emotionalMess Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Dumper women be honest with an answer. This is superficial but a good question and I would like honest answers as to what would go through your mind in this situation. If you were with a great guy who always treated you great but dumped him for whatever reason and that someone was a little chubby but a 7 out of 10 in good looks. Then later saw the same guy 6 months later and his body now resembles Channing Tatum and face looks like Johnny Depp what would you be saying to yourself? Does it matter if the guy is hotter that Sh**t now and can pull girls who are 10's all day long and dumper was maybe a 7?
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Dumper women be honest with an answer. This is superficial but a good question and I would like honest answers as to what would go through your mind in this situation. If you were with a great guy who always treated you great but dumped him for whatever reason and that someone was a little chubby but a 7 out of 10 in good looks. Then later saw the same guy 6 months later and his body now resembles Channing Tatum and face looks like Johnny Depp what would you be saying to yourself? Does it matter if the guy is hotter that Sh**t now and can pull girls who are 10's all day long and dumper was maybe a 7? posts like this can get pretty negative and heated, and despite what a lot of dumpers will tell you the core underlying reason anyone dumps anyone is because they feel you are not 'the one', that their life will be better without you in it and that they can do 'better' than you. yes, of course there are millions of reasons people give for dumping someone ("I love you but I'm NOT in love with you", "I don't want to ruin our friendship" and so on) but when you boil the reasons down and cut away all the cliches and lines, the underlying reason is usually the same: that they dont feel you are the one, they feel their life will be better without you in it and they believe they can do 'better' than you. sorry to be harsh, but it is the truth in 99.99999999999999999999% of the cases.
David87 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You're way too superficial and I don't think it matters if you look like Brad Pitt covered in gold now....just my 2 cents
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You're way too superficial and I don't think it matters if you look like Brad Pitt covered in gold now....just my 2 cents I've said this before and I will say it again: I would MUCH MUCH RATHER have a girlfriend who was six or seven out of ten lookswise but 10/10 personality wise, than a girlfriend who was 10/10 lookswise but a nasty terrible woman who was always mean and about a 2 or lower personality wise.
David87 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) I've said this before and I will say it again: I would MUCH MUCH RATHER have a girlfriend who was six or seven out of ten lookswise but 10/10 personality wise, than a girlfriend who was 10/10 lookswise but a nasty terrible woman who was always mean and about a 2 or lower personality wise. I agree with your, looks are overrated these days. edit: OP has to understand that his rating is available only for him because if he says his ex it's a 6 or a 7 maybe for me she's a 10 or for you she's a 4. The ideea is to forget about rating people based on your personal scale(of beauty:D) Edited June 11, 2014 by David87 2
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I dump guys who have bad behavior so no it wouldnt matter to me what he looked like in six months, if he changed his personality though or his values or his standards i would be happy for him and know the next girl has a treat,but would feel hurt he didnt deem me good enough to treat me in a similar manner, i would question myself not him, and i have done this and the values that rubbed off couldnt be a united thing for us to share as a couple, i would get over it though if a guy put on weight after i dumped him or lost weight in a fashion that was detrimental to his health i would try to do what i could to cheer him up, my ex has lost 25 kg he is the father of my girls and i am happy for him,he does 13 km spin bike every mornign adn has a personal trainer he is a body builder, he has also now adopted things i would have loved to have together way bac k when,like sobriety, no cigarettes, healthy living, volunteering in a soup kitchen at xmas time instead of stoned and drunk rooting around at work xmas parties....not meant to be for me, and he knows i am on a spiritual path, but he has changed his life for the better and my girls will benefit from seeing him as a man should be. he wanted me to move back with the girls after i had finished a recent relationship with a level four shcizophrenic he worries about me...i declined......although ... at times i feel he has a lot of support he is with another, he would not let me down if i needed help , there are phones when i need to discuss the girls future and he treats me with respect and has said so many postive things about me as a mum and a woman....i will not leave where i am or delay my forward momentum my life with him is not one to be repeated and he is extremely imposing when fit......doesnt concern me his looks, he was always good looking and sought after, massive pecs, just happy for his health in every way.
Author emotionalMess Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 What if it was a short term relationship and both never truly had a chance to get to know each other and never kissed? They got along great but the dumpee would never be accepted by her parents?
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 What if it was a short term relationship and both never truly had a chance to get to know each other and never kissed? They got along great but the dumper would never be accepted by her parents? there's a million factors that influence whether or not a relationship will work and physical attractive is only one of them! also dumpers will often lie to a dumpee when they dump them to either spare their feelings (or hope to) or assuage their own guilt. for example, one girl once dumped me with the tried and true "I just cant handle being in a relationship right now" line. I stupidly believed her and accepted it, and then I heard a few days later through a mutual friend that she hooked up with some guy about a day after dumping me. so turns out when she said "I can't handle being in a relationship right now" what she meant was "I CAN handle being in a relationship right now... but NOT WITH YOU". So in short you never really know where your dumper is at, what they are thinking, etc, and it is pointless to even try and work it out - if you ask them they will often lie to you. Maybe the TRUTH is they just don't feel you are attractive enough for them BUT most people won't have the guts to outright say to someone "I'm sorry, but I need to be with someone who is very attractive, a 9/10, and sorry but you are only a 7/10 so you just don't cut it", they will give you some line like "I love you.... but i'm not in love with you" or some crap. in short, stop trying to guess the dumpers motives, where they are at, etc. it is a pointless exercise. focus on yourself, not them.
Author emotionalMess Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Lets say the guy has a great persona and is very loving but her family won't accept him and if then. If you see the dumpee waking down the street with Jessica Alba you say there would be no impact?
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 What if it was a short term relationship and both never truly had a chance to get to know each other and never kissed? They got along great but the dumpee would never be accepted by her parents? for starters the parent thing is not really important o shouldn't have bearing on feelings shared between a couple in a relationship, my step father despised black people that guy i spoke of is black south african ......looks tongan/islander and he was always respectful to my parents including a racist step father he sowed understanding of racism he came from south africa and he hadnled himself with dignity and i shared in that with my head adn eyes forward...i hate racism so they have no say if it were to be short term or long term that's my right to decide...my mother accepts my rights....so does all my family..so parent thing is moot as a woman i dont let my parents decide who i am with i feel most women are like this.....short term or long term or kiss or not..... why didnt they get a chance to know each other and be in a relationship in the first place.....thats what a relationship is getting to know the other person doesnt need kisses or anything else friendship maybe to start........what happened? struggling a little can you clarify for me? 1
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Lets say the guy has a great persona and is very loving but her family won't accept him and if then. If you see the dumpee waking down the street with Jessica Alba you say there would be no impact? the dumper chose to terminate their relationship with the dumpee, THEY USUALLY DON'T CARE what the dumpee does after that. trying to make the dumper jealous is completely pointless because they typically dont have that emotional response towards you because THEY DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. if they see you with another person post-breakup they most likely wouldnt care or if they DO care it is something like "good for him, he found someone else" and then they will forget about you ten seconds later, or maybe they will think "oh poor woman, stuck with him" because they will think about why they dumped you and imagine they are dealbreakers for others as well. in short it is next to impossible to make a dumper jealous because they usually DONT CARE. just move on. 2
David87 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Lets say the guy has a great persona and is very loving but her family won't accept him and if then. If you see the dumpee waking down the street with Jessica Alba you say there would be no impact? Probably not because she doesn't care about you. Maybe a little jealousy but not much. Look op, you're playng games and by doing this you only hurt yourself not your ex. She's out there living her life and youre here questioning every little aspect...STOP Living in the past and let this girl go, it's done. 1
Author emotionalMess Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 In my case the parent thing is the main barrier. Some cultures will not accept other races into the family. She is not willing to lose her family end of story. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 the dumper chose to terminate their relationship with the dumpee, THEY USUALLY DON'T CARE what the dumpee does after that. trying to make the dumper jealous is completely pointless because they typically dont have that emotional response towards you because THEY DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. if they see you with another person post-breakup they most likely wouldnt care or if they DO care it is something like "good for him, he found someone else" and then they will forget about you ten seconds later, or maybe they will think "oh poor woman, stuck with him" because they will think about why they dumped you and imagine they are dealbreakers for others as well. in short it is next to impossible to make a dumper jealous because they usually DONT CARE. just move on. absolutely agree, if i have dumped a guy there is no choice but to dump them,i give so many chances that if i dump a guy , its i cant physically mentally or spiritually take any more...i dont take dumping people lightly and i normally actually stay friends so i make sure they are ok...but i am done when i give up honestly its because i have fought long and hard and i just cant take it, i am near exhaustion point...i dont get jealous i have actually tried to encourage dates with an ex...recently...giving him advice on how to approach and the like. telling him he will have more relationships than me and as much fun as he can handle...deb
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 In my case the parent thing is the main barrier. Some cultures will not accept other races into the family. She is not willing to lose her family end of story. how did you come to know this because i have input i can share aboit me being accepted as a white woman in part of an interracial couple..it took a little time to build trust and acceptance.....deb
Author emotionalMess Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 This is not fantasy. It really occurred a 2 weeks ago so I was just wondering if it had any impact. I didn't put much weight on it I just thouhgt it was an interesting topic and I am hoping someone who has had a similar experience would chime in.
loveflying Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I don't care if any of my ex's gets to be the sexiest man alive. No way I am going back.. specially not for the looks only. Remember bad memories will come back to hunt you. Infact the most good looking ones/ model looking guys (according to friends) for some reason were the worst ones. With or without a good education/stable - unstable parents. I still don't understand why. So character and the chemistry comes equally first. When there is chemistry the guy is a 10 anyways.
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I don't care if any of my ex's gets to be the sexiest man alive. No way I am going back.. specially not for the looks only. Remember bad memories will come back to hunt you. Infact the most good looking ones/ model looking guys (according to friends) for some reason were the worst ones. With or without a good education/stable - unstable parents. I still don't understand why. So character and the chemistry comes equally first. When there is chemistry the guy is a 10 anyways. My brothers ex was a 10/10 looks wise and she was a nasty high maintenance piece of work, always bullying him and if he argued her response was something like "I could have any guy I want so you better do anything I want or I will leave you". it took him six months to finally get the courage to tell her to leave. I have met a lot of really physically attractive people like this, they think they are better than you and have the right to treat you like dirt simply cos they are hot! I AM NOT SAYING ALL ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS, before anyone attacks me.... but some are. 1
David87 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 To get to the point, dumpers don't care if you date ''Jessica Alba'', remember they have the upper hand. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) This is not fantasy. It really occurred a 2 weeks ago so I was just wondering if it had any impact. I didn't put much weight on it I just thouhgt it was an interesting topic and I am hoping someone who has had a similar experience would chime in. cultures when they collide, face obstacles one of them is trust and acceptance, compromise and understanding, solidarity is key , dignity is key,i date across the board ,i am a global girl, faced many obstacles i dont have preference in guys. i build trust and acceptance by being trusting and accepting its that easy.I have been welcomed into all parents homes no matter the nationality and we over come language barriers somehow......i read body language is one, one mother couldnt understand her at all , we were having little cups of coffee, russian cross serbian cross i dont know really couldnt understand a word.....she just shoved food in front of me and made hand gestures and clucking noises and chuffs when i ate so she wanted me to eat i guess...she would hum while i ate...equals she knew i loved her food.....but she wouldnt be affectionate she didnt trust me they were an affectionate culture she one day was sitting across from me....and we were having this head exorcist spinning coffee.....that would have me climbing the walls for eight hours after i went home......and she winced and rubbed her neck i used to be a masseuse...she had a pinched nerve,so gently does it and knead out the pinch so i got up and went to the back of her chair and gently put my hands on her neck and rubbed she sighed.......she hugged me every time we parted after that.lots of clucks and excited to see me the next time, she would touch my arm a lot while i was there, and her smile was open and friendly ..i was a teen .......read listen trust accept and all will come back to you......people are people no matter the culture or skin color......you can build trust as easily as you can destroy it.......i suggest building adn not concentrating on differences fidn common ground and use yoru skills to make someone comfortable...was talkign abotu him today actually funny that...his name was niccoli i fortunately or unfortunately cannot pronounce or begin to spell the mums name...smilin..we didnt need to say our names...deb Edited June 11, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 My brothers ex was a 10/10 looks wise and she was a nasty high maintenance piece of work, always bullying him and if he argued her response was something like "I could have any guy I want so you better do anything I want or I will leave you". it took him six months to finally get the courage to tell her to leave. I have met a lot of really physically attractive people like this, they think they are better than you and have the right to treat you like dirt simply cos they are hot! I AM NOT SAYING ALL ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS, before anyone attacks me.... but some are. at the moment the dumper dumps you they are prepared to risk losing you and losing the possibility of sharing in any potential greatness or amazing things you do.... they are prepared to risk losing all this cos they want out! they DON'T CARE what you do postbreakup because all they care about is GETTING OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!! I could NEVER EVER have a peaceful conversation EVER with the girl who dumped me because at the moment she dumped me I was incredibly depressed and she KNEW that her dumping me would push me to the edge, possibly to suicide. she KNEW that and she chose to give up on me anyway. of course it is not her responsibility to stay with me, she has the right to leave me, but if I ever saw her again and she tried to breadcrumb me or anything all I would think was "you gave up on me and didn't care if I committed suicide... how can I ever speak to you again?" 2
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 at the moment the dumper dumps you they are prepared to risk losing you and losing the possibility of sharing in any potential greatness or amazing things you do.... they are prepared to risk losing all this cos they want out! they DON'T CARE what you do postbreakup because all they care about is GETTING OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!! I could NEVER EVER have a peaceful conversation EVER with the girl who dumped me because at the moment she dumped me I was incredibly depressed and she KNEW that her dumping me would push me to the edge, possibly to suicide. she KNEW that and she chose to give up on me anyway. of course it is not her responsibility to stay with me, she has the right to leave me, but if I ever saw her again and she tried to breadcrumb me or anything all I would think was "you gave up on me and didn't care if I committed suicide... how can I ever speak to you again?" so what are you saying? emotional blackmailish i feel are you saying she should stay because you "might have" committed suicide. i always feel responsible for guys whom i end a relationship with i carry it with me, but i was nto put on earth to eb miserable and if a guy truly cared about me he would not want me to be in misery , he would want happiness for me i would want happiness for them and yes i would be their friend , but not to be guilt tripped but because i genuinly care.to me being angry all the time...is misery, being hurt all the time is misery,feeling guilt is misery i deserve to be happy too..... when i leave a guy who has had suicidal tendencies or mental illness i set up a strong support network i release onto friends, brothers sisters , whoever i know who are mutually and neutrally good and trustworthy, i contact mental health in some instances i do the leg work i exhaust myself actually,i help them fix their cars so they arent isolated by involving my sister because i dont drive to pick parts from wreckers......i am a networker who a lot of people would help out....and i make sure i put someone i cant deal with safely where they have the most support and support i just cant give ro ill become ill myself...i am always there and i dont desert someone who is fallen even if they suck ....i have mental illness myself i cant be expected to stay with a guy and go down to ill send him hundred of flotation devices if i have to,affirm his strengths and possibilities in every way i can, buiti amnto taking crap from anyone anymore and ill pray every night....that's enough dont you think or should i just stay until my hair is completely grey so i might deserve a breadcrumb here and there so i dont starve no thanks i am a cook i dont need to starve on breadcrumbs ill make a loaf of bread instead .... i have never ever threatened suicide or thought that a guys responsibility was to keep me alive,thats my faith alone's responsibility, my heart in other words..... they dont even know i am going to do it...i dont tell the ones i love i want to die i tell mental health "i am nto safe now"and they work with mental health adn each other to support one another as well as me, when i realize i am too close to ending it......multiples of me i have anyway and somehow we make it through..i actually havent felt suicidal in quite a while i attribute that to faith and finding my faith in the right people.blaming someone for leavign you when you are sick , isn't ok everyone is sick in some way when they break up....i dont hold onto blame because guilt follows close behind.no oen should hold either fo those things in their heart.deb
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 so what are you saying? emotional blackmailish i feel are you saying she should stay because you "might have" committed suicide. i always feel responsible for guys whom i end a relationship with i carry it with me, but i was nto put on earth to eb miserable and if a guy truly cared about me he would not want me to be in misery , he would want happiness for me i would want happiness for them and yes i would be their friend , but not to be guilt tripped but because i genuinly care.to me being angry all the time...is misery, being hurt all the time is misery,feeling guilt is misery i deserve to be happy too..... when i leave a guy who has had suicidal tendencies or mental illness i set up a strong support network i release onto friends, brothers sisters , whoever i know who are mutually and neutrally good and trustworthy, i contact mental health in some instances i do the leg work i exhaust myself actually,i help them fix their cars so they arent isolated by involving my sister because i dont drive to pick parts from wreckers......i am a networker who a lot of people would help out....and i make sure i put someone i cant deal with safely where they have the most support and support i just cant give ro ill become ill myself...i am always there and i dont desert someone who is fallen even if they suck ....i have mental illness myself i cant be expected to stay with a guy and go down to ill send him hundred of flotation devices if i have to,affirm his strengths and possibilities in every way i can, buiti amnto taking crap from anyone anymore and ill pray every night....that's enough dont you think or should i just stay until my hair is completely grey so i might deserve a breadcrumb here and there so i dont starve no thanks i am a cook i dont need to starve on breadcrumbs ill make a loaf of bread instead .... i have never ever threatened suicide or thought that a guys responsibility was to keep me alive,thats my faith alone's responsibility, my heart in other words..... they dont even know i am going to do it...i dont tell the ones i love i want to die i tell mental health "i am nto safe now"and they work with mental health adn each other to support one another as well as me, when i realize i am too close to ending it......multiples of me i have anyway and somehow we make it through..i actually havent felt suicidal in quite a while i attribute that to faith and finding my faith in the right people.blaming someone for leavign you when you are sick , isn't ok everyone is sick in some way when they break up....i dont hold onto blame because guilt follows close behind.no oen should hold either fo those things in their heart.deb I didnt say any of that, nothing at all. I am simply saying that breakups work both ways and the dumper gives up the right to know anything about the dumpee or the dumpees wellbeing the moment they dump them,
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I didnt say any of that, nothing at all. I am simply saying that breakups work both ways and the dumper gives up the right to know anything about the dumpee or the dumpees wellbeing the moment they dump them, that is quite a cruel concept .
Ordinaryday Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 that is quite a cruel concept . no it is a realistic concept. I don't want to be friends or even friendly with someone who broke my heart and gave up on me and effectively said I was not good enough for them. it goes both ways. they have every right to dump me. and I have every right to tell them it is final and that I never want to hear from them again. 1
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