tornapart2002 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You ever feel crazy for being paranoid? Like everything is going great.your WS has given you no reason to feel paranoid, but you still feel like someone is going to try to ruin all the progress you've made? My husband has been amazing and attentive and open and making plans for our house and we don't talk about the OW because he gets very upset and throws up sometimes when the topic comes up or has a panic attack. He asks for my forgiveness sometimes a couple times a week. Tells me how sorry he is for all of this and wishes he had gotten counseling for issues he had before (though now he won't go back to his counselor and I don't know why or how to handle that because I don't want to be a nagging wife). I worry so often that OW is going to try to push her way back in now that her husband has left. Like she's going to think WH still wants her when he tells me, if her name comes up, that he doesn't think about her unless I bring her up. "All I want to do is rebuild this marriage and our family," he says. I believe him, but then I doubt and get scared and anxious and paranoid like I am right now. There are other medical factors at play in my life right now and I know part of them are causing some of my issues...I know this is probably a normal part of recovery too...I guess I just needed to vent it out somewhere. The OW is over 1,000 miles away, by the way. It's not like I think she's going to show up on our doorstep, but yet I still can't help feeling all nerved up from time to time.
Clay Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I think it is some what normal to feel all the feelings you are feeling. I hope it does not last long for you but I am sure it wont be easy to get passed this. It was really hard for me and I hated every minute of it. Sadly things did not work out for me. I only can tell you time was my friend. It helped me through most of it. I don't know if anyone will truly ever heal but I sure hope so. I am sorry you are going through this. Clay 3
mikethemechanic Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Hire a p.i get him to investigate or demand a lie detector test! 2
dichotomy Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) Crazy? no, my WW lied, hid and cheated, OM was (is) a predator. Despite being over 600 miles away, He actually did try to get in contact several times - for years after dDay. Would not be unreasonable for him to come out here for a weekend for some reason and tempt her to see him in person. Paranoia is the irrational fear someone or something is out to get you when there is no justification. However its not irrational to think a dog who bit you once will bite you again. i think the difference is whether it becomes a fear based and overwhelming emotional response or merely rational concern. It can take some time. How long has it been for you? I am not clear - your husband (with or without you) NEVER had therapy afterwards? Edited June 12, 2014 by dichotomy 1
BetrayedH Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I might suggest that you ask him to get back into counseling - with a different therapist if necessary. If your H is as sensitive as you say, he should understand that continuing to work thru his issues is a lot of what is going to reassure you that you won't suffer a repeat performance. If he's thrown in the towel on being introspective, that would be a bit of a red flag to me. This is about more than guilt or shame; it's about fixing what was broken. 3
Trustnoone Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 When infidelity hit me it changed almost everything about me. The impact of the trauma destroyed me to my very core. I lost confidence, had low self esteem, emasculated, and hope. I was never suicidal in my life until this happened. I was happy, a prankster, enjoying life and had it all stripped away. Paranoid, I would say I'm waiting for the hammer to drop. That her AP try to come back into her life or she finds a new one. I admitted to our MC that I have trust issues but since the affair it's multiplied. I think that loss of confidence, trust, and low self esteem equal paranoid. Now WW says this will never happen again and she is remorseful, ashamed, and so sorry she hurt me to this level but I can only think she is capable. I haven't even started on the lies and deception that will cause you to be paranoid also. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I really don't know how you can stay with him after that. You will likely feel stress, anxiety and paranoia for years if not forever. He has shown you what he is capable of. I don't know how even "family" is worth your mental torture. 1
goodyblue Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 He throws up? I have heard some weird things but this is pretty high on the list. 1
gettingstronger Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 No, you are not crazy- when your faith in humanity is shattered it leaves scars- sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and it leaves me paranoid as well- I also think your husband should go back to counseling- I know its tough-my husband also throws up when confronted with what he has done, he pukes in counseling quite a bit-its not weird- I'd puke too if I had to face doing all of that-however, I can say that confronting who/what you were is necessary otherwise it just festers-he also has problems sleeping, etc... Keep on keeping on and all the best to you- 1
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 It's been about 10 months. He is with me and he was in counseling and doing well. He liked his counselor. She took a two month break and when she came back he never called her back. He hasn't seen her in three months. He has deep seeded issues with his mom (she's a pyschopath) and his sister (she's apparently taking lessons from his mom and hasn't contacted us in over six months, despite living less than a mile from our house) and I insist he needs to deal with those issues to deal with what led to the affair, as well as other things, of course. Crazy? no, my WW lied, hid and cheated, OM was (is) a predator. Despite being over 600 miles away, He actually did try to get in contact several times - for years after dDay. Would not be unreasonable for him to come out here for a weekend for some reason and tempt her to see him in person. Paranoia is the irrational fear someone or something is out to get you when there is no justification. However its not irrational to think a dog who bit you once will bite you again. i think the difference is whether it becomes a fear based and overwhelming emotional response or merely rational concern. It can take some time. How long has it been for you? I am not clear - your husband (with or without you) NEVER had therapy afterwards?
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 I might suggest that you ask him to get back into counseling - with a different therapist if necessary. If your H is as sensitive as you say, he should understand that continuing to work thru his issues is a lot of what is going to reassure you that you won't suffer a repeat performance. If he's thrown in the towel on being introspective, that would be a bit of a red flag to me. This is about more than guilt or shame; it's about fixing what was broken. He likes his counselor a lot, but when she took two months off he tried another one and hated her. so now she's been back for over a month and he won't call her. I like the way you worded it about why I want him to work through his issues. That's exactly it, but I want to word it in a way that does not sound like I am nagging. I have mentioned this to him but he said "I have more resources now..." and lists the counselor and our pastor, but doesn't call either for regular support. It's like he wants to sweep it under the rug in some ways, but is still open to letting me talk about things and talks with me about them. He relies on books he's reading, he claims, and on a pastor we watch through a ministry called Marriage Today (it really is a great resource, but I just hope he's really watching them). I don't know if it is so much the A issue he wants to avoid in counseling but the other issues with his mom and sister (he doesn't have a father. His mom left his father when he was a kid and told everyone the dad beat her. She's a pathological liar so no one knows what to believe. His father figure died right before the A wratched up). He says he doesn't have to discuss those issues and doesn't plan to. and says I'm no longer allowed to discuss his sister and any issues we've had with her. I can discuss her in counseling but not at home. However, he's brought her up and I've just let him go if he wants to and try not to contribute to his bitching about her. She cut me out on DDay because..um...I guess I was the cause of everything? I have no idea, but she's made it clear for years my son and husband were welcome at things but I was not.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 My husband said he's had to pull off the road because of panic attacks and vomiting when he thinks of it all. Well, he's not alone, especially when I saw a recent photo of her and how scary she is and have seen her FB pages in the past and how nasty of a person she is. I almost want to have myself tested for STDs again, but already did. He claims he did but I know he didn't get tested for crap. He says he used protection the one time he slept with her and won't talk anymore about it. I feel he lied about that and many other issues, but now that we're moving forward neither of us want to drag that back out again. No, you are not crazy- when your faith in humanity is shattered it leaves scars- sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and it leaves me paranoid as well- I also think your husband should go back to counseling- I know its tough-my husband also throws up when confronted with what he has done, he pukes in counseling quite a bit-its not weird- I'd puke too if I had to face doing all of that-however, I can say that confronting who/what you were is necessary otherwise it just festers-he also has problems sleeping, etc... Keep on keeping on and all the best to you- 1
snappytomcat Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 you know what torn I felt like that for about 7 months,and my husband was also doing everything right,making me feel safe and loved,being an open book,but I had to make the decision inside me,that if I want this to work out as bad as he does,i have to move forward,and it was tough,especially the first time he wanted to go out with the boys,he really wanted me to go with him,but I was to tired,and I figured,this will happen eventually anyways,so I told him go have fun with your friends,and I thought I would be sitting next to my phone biting my finger nails(I do that when im nervous)but I was fine,he was only out for a bit,i just had to come to the realization that I want to live my life,happy and not paranoid,now don't get me wrong I will never ever blindly trust him,but ive known this man for over half of my life,and he knows he what he will lose if he cheats again 2
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 My husband says "If she hasn't contacted my by now, she's not going to. She's just not." What he doesn't understand is women. It's what got him into trouble in first place. of course she's going to try. Her husband has left her. She's raising three kids, one of them pregnant, and she's going to start thinking about how things were unresolved with WH and how she wants to rectify that now that her husband is out of the way and she can. She's said off and on in the last month on pages I shouldn't have been looking at (because dammit she's taken up too much of my brain!!!!) that "this was the choice I had to make" while in a photo wearing my husband's ****ing hat. she didn't make the choice, my husband did. He cut her off with no explanation, nothing. I told him last night..that's why she'll think the door is still open. He never told her in no uncertain terms to contact him again. He told me last night "If she calls me I will tell her in no uncertain terms...but she's not going to." He says he'll also call me immediately or forward me any emails she tries to send.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Yes. The lies...for 18 months at least, though he says it was not that long. doesn't matter. Any length was too long. It's the waiting for the hammer to drop that really gets me. She used to stalk me on Google Plus and I really want to put something up about her staying away or I'll slap a restraining order on her, but I don't know if I even want to stir the "sleeping dragon." A the same time i'd rather we get this over with now. I have this feeling, deep down, that she is not done and she is going to try to get him to come back to her. it's what she's done for years....she'd cheat on him, trash him and then go back to him when the man dropped her. He met me and I had hoped that cycle was over. I thought i could protect him but you can't protect a man who spinelessly runs back to a woman who abuses him. Your pain is so palpable here. I wish we didn't have to go through all of this. It pisses me off. In some ways I think a PA is even worse for a man than a woman. It really makes me angry at women who cheat on their husbands, especially if her huband is a good guy. Doesn't mean I let men off at all!!! When infidelity hit me it changed almost everything about me. The impact of the trauma destroyed me to my very core. I lost confidence, had low self esteem, emasculated, and hope. I was never suicidal in my life until this happened. I was happy, a prankster, enjoying life and had it all stripped away. Paranoid, I would say I'm waiting for the hammer to drop. That her AP try to come back into her life or she finds a new one. I admitted to our MC that I have trust issues but since the affair it's multiplied. I think that loss of confidence, trust, and low self esteem equal paranoid. Now WW says this will never happen again and she is remorseful, ashamed, and so sorry she hurt me to this level but I can only think she is capable. I haven't even started on the lies and deception that will cause you to be paranoid also.
Trustnoone Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Tornapart2002 I see your pain as recognizable as mine. I can't stand infidelity and the emotions that come with it. We had MC two nights ago and my therapist says I've made great strides. I looked at her, smiled and said very calmly, was I walking out the door?! Each and every time I tell our therapist I hate therapy, but the sad truth is I need it. Even therapy made me paranoid that she would commit me. I would look to see if the police were around at any surrounding business's. Infidelity just completely sucks. Sorry for your pain and good luck.
Haydn Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 original topic. The paranoid people i have met in my life have usually been failures. They tend to try to bring down success by trying to be so cynical.
2sunny Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Why are you afraid to ask for what you need? If he won't go back to counseling then have him move out! You have every right to expect him to DO the work necessary to repair that damage he caused. If you need it - tell him "this is what I need you to do"!
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 A little update. I very untactfully brought up the counseling today when we were talking about a health insurance change (I won't comment on why this is changing, but I'm fairly pissed about WHY. Too political for here..) and how this means our counseling most likely won't be covered by our new insurance. He told me it isn't just that talking makes him uncomfortable but he's pissed at how it was handled when the counselor went on vacation for two months. SHe didn't recommend anyone else for him, didn't pass his information on to another counselor even. So when he called someone himself and went in, the woman made him start from the beginning andmade him feel like crap abot himself all over again byasking "Do you even have any remorse?" It was a really awful session for him. He also confessed that he's been on a forum for WSs and didn't want me to know because he didn't want me to see his posts. I passive-agressively shot back "Oh..like you looked at mine?" and immediately regretted it and apologized. He said I shouldn't apologize and he was in the wrong when he did that. "I can't go back and fix that. I shoudln't have done it. I'm sorry." That was referencing when he snooped on here and saw what I'd written about him on here. Anyhow, just wanted to update a little bit. So....we will see if we can find a new counselor and in the meantime he said he is also reading a host of books I suggested to him (After the Affair, etc.)
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 original topic. The paranoid people i have met in my life have usually been failures. They tend to try to bring down success by trying to be so cynical. So...are you saying I'm a failure because I feel paranoid? Or that I'm in the danger of becoming one? Sorry...not sure how helpful this particular comment was.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 A little update. I very untactfully brought up the counseling today when we were talking about a health insurance change (I won't comment on why this is changing, but I'm fairly pissed about WHY. Too political for here..) and how this means our counseling most likely won't be covered by our new insurance. He told me it isn't just that talking makes him uncomfortable but he's pissed at how it was handled when the counselor went on vacation for two months. SHe didn't recommend anyone else for him, didn't pass his information on to another counselor even. So when he called someone himself and went in, the woman made him start from the beginning andmade him feel like crap abot himself all over again byasking "Do you even have any remorse?" It was a really awful session for him. He also confessed that he's been on a forum for WSs and didn't want me to know because he didn't want me to see his posts. I passive-agressively shot back "Oh..like you looked at mine?" and immediately regretted it and apologized. He said I shouldn't apologize and he was in the wrong when he did that. "I can't go back and fix that. I shoudln't have done it. I'm sorry." That was referencing when he snooped on here and saw what I'd written about him on here. Anyhow, just wanted to update a little bit. So....we will see if we can find a new counselor and in the meantime he said he is also reading a host of books I suggested to him (After the Affair, etc.) So sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry about the insurance thing too. I just recently went through the same. In my case, the reason for the forced insurance change starts with "Obama" and ends with "Care". Not to get into politics in the interest of keeping my blood pressure in the normal range. I agree with 2sunny (a phrase I don't get to say too often - just teasing 2sunny) that you should expect him to come clean with you about everything. Otherwise I can understand why you feel the way you do. You need to process it, and how do you do that when you don't know all the truth? 1
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 Yeah um....Obamacare....yeah...that's my issue too right now. Great plan and I'm being punished for....I can't remember what this was supposed to fix so I'm plenty pissed off right now that it's very possible my counseling will no longer be covered in another month. And I agree about needing to know everything. He has insisted that I do know everything, but I wonder sometimes if there are things he doesn't want to tell me because he is afraid to hurt me more. Still...he knows the OW knows how to get ahold of me and could tell me anytime. Not only that but she has a cheating husband who wants revenge on her (even though he cheated on her too and left her!) because he knows she cheated but lies about it and frequently posts on FB, etc. that she is innocent and loyal and he is a cheater. I'm amazed at her boldness, quite frankly. So sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry about the insurance thing too. I just recently went through the same. In my case, the reason for the forced insurance change starts with "Obama" and ends with "Care". Not to get into politics in the interest of keeping my blood pressure in the normal range. I agree with 2sunny (a phrase I don't get to say too often - just teasing 2sunny) that you should expect him to come clean with you about everything. Otherwise I can understand why you feel the way you do. You need to process it, and how do you do that when you don't know all the truth?
Poppygoodwill Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I haven't been what you've been through, so I'm in no position to give advice. But I have learned an important thing in life: trust is a choice. It's entirely reasonable that you are on high alert, vigilant in the event that she comes sniffing around again, trying to tip your world on its axis. And the truth is: she might. There's a fair chance she will, for the reasons you listed. But *she* is not the problem of course. Your husband is hte problem. And the solution. What you have to trust is that he will be a good man and not fall again into temptation. You have to choose to trust him to do the right thing. So no matter how many floozies throw themselves at him, he will rebuff them. Paranoia is exhausting. Eventually you might come to a time when you think "I've had enough" and just decide to trust him becuase you don' thave the energy anymore to worry that he's not trustworthy. On a related note: I would be sorely tempted to go adn see her and kick her ass so she knows not to dare come around again. Maybe you've already done that, but it's worth thinking about. The high road has its place - keeping your dignity and all that blah blah blah - but sometimes the low road is where you get the job done. :-) 1
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 On a related note: I would be sorely tempted to go adn see her and kick her ass so she knows not to dare come around again. Maybe you've already done that, but it's worth thinking about. The high road has its place - keeping your dignity and all that blah blah blah - but sometimes the low road is where you get the job done. :-) I am sorely tempted, but one, she is over 1,000 miles away, for now (but with family in the area) and two, please don't take this as me slamming her for her weight, it's just true...she is about 150 to 200 lbs heavier than me! sometimes that makes me feel better because I always worried I was too fat for my husband and that's why he did this. But then I feel worse because I think he chose that over me?! How dang bad was I? Of course I know affairs are not about how a person looks, though. Yeah, I do get that judgemental sometimes and it does not make me proud of myself. I lost 50 lbs last year...doesn't make me better than anyone. I hit rock bottom, before I found out about all of this, and had to change how I was eating or die. It was the best thing I ever did for my health not my looks. That doesn'tmake me better than her, though. We all have our own journeys. What I think makes me better than her is that though I've left a few jabs on social media where she can see them, I haven't contacted her and bitched her out and I haven't disrespected her publically like she has me by bragging she has a hat of of my husband's...which is severely immature considering I have him.
snappytomcat Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I am sorely tempted, but one, she is over 1,000 miles away, for now (but with family in the area) and two, please don't take this as me slamming her for her weight, it's just true...she is about 150 to 200 lbs heavier than me! sometimes that makes me feel better because I always worried I was too fat for my husband and that's why he did this. But then I feel worse because I think he chose that over me?! How dang bad was I? Of course I know affairs are not about how a person looks, though. Yeah, I do get that judgemental sometimes and it does not make me proud of myself. I lost 50 lbs last year...doesn't make me better than anyone. I hit rock bottom, before I found out about all of this, and had to change how I was eating or die. It was the best thing I ever did for my health not my looks. That doesn'tmake me better than her, though. We all have our own journeys. What I think makes me better than her is that though I've left a few jabs on social media where she can see them, I haven't contacted her and bitched her out and I haven't disrespected her publically like she has me by bragging she has a hat of of my husband's...which is severely immature considering I have him. torn I was very judgemental too,and that's not me in real life,im a free spirit,but dday bough out so much ugliness in myself,im glad to be getting back to myself,like ive always been dday happened on Monday june 7th 2013,and I found concrete proof that early afternoon,my husband rushed home when I called him,i guess to do damage control,the moment dday happened,i was in complete shock for a few hours I didn't cry,or talk,but then when I saw a pic of xow,i didn't know if I should cry,or laugh,i thought OMG!!shes very unattractive,that all I will say about her looks. about 8 months ago something triggered me,and I forgot what bought it up,and he said honestly I don't even remember what she looked like,i said WTF!iand I yelled back well yeah if I slept with something like that,i wouldn't want to remember either,but unfortunately I remember what the hag looks like,ive come a long way since then,ive moved on,and I know im better than her in every way,and it was never a competition,im sure to her it was,but I don't have to compete for a man,it was a one sided competition that's for sure 1
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