antso Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hi all, I was wondering if someone could give me some advice as to what's going on and how to move forward, as I'm a bit lost! I made the fatal error of falling for a girl at work. She was a lot younger than me, 19 at the time and I am 34. She was in a relationship which was coming to an end and we got together very soon after that ended. Everyone warned me against the age gap but at time I was quite cool about the relationship so wasn't to concerned, I was very independent had lots of friends so wasn't to concerned if things went wrong. At first it was amazing, I couldn't believe finally I had met someone funny, beautiful and who was good with my son, we never argued and all was good, I was happy. She pushed to move into my home and as things were going so well I agreed. After 4 months of living together things she started to change. She would read my phone all the time, argue over small things, complain about me seeing my son and how I spoilt him and started to hide food around the house so I couldn't give it to him, over time she stopped me going to the gym and for an easy life I did. Slowly I became more and more put of shape, lost all my friends till all I had was her and I had let myself slide completely. The arguments continued which were so frustrating as from my point they were never important things, mainly her jealousy over me having to contact my ex due to my son, which she knew about from day one and accepted. Suddenly from nowhere a new girlfriend appeared encouraging her to go out which she never enjoyed and we had another row she left and never came back. This was after a year of being together. I made the mistake of begging, pleading etc but nothing. Two weeks later I hear through work she's with someone else and he's amazing etc. Its been 4 months now I've dragged myself back up kept no contact as best I can with the work situation, lost the weight, worked on myself, I'm looking better, new car etc but still feel very hollow, like I'm playing the part but not really feeling good. My problem is I'm doing my best to forget and move on although I miss her and have lost a lot of my mates, however she keeps calling my direct line at work trying to pretend shes talking abouy office stuff then she keeps moving the conversation to me, telling me how amazing her new life is, new boyfriend, how they are going on holiday together! Why does she do this why can't she just leave me alone! I can't get away from it, just as I feel a little bit better, boom the phone rings... What does all this mean, why is she doing this, any tips, will it get easier? Is she really that happy after 3 months?
GorillaTheater Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Man, you really let this woman take over your life. Don't do that again, okay? Does she have any legitimate business reason to be calling you? If not, this is easy: don't take her calls. If she does, send her an email saying: "During prior calls, you have engaged in some inappropriate conversations that I'm not okay with. Please communicate with me by email in the future, in the event you have a legitimate business reason for contacting me." Besides getting her the hell off your back (hopefully), I like where an an email like that puts you vis-a-vis your boss and HR if she resorts to nastier tactics.
sly_fly1 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 the problem is she is probably back with her ex. and more than likley you were just a rebound guy. leave her alone. you were never hers to begin with. harsh truth 1
marcjb Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I'm sure you're probably aware of it by now, but you made three huge mistakes with this one person. - Never get involved with anyone you work with. - Never get involved with anyone that's currently in a relationship. If they leave their current partner, they will end up leaving you. Guaranteed. - Way too young compared to you, she doesn't even know what she wants. I wish you well on your road to recovery. 1
Author antso Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks for all the advice everyone. The age thing I should of known better I understand that, but she wasn't like other girls of her age, never went out, quite a home bird, said she just wanted a good relationship etc. The guy she left and moved on from has now re married and is with someone else, so its not him, it appears its the first guy who showed her some attention in a nightclub straight after she ran off. I know there's no future in it and I really am trying my best but I can't avoid her, these phone calls at work that she turns into talking about how great her life is are so annoying, just wish I didn't get sucked into them. Why does she enjoy telling me this crap lol
Chi townD Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 If a person has to go out of their way to TELL you how great their life is, then it's probably not that great. They just want you to believe that it is. A lot of immature crap. If she calls your direct line at work, tell her that you're in the middle of something and to shoot you an email. Easy. If the email isn't work related, delete it and ignore it. 1
Alexjones1 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Hey man you hooked up with a 19 yr old girl. You should have known it was just for some fun. Treat her the way she wants. She is too young to be a wife or anything more. Have fun, hookup, and let it be at that.
SoThatHappened Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) Hey man you hooked up with a 19 yr old girl. You should have known it was just for some fun. Treat her the way she wants. She is too young to be a wife or anything more. Have fun, hookup, and let it be at that. Definitely the truth, and I was in a situation somewhat similar. I'm 34, got together with a (then) 21 year-old who had a 1-yr old daughter. I tried pushing her away for about 6 months (mainly because of the age gap) but finally caved and decided, wth, right? Had a whirlwind 2 months of dating (really just having fun) followed by an abrupt "my ex is back and I want to see what would have happened with him." Nearly killed me... I was having fun and just felt like a piece of worthless crap and wondering how someone could do that. Stayed in contact for 2 months, she found out that she originally got rid of the ex for a reason, and came RUNNING back to me. Again, against my better judgement, I was back in it. 7 months of things going exceptionally well. She kept pushing to move in, but I was trying to slow her down a bit so she wouldn't just have her way EVERY time, then wanna get married, then wanna have kids, all within a few months time. This girl was so impulsive it was insane. Anyway, found out she was messing around with her boss's son, told her to come get her stuff, only had contact we needed to have, and told her to take care. I don't know if your ex had a lot of ADHD, bi-polar characteristics, but mine did. She went from "I love you so much and still am so lucky and happy" to "I've been flirting with a guy at work" within 24 hours. She would do a lot of things like that. Extremely fun girl, extremely immature, and has gone from guy to guy. Loved her and her daughter deeply, but the warning signs were there, similar to yours: - Got with a real tool for 3 months and got engaged - Immediately broke that off and got with me for 2 months - Got back with another ex of hers for 2 months - Got back with me for 7 months - Was doing whatever with a guy from work All of this in a year's time. Also had crappy excuses to stray (really she had absolutely no good excuse to stray, I honestly gave her every part of me and made sacrifices for her and her daughter, have a great job, pleased her physically and emotionally, wasn't a doormat, etc.) I should have known though that there's a reason she has slept with 30+/- people in 5 years when I've slept with 8 in 18 years. And 9 months of that she was pregnant. Thought and believed she had calmed down having a daughter, but nope. Bad thing is her daughter is starting to become a little person and remember people. Good thing is that I don't think the connection between her daughter and me was developed to the point that her daughter will be hurt by missing me. I dodged a bullet... twice. Hurt like heck but I now see that there may be deep-seeded issues with her. Will always love her, definitely fell in love with her, but that is a big age gap. I don't have her trying to start trouble or throw anything in my face, but I've also gone NC. Couldn't imagine if I had to see her everyday at work. Feel for you man. My best advice is to try to forget she exists and do whatever you can to stay away. And do whatever you can to stay busy and improve your life. Not as ways to get her back, but as ways to get you back. She may want you back (probably will soon, I see very similar patterns), but don't cut ties in hopes of that happening. Also, I've learned that the more someone brags about something (her new bf in this case), the worse it truly is behind the scenes. Good luck and take care of yourself. Edited June 12, 2014 by SoThatHappened
Author antso Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks again for your advice everyone. I'm sorry to hear you have had a tough time too. What everyone says is right, she is to young and I knew that but what hurts is I sacrificed everything for her let her move into my home and be with my son and she just walked away after a year with no explanation. In the end it was as if she was jealous of my love for my son, I tried to explain they were two different things but she said she wanted to be number one. Now when she rings she hangs the conversation out, hooks me in by saying nice stuff like a probe to see if I still care for then starts talking about her new guy. Wtf. The other day she told me she had my car keys, credit card and back door keys to my house, like the three most important things, I never knew she had them and told me maybe we can meet up and she can give them back.... Just wish I could move on, its hard as you get older, I had protected myself so well from this bull**** and then I let my guard down and bam. Just want to forget about her but I can't, man I loved that girl
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