brando277 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 First post ever on here so here goes: I was wondering if anyone on here has ever experienced what happened to me. I dated my ex gf for only 6 month…it seems like many stories here are from much longer relationships. We met in our church and are actually both apart of the same Sunday School class. Looking back now, without so much emotion clouding my thinking, it’s clear our relationship was not a real good fit. But we all know how crazy we can get when someone walks away. Having met her in church, I soon found out that she was a HUGE believer in the “perfect one” mind set. She believes that God has a man that has been personally hand-crafted from the foundation of the world made just for her. About a month after we were together she once told me that she always hoped that God would give her a “peace” (a word she would use on me constantly) on the very first date that this man is “the perfect one”. I am 34 and she is very nearly 37. She has never been married, but broke off an engagement when she was in her ealy 20s. Since that time she has only been in one long term relationship and a smattering of very short-term relationships. After we had been seeing each other for about 4 months I asked her to officially be my girlfriend. She said yes and the VERY NEXT DAY she asked me to meet and talk. She pretty much told me she wasn’t sure about things and that she wasn’t sure if I was the one God wanted her to be with. Her rationalization was that if “us” were God’s will then she should have an overwhelming peace. She said she did not have a peace, but she had and “unsettledness” and “fear”. She was constantly, throughout the course of our relationship, telling me how perfect I am and how good-looking and how attracted she was to me and to my body. We never had sex because we were both trying to do things “right”, but we did mess around which seemed to bring in more confusion for her, which is even weirder since she initiated the physical contact. We separated for about 3 weeks, but then started talking again. She told me she has a “feeling beyond fear” of commitment. I tried to be patient and was thinking we could slowly ease into things. It only lasted about another 2 months and she broke it off again siting a “lack of peace” from God. Since we have been broken up, multiple people have told me that she has done this type of things to numerous guys and numerous people have told me they were surprised I lasted as long with her as I did since she almost always does this after a couple weeks and I last a whopping 6 months with her. I’ve also had a few people who know us both that have told me how she has told them how much she really likes me, but that she just doesn’t know how to know if a person is who God wants her to be with. She told me a few times that she wanted to marry me, but she didn’t have a “peace” from God to give me her heart. Its was so confusing to hear a girl tell me how perfect I am and how much she wants to be with me, but that God is not allowing it. Even my pastor asked me after we broke up about how things were going and when I told him that she ended things cause she wasn’t sure, he rolled his eyes and smiled and said “don’t worry, she’s only told every guy she ever dated that”. I guess I’m wondering is do you guys really think this is a case of this girl being afraid of commitment? It’s what everyone I know is saying and that she has these crazy thoughts that God will hand deliver her a husband and that she will “instantly” know. Like she doesn’t have to put her heart on the line, but it’s more of an obedience thing. Like “I will marry you cause God is telling me to”. But when I come on here and read so many of what you all have to say about attraction and feelings, and the lack there of…. that makes MUCH MORE sense. I cannot fathom how a person would claim that they think I am perfect and can’t wait to spend all their time with me and can’t keep her hands off me would choose to end things and be single ( I know she is single….our circle of friends are one and the same). It makes much more sense to just think that she was using God as a scape goat to not hurt me….even though she swears that she is not doing that. We have been broken up for 3 months and I am on 2 months of NC (I can't go strict NC). I feel much MUCH better now. Things do get better!! I think once I came to grips with the fact that she is really not going to change her mind, the letting go process was much easier. I’ve shed 16lbs in the last 2 months and am in the best shape of my life. I attend a very large church and still many numerous opportunities to date women, even though in in my 30’s. I can have my pick on any girl in my single’s class at church (not trying to sound arrogant, but it’s true). This last month of NC my ex has stop coming to class and she even changed her seat at church to the very back and she bolts out as soon as the service is over and she never goes to our class functions/outings anymore. It was not really possible for me to go strict no contact since church is a big part of our lives and I wasn’t going to hide, but I never call/text/email/facebook her ever. A few weeks ago she came up to me to just say hi and it was VERY awkward….she expected me to keep the conversation going which I felt no need to do. I wasn’t rude I just said hi back and asked how she was and that was it. I figured she came up to me if she wanted to talk she could say what she needed to say which was apparently nothing….I guess I was supposed to start doing backflips of joy that she was talking to me. She sent me a couple email/breadcrumbs early in our BU that I ignored. I guess I was just wondering if anyone on here has ever had an experience like this….. breaking things off because they claim it’s not “God’s will”?? Seems almost laughable, but what do you guys think? Was this 37 year woman letting me down easy or do you think she might really have these commitment/fantasy issues? Btw....this place has been a real help the past couple months!!!
Chi townD Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) Geez, I hate when someone brings religion into a relationship as a LITERAL form of a guideline for a relationship. Look, I believe in God and I do go to church (not a bible thumper though), but one thing your girl is forgetting that God gave us all something and that's free will. Does God bring people into our lives? Perhaps, but it's our free will that allows us to CHOSE to have them in our lives. It's our free will that makes the decision to have these folks in our lives and foster a relationship with them. And it's our free will that makes the decision to end things with a person. God has nothing to do with that. You can ask him for guidance and wisdom during these hard decisions, but ultimately the choice is ours, not God, he left that responsibility to us. Edited June 11, 2014 by Chi townD
gj13 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I think she's just trying to hide her fear of making the wrong choice and commitment in religion. I believe in God and I do think there is a path that's presented, but i also believe your life isn't all written and there are choices that adapt and help you shape your own path. Relationships imply you giving yourself to another in a way that you might get hurt, but you cannot avoid it as it is what eventually makes you grow up and grow stronger. And i think it's just that, she's afraid of giving her heart to another who might not be the one. But she won't find "the one" that way, it's not a feeling that manifests itself during the first date, I'm sorry but that strikes me up as ridiculous. I'll assume she got awfully hurt, maybe in her first engagement, and she's just carrying around baggage and fears.
No Limit Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Maybe she just wanted to try a new excuse. Didn't hear that one before. 1
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