oddity Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months today and I don't know if I've done the right thing.. I'd love to get some opinions to try to straighten my mind out a little We met through friends in February 2014. He's 39 and I'm 26. I'll call him R here for ease. He seemed nice - has a good, professional job, and seemed normal and interesting etc. We went on a few dates. I was dating another person at the time, though we'd only seen each other a few times. R found out I had been on dates with another man (small town) and lost the plot. He almost cried, said he felt physically sick about it, didn't know if he could trust me or forget about it etc. I was really confused about his reaction at the time - I felt bad that he was so hurt, but at the same time, I thought it was an extreme reaction given we'd only been dating a few weeks. Still not certain how I feel about this, but anyway... We carried on dating and got into an official relationship. He'd bring it up now and again, saying how hurt he feels, but it lessened over time. R is/was very thoughtful - always calls when he says he will, always on time to meet me, puts me first in the bedroom, calls me beautiful and clever etc. He's told me that I'm the relationship he's always wanted but came to think never existed; he's said he's infatuated with me. He got up before me one morning just to go into town and buy me flowers as a surprise because he was watching me sleep and he said I looked lovely and he wanted to do something nice for me. Despite all this apparent perfection though, things make/made me uncomfortable.. I think it's best if I list them: He's always at my house. I live in a house share with other people and he's rarely not there. Occasionally I'd stay at his (he moved back in with his parents last year after the break-up of a long term relationship). He always wants to pick me up from work etc. This has been nice - I liked that he wanted to see me so much. But now I see it as a bit stifling, and I'd mentioned perhaps we ought to spend less time together. He always takes over. He folds my clothes, cleans my bedroom.. when we cook, we have to do it his way - almost like he thinks he knows best and my way of doing things isn't up to standard. He'll say 'why are you doing it like that?' or 'don't do it that way, do it this way', or 'are you going to do XYZ?'. Telling me the way I chop mushrooms is wrong. We've fallen out a number of times over the cooking thing, and I had to forcibly ask him to sit down and just let me cook (I can actually cook as well - at least I thought I could before I met him). I feel kinda uneasy sometimes about his attitude to relationships and me. He doesn't like me having a glass of wine at home to relax, and he basically finished with me about a month ago, saying that he has to be true to himself and he can't be with me unless I changed my alcohol drinking patterns. So I cut down, mainly only having alcohol on a Friday or Saturday night. I would sometimes have a glass of wine after work in the week, but I found myself asking his permission in case he didn't like it. He often says he just knows what he's looking for and what he likes, which is (he frequently says) a strong person. For example, I have put on a few pounds since christmas and I have said I'd like to lose them. I started making lists of healthy foods to buy and making meal plans, and he said that was really attractive to see me focusing and putting my mind to something. Then I started a new job and was finding things quite stressful for a while, so the diet went on the backburner, so even though he didn't actually say it, the implication was he wasn't as attracted to me now I was being weak and not sticking to my diet - I was eating a bowl of cereal one evening after dinner, and he jokingly said 'I don't know where you put it all' and 'I can't believe you eat so much' (KNOWING that I'm a bit insecure with my weight at the moment). He has also said that if I was happy with my weight he wouldn't try to push me on and help me, but he knows I'm unhappy so that's why he does it. He often encourages me to wear my hair a certain way and wear particular clothes that he likes - I want him to be happy with the way I look so mostly I oblige, but when I don't, I feel quite insecure about what he thinks - although he's never outrightly said anything negative about my appearance (though he has kept quiet when I've shown him, say, a new dress, and his silence makes me think he doesn't like it). He sometimes comes across as arrogant - saying a woman has never finished with him, and it's always been him doing the ending of things; telling people how great he is at his job, and what good contacts he has; saying he knows X important/famous people. Does get irritating and I sense other people sometimes feel that too. His ex-girlfriend still wants to be with him - he left her in September 2013. When he has talked about what went wrong, he says he wasn't happy and warned her if things didn't change he'd leave - I'm still not sure exactly what she was doing wrong, but now I wonder - was it him and his unrealistic standards?Most recently, we'd been talking about going to my home town for a weekend. We didn't make any concrete plans, and yesterday I found out that one weekend we said was a potential for going away is the same weekend as one of my oldest and best friend's university graduation celebration weekend, and our other best friend is going too. So I told R that I would be going to that (I only see my best friends once every 6 months or so, and rarely together because we all live in different parts of the country now) and he got angry - I wasn't expecting him to - saying I'd already made plans with HIM, and it wasn't fair blah blah.. I told him I hardly see my friends and I miss them, that I see him every single day, and I'd only be gone for 48 hours, but he wouldn't back down. I told him I thought he was being unreasonable and childish, but he couldn't see it. He walked off in a bad mood in the end. I was so angry, and now I've lost my temper. I ended it with him today. I told him he was jealous and controlling and now possessive - he disagreed, saying I don't understand him and I take everything totally wrong. So he's collected his stuff from my house, and now he's acting kinda martyr-ish.. saying he feels like all the loving things/romantic gestures were false; that he misses me and hopes we can meet up in the future. Though he's not exactly begged me not to go. He basically said 'fair enough - sounds like you're not changing your mind'. Then pretty much immediately changed his relationship status on facebook because 'it hurt too much to see'. Yet he keeps texting me. Oh lord this post is long! I didn't mean for it to be this lengthy I'm just rambling now I think.. the point is, I feel hurt. I don't know if I've done the right thing. I will miss him! when he's not doing these things he's SO kind and thoughtful and lovely. But then all the above things I've mentioned that go along with the niceness.. I don't know. So confused. I'd really appreciate anyone's input, and if you've got this far - you're a more noble woman (or man) than me! (haha). Oddity x Edited June 11, 2014 by oddity
gj13 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hey Oddity, thank you for you story. Something funny happened to me while reading it. Some patterns are some things i have gone through with my ex and just realized after reading it how wrong it sounds. He seems to be VERY insecure and possesive. Up to the point where I'm pretty sure you'll keep up with problems if he doesn't seek counseling. I would kindly address this issue with him and suggest seeking help (he'll probably get mad, or act as a victim) and cut ties so that he can work out his own insecurities. I would hate to see you dragged into this. He DOES seem to be a loving and caring person, but there are some things he might not even be aware (from his past) which are making him the person he sometimes is. I'm pretty sure with space and time he can work them out but it's time to think for yourself and your own well being. This isn't healthy or emotionally good for you. So I'd keep my distance, go NC and if in time he gets to sort things out well... good for you both Meantime, just enjoy your life and realize you're a lovely girl who deserves an equally great man.
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