Guy_Incognito Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hi! Second post here. Once again, what a great site - it's been really helpful reading all the unique stories here, which has made it easier to put my own issues in perspective. Anyway, I'm just going to explain my situation, and see if anyone has any feedback. So, about me: I'm a 34 year old man. Recently divorced, but separation was almost 3 years ago, so I feel like I'm emotionally "ready" for dating now. I'm reasonably attractive, in pretty good shape, and am getting more and more comfortable talking/flirting with women - all part of my continuing self improvement mission that I've been on for the last year or so. I feel very confident that if it weren't for my "Major Baggage"***, I would have no trouble dating as much as I'd like, or having whatever kind of relationship I decided I wanted. The Major Baggage in this case, is I have primary custody of 4 young kids, which obviously makes any sort of dating a challenge. *** I want to emphasize that I don't actually see my children as baggage - I'm very grateful that things worked out the way they did, they're by far my top priority, and I'm a pretty darn good dad if I do say so myself. Dating takes up a very small percentage of my time/energy/thoughts, however the reason I'm posting here is in regards to that 3% or whatever, so my focus here will be on that. I just don't want to give the wrong impression - my priorities in life are very much straight. So, I guess I'm just trying to figure out a game plan. I've realized I do want some sort of companionship - I took a hiatus this winter to focus on myself (I did some casual dating before that), which I think was very beneficial, but quite frankly I'm lonely. I've been all over the map lately though, with what I think I want. I've considered and/or tried casual sex (not a big fan, prefer some kind of "connection"), FWBs, polyamory, and non-serious relationships ("serious" to me would mean eventually meeting my kids, which I'm very cautious about, and haven't done yet). I've also kicked around the idea of a LTR, if I met the right person, but obviously that would be pretty complicated, and tough to pull off considering my time constraints. So yeah, one issue is trying to figure out what path works best with my current situation. Lately I've been leaning towards something more meaningful, but I'm not sure how practical that would be. Part of me wants to just do casual until my youngest is off to college (only 14 more years!), and then pursue a relationship, but I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel just yet. The other thing I've been struggling with is how to meet people that are cool with a single dad of 4 with very little free time. I know they're out there, but it's been frustrating hitting it off with someone on OLD, only to have them bail when they hear about my situation. I tried OKC and was upfront about the kids on my profile, but didn't get many responses, and usually only from other parents with multiple kids (which I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to), or from girls looking for an instant family. I recently tried Tinder, and have had much better luck there, at least initially (almost 500 matches and counting). However, like I said once the baggage comes up they almost always bail. I guess I see Tinder as more of a way to find FWB, although I'm still trying to figure out how to best go about that. I also considered networking, and letting family/friends know I'm looking. I'm not sure if that's the route I want to go though, or how to go about that either. Anyway, that's the gist of it. Thanks for listening - I think half of my battle was just vomiting out all the stuff that's been in my head, which kind of helps me look at it a little more objectively, but I'd also love to hear any sort of feedback. If you need more information or clarity on anything, please ask. Thank you very much!
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 There used to be a single's group called Parents Without Partners. I don't know if they are still around. As a woman who doesn't have kids, I wanted to date the guy 1st & be very comfortable with him before I met the kids. Meeting the kids is way more stressful than meeting the parents. As one of my friends who is a single mom used to say, keep the kids apart of you can because nobody deserves to be broken up with before they are 10. If the kids get too attached to your SO, they will get hurt if the person goes away.
Author Guy_Incognito Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you for the quick reply! I will definitely check out that website. As far as anyone meeting the kids - I'm very cautious. I have a personal rule to wait at least 6 months, and the relationship would have to be really promising. I definitely don't want my kids to get attached and then have them ripped away. Like I said in my original post, I'm tempted to not "openly" date until they're all out of the house. On the flip side, I think it might be healthy for them to know that I do get out and am not just a hermit when they're not home, and also it would be good to show them what a healthy relationship looks like. Thank you again!
Gottabestrong Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hi Guy, sounds to me like you want to date casually, but without any commitment. I agree with you that there are women out there who might be up for that, but to be honest I don't know any. At least none that are over the age of 25 and not just looking for guys to hook up with. Most women who start dating a guy they like, want to know that this is potentially headed towards a relationship. If you told me up front that you are not interested in a relationship for the next 14 years, I would bail too. And not because I consider your kids 'baggage', but because I don't want to invest time and emotions into something that is never going to go anywhere. My advice would be for you to either be open to a real relationship - while of course taking it slow and not meeting the kids for 6 months or so, if you feel that is an appropriate period - or continue using tinder and fight your loneliness with casual dating and hookups. Good luck! 1
angel.eyes Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 The issue isn't really your kids. The issue is that you don't know what you want (aside from someone to stave off your loneliness.) Many (maybe most?) women aren't interested in just being a stop gap. They're looking for a meaningful relationship that will go somewhere. If you're looking for temporary companionship, Tinder may be a good option.
pteromom Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I have a personal rule to wait at least 6 months, and the relationship would have to be really promising. I definitely don't want my kids to get attached and then have them ripped away. This makes me happy to hear, because this is the main point I was going to make! Like I said in my original post, I'm tempted to not "openly" date until they're all out of the house. On the flip side, I think it might be healthy for them to know that I do get out and am not just a hermit when they're not home, and also it would be good to show them what a healthy relationship looks like. Thank you again!I agree with the second point. You are modeling life for them. If you want to date, you should. As far as scaring away most women, that's fine. Let the incompatible ones scamper away, leaving the ones who AREN'T freaked out by your situation. I would try as many avenues to meet people as possible, knowing that the % of possible matches are going to be low. Quantity is your friend here. OLD, Tinder, meetups, telling friends you are ready to date, talking to random women, going out different places... do it all.
Raena Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I can't give you any dating tips because I'm in the same boat you are in. I only have one child and that's hard enough. I can't imagine having 4 children to take care of and be single. Kudos to you for being responsible enough to take care of them! I know what you mean by how hard it is to meet someone when you have your children full time. Even if they go to their mother's every other weekend, how do you tell a potential date that you can only see them every other week? People say they do it all the time, but I just can't see how. I haven't figured it out yet either so I just haven't bothered at all. Whoever you do end up meeting and wanting a relationship with will have to be a very special person. One who is good with kids, is ok with not getting much attention from you, ok with sharing her time with 4 other individuals, ok with your parenting style, ok with whatever your relationship is with their mother, if she has children of her own they would have to be able to get along with your children and it goes on and on. The same is true even if you have only 1 child like me. All of those same things still apply. I wish I could say that it will happen for you but you might be right... you might end up meeting someone who works for all of that or you might have to wait for something long term after they grow up more. How old is your youngest? How much time do they spend with their mother? What is your relationship with their mother like? How do your children behave? On and on and on, those are the things every woman you date who wants something long term is going to wonder. You might be better off with making friendships and focusing on your children while they are young right? I do wish you the best of luck. I know all too well what you are going through with this and it isn't easy but you seem like a decent person. Keep doing what you are doing and maybe you'll find the right one for you. Just as an aside... it isn't entirely impossible to make it work. I know someone who has 4 children by two different fathers and managed to find herself a nice guy to date less than a year after her husband died of cancer. I don't know how she did it, but she's really happy and it worked out for her so there is that off chance that it might work out for you and I as well.
ktya Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Your 6 month rule is smart. Wish my ex followed that rule. Ugh. Thats another story. As for game plan, coming as someone who used to have kids in my life here's what I'd suggest. 1. Get access to a good babysitter, or even better, get your EX locked down to look after the kids on weekends if at all possible and if it's safe. Even a woman with her own kids who is smart like you and doesn't want to involve the kids in her dating life is going to want to connect with you as man to woman an woman to man, without the scheduling hassles of kids popping up everywhere. I am not against dating single moms but the very first thing I ask is what is their schedule like and how they fit dating in their lives. They need to have a plan, a schedule, and a support network so I can for example know that on Saturday nights they are always going to be free or whatever so I know (a) when I can ask them out without railing into scheduling conflicts and (b) how often I might get to see them. 2. You are again wise to avoid those women looking for the instant family. Not sure how old you are but avoid the girls aged 33-36 with or without kids especially if you sense this vibe. They are looking to get knocked up and you could find yourself with even more kids to worry about custody. 3. You are looking for a relationship obviously, but remember that these kids are your kids and not hers. While it might be nice if she has her own kids so she understands, you already have four and tossing in even one or two more would make for a colossal family. Focus on the relationship between you and her. Its entirely possible that your gameplan should include the possibility that you will live separately from the girl you enter a relationship with, that you will never live together and that you will just have a regular type girlfriend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Maybe she will want to buy into your rather already large family but looking for a girl who wants to walk into four kids who aren't hers will severely narrow your field at best, or cause you to introduce women to your kids who can't handle the day to day routine and break up with you and your kids at worst. I came into a relationship with a girl who had just one kid. It was a huge shock for me and I took it on with vigor. I had her move in with me under the impression that I was going to be a rather helpful boyfriend because I always had wanted my own kids and she and her daughter were the right age. Our relationship got mixed up and confused because she kept seeing my lack of intent to marry and not wanting a joint bank account or to pay for everything etc. as some lack of committement to her and her daughter. In reality it was simple- "listen you chose to have a kid with some dude who walked away before the kid was even born. I love the kid but its not in my best interests at all to take on 50% legal responsibility like the kid is mine because she's not". I taught that kid how to read and clean house and everything and did everything a stepdad would. When we broke up, despite her incessant urging that I take on 50% legal custody/parental role like a "real dad" she seemed happy to use the fact that I had no legal recourse to her advantage. I only use that example because it could bite you in reverse. She has no legal reason to stay and no legal reason to pay and will come into your life single with or without her own children to look after. So I would suggest focusing on ensuring you have free time to date, and then go to town stuffing the hell out of those days that you have kid free with quality dates - and try not to talk about your kids or daily routine. Another route, I have been banging this porn star hot Korean girl for some months now. When she is kid free she invites me over to her house, we hang out, drink, have mad sex while waiting for pizza delivery do all the non-mommy stuff and she gets it out of her system. Next morning she gets rid of me and goes back to being the doting mommy making lunches and picks up her kids from her parents. She doesnt make any kind of a good girlfriend, and when I started lusting for that kind of relationship from her she broke it off for a while, and in hindsight that was actually smart of her and it protected her, me, and her kids from one more potential train wreck of a relationship which her kids had already been through with her ex husband. Nothing wrong with sex for the sake of sex, walk away and enjoy the rest of your life.
GoBlue Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I have a simple question for you - what are your hopes and dreams for your children? Do you want them to have a FWB? Do you want them involved in "casual sex"? Do you want them to find meaningful and lasting love? I know the answer that I would choose. Since I know what I want for my children I know that the best hope of them getting it is to model and demonstrate that behavior for them. No - it's not 100% effective but it is the best way to teach. Be thankful you are not in a situation where you don't get to spend time with your kids on a regular basis. I know how lonely it gets when you don't have interaction and contact with someone of the opposite sex, but it's a hundred times worse when you don't have access to your kids like you want. You are a blessed man. The other thing will take care of itself.
Sunfire73 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I understand your predicament. That is like the most difficult part in dating. I honestly have guys like you wanting to date me when i was in OLD, but I admit once that i see that they have more than 3 kids, and little ones, I pass. But ktya has some valid tips. For now, I guess you just have to date, but be upfront about kids. Tell them that you are open for a relationship, but don't expect anything. Just have fun for now, and let things flow or progress naturally. The right woman would understand and would be willing to compromise, the others would bail. So just date without expecting anything but fun. Once you get comfortable with someone and you can see her as a potential girlfriend, then you can establish your dynamics, how often you can see each other, when the right time to meet kids, what their role would be, or any expectations you feel comfortable sharing with each other. Good Luck!
ktya Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 One thing I said but I will highlight- The key is to have a regular schedule where you are available to date that is RELIABLE. I mentioned Saturday nights, it could be Sunday or Friday nights or whatever depending on your work schedule and your support network. It just has to be a reliable 24 hour period. You dont have to spend 24 hours a week with her but you need to have the flexibility to plan anything from going out for dinner to a full blown night where you stay over at her house or she stays at yours without feeling rushed. If you are dating a woman who has no kids she just will never understand all the juggling that you have to do. Dont even get into it. If your night is Saturday you can zap her on the Thursday and ask if she's free or set up plans a week in advance. If you are dating a woman who does have kids she will get it and you can try to syncronize your schedules if it looks like its going somewhere. She will understand the juggling. Oh and one mistake that I have found single moms and dads alike make perpetually... they talk about their kids nonstop on dates. DONT. Find some crap to talk about other than your kids. It will be a huge turn off to a woman without kids (and they often have hotter bodies. :-D ) and a woman with kids already will be looking for a bit of an escape from mommyhood.
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