So and heartsick

[Atticus9292012]

Okay so posted about this guy before. Long story, but we dated on and off for the last few months. We decided at first to be friends when we ended things, but he would do things like kiss me when we'd hang out, etc. I then decided I couldn't be friends with him. I wanted more and he didn't. I have feelings for him and being friends with him was preventing me from moving on. Not to mention the kissing, extremely flirty behavior and crap he did when I did see him was constantly giving me hope he would change his mind. Normally, you just delete the person out of your phone, stay away, etc.

 

Problem there is we know a lot of the same people and go to the same hang outs. I started trying to go to my hangouts when I knew he wouldn't be there and hanging out with our mutual friends less. I would purposefully keep conversations short,etc. when we did communicate. Recently I went to a bar we both frequent and he was there. He literally pulled up a seat for me next to him and we talked for four hours non-stop and again he was super flirty. I totally caved, but at first I really tried to ignore him, but it was so hard with him being that way. I left that night all cloud nine and happy, but of course this doesn't mean anything and I know this. I called him a few days after to talk. We talked for almost an hour on the phone about it. I told him how confusing that kind of stuff is for me and how much it messes with my head when he acts that way. He responded with "well, I don't want to be rude." I told him, I'm not asking him to be rude, but doing things like flirting with me for four hours sends a mixed message. Of course, be brings up the relationship topic, again. He said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone and insisted it wasn't me, it was him. He told me how attracted he is to me and he really likes me, and "I honestly have nothing negative to say about you. I'm just not ready and I do not know when I will be."

 

I have run the gambit on possible explanations. I thought maybe I am reading into his behavior. I have watched him interact with other female friends in the bar, etc. He doesn't act all flirty and weird towards them. His tone of voice is even different when he is talking to everyone else than with me. Everyone that knows us makes comments about "how cute we are together," and try to get me to talk about it. I blow it off as best I can.

 

Anyway, this is just a little background. I have seen him a couple of times since this conversation and he behaved. We spoke briefly, but kept it short. He initiated a conversation with a girl he knows is a really good friend of mine about me this past weekend. Not sure why, but pretty much said verbatim everything he said above to me. He said he really doesn't mean to send mixed messages. He just wants to be friends with me and be around me.

 

This is where it gets odd.....Then he tells my friend why he really left where is from (he told me it was to pursue a different career) Apparently, this girl he was madly in-love with died tragically. He told my friend he thought he would marry her one day. He was devastated and had to "get the hell out of there" as he put it. The city we live in now is 12 or 13 hours away from where he is from. He said that it was "absolutely awful." My friend said she just listened to him and kept wondering why in the world he was telling her this. She felt like it was almost to say "this is why I can't be in a relationship with [my name here]"

 

This post is already extremely long so sorry, but in talking to my therapist about it yesterday, it all makes sense. The whole time we dated he'd get really close, act like my boyfriend for a little while, and then pull away. Then he came out with the I don't want a relationship deal. I thought it was because he just wanted to play around and see a bunch of different women. My past experiences tell me that this is why guys say that line....A couple he is really good friends told me about a month ago that they thought he was in-love with me. I kind of blew this off, because well I just have a hard time believing a man would love someone and not be with them. I know he at least cares about me. He wished me a happy birthday and I had told him my birthday once in a passing conversation. He also doesn't have facebook to help him remember. I have seen him drive by my house a few times too. He asks about when I am not around.

 

I don't know what I am looking for here, but I just wanted to get this off of my chest. Mzybe someone has had a situation like this and it eventually worked out to where you could be friends....? He can't love me, doesn't care about me at all or just can't be close to anyone. I don't know. I am heart sick about it. I know that I have to stay away from any connection to him for awhile, I deleted him out of my phone, and I am just focusing on my friendships and passing the bar exam. NC as much as I can.

[d0nnivain]

I gleaned 3 important facts from your post:

 

 

1. You two aren't together any more.

 

 

2. He's a flirty guy.

 

 

3. You have no self control when it comes to him.

 

If you enjoy part of his company . . .keep talking to him & kissing him but I get the sense that it's only making you sad & longing for more. In that case, when he pulls out a barstool for you, decline the invitation. Go to a different bar or at least sit on the other side. That can be easier said then done when he's pouring on the charm but this guy will take & take & take until you say no. You need to learn to say no earlier.

 

 

You can't go by what your friends are saying. If he does love you he has an awful way of showing it.

 

 

You need to explore new places & widen your circle of friends. Until you are stronger, stay away from him or he will keep hurting you.

[Atticus9292012]

Thanks for reading that. I am actually shocked someone responded. I won't argue with you on what you said. I have a hard time saying no and standing my ground with him so staying away is the best thing I can do.

[redbaron005]

If he's not ready, he's not ready. Give him time.