Looked through his texts and confirmed my suspicions. Where to go from here?

[thatsme123]

My boyfriend and I have only been together for just over one month, but things moved very quickly within that month, and I'm pretty sure it's backfiring. I also know, in my heart of hearts, that both of us are not exactly in the best place emotionally, and for us to be together in a serious, committed relationship is a longshot (to say the least). A little backstory:

 

He is 30 years old and a recovering heroin addict. He's in very early recovery, and trust me, I am well aware of what AA says about not starting a new relationship in the very early stages of recovery. I know this because I am an addict as well (not heroin, however). He has five drug felonies under his belt and has served two years in prison for it. He was very upfront with me about all of this from the get go, and I decided to give him a chance, because he seemed like a genuinely nice, sweet person and he told me he was looking for a serious relationship, which was something I have not heard from a man since...well, high school (I'm 28).

 

The first month was amazing and we moved very quickly. Spent tons of time together, being all loving and caring. Apparently I'm an idiot because he was telling me things like how he wanted to get a place with me, live together, have a life together...the list goes on and on. And I believed him, probably because I have some of my own serious attachment and emotional issues and I have never heard anyone say those things to me.

 

About a week and a half ago, he started to feel physically sick. I encouraged him to go to the doctor, which he did. He informed he that he had a double ear infection and canceled the plans that we had made for that night. The entire following week, his personality made a complete 180. Gone was the sweet, loving, caring person I had met and grew to really care about. He refused to see me in person, blaming it on his illness. He told me that he was not seeing ANYONE. But when I would talk to him, either on the phone or through texting, he was short with me, had an attitude, was cold, and stand-offish. And I recognized this change in his personality immediately. Again, he blamed it on his physical illness. He told me that he wasn't in his right state of mind and that he wasn't feeling 100%, so he just wasn't himself. I was hurt, but I believed and trusted him.

 

Thursday of last week he ignored me completely. So the next day, I went over to his house after I got off work and we talked for a little bit. We also had sex. Then I left, thinking everything was ok. But it wasn't, because he immediately began ignoring/avoiding me again, and would not see me when I asked to see him. The next day (Saturday) I asked if I could see him and he said he wasn't feeling well and was staying home and going to bed early. Sunday I went to his house, he was cold and stand-offish, and when I initiated sex, he turned me down. So I left.

 

Sorry this post is becoming a novel, but I am finally getting to the point. The next day (Monday) we went out to dinner and had a conversation about where we stood in our relationship. He told me he still wanted to be with me, and that he wanted to try and start fresh. I slept over at his house that night. The next morning (yesterday), I woke up early and felt very uneasy, like I still knew something was wrong. The whole time last week when he was ignoring/avoiding/acting cold towards me, I had asked him REPEATEDLY if he wanted to break up with me, or if he was trying to have me break up with him, and he told me repeatedly that he was not doing that. I also had asked him if he was back to using drugs, and he said no, and when I asked him to take a drug test for me, he also said no, he would not. Well, I still had my doubts. I wanted to know what was going on.

 

As he was sleeping, I looked through his texts and saw that he was talking all last week to his female friend that he met at AA. Talking is not the issue. The issue is that while he was sick all of last week, he was also driving downtown to the city (we live in the suburbs) to pick up some kind of drugs for her (the texts don't specify what they are). This includes the first night he was sick, the night that he had to cancel his plans with ME. He canceled those plans with me and drove downtown to get drugs for her instead. In addition, all of last week while he was sick and avoiding me, telling me that he wasn't seeing ANYONE, he was actually hanging out with her quite a few times. Including the Saturday night when he told me he was going to bed early. In addition, there was a text when he told her about the night (Sunday) when he wouldn't have sex with me, and I left his house, and his words to her were: "I think I finally did it." And her response was, "I'll find you a new chick!" And he responded, "I'll thank you when you do."

 

This female friend of his also texted him telling him that I'm "crazy" and "nuts" (I have met her one time) and she was telling him how she missed him so much and never gets to see him anymore ever since he "got that new girl."

 

After I saw all these texts, I woke him up and told him what I did, and he exploded and told me that what I did was the ultimate betrayal of his trust, that he is a VERY private person, and that the conversation between himself and his friend was not my business. He tried to kick me out, but I was in shock and I didn't want to leave for some reason. He told me he could never be able to have me sleep over again because he would never be able to trust me again, never be able to keep me out of his sight again. I left his house. Later on, after talking on the phone, we got together and had dinner and talked again. We went back to his house, had sex, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, blah blah blah. For some reason, even though I feel completely betrayed myself, and like I can no longer trust him, I still want to be with him. He told me that he will not give up his friendship with this girl, either.

 

Sorry for such a long post. I'm just lost and confused and stupid.

[Gaeta]

This is beyond ridiculous. Move on. No explanation needed, just move on.

[beach]

No where in the book does it say not to form new relationships in the first year. That is something people made up and isn't true.

 

His lack of honesty makes it appear that he's not capable of working a solid program right now.

 

Why would you even be interested in such an UNHEALTHY guy? He has tons of $hit to sift through and he's not an honest guy.

 

Nothing about his back ground would be attractive. Are you the rescuing type? Why?

[HappyLove]

Wait, so you go to AA for heroin?

 

This relationship is a disaster. Don't you want better for yourself?

[thatsme123]

Honestly, I don't think I can do any better. I feel like I'm damaged goods myself. Major depression for the last 15 years of my life (which also almost took my life 6 months ago), Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety...I feel like I'm a walking diagnosis and that I only attract unavailable or unhealthy men. But to be honest, even though I know he is extremely unhealthy himself, I thought that HE would be the one who could save ME. He was telling me how we would get a place together, have a life together. I have been living with my parents since I got out of college, haven't been able to take care of myself because of my own emotional issues. I really had no hope for myself. I guess I'm just a desperate idiot and wanted to believe that he could be the reason that I could have a life. Wow.

[thatsme123]

Wait, so you go to AA for heroin?

 

This relationship is a disaster. Don't you want better for yourself?

 

I do want better for myself. I just don't think I can attain anything better, at least not realistically.

[Zahara]

Later on, after talking on the phone, we got together and had dinner and talked again. We went back to his house, had sex, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, blah blah blah. For some reason, even though I feel completely betrayed myself, and like I can no longer trust him, I still want to be with him. He told me that he will not give up his friendship with this girl, either..

 

Wha???? After all that you went back to him and had sex with him and pretended like everything he did never existed?

 

It's no wonder he won't stop communicating with this other woman. You've just shown him that you will tolerate absolutely anything he throws at you.

 

The relationship is the least of your problems. You really need to work on yourself and figure out why you settle for so little, or even nothing at all.

[thatsme123]

Wha???? After all that you went back to him and had sex with him and pretended like everything he did never existed?

 

It's no wonder he won't stop communicating with this other woman. You've just shown him that you will tolerate absolutely anything he throws at you.

 

The relationship is the least of your problems. You really need to work on yourself and figure out why you settle for so little, or even nothing at all.

 

I told him I felt very uncomfortable by his relationship with this woman, especially after what happened. He told me that she is his friend and he doesn't just drop friendships.

[Zahara]

I told him I felt very uncomfortable by his relationship with this woman, especially after what happened. He told me that she is his friend and he doesn't just drop friendships.

 

Of course. What else is he going to tell you? The fact that you accept that explanation is also teaching him that you will accept absolutely anything he throws at you. If anything, he's just going to continue playing behind your back -- after all, you are showing him you will accept mistreatment and disrespect.

[thatsme123]

I just feel disgusted, then, that he doesn't have the balls to just break up with me himself. He's putting this all on me so he doesn't have to feel any guilt or something. He told me repeatedly that if he WANTED to break up with me, then he would do it, and would have already done it, because he is "very direct" about that sort of thing. But now I can see that he obviously just wants to have me be he one to do it so it's no sweat off his back. It really disgusts me.

[Zahara]

I just feel disgusted, then, that he doesn't have the balls to just break up with me himself. He's putting this all on me so he doesn't have to feel any guilt or something. He told me repeatedly that if he WANTED to break up with me, then he would do it, and would have already done it, because he is "very direct" about that sort of thing. But now I can see that he obviously just wants to have me be he one to do it so it's no sweat off his back. It really disgusts me.

 

Why would he break up with you when he gets some level of benefits from you -- SEX for one, companionship, security of having someone there for him -- without having to extend loyalty, commitment, trust, care, love, etc. It's an easy deal for him. You've made it so.

 

Yes, he is very direct. Just like he lied about being sick and hanging out with another woman.

[thatsme123]

I'm not even sure how to do it, or what to say. I feel like an idiot. I hate being the one to do it because I'm giving him exactly what he wants...although I guess I'm doing the same thing if I stay in this situation. I'm sorry. I know I sound pathetic. I've just never really been in this situation before.

[HappyLove]

Sounds like the last thing you need to be doing is dating. Time to work on yourself and conquer some of your issues.

[Zahara]

I'm not even sure how to do it, or what to say. I feel like an idiot. I hate being the one to do it because I'm giving him exactly what he wants...although I guess I'm doing the same thing if I stay in this situation. I'm sorry. I know I sound pathetic. I've just never really been in this situation before.

 

Giving him exactly what he wants? How about honoring yourself with self-respect and dignity and doing it for those reasons? Give this to yourself.

 

You don't have to have experience in a situation like this to know what to do. You know it for what it is. There is a reason you posted. There is a reason you snooped. There is a reason you feel disgusted. All signs are clear that this isn't right for you.

[thatsme123]

Thank you, I appreciate all the advice in this thread.

 

Can I just ask then, do you think I should even tell him that I am breaking up with him...do I even owe him that? Should I just disappear? Just not sure...

[beach]

You didn't answer - are you actively working YOUR 12 steps with a sponsor?

 

Are you clean and sober? If so - how long?

 

Have you ever done ALL 12 steps?

[mercuryshadow]

I told him I felt very uncomfortable by his relationship with this woman, especially after what happened. He told me that she is his friend and he doesn't just drop friendships.

 

Their relationship sounds very co-dependent and it honestly sounds as if he's using again (with her). Ultimately, there is no room for you in this deluded dynamic. He will take what he can get from you if you continue to allow him, but please consider the long term: if you stick with him, he will stunt your emotional growth and prevent you from healing. However, even if subconsciously, it sounds like that's where you're comfortable. He's not the only one deceiving you - you're deceiving yourself, too. You're allowing yourself to remain at rock bottom.

[beach]

Thank you, I appreciate all the advice in this thread.

 

Can I just ask then, do you think I should even tell him that I am breaking up with him...do I even owe him that? Should I just disappear? Just not sure...

 

Start making decisions that are in YOUR best interest. No, don't see him again.

 

Since he's not making effort - there's not one reason to say anything to him.

 

Pray for him by sending him positive energy (prayer, FOR OTHERS).

[Zahara]

Thank you, I appreciate all the advice in this thread.

 

Can I just ask then, do you think I should even tell him that I am breaking up with him...do I even owe him that? Should I just disappear? Just not sure...

 

"In addition, there was a text when he told her about the night (Sunday) when he wouldn't have sex with me, and I left his house, and his words to her were: "I think I finally did it." And her response was, "I'll find you a new chick!" And he responded, "I'll thank you when you do."

 

Personally, after being disrespected like that, I'd disappear. He deserves nothing from me. And the lies? He doesn't get the decency of a proper break-up when he never had the decency to treat me with respect.

 

Then you stay away from dating. Go and seek counseling. Try and find your way back to having a better sense of self and value.

[thatsme123]

You didn't answer - are you actively working YOUR 12 steps with a sponsor?

 

Are you clean and sober? If so - how long?

 

Have you ever done ALL 12 steps?

 

Sorry about that.

 

I have been clean for 3 months. I am not working the steps, I do not have a sponsor.

[beach]

Sorry about that.

 

I have been clean for 3 months. I am not working the steps, I do not have a sponsor.

 

Why don't you get a sponsor and better yourself by working your steps?

 

You owe it to yourself to be the best you can be!

[thatsme123]

Thank you all so much. Just put a call in to my therapist, I definitely need to see her ASAP. I know I myself need to start going to 12 step meetings regularly as well. The 12 step community here is really close knit and everyone seems to know everyone else, so I just really don't want to run into him or his friends (especially that other woman he was talking to). But yeah...

 

This is going to suck. But you're all very, very right in everything you said. I just need to get some inner strength.

[ExpatInItaly]

The guy is a loser, honey. He is self-destructive and very damaging to you. He is more than likely still using, a convicted criminal, liar, manipulator, verbal and emotional abuser. I wouldn't give this clown the time of day.

 

You need to get the hell away from him and never look back. You can do better. Get tested for STIs and HIV. If he's using IV drugs and sleeping around, he is putting your health at serious risk as well. Demand better for yourself. He doesn't love you.

[Zahara]

This is going to suck. But you're all very, very right in everything you said. I just need to get some inner strength.

 

If you choose to go back with him, at least please try to start keeping some distance from him and stop having sex with him. If you're thinking that sex can make him love you or stay attached to you, it won't work.

[thatsme123]

You're absolutely right. I guess the personality change last week just threw me off. I wasn't expecting it. But I should have expected it, given his history.