an immediate yes but they're still interested enough to 'think about it'.

 

A harsh response/rejection would be 'I can't ever imagine liking you like *that*' or 'I simply find you unattractive' or 'I don't find you attractive' or similar.

 

These (both the married and harsh responses) were likely a function of too many men chasing too few women and may not be relevant to your experience.

 

Regarding safety, perhaps you and I might get to know a lady to the extent she would feel 'safe' with us but many ladies get cold approached by strangers, even ladies like you may pursue, and, over many iterations, they can develop and automatic style, like an auto-responder, that they do without conscious thought unless they're clearly attracted.

 

IMO, attempting to figure all this stuff out, which is generally fruitless since we're not mind-readers, takes one away from focusing on other things in life and of course the ladies who say yes.

[Glinda.Good]

so gentle to actually give the wrong impression? that's pretty counterproductive.

 

That part was probably unintentional. I'm sure it would be better all around if someone was not afraid to just say no, but many of us have been raised to try our best to protect the feelings of others. Sometimes efforts towards that end up having the opposite effect. But, as already posted, if it's not a full on YES, then it is a NO. That simplifies it.

[you_can_not_see_me]

That part was probably unintentional. I'm sure it would be better all around if someone was not afraid to just say no, but many of us have been raised to try our best to protect the feelings of others. Sometimes efforts towards that end up having the opposite effect. But, as already posted, if it's not a full on YES, then it is a NO. That simplifies it.

if it were only that easy. You have girls who respond in a similarly ambiguous fashion but later claim they were just trying to play hard to get and were actually interested.

 

Also the problem isn't the girl not being able to say no, the problem is her saying something that actually suggest that she wants to go out.

 

in the case of the first girl she first said "me too" when I said I am attracted to her, so basically her whole rejection gave the message "I find you attractive, but I am seeing other men, but you know we can still try to see what happens, so give me your phone number.

^that is the literal interpretation what she told me, and the only way to interpret anything else is to make an assumption that she has rejected me.

 

its pretty much the same case for the second girl as well.

 

I mean for all I know the girl might have still wanted me to pursue her, the subsequent days she still seemed interested in me, but I wasn't about to pursue a girl who was already taken at the time and I just wanted out of the whole situation.

Edited June 12, 2014 by you_can_not_see_me

[Shaun-Dro]

Its happened to me a number of times.

 

Two case in particular that I remember:

 

Girl#1: I told her " You probably can tell I am attracted to you, wanna go out?", the she says " aww me too, I like you too", but then goes on to say in this very confusing way that she is seeing some other guy and makes it sound like its not a serious relationship.

I paused for a few seconds cause I was confused about what she just said, then she says "I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship or anything" I was like aha she rejected me, then she says give your number and I ll call you.

 

 

Girl#2: I ask her out, she says she's flattered and she thinks we have great chemistry, but she says she is seeing some other guys and to me that sounded like a rejection, the way she said it. But then she says "but, yeah I am down to go out for dinner sometime"

 

I don't get it, why give such a confusing rejection? what, were the girls trying to let me down gently? if that was their intention they did a horrible job, cause they are actually making it seem like they are interested or the very least conflicted.

would it have not been easier just to say, sorry have a boyfriend and be done with it? But not only do they make it sound like they actually like me, they also downplayed the other guy they are seeing and they make it seem like they still might want to go out. really stupid.

 

anyone else deal with a similar situation?

 

 

This is how most women operate. They dance and skip around as to not let the guy down harshly for fear of a backlash. Get used to it. This tactic isn't going away any time soon.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Treat them like they treat you, they are game players. Deal with it or don't date.

You think the two girls were playing games?

 

 

I could play the game if I was sure that were the situation. I used to have a talent for manipulation for a while in high school, so I can play games with someone, but the girl needs to be interested in the first for that to work.

[ExpatInItaly]

You think the two girls were playing games?

 

 

I could play the game if I was sure that were the situation. I used to have a talent for manipulation for a while in high school, so I can play games with someone, but the girl needs to be interested in the first for that to work.

 

Really? Do you honestly think manipulating someone is a good tactic? Come on now, OP. Bad idea.

[ktya]

Two case in particular that I remember:

 

Girl#1: I told her " You probably can tell I am attracted to you, wanna go out?", the she says " aww me too, I like you too", but then goes on to say in this very confusing way that she is seeing some other guy and makes it sound like its not a serious relationship.

I paused for a few seconds cause I was confused about what she just said, then she says "I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship or anything" I was like aha she rejected me, then she says give your number and I ll call you.

 

This isnt a rejection. This is that she is a bit busy with a few dudes and it will be complicated adding you into the mix. You should have said no worries whats your number Ill give you a call in a month to see how it's going. Giving her your number you lost the game, if you look through these threads you see that women are absolute chicken****s when it comes to picking up the phone and dialing the number themselves.

 

Every single time I've given a girl my number or business card, and the business card was because I met them in a rushed situation where I didnt have time to take down their number, its ended up with me never hearing from them again (and I have a really sexy title and job).

 

Girl#2: I ask her out, she says she's flattered and she thinks we have great chemistry, but she says she is seeing some other guys and to me that sounded like a rejection, the way she said it. But then she says "but, yeah I am down to go out for dinner sometime"

 

Thats not a rejection at all. Just that she's not ready to lock down. The dinner date is a committement of a significant chunk of an evening and she doesn't want you to play the romantic-I'll-be-your-exclusive-boyfriend act and that she wants to keep it fun.

 

Again should have asked for her number, this girl probably would have come back to your place and had sex with you on the first date jumping for the dinner date like that.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Really? Do you honestly think manipulating someone is a good tactic? Come on now, OP. Bad idea.

I don't, that's why I haven't done so since high school. I was just saying if it comes to games, I can play games as well.

 

Girl#1 was attracted to me, she admitted as much and I could tell before I asked her out, but I didn't know if she was interested enough to let go of the other guy for me. If I am being honest If I knew for sure that she would come my way with a bit of manipulation, I would have done it, but I didn't know for sure and I had a lot of my plate at the time.

[you_can_not_see_me]

This isnt a rejection. This is that she is a bit busy with a few dudes and it will be complicated adding you into the mix. You should have said no worries whats your number Ill give you a call in a month to see how it's going. Giving her your number you lost the game, if you look through these threads you see that women are absolute chicken****s when it comes to picking up the phone and dialing the number themselves.

 

Every single time I've given a girl my number or business card, and the business card was because I met them in a rushed situation where I didnt have time to take down their number, its ended up with me never hearing from them again (and I have a really sexy title and job).

 

 

 

Thats not a rejection at all. Just that she's not ready to lock down. The dinner date is a committement of a significant chunk of an evening and she doesn't want you to play the romantic-I'll-be-your-exclusive-boyfriend act and that she wants to keep it fun.

 

Again should have asked for her number, this girl probably would have come back to your place and had sex with you on the first date jumping for the dinner date like that.

hmm maybe you are right, I have just become weary of being lead on, so anything other than a girl being totally down for something right there and then makes me think she is not interested.

 

It would have made more sense if girl#1 was indeed interested going by her behavior before and after I asked her out. I was totally blind sided when I thought she rejected, since I was pretty sure she was interested.

oh well to late now.

Edited June 12, 2014 by you_can_not_see_me

[phineas]

OP, if they rejected you outright they might lose the attention & ego boost from you repeatedly attempting to go out with them.

 

As carhill said, anything but a "yes" = "no".

 

Forget about them.

[Trane]

It's a way of letting you down easy. Women don't like hurting people's feelings. That is our heritage after centuries of being told while growing up that girls have to be good, nice and sensitive.

 

Not true at all.

 

Some women make rejecting guys a sport and take great pleasure in hurting a guys feelings, especially if they've been wronged by guys themselves. Innocent people can get hurt from people on the rebound from bad experience. Someone is always looking for a temporary source to place the blame game.

 

There are women who need ego feeding reassurance by rejecting guys. They count how many guys approach them by falsely making themselves accessible only to say NO to them. If a guy has all the physical qualities she desires and seems like a decent guy, it's much harder for her to reject him.

[soccerrprp]

You think the two girls were playing games?

 

 

I could play the game if I was sure that were the situation. I used to have a talent for manipulation for a while in high school, so I can play games with someone, but the girl needs to be interested in the first for that to work.

 

If you're going to become an a-hole, just stop dating. Don't listen to StoneColdMike on this.

 

If it's not a clear, yes, not assume no and move on. Don't over-think things.

[TXGuy]

I think oftertimes it is to let the guy down gently. But other times it really means that she thinks she can do better than you, but would like to keep you as an option if she cannot do better.

[Grumpybutfun]

nah, even though I didn't spend a ton of time with these girls, I m pretty sure they knew I wasn't one of those guys with explosive rage.

 

They KNOW nothing...volatile personalities can be quite benign until rejected. To be cautious is hard wired into every females brain, some react by being aggressive, some avoid contact and some by avoiding conflict. I've read quite a few articles and listened to enough female talk to know that some men, when rejected, can get violent and angry, at the very least making a scene.

 

If they say they have a bf, end of discussion. She said "no" unless you just want to be friends, which is what they are offering. Not sure why this is hard for you to grasp, it is common behavior from women. They are thinking....Be friendly, do not be mean when you reject or it leads to confrontation. Men and women have different messages thrown at them concerning directness. I made a point of teaching my daughters to be direct and to take precautions, such as defense moves and carrying mace and pepper spray so they don't have to feel afraid of mercurial men.

"No, thank yous" should suffice but you would be surprised at how many men will get angry and say things like, do you think you are too good for me? Entitled bitch, I'll show you...etc. There are men out there who vow to get even, stalk or rape a woman for saying "no." Read criminology reports locally or read the confessions of rapists, murderers, serial killers or kidnappers and they all say almost the same thing...she or another woman rejected him or looked down on him at one point. Women are very aware that almost every movie, tv show, news report and documentary on violence is aimed at them being the victim. Most of these men were rejected a lot...take Elliot for example, move on to Ramirez, Ridgeway, Chikatilo, etc.

 

Then there are those who accuse them of playing games because they do not understand where they are coming from or the social constructs for their behavior. Educate yourself on sociology. Some men are hotheads and react from a place of deep sadness and it can lead to violence or confrontation.

They know that not all men are like this, but they don't want to find out if you are.

I always waited for overt interest such as hair twirling, incessant giggling, a date or sex invite from her, prolonged touching, moving incredibly close to me when talking, nervous chatter, following me with her eyes, etc. Find some books on body language. Learn the language, "I have a bf" is code for I don't want to upset you by overtly rejecting you or they really do have a bf. Sometimes it can sound wishy washy I imagine, as in first example, if the girl is a bad liar or is secretly an attention sponge who thrives on your admiration, but not into you.

As for gameplaying, be glad those girls didn't say yes. Drama is what people like that thrive on. They are usually extremely immature and do not make successful gfs or dates because their character isn't firmly fixed yet.

Jmo, good luck,

Grumps

Edited June 13, 2014 by Grumpybutfun