2sunny Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Have you considered calling her up and asking for her detailed version of the story? I would! ONLY because you feel he hasn't revealed everything - and she may be capable of providing some info he's unwilling to give. If nothing else you can get her perspective. I only recommend this if you are feeling strong enough to hold your own against a woman that may make you upset... Only call to gather more info - not to engage in finger pointing.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 That will never happen. She's a pathological liar.She never even told her husband the truth and he left her and she still insists she was the victim (whe was one too..he left her for a very, very young girl and should e arrested) and has never done anything wrong. I was ordered by my counselor today to stop looking at anything she posts, but all her posts are about cheaters and what trash they are. Even though she chased my husband for more than three years (yep...he let her do that so he is to blame too) , slept with him, took his money and tried to get him to move with her. Have you considered calling her up and asking for her detailed version of the story? I would! ONLY because you feel he hasn't revealed everything - and she may be capable of providing some info he's unwilling to give. If nothing else you can get her perspective. I only recommend this if you are feeling strong enough to hold your own against a woman that may make you upset... Only call to gather more info - not to engage in finger pointing.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Yah, I'd want to know why my H thought that was appealing. I think he owes you some solid answers IF he expects you to stay married!
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) He doesn't know how to explain the why. We've been able to establish it was both a distraction and the fact she paid attention to him when he felt I wasn't.That last one is a hard one for me. It was hard to pay attention to him when our son was having asthma attacks every day and my body had turned on me and was slowly killing me. So now I end up feeling guilty about something I couldn't even help. He doesn't say this to me anymore. it was only when we were in a heated discussion, but I can't shake that guilt and even now, if I feel bad, I fake it because in the back of my mind I think...he'll go out and have another affair. He told me this is absurd, but he understands why I think this way. He said he's learned so much and has so many resources now to rely on for help. BUT he won't go back to his counselor so we lost one of those resources. He was also trying to rescue her. The woman has crisis after crisis after crisis. the problem with that? I was in the middle of the worst medical crisis of my life but he couldn't fix that so he abandoned me while he gave her money and attention, fixing all her problems with that. I've told him since then that had he paid attention to me more, maybe I wouldn't have felt like I was dying so often andgotten some hope back in my life. But he's been working hard to redeem himself, to show me he loves me and cares. He shows a lot more attention now...checks on me and makes sure both our son and I am OK. This year he said he doesn't want anything for Father's Day because he doesn't feel like he's been a good father for a very long time. He hadn't been, but in the last few months he has changed immensely and is now a better father than he ever was. Yah, I'd want to know why my H thought that was appealing. I think he owes you some solid answers IF he expects you to stay married! Edited June 13, 2014 by tornapart2002
2sunny Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 He needs to admit to you out loud what he felt like while rescuing her. It may help him to understand the illusion she created FOR him of being so important that it was his job to save her.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 That's a good way to put it, but I won't force him to do that. We will get there eventually. I believe we will. I know what he felt like, even though he hasn't said it in these words: he felt needed, wanted, appreciated (even though he said he doesn't remember her ever thanking him for what he did for her and her kids and even her husband, helping them move several states away. He said one reason he wanted them moved was because he wanted her gone and out of his life. The problem with that? He continued the EA months after she had moved and planned to go see her. He needs to admit to you out loud what he felt like while rescuing her. It may help him to understand the illusion she created FOR him of being so important that it was his job to save her.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 It's important for him to be the white knight. He gains something by it. You may realize it - but it's his to sift through and to learn from. If he doesn't realize what he's done and why he did it - and how he's never going to do it again - he's likely to just keep doing it to get that "feel good" feeling it gives him. If he's not willing to get honest with himself - then expect to live in a very broken marriage... Until he does it again. 1
HereNorThere Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) A little paranoia is more than justified in your situation. In fact, I don't there are many normal, healthy people who wouldn't be. If it's just normal "what if this happened" daydreaming, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. If you're having debilitating panic attacks waiting for the other shoe to drop, you should definitely talk to your doctor. So what if your worst fear comes true and it happens again? Are you willing to give up YOUR life and happiness because of something he did? It's obvious that you're a strong person and if it did happen, you'd be ok. Look yourself in the mirror every morning (or night, whateves) and say " I (insert real name here) can handle anything life throws at me. I will always do everything in my power to improve myself and maintain my happiness" or some other meaningful self affirmation. Lol, I actually get all ghetto-alphaesque with mine and kinda beat on my chest and scream "They gon' have to kill me, son" meaning that the only way someone can take my happiness or my peace of mind is by killing me. Lol, other people can't read this, right? Oh god, how did this get here. I am not good with computer. Your husband may cheat, my iPhone battery might explode in my hand writing this, an undetected asteroid may be headed straight towards earth. These are the chances we have to take as humans. My opinion is that you're best served building confidence in yourself. Besides, it seems like you've got the better track record anyway. Lol, amirite? My cat's name is mittens. Edited June 14, 2014 by HereNorThere 2
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Thank you. And you are right. I would be OK. Who I want to protect more than myself in this situation is our son. He doesn't deserve any of what has been thrown at him since all of this started --though the last few months have been great for him, thankfully. My WH knows if anything like this ever happens again he will no longer be here. I have already told him he may get a second chance, but he will never get a third. A little paranoia is more than justified in your situation. In fact, I don't there are many normal, healthy people who wouldn't be. If it's just normal "what if this happened" daydreaming, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. If you're having debilitating panic attacks waiting for the other shoe to drop, you should definitely talk to your doctor. So what if your worst fear comes true and it happens again? Are you willing to give up YOUR life and happiness because of something he did? It's obvious that you're a strong person and if it did happen, you'd be ok. Look yourself in the mirror every morning (or night, whateves) and say " I (insert real name here) can handle anything life throws at me. I will always do everything in my power to improve myself and maintain my happiness" or some other meaningful self affirmation. Lol, I actually get all ghetto-alphaesque with mine and kinda beat on my chest and scream "They gon' have to kill me, son" meaning that the only way someone can take my happiness or my peace of mind is by killing me. Lol, other people can't read this, right? Oh god, how did this get here. I am not good with computer. Your husband may cheat, my iPhone battery might explode in my hand writing this, an undetected asteroid may be headed straight towards earth. These are the chances we have to take as humans. My opinion is that you're best served building confidence in yourself. Besides, it seems like you've got the better track record anyway. Lol, amirite? My cat's name is mittens.
katielee Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 a link to how traumatized the BS is: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 a link to how traumatized the BS is: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault I feel like it is my fault. My fault I can't getover this and move on. He's trying hard. He's trying to be honest with himself why he did this. He's processing it all in his head. HE's trying to be a better husband and father...he listens during my breakdowns (sometimes he does have to walk away, but most of the time he's there listening and trying to comfort and take the blame for it all). I feel like i will never heal. Never get better. Never stop looking over my shoulder; never stop walking around my town with my head down because I feel ashamed of being so stupid for so long. I feel like my neighbor is gathering information for the OW because she knows her family. I dont talk to my neighbor and keep my blinds closed so she can't see in my windows. I'm pretty freaking screwed up and I really want to be over it now. I want to not worry the OW is going to knock on our door one day or contact me and try to tell me even more of it all. I want to stop worrying her psycho BH, will try to get revenge on her and somehow go aftre my family to do it. I hate my husband put me in this situatio, but I keep thinking it isn't the circumstances you are in but how you respond to them. I hate that I don't have a job right now so I stay home all day and this rolls aruond in myhead. I try to get out but I can't all the time. I have our son all day now that it is summer. I'm a basket of crazy most of the time quite frankly.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 a link to how traumatized the BS is: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault I am bawling while i read this. Nothing else has ever explained how I feel in such a way that I feel like my heart has been ripped open and exposed. I wish the OW/OM on these forums could read this. To know what they are helping the husband or wife do their spouse. Of course it is not all their fault but they are a partner in this destruction and I wish they understood that.
HereNorThere Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I feel like it is my fault. My fault I can't getover this and move on. He's trying hard. He's trying to be honest with himself why he did this. He's processing it all in his head. HE's trying to be a better husband and father...he listens during my breakdowns (sometimes he does have to walk away, but most of the time he's there listening and trying to comfort and take the blame for it all). I feel like i will never heal. Never get better. Never stop looking over my shoulder; never stop walking around my town with my head down because I feel ashamed of being so stupid for so long. I feel like my neighbor is gathering information for the OW because she knows her family. I dont talk to my neighbor and keep my blinds closed so she can't see in my windows. I'm pretty freaking screwed up and I really want to be over it now. I want to not worry the OW is going to knock on our door one day or contact me and try to tell me even more of it all. I want to stop worrying her psycho BH, will try to get revenge on her and somehow go aftre my family to do it. I hate my husband put me in this situatio, but I keep thinking it isn't the circumstances you are in but how you respond to them. I hate that I don't have a job right now so I stay home all day and this rolls aruond in myhead. I try to get out but I can't all the time. I have our son all day now that it is summer. I'm a basket of crazy most of the time quite frankly. It's not your fault and it does get better. Although it doesn't seem possible, I've suffered betrayals worse than infidelity, and it does. When you say he's "trying", just remember that everyone finds god in prison. Seriously though, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I'm not religious, so I don't pray, but you will be in my thoughts tonight. 1
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