jackslife Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I read somewhere that a lot of WS's subconsciously want to be caught. To either ease guilt or as a way of facing the problems in the marriage that the WS couldn't approach otherwise. (Easier to be caught having an affair than having to say to spouse "I no longer love you" perhaps?) Given how easy it is to check a bank statement, it's amazing how many WS's use credit/debit cards to book hotels. I know of one chap who was boasting to work colleagues about his AP while his phone was accidentally calling the home ansaphone which his wife listened to. A series of unfortunate events or him forcing the issue? Any thoughts...? On a separate but related matter have you heard of any OW subconsciously 'accidentally' getting pregnant to force an MM's hand? To force the relationship to a head one way or another? I'm not saying this is true of everyone and it all seems a bit extreme, but there is a lot of emotion and stress in an affair and sometimes the forcing of a conclusion however brutal can be a relief...
waterwoman Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I guess that is a possibility. I must admit that I trusted my H so implicitly it would have never occurred to me to check his bank statements for evidence of an affair. It just would not have been something I would have even considered. Not on my radar. So if it had been a subconcious way for him to let me know, it would have failed... However he was dropping so many hints towards the end - telling me about 'absurd rumours' going round work - that maybe that was his way. He says not. I tend to beleive him as he was shell-shocked on dday. But the subconscious is an odd beast. 1
Snowflower Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 My H told me shortly after d-day that toward the end of the A he wanted me to catch him or otherwise figure it out and make him stop. He and the A had apparently gotten out of control. He eventually confessed rather than trying to make me be the one to make him end it. Good thing. 1
tornapart2002 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 How about telling some of the worst lies on the planet toward the end or letting me use his Amazon account where he sent all the gifts to he from, including little love notes to her on the gifts? Yeah...he wanted to get caught so he didn't have to confess. He wanted me to find out that way because he was a spineless weasel. These thoughts make me wonder sometimes why I am in R with him, but I know he regrets it and has shown so much remorse. I read somewhere that a lot of WS's subconsciously want to be caught. To either ease guilt or as a way of facing the problems in the marriage that the WS couldn't approach otherwise. (Easier to be caught having an affair than having to say to spouse "I no longer love you" perhaps?) Given how easy it is to check a bank statement, it's amazing how many WS's use credit/debit cards to book hotels. I know of one chap who was boasting to work colleagues about his AP while his phone was accidentally calling the home ansaphone which his wife listened to. A series of unfortunate events or him forcing the issue? Any thoughts...? On a separate but related matter have you heard of any OW subconsciously 'accidentally' getting pregnant to force an MM's hand? To force the relationship to a head one way or another? I'm not saying this is true of everyone and it all seems a bit extreme, but there is a lot of emotion and stress in an affair and sometimes the forcing of a conclusion however brutal can be a relief... 1
tornapart2002 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Gosh I wish mine had done that. My H told me shortly after d-day that toward the end of the A he wanted me to catch him or otherwise figure it out and make him stop. He and the A had apparently gotten out of control. He eventually confessed rather than trying to make me be the one to make him end it. Good thing. 1
gettingstronger Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Our OW sent me an anon text outing the A- so for her, yes, she wanted to know one way or another how it would all end- My husband claims he just thought it would burn itself out and I would never know- I imagine As are like other relationships in that sometimes people do get pregnant "by accident" to force the issue- I know of several non-A relationships where there was an "accidental" pregnancy (I say accidental as in the reasons given on why it happened don't make sense-and FTR- men can protect themselves in these instances as well)
Snowflower Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Gosh I wish mine had done that. I think I understand what you mean but my H's affair an behavior toward me wasn't exactly easy for me. It hurt a lot. 1
snappytomcat Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 my x,ws,said he was waiting for dday to occur,he knew it would be awful,but it would also be a big weight lifted off his shoulders,and he wanted me to pull him out of the pit of despair,he had gotten himself into,he said he had hit rock bottom,and the only thing left was death,unless a dday occurred. he knows he was a coward,so I have stopped throwing that in his face,and at first I didn't want to reconcile with him,i actually told him to go be with his ow,but its been a year since dday,we are still together,its been a long hard road,but we have a lot of good days
notserene Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 My H's affair lasted two months. During the last two weeks we had a couple of conversations in which he dropped hints (that I did not pick up on at the time) which would have clued me in to what was happening had I thought to ask. I honestly didn't think that he was cheating...or was I in denial? I don't know. From this vantage point they seem like really obvious clues. I keep wondering if he hoped that I would ask him if he was having an affair. He seemed to be very stressed out at home during this time. I think that things were starting to get too serious and he was trying to figure out a way out of it. He ended it and told me the truth.
PachucaSunrise Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I read somewhere that a lot of WS's subconsciously want to be caught. To either ease guilt or as a way of facing the problems in the marriage that the WS couldn't approach otherwise. (Easier to be caught having an affair than having to say to spouse "I no longer love you" perhaps?) Given how easy it is to check a bank statement, it's amazing how many WS's use credit/debit cards to book hotels. I know of one chap who was boasting to work colleagues about his AP while his phone was accidentally calling the home ansaphone which his wife listened to. A series of unfortunate events or him forcing the issue? Any thoughts...? On a separate but related matter have you heard of any OW subconsciously 'accidentally' getting pregnant to force an MM's hand? To force the relationship to a head one way or another? I'm not saying this is true of everyone and it all seems a bit extreme, but there is a lot of emotion and stress in an affair and sometimes the forcing of a conclusion however brutal can be a relief... This is something that has always sparked my curiosity. And looking back on my personal situation, I think there's A TON of truth to it. I am a FOW. Not at all proud of it, but I'm learning to forgive and truly LOVE myself again. It's been an extremely difficult journey, but I'm 100% committed to learning from my mistakes to hopefully (and ultimately) become a better person. I've made every amend humanly possible, but that still doesn't change the fact that this is the single worst thing I've ever done in my entire life. I don't know if I'll ever fully be 'okay' with it. Sorry for the tangent, but I just wanted to explain, as I'm coming from a much different perspective. My XMM was ridiculously careless, which I only found out after the fact - and I think he actually got a kick out of it - until D-day, of course. I honestly have no idea what we were thinking or how I even allowed it... Complete denial, but that's a whole other story. But I KNOW that he purposely left very obvious clues. It actually sickens me now that I'm thinking about it. Calling from his home phone while she was sleeping in the next room... Messaging me on his cell phone while she was sleeping NEXT TO HIM IN BED... Oh, and the 'inside' stories he displayed on social media sites were absolutely ridiculous. She wasn't into that sort of thing, so he was easily able to 'express' himself there... 'Jokingly' talking about a co-worker (in a very sexual way) who had the same name as me - he even told me that doing this gave him a sense of relief!! So messed up! I will even go so far as to say that he tried to "accidentally" get me pregnant on two separate occasions. No, I'm actually positive about this. It turns my stomach to think of how blatantly disrespectful he was towards his W, AND how I allowed it!! WOW, was I an idiot! I can't even explain how humiliating this is to write, but I also know it's important that I do so - for me - and for anyone else who has the chance to AVOID getting involved in such an agonizing and heartbreaking situation. The bottom line is that HE WANTED OUT (and had for quite some time), but he chose to be a coward and tried to take the easy route. Needless to say, it completely backfired in his face. He was scared to be alone, and so he wanted to be certain that I was a sure bet, after all the fallout came... When all he really had to do was sit down and have a talk with his W... COMMUNICATE with her, but he wasn't man enough to do that, and I enabled him to continue on with his cowardly ways. Disgusting! So, no, he was unable to approach his W, communicate his true feelings with her, and let it be known that he was unhappy in his M. That definitely would have been the more difficult thing to do (and most certainly the RIGHT thing to do), and it would have saved EVERYONE many, many tears. But he chose a much more selfish route. And in the end, all his carelessness was just a false sense of relief. All the guilt he thought he was avoiding hit him straight in the face with the force of a Mack Truck. I don't know how he feels now, and that is not my concern anymore. As for me, I've learned my lesson TENFOLD - I will never again stray from my honest nature or allow myself to be any part of someone else's deceit. It's NEVER worth it. 1
Giggle Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 My wh did want caught. He wanted me to make him stop, wanted me to claim him. It never even registered that he would do something like that. Not really. So when I saw all those dinners out.. I got pissed that he was spending all that money eating out when if he couldn't grab the meal from the army cafeteria, he could at least go somewhere cheap. And i totally believed him when he had this dumb story about this other soldier Joe that he was taking to dinner because he was broke. (he was away at school training) He would be on the phone with me during part of these dinners and tell me he loved me. There was even a hotel charge. That did make me say wtf, but I was highly gullible to whatever he had to say. I went to see him halfway through the training, spent the weekend with him.. And he kept saying odd things. It registered on the drive home and I texted him asking who she was. No lead up, just a random "who is she?" I didn't react "right" though. I was too accepting, i didn't turn right around and go back up to confront him.. I didn't make a huge deal out of it, and was fully into forgiving what I thought was just a couple times thing. He decided I didn't really care (I must have had somebody on the side lol) and continued merrily with his affair, because I didn't make him stop. He came home conflicted.. Asking for a divorce. Again I was too accepting and understanding.. Omg I even told him that she could be his mistress if I could keep him. I came to understand from him later that he had wanted me to make him stop. He wanted me to be so outwardly upset that I was hysterical, throwing things and yelling. He wanted me passionately claiming him and refusing to let him go. I couldn't do it thinking... Obviously you aren't happy with me, you have all this greatness with her (that he'd been rubbing in my face)... I'm not going to make you stay, where you will resent me and be thinking of her. You are the one who turned away, I'm so not begging you to stay... So I "let" him leave. And still we almost got back together, but in a moment of go me.. I told him that I didn't trust him to be honest with me. Driving home from saying that was totally devastating. I was more of a mess than any moment before because it was me rejecting him. And I had one week prior just given birth to our fourth child.. That weekend I visited him? I got pregnant. He come home and walked away from his 6 wk pregnant wife. That got sooo away from the question lol, but yeah he wanted caught 1
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