Mother wound

[Greentriangle]

Throughout my life, I had a troubled relationship with my mother. She told me she hated women and I was her " only friend". She dated other men while married and used " our time together" as an excuse to see these men when dad inquired. I participated in her secrets and thought that was closeness. When I became a teenager, my mom became very critical of me and soon left family. For a year I lived alone when 14 and that's when one of her ex interests raped me. I didn't tell anybody but my life was never the same. The man told me: you are paying for your mother. It was horrible. I thought I got over that but it wasn't the case as I realized later. Later, I moved back in with mother and her new husband. He was very abusive and demeaning towards all women. I was happy to be back with my mother and I told her what happened to me when I was living alone. She simply said: forget it, get over it. Worse, she told my step father as she's been telling him everything I would tell her. It's like she wasn't there. I felt very uncomfortable around my step father as he would call me derogatory names and say sexual things. I left when met my husband. I started having nightmares about rape and abuse and was not able to share intimacy with my husband. We had not been intimate for 7! Years. I even at women's doctor I would experience extreme anxiety and pass out. Back then, I was preoccupied with my little brothers drug problem and completely abandoned myself. I tried to " save" my imaginary family and couldn't let go of mom and brother. She always worried about him and asked me to take care of him like I did when she wasn't there. So, I put my life on hold.such a painful mistake. My husband was patient and understanding. We worked and nursed my adult brother back to normality. I was able to overcome my fear and be intimate with my husband. Then I got really sick. That's when I really changed and took a serious look at my life. Looked like for years I've been clinging to illusion, stuck in my head with the concept of saving my mom and brother. It didn't work. I wounded my own life. Now it's really hard to find compassion towards that little scared girl inside myself. I've been so used acting like my life does not matter. Now I really so much want to have a child, but mom jumps in in the picture saying I'm not ready( at age 30+!) ," there's something wrong with you, your nervous system needs to be better", " only you can help yourself, no one else". My brother has a child and my mom goes: " oh, not now, not a good time". I stopped talking about this topic , so she brings it up herself telling me about aquantances who had problems conceiving and what they did. I say firmly I am not interested in those stories, she gets angry" but I'm trying to help you". Lately, we haven't been talking. I made it clear she shouldn't bring up this topic. Now I have fear if I can be a good mother after everything. But I have so much love in my heart and so pray to have a baby. My soul is tormented. Somehow, I need to tough it up, protect myself from mother or limit contact with her, somehow through all of this I need to go on with my life and try to create a family I never had. I pray every day to create a loving healthy and happy family.

[d0nnivain]

Prayer is good. But do you know what's better -- counseling! You need to work through the rape & the abuse.

 

 

My mother told me all the time that I shouldn't hold kids or interact with them. I listened to her & now it's too late for me. Don't let your mom take that away from you & your husband.

 

 

If you can manage to spend less time with your mom that will help too

[pink_sugar]

I know it's difficult to hear, but you need to start distancing yourself from your mom now. Have you considered moving away with your husband? It's really helped me as my dad was constant negativity in my life. Therapy is necessary too. I used to think the same way about being a parent, but you can be a much better mother.

[GoBlue]

My soul is tormented. Somehow, I need to tough it up, protect myself from mother or limit contact with her, somehow through all of this I need to go on with my life and try to create a family I never had. I pray every day to create a loving healthy and happy family.

 

I am very sorry for the heartache and pain you have experienced. I want you to know, however, that you do not have to live as a slave to your past. The above quote concerns me - there is help to be found! Have you contacted a counselor yet? Please take a step out of your comfort zone so a trained professional can help you navigate this mine-field. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[ja123]

I'm so sorry for your pin, OP.

 

 

I'd get counseling asap, and consider moving far away from your mother and have limited or no contact, as others have said.

[Radu]

Before you read the rest, i would just like to say that your mom's a b*tch, which is probably what everyone who posted here is thinking [but not saying], and i'll write why in detail.

 

Throughout my life, I had a troubled relationship with my mother. She told me she hated women and I was her " only friend".

Judging by the rest of your post, she told you this when you were young, which is very disturbing.

 

She dated other men while married and used " our time together" as an excuse to see these men when dad inquired. I participated in her secrets and thought that was closeness.

That's not dating, please ... let's not frame it as 'relationship'.

She was 'screwing around' and she used her baby girl as a cover for her getting some strange on the side.

Do i need to tell you how messed up this is ?

 

Imagine if your girl/boy was brought into these 'secrets' by your husband who was using her as cover for screwing on the side.

This thought made you sick to your stomach i suspect.

 

When I became a teenager, my mom became very critical of me and soon left family.

When ppl become teenagers, they go from childhood innocence to becoming mini-adults and asserting their own values and views on things.

Could her action have something to do with her 'hating all women' ?

 

For a year I lived alone when 14 and that's when one of her ex interests raped me. I didn't tell anybody but my life was never the same. The man told me: you are paying for your mother. It was horrible.

It was, and i hate to say this, especially considering what he did to you ... but he was right, you were paying for your mother.

She was the one who brought that man into your life, she was the selfish b*tch who did this, she was the one who abandoned you for a while, and i could go on.

 

PS: The above is not meant to minimize his own guilt.

 

I thought I got over that but it wasn't the case as I realized later. Later, I moved back in with mother and her new husband. He was very abusive and demeaning towards all women. I was happy to be back with my mother and I told her what happened to me when I was living alone. She simply said: forget it, get over it. Worse, she told my step father as she's been telling him everything I would tell her. It's like she wasn't there.

It's worse than that, it's betrayal.

She betrayed her own daughter on so many levels it's unbelievable.

 

I felt very uncomfortable around my step father as he would call me derogatory names and say sexual things. I left when met my husband. I started having nightmares about rape and abuse and was not able to share intimacy with my husband. We had not been intimate for 7! Years. I even at women's doctor I would experience extreme anxiety and pass out.

Sounds like panic attacks.

And it's normal, considering what you went through.

 

Have you told your husband your entire history ?

Does he know ?

If he does, you owe it to you and him to get help, get therapy for this because you are not your mother and you will never grow up to be like her.

 

Back then, I was preoccupied with my little brothers drug problem and completely abandoned myself. I tried to " save" my imaginary family and couldn't let go of mom and brother. She always worried about him and asked me to take care of him like I did when she wasn't there. So, I put my life on hold.such a painful mistake. My husband was patient and understanding. We worked and nursed my adult brother back to normality. I was able to overcome my fear and be intimate with my husband. Then I got really sick.

Getting sick was probably related to your fear of intimacy.

The body can react to what the mind commands.

 

Putting your life on hold was also a form of escapism from this, something to occupy your mind.

 

That's when I really changed and took a serious look at my life. Looked like for years I've been clinging to illusion, stuck in my head with the concept of saving my mom and brother. It didn't work. I wounded my own life. Now it's really hard to find compassion towards that little scared girl inside myself. I've been so used acting like my life does not matter.

Again, this is all linked to your mother.

 

She has to control you, because you are a woman, remember what she said ... that she didn't get along with women ?

She fears them, and you are one.

So what do you do when you fear someone ... one of the options is to control him/her.

 

Now I really so much want to have a child, but mom jumps in in the picture saying I'm not ready( at age 30+!) ," there's something wrong with you, your nervous system needs to be better", " only you can help yourself, no one else". My brother has a child and my mom goes: " oh, not now, not a good time". I stopped talking about this topic , so she brings it up herself telling me about aquantances who had problems conceiving and what they did. I say firmly I am not interested in those stories, she gets angry" but I'm trying to help you".

Look up passive-aggressive, because that's what she is doing.

Which means [by what you write and what i suspect], that your mom is an emotional/psychological abuser.

 

Lately, we haven't been talking. I made it clear she shouldn't bring up this topic. Now I have fear if I can be a good mother after everything. But I have so much love in my heart and so pray to have a baby. My soul is tormented. Somehow, I need to tough it up, protect myself from mother or limit contact with her, somehow through all of this I need to go on with my life and try to create a family I never had. I pray every day to create a loving healthy and happy family.

Forget prayer ... remember ... God helps those that help themselves ?

So help yourself.

 

To raise a baby you need to first make sure your marriage with your husband is ok, so :

- does he know about your past ?

- how is your intimacy at this point ?

- how well do you two get along ?

[Greentriangle]

Forget prayer ... remember ... God helps those that help themselves ?

So help yourself.

 

To raise a baby you need to first make sure your marriage with your husband is ok, so :

- does he know about your past ?

- how is your intimacy at this point ?

- how well do you two get along ?

 

That is so true, your advice, thank you. My husband knows about my past and we are having good intimacy, he is incredibly loving and supportive. At times, I feel guilty I come with such baggage to our relationship. I fear being a good mother myself. I still talk to my mom at times and she reminds me that I cannot have children because my nervous system is not ok and my husband is not good enough.. My grandmother was extremely abusive to my mom and I always felt sorry for both of them.