FairyGurl Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hello everyone, There is a lot that I could write so I will try to summarize the situation the best I can. But as the title suggests, I am currently having problems regarding my boyfriend and his ex. To start, I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. I met him at my prom and he had a date with him although he's told me that they broke up a month before and he still took her because he promised her. However, they kissed several times throughout the night which confused me. When I first started talking to him, I did not think we would eventually form a relationship so I didn't mind the kissing because it was none of my business. But once we started getting more serious, I asked him and he told me that "she can get too friendly sometimes, that's just how she is" and that he didn't mind it since he was single at that time and he felt it was no harm since they were just friends. I decided to not worry too much about this at first but now, 8 months into our relationship, I've found out other things that have caused me to reconsider this. Me and my boyfriend have been planning to go to the beach sometime this summer and he informed me that he had a friend who lived near the shore with her boyfriend. I thought it was nice of this friend to offer to drive us, especially since it would be about a two hour ride to get here and then 2 hours to get back to the beach so I asked him who it would be if we did go. He says to me, "oh, you know her." When he said this, I knew exactly who he was talking about. It was the ex from the prom because he told me that part of the reason they broke up was because she was moving away. Now, I don't necessarily think being friends with an ex is a bad thing (because it doesn't have to be) but I felt weird that he kept it from me all this time. When I talked to him, he told me that me didn't tell me all this time because he thought it would be "awkward" but admitted he should have been more straight about it earlier. But where the problem comes in is that he tells me she REALLY wants to drive us because she wanted to hangout and she wants me, my boyfriend, her, and her boyfriend to all hang out and be friendly with each other. I reminded my boyfriend that the trip was supposed to be just us two and I asked him why we would all need to hang out together. The reason he gave me was that he hadn't seen her in a while and wanted to hang out with her but agreed that it was weird that she wanted me to be friendly with her and her boyfriend since I feel it's not really my business to be trying to be friends with a girl I barely know and her boyfriend. Plus my boyfriend says that the ex's boyfriend HATES him so I feel like it wouldn't be a good idea to have us spend a whole day at the beach together. What feels wrong about this whole thing is how she didn't really seemed too interested in me at the prom but now says she thinks I'm a "nice person" and wants to get to know me more. Plus like I said before my boyfriend said that she can be "too friendly" sometimes which makes me weary. On top of this, I found out he went to hang out at her house when she visited here a few months ago. During that time, he told me he was going to see a "female friend" but never mentioned her name or who she was. When I asked him about this once I found out he said, "oh, sorry" as if it didn't matter much. Lastly, I asked him why they decided to be friends after breaking up and he told me that it was because they were friends before they dated so they remained friends after. But he only knew her for like 5 months before the prom and they were messing around with each other most of that time plus the kissing at the prom makes me believe they didn't find closure so it wasn't like they were really close friends before they were intimate with each other. And the boyfriend she has now is an ex she got back with after leaving my boyfriend which makes me feel like it's possible she could be wanting to keep my boyfriend around for similar reasons. There are other details I left out (such as facebook) but I think this should be enough. I just feel a little betrayed that he would keep meeting with her and talking with her a secret from me after our relationship starting getting more serious and that he would prefer to hang out with her and her boyfriend when it was supposed to be a trip for just us. And I'm also feeling a little weary about the ex. I wanted to know what everyone thinks. Am I worrying too much or do you think I should at least look out? Do I have a right to feel weird about her behavior and the fact that he's just bringing her up now? Thanks!
beach Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I wouldn't go to the beach with her involved! And IF he decides to go without you - well, you then know he makes her his priority over you. 2
Mrin Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I think you have a right to feel wierd about it and also not be at all interested in hanging out with his ex and her BF. But I also think you are really insecure in this. Don't think there is anything wrong with him being friends with his ex. It doesn't sound like the romantic side was all that intense. Then again, I am kind of an oddball as a post I made to FB today had 15 likes - 6 of them were from women I had dated or am dating currently (1). So I am really comfortable delineating between friendship and romance. My suggestion - drive yourselves. Seriously. It will do you two some good to road trip tighter. Have lunch with Ex and her BF and spend the rest of the time with your BF at beach. Solved
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Their level of contact combined with the fact they've met up without your knowledge is concerning. I would suggest going to the beach alone; there's no need for all 4 of you to hang out together given their history and the fact that her boyfriend doesn't likes yours. Why make an awkward situation worse? If he can't see where you're coming from, I would reconsider his commitment to you. Exes can be friends, sure. But his inability to be forthcoming about their continued communication would make me uneasy.
Author FairyGurl Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you everyone so far for your answers. I already told him that I didn't think it would be a good idea to go with the two and he said that's okay. However, I'm still a bit annoyed that he would even think I would agree to spend the only time we could go to the beach together for a while with two people I barely know. I'm still having trouble getting over eveything I've learned.
marcjb Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) I'm still having trouble getting over eveything I've learned. ... and rightfully so, EX's have no place in a relationship that's supposed to be serious with commitment. If he presses the issue again in the future, tell him he can pursue the "friendship" alone. Edited June 11, 2014 by marcjb
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