Looked through his texts and confirmed my suspicions. Where to go from here?

[beach]

Thank you all so much. Just put a call in to my therapist, I definitely need to see her ASAP. I know I myself need to start going to 12 step meetings regularly as well. The 12 step community here is really close knit and everyone seems to know everyone else, so I just really don't want to run into him or his friends (especially that other woman he was talking to). But yeah...

 

This is going to suck. But you're all very, very right in everything you said. I just need to get some inner strength.

 

Meetings are really only a place to get a sponsor and then to OFFER to sponsor OTHERS.

 

I wish you wouldn't view the meetings as a social arena - it's not!

 

It's designed to help save lives! You get someone to help you then you offer to help OTHERS. That's the reason why meetings happen - so many can be helped. Start participating like your life depends on you doing the work (your step work). Your life does depend on it.

 

Stay busy! Exercise, eat right, help others and work to earn a living.

 

Do you work?

[me85]

Thank you all so much. Just put a call in to my therapist, I definitely need to see her ASAP. I know I myself need to start going to 12 step meetings regularly as well. The 12 step community here is really close knit and everyone seems to know everyone else, so I just really don't want to run into him or his friends (especially that other woman he was talking to). But yeah...

 

This is going to suck. But you're all very, very right in everything you said. I just need to get some inner strength.

 

 

You are not pathetic or stupid.

 

I have most of the sames issues as you do. I've never been diagnosed with anything but only because I have sought counseling for myself.

 

You know why you're doing what you're doing so that's a great start. You don't sound in denial at all, which means there's more hope for rapid change in your life!

 

I struggle with addiction and suffer from emotional problems & it's no picnic, as you very well know but I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I can't snap my fingers and be over anything just like that and I know it. I know it's going to take a lot of time and effort. All we can do is all we can do.

 

You called your therapist...see, your immediate reaction instantly started your progress.

 

You are using this guy to fill a void and he is using you the same.

"misery loves company"

 

I really hope you get tired of seeing this guy soon. He threatens your well being.

[thatsme123]

The guy is a loser, honey. He is self-destructive and very damaging to you. He is more than likely still using, a convicted criminal, liar, manipulator, verbal and emotional abuser. I wouldn't give this clown the time of day.

 

You need to get the hell away from him and never look back. You can do better. Get tested for STIs and HIV. If he's using IV drugs and sleeping around, he is putting your health at serious risk as well. Demand better for yourself. He doesn't love you.

 

Thank you. I don't know why I let myself get so blinded by these simple facts.

[thatsme123]

Meetings are really only a place to get a sponsor and then to OFFER to sponsor OTHERS.

 

I wish you wouldn't view the meetings as a social arena - it's not!

 

It's designed to help save lives! You get someone to help you then you offer to help OTHERS. That's the reason why meetings happen - so many can be helped. Start participating like your life depends on you doing the work (your step work). Your life does depend on it.

 

Stay busy! Exercise, eat right, help others and work to earn a living.

 

Do you work?

 

About meetings...I know, it's just that now that I know his friends have been talking about me like that, I just feel embarrassed to ever have to even see them (or him) again. But that's my own issue that I'll need to get over.

 

As for work, that's an ongoing issue as well. I have a bachelors degree which has been going to waste. I was unemployed for a long time (but diligently looking for work), worked crappy jobs that I hated just to have something. I'm back doing that now...I just got a very part-time, minimum wage retail job which will ensure that I will not be earning a livable wage. When he told me he would "take care of me" and we would "get a place together" (that he would put up the money for), I'm not gonna lie...I felt saved. Now it's back to reality I guess.

 

Anyway, I just have to keep looking, as usual.

[me85]

P.S. Congratulations on your 3 months of sobriety!

 

I went to meetings and even though I never spoke, I really enjoyed going. Just listening to other people's stories helped me a lot.

 

Also, staying busy is the best medicine there is.

 

God Bless thatsme!

[thatsme123]

You are not pathetic or stupid.

 

I have most of the sames issues as you do. I've never been diagnosed with anything but only because I have sought counseling for myself.

 

You know why you're doing what you're doing so that's a great start. You don't sound in denial at all, which means there's more hope for rapid change in your life!

 

I struggle with addiction and suffer from emotional problems & it's no picnic, as you very well know but I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I can't snap my fingers and be over anything just like that and I know it. I know it's going to take a lot of time and effort. All we can do is all we can do.

 

You called your therapist...see, your immediate reaction instantly started your progress.

 

You are using this guy to fill a void and he is using you the same.

"misery loves company"

 

I really hope you get tired of seeing this guy soon. He threatens your well being.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I am really going to try and be strong, even though it's really hard for me (typically).

[umirano]

Just listen to what the guy told you. He will thank another girl, if she gets him a new chick. Why are you putting up with this again?

[me85]

CORRECTION:

 

I have most of the sames issues as you do. I've never been diagnosed with anything but only because I HAVE NOT sought counseling for myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

About meetings...I know, it's just that now that I know his friends have been talking about me like that, I just feel embarrassed to ever have to even see them (or him) again. But that's my own issue that I'll need to get over.

 

As for work, that's an ongoing issue as well. I have a bachelors degree which has been going to waste. I was unemployed for a long time (but diligently looking for work), worked crappy jobs that I hated just to have something. I'm back doing that now...I just got a very part-time, minimum wage retail job which will ensure that I will not be earning a livable wage. When he told me he would "take care of me" and we would "get a place together" (that he would put up the money for), I'm not gonna lie...I felt saved. Now it's back to reality I guess.

 

Anyway, I just have to keep looking, as usual.

 

You have to understand those words mean almost nothing. What type of long-term, gainful employment will he have as a convicted addict? He wouldn't be able to support you in the long run. No saving there. I understand why you'd want to believe in that, but it's an illusion.

 

Also, I was quite serious before about getting yourself tested. Of course you want to be in touch with your therapist for the emotional side of this, but your physical health is equally important. Were you using protection with him?

[thatsme123]

No, we were not using protection all the time. I feel sick to my stomach.

[thatsme123]

Just made an appointment with the gynecologist to get tested.

[beach]

Can you see why it's important to find a power greater than yourself?

 

A power greater than him? A power greater than any drug or alcohol?

 

Handing anyone or anything all your power is not in YOUR best interest.

 

To surrender means to cease fighting - anyone or anything. No longer a battle...

 

:-). You can do this!

[askmrknowitall]

This is the last line of your post. " I'm just lost and confused and stupid. " Since thats who you are right now, YOU are not in good enough shape to be in a relationship with anyone at this time ( not even a good man, and by the way this one is a bad man). Because of the shape that you're in that is PART of the reason why you've made the mistake of choosing this WRONG person to be in a relationship with. Never mine what he's said, look at what he's done, thats the truth about him. At the beginning of anyones recovery the reason why you start by trying to eliminate as many of your old problems as possible is because the pressure of all of those unsolved problems might cause you to relapse. Please look at what has happened in 30 days with this man. HE has not only brought all of the problems of his life into your life, but he has brought the problems of some crazy woman into your life. Chances are that you don't love this man, YOU'RE JUST LONELY,and thats normal. LOVE YOU, this man has already shown you that he doesn't even care about YOU. By the way this other woman, is probably not the only other woman, She is just the only other woman that you've found out about to this point. You know who I want you to love, I want you to love YOU. I want you to love YOU so much that you say to yourself right now I LOVE ME, IF NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD DOES. Someone needs to save you, and that someone is you, this time you're going to be your own HERO. YOU tell this man you want nothing else to do with him. This is important : and then have nothing else to do with him EVER. YOU are a good woman, look at how you've expressed yourself in your writings. Push all of your chips to the center of the table, and bet on you, because YOU"RE A WINNER.

You are in a fight right now to try and save YOUR OWN LIFE, it will take all of the strength that you have AT THIS EARLY STAGE of your recovery to pull that off. Don't waste any of it on FOOLS, you can't afford it. GOOD LUCK !!

[pteromom]

1 - you deserve to be loved and respected.

2 - you deserve to be with a man who loves and respects himself, not who hides behind drugs

3 - you deserve to smile and laugh and trust

4 - you deserve to be accepted for who you are, and appreciated for what you give.

 

Never again settle for less.

 

This guy is horrible. If he knows you suffer from depression and anxiety and other issues and he treats you so poorly, that's twice as bad as treating someone poorly who doesn't have those issues. But then again, someone with strong self-esteem wouldn't allow herself to be treated like this, so I guess he views you as an easy target.

 

You need to completely let him go. Work on yourself now. Get to your therapist. Get to the doctor. Get to AA. Whatever you have to do to become the person you are supposed to be.

 

I see you as a scared caterpillar in a dark cocoon. But you have wings, baby. You have to only find the strength to break through the walls and fly.

 

Oh and - when you break it off and he sees you are serious, he is going to come back sniffing around. He's going to say all the sweet words you want to hear. He's going to apologize and beg and maybe even cry.

 

And when that happens, you should have a list near the phone of every awful thing he has said and done to you, and you should remember him saying he would THANK his friend for finding someone else for him, and you should let that anger give you the strength to tell him to F*** OFF and you should hang up the phone.

[ktya]

The very fact that you are skimming his texts when you've been seeing him a month means that you are in fact just as nutbar as his girlfriend from NA/AA says you are.

 

There's a lot more to this story than you are letting on.

 

TBH he needs to work on himself and find his new normal. You need to let go and stop trying to make him your white knight, he has no energy left after fighting his addiction for that.

 

Stand on your own two feet and let him stand on his. If you like him and come together, have sex and can enjoy that in and of itself then fine.

 

Also be careful. Maybe he was snorting only but heroin addicts usually get to the injection stage, and that means he is at risk for Hep A, B & C and HIV. Sounds like you had your own addictions but not heroin.

[April Moon]

Hi Op!! You deserve sooooo much better! I would never advise this for anyone else but I think you should go NC without even breaking up with him first. I would also advise you never to speak to him again. Once you start working on yourself, you will see you do have self worth and deserve to be treated with dignity. Your bf and his "friend" are basically laughing at you and that is disgusting.

[Poppyolive]

Honestly, I don't think I can do any better. I feel like I'm damaged goods myself. Major depression for the last 15 years of my life (which also almost took my life 6 months ago), Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety...I feel like I'm a walking diagnosis and that I only attract unavailable or unhealthy men. But to be honest, even though I know he is extremely unhealthy himself, I thought that HE would be the one who could save ME. He was telling me how we would get a place together, have a life together. I have been living with my parents since I got out of college, haven't been able to take care of myself because of my own emotional issues. I really had no hope for myself. I guess I'm just a desperate idiot and wanted to believe that he could be the reason that I could have a life. Wow.

 

 

My brain is gonna explode. I'm sorry you feel this way.

 

"I thought he could be the one that would save me" ammmm yah about that....that's not going to happen. Your life, you're responsible for your happiness and your (mental) health. No one else. Certainly not him. he has his own life, health & wellness to maintain and it's sounding like it's damn hard for him... Why lean on each other in hopes of making yourself better?? That can never can happen. Its a walking mess waiting to explode. One month and this is the outcome thus far??? I feel stressed reading this post.

 

You're staying with your parents and don't move forward finding you're own place because of emotional issues??? What's buddy here going to do? Magically fix them? They're not his problem. You seem like two very unhealthy people...this is an explosive relationship in a very bad way.

 

Here, how about not being in a relationship until you live, breath and feel happiness for yourself. Then make forward moving goals with moving out from your parents. Challenge yourself. Work your butt off your emotional and mental well being. Then and only then consider finding someone that's got a handle on life and uplift each other knowing your groundwork is done and being maintained.

 

You will destroy him and yourself if you stay.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hate to sound cliche but you are the only person that can save you. It sounds like you are not even close to being in position to date since it will only add stress and anxiety to your already fragile situation. Not to mention that you are going to be making unhealthy choices (like this guy).

 

Just because you have those emotional issues, it doesn't mean that you are not worthy of love and respect that this s*umbag is clearly not giving you.

 

Try to focus on getting therapy, getting a job, being financially independent and moving out of your parents home. One step at the time. Your self-esteem will also increase in the process. You can do it. Beleive in yourself.