Non-Disclosure to Spouse, share your stories

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am a married woman who had an emotional affair who has made the choice to not disclose my affair to my husband for many reasons that I will neither defend or explain at this present moment. Long story short, I think it is the best choice.

 

However, with non-disclosure I am crying many tears on my own when normally I would have my best friend comforting me while in pain. I sometimes burst out crying in front of him but can't explain why.

 

I am mourning the end of the affair and I feel dead inside, like I can't offer much to anyone, friends, family, husband. But I still plaster a smile on my face. Particularly to my husband, I don't see the point of him suffering with me.

 

Anyway, I want to hear ONLY from married other women and men who have hidden their now ended affair and how you coped alone during your healing process. Does it get easier? Are you able to reconnect with everyone despite suffering alone?

 

This thread is NOT open to betrayed spouses with advice about how I have to tell my husband to be fair to him.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi CMOW,

 

When my A ended my H still didn't know. I vowed to never tell him. Sometimes it hurt that I was carrying this secret, but I knew if I told him, he would possibly never want to be with me again. I was scared and selfish. I ended up telling my H a few months later when I found out I had an STD.

 

Those few months before d-day were very, very difficult. I was trying to stop obsessing over xOM and refocus on my H and marriage, but it was hard. Everything was inside. Even though we were NC, I still googled xOM. I was busy with graduate school but that did not help.

 

After d-day, it was almost a relief to not have to hold in everything anymore. It was a painful, emotional time, but that time also forced me to face all the things I couldn't/wouldn't before d-day. I think that is because there was more accountability, in that I was accountable to my husband. And being accountable to him then grew into me being accountable to myself. I did not have the strength to be accountable to myself before d-day.

 

I have no doubt that if there was not a d-day in my situation, I would have reached out to xOM again. Or connected with someone else. I would have never addressed the issues with my marriage and myself. I guess that is why I advocate truth, even though I respect that it's not for everyone. Because in my case, it led to a much healthier marriage and a much healthier me. I now have the relationship I always wanted, and a son, and a great life. I wish I had chosen a different, less hurtful path to get here though.

 

Good luck,

B

Edited June 11, 2014 by Bittersweetie

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am so sorry that you got an STD that is terrible. I never slept with my xMM and it was a virtual relationship that lasted only 4 months. So no sexual contact at all.

 

Again, this thread is ONLY for Married Other Women and Men who have chosen to NOT tell the spouse. If I get many more comments about it being selfish to not tell, I will report it. I clearly have said that I want to only hear from people who are choosing my path of "no tell" to avoid such comments.

 

Unlike you, In my case, I disagree that my choice is selfish.I think you were right to tell him if you had an STD, otherwise I would say that you shouldn't. In fact I think it is the opposite, to tell in my case would be selfish provide me relief while causing pain to my husband and hurt our marriage.

 

 

But that isn't up for debate in this thread as I clearly stated.

 

This is exactly why I am not opening up this discussion for that since I am tired of weeding through that response. Although I do respect that this was your experience with exposure and that you are trying to be helpful.

 

I wish you well.

 

Hi CMOW,

 

When my A ended my H still didn't know. I vowed to never tell him. Sometimes it hurt that I was carrying this secret, but I knew if I told him, he would possibly never want to be with me again. I was scared and selfish. I ended up telling my H a few months later when I found out I had an STD.

 

Those few months before d-day were very, very difficult. I was trying to stop obsessing over xOM and refocus on my H and marriage, but it was hard. Everything was inside. Even though we were NC, I still googled xOM. I was busy with graduate school but that did not help.

 

After d-day, it was almost a relief to not have to hold in everything anymore. It was a painful, emotional time, but that time also forced me to face all the things I couldn't/wouldn't before d-day. I think that is because there was more accountability, in that I was accountable to my husband. And being accountable to him then grew into me being accountable to myself. I did not have the strength to be accountable to myself before d-day.

 

I have no doubt that if there was not a d-day in my situation, I would have reached out to xOM again. Or connected with someone else. I would have never addressed the issues with my marriage and myself. I guess that is why I advocate truth, even though I respect that it's not for everyone. Because in my case, it led to a much healthier marriage and a much healthier me. I now have the relationship I always wanted, and a son, and a great life. I wish I had chosen a different, less hurtful path to get here though.

 

Good luck,

B

Edited June 11, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[Gunthar]

Long story short, I think it is the best choice.

 

I don't see the point of him suffering with me.

 

Absolutely right. As (first) a BS, and then (1 year later) a xMOM, I can speak to both sides. I have such little regard for my W now. She's a child and continues to get treated like one, because she's just not trust worthy now (and doesn't come under any accountability to verify she is trust worthy). I wish I could go back to when I never had any question about her faithfulness to us (i.e. she had been faithful). I am simply not the same, now knowing about all of her betrayals. Once I knew a little, I had to know EVERYTYHING and I "played her" in subtle and overt ways to get her to a point that she'd open up and tell me. And she did. Everything.

 

Does it get easier? Are you able to reconnect with everyone despite suffering alone?

 

This thread is NOT open to betrayed spouses with advice about how I have to tell my husband to be fair to him.

 

For me, it's super easy to keep it hidden. I just have a completely different dynamic than you. W would tell people about AP and maybe destroy AP's life if W knew the truth about what I had with AP. And, I still want to be with my AP, so keeping things a secret is one of the only ways I have to show credibility and safety.

 

I wish I could speak to reconnecting. It hasn't happened, and I'm not sure I want it to.

 

Peace

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thanks for sharing. So in your opinion it would have been better to not know at all.

 

That is my opinion on it, but obviously many don't agree on this board.

 

I am sorry you are still suffering from the turmoil of the exposure. I personally would want to know every detail after discovery, but it would be very hard to head. And damaging as well.

 

 

Absolutely right. As (first) a BS, and then (1 year later) a xMOM, I can speak to both sides. I have such little regard for my W now. She's a child and continues to get treated like one, because she's just not trust worthy now (and doesn't come under any accountability to verify she is trust worthy). I wish I could go back to when I never had any question about her faithfulness to us (i.e. she had been faithful). I am simply not the same, now knowing about all of her betrayals. Once I knew a little, I had to know EVERYTYHING and I "played her" in subtle and overt ways to get her to a point that she'd open up and tell me. And she did. Everything.

 

 

 

For me, it's super easy to keep it hidden. I just have a completely different dynamic than you. W would tell people about AP and maybe destroy AP's life if W knew the truth about what I had with AP. And, I still want to be with my AP, so keeping things a secret is one of the only ways I have to show credibility and safety.

 

I wish I could speak to reconnecting. It hasn't happened, and I'm not sure I want it to.

 

Peace

[GoBlue]

I personally could not keep mine inside. I am sure that time will help the process get easier but there is no guarantee.

[Gunthar]

Not to discourage anyone from commenting an further (not by any means)...

 

But, if you haven't seen the thread already here on LS, there are a lot of comments in this area at...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/467864-i-need-confess

 

hth

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I personally could not keep mine inside. I am sure that time will help the process get easier but there is no guarantee.

 

Thank you! I really can't say anything. I am not sure I would be safe even. But I also can't handle hurting someone that way. Particularly since nothing physical happened. But I do understand the desire to expose all. It would be a huge weight off my shoulders and then I could place it onto my husbands shoulders..

[Waverly]

I haven't confessed to my H, and I still don't know if I will or not. Eventually, I think I probably will. I do believe in the higher morality of it, in living by those ideals of honesty and integrity, and in giving him the truth and letting make his decision from there. Enter the chorus of LS in my head here. But, I also have had three different therapists sort of shrug when I bring it up and say that it's not necessarily the answer to my marriage or my possible divorce.

 

It's a lot more complicated than that, of course, but for now, yes, I'm still on the fence.

 

And yes, it is an incredibly isolating experience. Whatever state our marriage may have been in, my H was still my best friend, prior to the A. I would have turned to him with whatever was weighing on me. Obviously I'm taking this one on on my own. I'm grappling with all of the big questions without cluing him in. I get it, it's totally unfair.

[bellasue]

My XMM decided to tell his spouse out of the blue and ended things with me by text message. It was devastating as we had been friends for close to a decade before things ever got physical. I am also married.

 

The day he ended things, his wife sent me an email instructing me not to tell anyone, and as long as I never contacted him "no one would ever know." So I have kept it from my husband and everyone else. I do live in fear that she'll change her mind someday. But I also think she would be very concerned if I were single, that he might change his mind, even if this is not the case.

 

It has been a year and a half and the pain has subsided. There are many days that I still think of him, but the constant reminders aren't there any longer. I still feel hurt and angry at times, but I'm slowly getting back to the point where I don't wallow in losing my best friend anymore.

 

Now if he'd just leave town like he said he was.........

 

Take care

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thanks for your input. We are almost in the same boat since I too value honesty, integrity etc, for the most part.

 

Also, my counselor advises against telling.

 

But the part where we diverge is that regardless of the desire to be honest for our closeness, I will never tell.

 

The reason being outside of being scared to tell, not thinking I am going to be safe if I tell (and he may contact or hurt the xMM's life and the xMM is already regretful) is that I know it will devastate him and he won't ever get over it. I personally have zero desire to be in another affair, the man I fell for made me feel like I hadn't felt in my entire life. I doubt I will ever be swept off my feet again. I also am at home most of the time, so I never socialize. I have learned that an affair is the most painful venture in the world. No thanks. Never again. I have gone strict no contact, I have blocked him in every avenue.

 

I just don't see outside of "integrity" topics hope exposing the affair is helpful to anyone. For the following reasons:

 

1. You place the burden of your mistake on someone else's shoulder and put the person you love through undeserved pain and self questioning that may take them years to heal from although you never intended to hurt them. They may misinterpret your motivations to be more personal than it was

2. The marriage that you are both happy in could end all over something you already regret and is over and do not intend on repeating

3. You spend years in therapy trying to prove to them that you indeed do love them regardless of having loved someone else for a short while. Even tho you know it's true they won't believe you.

4. They may never heal and will possibly bring distrust over to their next relationship leaving them with a wound eternally.

 

 

Of course the other options is getting closer, but I suspect all the advice to tell tell tell is from BSs who ultimately left their marriages and when you get advice from a counselor to not tell it a because they sit there daily trying to counsel these marriages and see first hand the needless pain or causes.

 

You should do what you think is best of course, and I also too became convinced by the LS community since so many people are singing the same "confess" song , but I think I will just safely take the advice if a professional counselor who see the aftermath first hand.

 

 

I haven't confessed to my H, and I still don't know if I will or not. Eventually, I think I probably will. I do believe in the higher morality of it, in living by those ideals of honesty and integrity, and in giving him the truth and letting make his decision from there. Enter the chorus of LS in my head here. But, I also have had three different therapists sort of shrug when I bring it up and say that it's not necessarily the answer to my marriage or my possible divorce.

 

It's a lot more complicated than that, of course, but for now, yes, I'm still on the fence.

 

And yes, it is an incredibly isolating experience. Whatever state our marriage may have been in, my H was still my best friend, prior to the A. I would have turned to him with whatever was weighing on me. Obviously I'm taking this one on on my own. I'm grappling with all of the big questions without cluing him in. I get it, it's totally unfair.

[waterwoman]

Hi confused,

 

I am a BS who found out about H's affair. So he didn't confess as such until he felt obliged to come 100% clean when I found some texts.

 

However I was also many years ago a WW in an EA (I didn't call it that then). When it all got a bit too heavy and my AP was making demands for more, I left my job, went total NC and never mentioned it to anyone again. I didn't tell H. Why? Because I didn't think it mattered, we hadn't had sex, we hadn't made plans to leave our partners, it was all over. I would get over it in time. And I did.

 

But it left me with a little dark comfortable place in my heart where I could do when I was angry with H, when I was unhappy with life, when I felt magriage wasn't enough. It gave me a way to escape dealing with the problems that developed in my marriage - particularly when FIL died and H basically emotionalled left me for over a year, when my children were born and took so much of my time and attention and energy, and he withdrew from me. I was able to turn to my memories and find comfort. I should have been looking for comfort with him, in my marriage. There were things that needed fixing - I didn't bother.

 

It made me feel secretly superior in a way. 'No matter what you think of me someone else loved me enough to want to leave his gf!' I'm not proud of that.

 

And the fact that I told H about it when I found out about his A shows that I had kept it as a secret weapon against him - a little emotional dagger that I could use to hurt him when I was hurt myself.

 

It's a secret that can do damage. And in my case it did. H had an affair. I can't blame that on my EA but i often wonder if my emotional safe house enabled me to distance myself at times when I shouldn't.

 

I am not saying 'Tell all!' I am just saying that there are potential consequence to not doing so that you may not have considered.

 

good luck with your decision x

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Definitely food for thought. However, the good news in my case is that I am starting to hate my xMM. I have no safe place to go when I have these problems. My xMM would have never left his wife for me, in fact I think he was lying to me every time he said he loved me. I in no way idolize this EA. Had we discussed this last month, yes, I would have felt the same as you, but it ended badly in me EA with me loving him and him not loving me.

 

If anything all this has done is magnify that I didn't feel loved at home, and when I reached out, I didn't find love there either. So now I feel just unloveable.

 

And if I tell my husband this, he will likely just use it as an excuse to continue to neglect me even more.

 

Hi confused,

 

I am a BS who found out about H's affair. So he didn't confess as such until he felt obliged to come 100% clean when I found some texts.

 

However I was also many years ago a WW in an EA (I didn't call it that then). When it all got a bit too heavy and my AP was making demands for more, I left my job, went total NC and never mentioned it to anyone again. I didn't tell H. Why? Because I didn't think it mattered, we hadn't had sex, we hadn't made plans to leave our partners, it was all over. I would get over it in time. And I did.

 

But it left me with a little dark comfortable place in my heart where I could do when I was angry with H, when I was unhappy with life, when I felt magriage wasn't enough. It gave me a way to escape dealing with the problems that developed in my marriage - particularly when FIL died and H basically emotionalled left me for over a year, when my children were born and took so much of my time and attention and energy, and he withdrew from me. I was able to turn to my memories and find comfort. I should have been looking for comfort with him, in my marriage. There were things that needed fixing - I didn't bother.

 

It made me feel secretly superior in a way. 'No matter what you think of me someone else loved me enough to want to leave his gf!' I'm not proud of that.

 

And the fact that I told H about it when I found out about his A shows that I had kept it as a secret weapon against him - a little emotional dagger that I could use to hurt him when I was hurt myself.

 

It's a secret that can do damage. And in my case it did. H had an affair. I can't blame that on my EA but i often wonder if my emotional safe house enabled me to distance myself at times when I shouldn't.

 

I am not saying 'Tell all!' I am just saying that there are potential consequence to not doing so that you may not have considered.

 

good luck with your decision x

[Gunthar]

One other thing for me is (and I'm sure this is very common and my comments are not too helpful probably), but... I caught myself early on having my guard down about the A when I had had a few drinks (no surprise, right?). I feel a little more freed up to let my mind wander and the crazy idea of saying something to anyone, even my W, would enter my head.

 

Some rare days when I'm mad at her for the NC and terse responses, I develop some vindictiveness toward her and play with the idea of telling everyone everything. But, those are rarer now. But all of these compromising thoughts/feelings shocked me so much that now I have a little saying for myself that I say first thing in the morning every single day, as well as before I know I'm going out and will have a few.

 

I'm just totally on guard now about keeping the secret. Every outing where I might have a drink is first about making the outing an exercise in keeping AP safe (no matter what, I can say nothing). And yes, if we ever see each other again it will only be if I keep the secret (I will regardless of if I ever see her again).

 

The important distinction is of course that my effort has nothing to do with how it might hurt my W. I could care less after everything she put me and the kids through.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Gunther,

 

What is it that keeps you in your marriage? I can tell your disdain for her is poignant.

 

 

I have some anger toward my hubby too, he had threatened suicide often whenever I would try to bring up hard issues, he has been a bit abusive and aggressive at times, he sits at the computer way too much, he is not the type to ever plan a date the entire time I have been with him, he is the type to buy me a bowling ball because that is what HE wants, but overall, I think he is a good guy. My husband is handsome, funny, intelligent, been my best friend often, pretty kind for the most part. So I have reasons I stay. I also have reasons not to tell because his dark side can be scary dark.

 

But with you, you seem to hate your wife, why stay?

 

One other thing for me is (and I'm sure this is very common and my comments are not too helpful probably), but... I caught myself early on having my guard down about the A when I had had a few drinks (no surprise, right?). I feel a little more freed up to let my mind wander and the crazy idea of saying something to anyone, even my W, would enter my head.

 

Some rare days when I'm mad at her for the NC and terse responses, I develop some vindictiveness toward her and play with the idea of telling everyone everything. But, those are rarer now. But all of these compromising thoughts/feelings shocked me so much that now I have a little saying for myself that I say first thing in the morning every single day, as well as before I know I'm going out and will have a few.

 

I'm just totally on guard now about keeping the secret. Every outing where I might have a drink is first about making the outing an exercise in keeping AP safe (no matter what, I can say nothing). And yes, if we ever see each other again it will only be if I keep the secret (I will regardless of if I ever see her again).

 

The important distinction is of course that my effort has nothing to do with how it might hurt my W. I could care less after everything she put me and the kids through.

[Gunthar]

Gunther,

 

What is it that keeps you in your marriage? I can tell your disdain for her is poignant.

 

But with you, you seem to hate your wife, why stay?

 

Kids, and giving them an intact family.

 

I maintain a disdain for her for faking character when she had none (I knew deep down she really had none, but I just thought she was too scared to make such reckless , and really dangerous, choices).

 

I hate that she isn't who she can be (yes, part of me still believes in her a little bit). But for now, she is better than ever to me, the family, and our marriage now (the penance she believes she must do for how sick she treated herself and me is clearly all out subconscious guilt and raw shame that she has never and will never deal with), so the 'investment' of hanging in there is paying off, I guess you could say. But not the way I wanted it to. She's giving respect, but not out of any understanding of or affection toward me; it's out of guilt or a strategy to avoid conflict. There's been no remorse or confession; no declaration of re-committment to me directly (forget in front of any counselor or family-audience).

 

She got caught is all. When push comes to shove, she reverts back to saying she was justified to try and get rid of me the way she did. She's just a confused flip-flopping mess.

 

I'm just trying to maintain my character (and my family), with one particular flaw...

 

Pretty tough to change horses in the middle of the stream (without the means to really keep life comfortable for everyone in the process).

Edited June 12, 2014 by Gunthar

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Kids, and giving them an intact family.

 

I maintain a disdain for her for faking character when she had none (I knew deep down she really had none, but I just thought she was too scared to make such reckless , and really dangerous, choices).

 

I hate that she isn't who she can be (yes, part of me still believes in her a little bit). But for now, she is better than ever to me, the family, and our marriage now (the penance she believes she must do for how sick she treated herself and me is clearly all out subconscious guilt and raw shame that she has never and will never deal with), so the 'investment' of hanging in there is paying off, I guess you could say. But not the way I wanted it to. She's giving respect, but not out of any understanding of or affection toward me; it's out of guilt or a strategy to avoid conflict. There's been no remorse or confession; no declaration of re-committment to me directly (forget in front of any counselor or family-audience).

 

She got caught is all. When push comes to shove, she reverts back to saying she was justified to try and get rid of me the way she did. She's just a confused flip-flopping mess.

 

I'm just trying to maintain my character (and my family), with one particular flaw...

 

Pretty tough to change horses in the middle of the stream (without the means to really keep life comfortable for everyone in the process).

 

 

I am going to play devils advocate for just one second. Bear with me, I could be totally off base here. Understanding that you now have had an OW in your life as well, it seems as if you both reached out of the marriage. I know for you it may seem as if it was a revenge thing, but regardless, you both reached out.

 

I don't judge you (or her actually) for desiring to find solace elsewhere when the heart of a marriage feels missing. I know that that is what left me feeling weak in my marriage. I was holding a lot of anger toward my husband. He was doing drugs for most of our marriage regardless of how much I told him it was my dream for him to stop.

 

Anyway, since you are NC with your current OW and you are holding onto anger it seems as if you are both stuck. I think it is the anger on both ends that creates this.

 

If you can start reconnecting somehow, that little ounce of faith you have in her may actually become fulfilled by reality. She may feel your anger. She probably sees your lack of love in your eyes. Us ladies know when a man loves. lusts and desires after them.

 

I know this seems impossible since you don't trust her character. But if you feel that she has it in her, there will have to come a time when you finally allow yourself to let go of some of this anger in order to let her make it up to you. I don't mean become vulnerable again completely, but more bonding exercises.

 

DATE DAYS, I cannot stress them more. Date Days in which you practice marriage building techniques. Get some books on it. Sex Therapy.

 

THis other OW you are hiding from your wife, she will only distract you. YOu must finish one business before you start another one. (or change over horses if that is what you meant) It is just too messy any other way.

[Gunthar]

Thanks for your thoughts. Really. I hit 20 yrs married in Jan and know what it takes, I just don't care (and would much rather see my AP again, who is uniquely special to me).

 

We are however getting away from your thread, which I know I'd like to see more responses to.

 

Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'll just look on...

[Mycatsnuggles]

I'd never disclose. My marriage would be over, H could not withstand the hit to his pride. I do not need to see him in pain to know how much it would hurt him. I can punish myself enough without losing him and probably my children. They love their dad think of the conflict to them.

 

I cannot undo what I have done but I don't need to inflict additional pain to cleanse myself.

 

I wonder how people can "know" that their spouse is not keeping a secret from them. I read this a lot here. How I cannot have an authentic relationship unless I am truthful with everything. Really? Can you honestly say you and your spouse have shared all? Unless your with them 24/7 participate in every conversation you can't know.

 

ExMOM wife monitored him all the time yet he was still able to see me. I'm sure she would believe he had no hidden secrets.

 

I don't see how disclosing helps me or H. Were working on the actual marriage not rehashing my affair which is all that counseling would be if I revealed.

 

I do wonder about a death bed confession? Or as Gunther discussed a drunken confession. Yikes

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Yikes! Deathbed confession would be he worse ever. Leave thenn with a million questions right before you die? Almost comically evil. Geez.

 

Yep I am right there with ya.

 

I'd never disclose. My marriage would be over, H could not withstand the hit to his pride. I do not need to see him in pain to know how much it would hurt him. I can punish myself enough without losing him and probably my children. They love their dad think of the conflict to them.

 

I cannot undo what I have done but I don't need to inflict additional pain to cleanse myself.

 

I wonder how people can "know" that their spouse is not keeping a secret from them. I read this a lot here. How I cannot have an authentic relationship unless I am truthful with everything. Really? Can you honestly say you and your spouse have shared all? Unless your with them 24/7 participate in every conversation you can't know.

 

ExMOM wife monitored him all the time yet he was still able to see me. I'm sure she would believe he had no hidden secrets.

 

I don't see how disclosing helps me or H. Were working on the actual marriage not rehashing my affair which is all that counseling would be if I revealed.

 

I do wonder about a death bed confession? Or as Gunther discussed a drunken confession. Yikes

[Patna]

I confessed to my H about my A, but I sometimes wondered if I shouldn't had or maybe I should have confessed when I am finally in a better state.

 

Confessing to him when I still am in love with exMM and missing him was wrong timing I guess. I thought after confessing we could start working on R and put all my focus on H. But then being human, I should have realised that feelings don't just fade overnight. I guess any normal spouse would expect me to get over exMM, but I didn't and I felt ashamed to confess to my H during R that I still have feelings for exMM and miss him. How can I also hurt him further by telling him that? I have to fight my own demons alone. So in the end, I distanced myself emotionally from H because I had this secret to keep even though I had confessed to him almost the whole picture.

 

My friend said I should have confessed when I have finally got over exMM and when I'm emotionally stable. Only then will true R happens when I can put myself 100% emotionally into the R process. I guess that advise came a little too late.

[Owl]

Patna, you and your friend have it backwards.

 

You confessed at the right time...had you chosen to wait until you no longer had feelings for your OM, you would have then turned around and talked yourself out of ever telling your H.

 

Does your H know the full truth now? Does he know how you still feel about OM, about him, and is aware of continued contact until it finally ended?

 

And...what's your H doing during all of this?

[Patna]

Patna, you and your friend have it backwards.

 

You confessed at the right time...had you chosen to wait until you no longer had feelings for your OM, you would have then turned around and talked yourself out of ever telling your H.

 

Does your H know the full truth now? Does he know how you still feel about OM, about him, and is aware of continued contact until it finally ended?

 

And...what's your H doing during all of this?

 

Owl, replied u in my thread

[Got it]

I am a married woman who had an emotional affair who has made the choice to not disclose my affair to my husband for many reasons that I will neither defend or explain at this present moment. Long story short, I think it is the best choice.

 

However, with non-disclosure I am crying many tears on my own when normally I would have my best friend comforting me while in pain. I sometimes burst out crying in front of him but can't explain why.

 

I am mourning the end of the affair and I feel dead inside, like I can't offer much to anyone, friends, family, husband. But I still plaster a smile on my face. Particularly to my husband, I don't see the point of him suffering with me.

 

Anyway, I want to hear ONLY from married other women and men who have hidden their now ended affair and how you coped alone during your healing process. Does it get easier? Are you able to reconnect with everyone despite suffering alone?

 

This thread is NOT open to betrayed spouses with advice about how I have to tell my husband to be fair to him.

 

I did not disclose the affair to my husband. I left the marriage a few weeks in and continued the affair/relationship. I am married to my AP now and my ex husband is remarried and isn't aware (as far as I know). We had an amicable divorce and post marriage relationship. He is seemingly very happy in his marriage and has a child now (and loving fatherhood). We did not have any kids.

 

For me, there was some healing/mourning of the marriage since we had been together since high school but I had already worked through to the decision to divorce well prior to the affair. I have never regretted divorcing and feel I tried everything I could throughout the years to turn the marriage around.

[Lady2163]

Interesting topic.

 

I've worked in jobs before where I've had to keep a lot of things confidential. Secrets from my husband while I was married weren't too tough.

 

I "cheated" all three times we were separated. Each time I truly thought we were divorcing, but purists will say I'm still a cheater. (I have a 29 year history,with long gaps of being the OW). Anyway, the second tie we separated and got back together, he did ask and I lied.

 

I lied because I had made the decision to spend the rest of my life with him and honor my vows and all that stuff. We had already moved back in together. I'd already changed my drivers license, mail, moves all possessions back in. My mindset then, was I didn't want to have to find a new place if he wanted to end it. Looking back, if he wanted it over, I should have told him to get out.

 

So, I coped with not telling him by reminding myself that if I was in this for the rest of my life, it was better to lie. It was easier for me and Lord knows. I was the only one thinking of my wants and needs.

 

Oh - I also distracted myself months later by moving across country. That was a major life change.