boyfriend just left and i am a mess

[lamaga]

my boyfriend just left town for good half an hour ago.

he held me and kissed me and we told each other we love each other and he reassured me it is only a month and everything will be ok.

 

he went 6 hours away, to his hometown, for the next 3 months, then he is going abroad for 5 months. i will only visit him for a week in a month, then he comes visit me again for a weekend and end of august i will visit him again for a week. so for now, we will not be physically together for a whole month from today on.

 

it was really difficult to say goodbye to him - i already miss him like crazy. i miss his touch and his kisses and i want to just be held by him. but he just got in that car with his parents and drove away and i waved and now i am sitting at my desk unsure what to do with myself. i want to throw up, i want to cry and never stop.. i hate goodbyes... all my friends have left town as well, because it's summer break. every day i will ride my bicycle by my boyfriend's house, reminded of the fact that his room is empty now and i won't see him walking by the window. i will have to sleep alone tonight. his boxes are all over my house, because he is leaving things with me for when he comes back from abroad next year. i have most of his stuff here and it is driving me insane that all is here, all his things and the memories of moments of us together and happy, but there is no real him here.

 

do you guys have any advice on how to get through this month? i mean, i really want to be strong, and i know i can be, but today is the worst and i know that i will be unable to do anything productive for the rest of the day at least...

HOW DO I GET THROUGH TODAY?

i know the 5 months from september til end of january will be even worse, but i don't even want to think about that right now.

 

have you dealt with this before? what do i do to not be so sad anymore?

[cactusgal]

Sorry if this sounds mean, but do you not have any hobbies or interests apart from your boyfriend? Any other friends? If you're a young person in good health with a good education, the world is yours. Boyfriends will come and go, so you've got to learn to be happy on your own and excited about your own life, whether you're with him or not.

[Leigh 87]

I really felt for you as I read that.

 

I am so sorry you're feeling so sad

 

I don't have a lap top atm and it's a pain to write heaps from my smart phone.

 

I had an ex who traveled occasionally. I missed him terribly when he left. It was awful. He went away for 3 months once and I missed him like crazy. I can only imagine how awful you must feel

 

It just plain hurts. There is not a lot you can really do to alleviate the pain. You can distract yourself. I wish I could say that it will get easier over time but some people find it hard to function without their partners. My friend is like you... she would be heartbroken if she had to go months without her bf. I would be devastated if it were month . .. However, I can go a month without fretting. Due to my parents living overseas from when I was young. I can do a month a part. Longer is questionable.

 

Keep your chin up as much as you can but just me mindful that you can only carry on and feel the pain as it comes; you cannot seek out a remedy but you can increase the instances of you feeling happ by ddoing things that you enjoy and bring you joy.

 

I wish I could help. Just pm me anytime. Talking about it can help, writing it all out and having outlets to do so can be helpful for some people.

 

Keep us posted and perhaps start a thread in the long distance relationship section! Veterans of the long distance thing can sure help you by simply being an outlet for you to vent to.

 

Take care. Try to smile now and again, remember you have a life to live outside of your boyfriend.

[Art_Critic]

Are you sure you are up for this ? LDR's can be very difficult on you emotionally...

It seems unfair to you to have to go thru this.. why has he moved and why is he going abroad ?

[WrinkledForehead]

My partner travels frequently for business but never for more than 10 days. I have fallen apart when he's been gone (due to other things) but a couple things help me get through it. I look at him leaving as an opportunity to get all those things done I never seem to have time to do. I visit coffee shops with my novels or text books. I busy myself with my home and my kids (it sounds like you're younger and may not have a home or kids; reconnect with friends and family). I romance myself and take lovely bathtub soaks.

 

Try not to fall apart. Empathy will help. He misses you as much and is distancing himself from his home and friends. He's going to probably experience stress as well. Let him know you miss him, but show him you can function without him. The last thing he'll want is for you to fall to pieces and hear you crying every night when he calls. That would be incredibly frustrating.

 

Take the world by the balls and work on you and your happiness. Youll be okay. Chin up.

[mammasita]

I know EXACTLY How you feel. When I was married, my husband had to deploy for 6 months.....and then after we were divorced a man I was in a relationship went TDY to Osan AFB for 1 year (side note: this made me not want to date military again or ever do long distance LOL). Trust me. I feel your pain.

 

The first few weeks are terrible, but it will get easier. Its actually similar to a break up, but you know they are coming back. Don't take it one day at a time, take it one weekend at a time, it makes it go by faster.

 

You're also in a better position than I ever was in that I couldn't just contact my husband at the time whenever I wanted - it was a waiting game, and that made it worse.

 

That said, I know you have hobbies, if not find things to do. Write your BF letters. Write him a letter every day if you need to. Good luck.

[lamaga]

Sorry if this sounds mean, but do you not have any hobbies or interests apart from your boyfriend? Any other friends? If you're a young person in good health with a good education, the world is yours. Boyfriends will come and go, so you've got to learn to be happy on your own and excited about your own life, whether you're with him or not.

 

Of course I have a lot of hobbies and interests. But It is difficult for me to engage in any of that as of now, because missing him is so crazy apparent today. I know it will get better, but I just don't know how to get through these first few days.

All my other friends are gone now as well, its summer break and all friends I have are from school and everyone has gone home, since we are in an international program in a different country than our home country ( we live in the Netherlands, my boyfriend and me are both from Germany and our friends who study with us are from all over the world).

Of course boyfriends come and go, but I have, for the first time, really found someone who I am happy with, and just as it is going perfectly we have to part - it is very very difficult and so unfair, it feels as if it shouldn't be like this.

 

I really felt for you as I read that.

 

I am so sorry you're feeling so sad

 

I don't have a lap top atm and it's a pain to write heaps from my smart phone.

 

I had an ex who traveled occasionally. I missed him terribly when he left. It was awful. He went away for 3 months once and I missed him like crazy. I can only imagine how awful you must feel

 

It just plain hurts. There is not a lot you can really do to alleviate the pain. You can distract yourself. I wish I could say that it will get easier over time but some people find it hard to function without their partners. My friend is like you... she would be heartbroken if she had to go months without her bf. I would be devastated if it were month . .. However, I can go a month without fretting. Due to my parents living overseas from when I was young. I can do a month a part. Longer is questionable.

 

Keep your chin up as much as you can but just me mindful that you can only carry on and feel the pain as it comes; you cannot seek out a remedy but you can increase the instances of you feeling happ by ddoing things that you enjoy and bring you joy.

 

I wish I could help. Just pm me anytime. Talking about it can help, writing it all out and having outlets to do so can be helpful for some people.

 

Keep us posted and perhaps start a thread in the long distance relationship section! Veterans of the long distance thing can sure help you by simply being an outlet for you to vent to.

 

Take care. Try to smile now and again, remember you have a life to live outside of your boyfriend.

 

Thank you Leigh. I actually posted something in the LDR thread a few days back but didn't get so many responses and I wrote you a PM the other day as well. Hope to hear from you soon! You've been so sweet over the past few months and helped me a lot through some of the problems I had at the beginning of my relationship. Things have been wonderfully and you were always right, so thank you.

 

 

Are you sure you are up for this ? LDR's can be very difficult on you emotionally...

It seems unfair to you to have to go thru this.. why has he moved and why is he going abroad ?

 

I know it is unfair. That's why I am crying so much. I am up for this, yes, because I love him very much. We have talked about this and we both want to do this, because he is coming back and we want to be together and not lose each other. He is going abroad because during our study there is a discretionary space in the third year, which he will start in September. So he will be going to Taiwan for 5 months then. It will be very difficult.

 

 

My partner travels frequently for business but never for more than 10 days. I have fallen apart when he's been gone (due to other things) but a couple things help me get through it. I look at him leaving as an opportunity to get all those things done I never seem to have time to do. I visit coffee shops with my novels or text books. I busy myself with my home and my kids (it sounds like you're younger and may not have a home or kids; reconnect with friends and family). I romance myself and take lovely bathtub soaks.

 

Try not to fall apart. Empathy will help. He misses you as much and is distancing himself from his home and friends. He's going to probably experience stress as well. Let him know you miss him, but show him you can function without him. The last thing he'll want is for you to fall to pieces and hear you crying every night when he calls. That would be incredibly frustrating.

 

Take the world by the balls and work on you and your happiness. Youll be okay. Chin up.

 

Damn... yeah I know, we don't have kids or anything, I am only 27 and still in school, and I don't have a bathtub.. But I know there are things I want to do, it's just I can't get myself to do any of them because all I think about is how much I miss him... really hope this will go away and it will get easier with the days going by...

 

 

I know EXACTLY How you feel. When I was married, my husband had to deploy for 6 months.....and then after we were divorced a man I was in a relationship went TDY to Osan AFB for 1 year (side note: this made me not want to date military again or ever do long distance LOL). Trust me. I feel your pain.

 

The first few weeks are terrible, but it will get easier. Its actually similar to a break up, but you know they are coming back. Don't take it one day at a time, take it one weekend at a time, it makes it go by faster.

 

You're also in a better position than I ever was in that I couldn't just contact my husband at the time whenever I wanted - it was a waiting game, and that made it worse.

 

That said, I know you have hobbies, if not find things to do. Write your BF letters. Write him a letter every day if you need to. Good luck.

 

I just wrote a letter actually. We decided last night to write each other. And writing has always helped me, so I will write him each day and then put all my letters in a letter and send it to him once a week. It is difficult to get myself to do things. I mean, he left this morning at 11 and it is 3.30 pm now. I haven't done anything but talk to friends and write this letter. I know tomorrow I will wake up early, go running, and do productive stuff all day, but today is just really not happening for me... I know I can be strong, but really the MISSING part is the worst. I know I will see him in a month, but then knowing that its only for 1-2 weeks and then we have to part again for another month before we see each other again for one more week before he leaves for 5 months... it's just the thought about that that makes me go insane. I am of course scared to lose him, that we maybe aren't cut out to manage a LDR. But yeah, we want to try it and it is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life, and it sucks, because, as I said, things are going wonderfully, and as they are going the most wonderful we need to part...

Edited June 11, 2014 by lamaga

[ExpatInItaly]

What are you hobbies and interests? What makes you happy? (Apart from him, I mean) That is what you need to focus on right now. Feeling sad because someone has left is of course normal. Being absolute grief and having no idea what to do with yourself now for a month is worrisome. Your post almost reads like he's passed away - you need to remember that he's around and still your boyfriend; he's just not in your physical presence at the moment. How you handle the next month will indicate how you'll do when he goes abroad for 5 months. You need to cultivate your life and enjoy the time to develop yourself.

 

Have you talked with him about communication while he's gone? What are your and his expectations? What is the plan for his upcoming extended absence?

[lamaga]

What are you hobbies and interests? What makes you happy? (Apart from him, I mean) That is what you need to focus on right now. Feeling sad because someone has left is of course normal. Being absolute grief and having no idea what to do with yourself now for a month is worrisome. Your post almost reads like he's passed away - you need to remember that he's around and still your boyfriend; he's just not in your physical presence at the moment. How you handle the next month will indicate how you'll do when he goes abroad for 5 months. You need to cultivate your life and enjoy the time to develop yourself.

 

Have you talked with him about communication while he's gone? What are your and his expectations? What is the plan for his upcoming extended absence?

 

That's the thing. We have had trouble talking about the 5 months period apart because we both have no clue what to expect from it. he said he is very afraid because he has never done long distance and he really doesn't want to but he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and he said he wants to try it. He thinks it is difficult to talk how we will communicate because we only know what it is like to live one street away and see each other every day.

So... he said that this month apart will be like a trial, for us to see how it works, for us to see how much communication each of us needs and to see if our expectations are the same and if we are compatible in an LDR. I think his thoughts are rational and I told him that I agreed. We decided to have THE TALK TALK about how we manage the 5 months in a few weeks, after I will have visited him and after we have managed this month apart. So for now, this is where we stand.

 

What makes me happy? I know I want to finish my novel and I want to be more sportive, more active. I want to eat a bit more healthy, go to the farmers market a lot. I want to also buy a guitar again and work on some music. Maybe play some open mics. And I want to also change some things in my apartment, but wanna leave that for when I sublet my place in 4 weeks. So of course I have plans. And yes, 2-3 of my friends are still around, but they are very busy themselves and have their lives a bit more in order than me.

I've been quite on an emotional roller coaster lately because I have started the pill and now I stopped taking it again because it made me have emotional outbursts a lot. it also added today to my sadness of him leaving, and me not knowing what to do, really...

[ExpatInItaly]

That's the thing. We have had trouble talking about the 5 months period apart because we both have no clue what to expect from it. he said he is very afraid because he has never done long distance and he really doesn't want to but he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and he said he wants to try it. He thinks it is difficult to talk how we will communicate because we only know what it is like to live one street away and see each other every day.

So... he said that this month apart will be like a trial, for us to see how it works, for us to see how much communication each of us needs and to see if our expectations are the same and if we are compatible in an LDR. I think his thoughts are rational and I told him that I agreed. We decided to have THE TALK TALK about how we manage the 5 months in a few weeks, after I will have visited him and after we have managed this month apart. So for now, this is where we stand.

 

What makes me happy? I know I want to finish my novel and I want to be more sportive, more active. I want to eat a bit more healthy, go to the farmers market a lot. I want to also buy a guitar again and work on some music. Maybe play some open mics. And I want to also change some things in my apartment, but wanna leave that for when I sublet my place in 4 weeks. So of course I have plans. And yes, 2-3 of my friends are still around, but they are very busy themselves and have their lives a bit more in order than me.

I've been quite on an emotional roller coaster lately because I have started the pill and now I stopped taking it again because it made me have emotional outbursts a lot. it also added today to my sadness of him leaving, and me not knowing what to do, really...

 

Hmm..This would concern me. How did you react when he told you that? Do you think that's part of the reason you're so torn up over this?

[lamaga]

Hmm..This would concern me. How did you react when he told you that? Do you think that's part of the reason you're so torn up over this?

 

Well, when we got together 7 months ago we both knew that he will leave eventually and I told him upfront that I wouldn't want to go long distance, so we should just stay together until the summer. He then said he thinks its best to do it like that... But of course things have changed and we have fallen in love and now we both want to stay together. Of course he doesn't want to. i don't want to. Who would want a LDR? It sucks. I know we can do it but of course I have worries. It's not that I don't trust him. I am just worried about communication.. about maybe not being able to keep it up... for such a long time...

[d0nnivain]

The first few days are the worst because the pain is most acute. Let yourself be sad for the rest of this week. But after that don't wallow.

 

 

Keep yourself busy. Activity is the best antidepressant.

 

 

Surround yourself with positive people.

 

 

Do you know how you will communicate while you are apart? Break up your waits into those smaller chunks -- tomorrow we can Skype, in a month will we be together. Thinking about the whole big long separation is overwhelming.

[lamaga]

The first few days are the worst because the pain is most acute. Let yourself be sad for the rest of this week. But after that don't wallow.

 

 

Keep yourself busy. Activity is the best antidepressant.

 

 

Surround yourself with positive people.

 

 

Do you know how you will communicate while you are apart? Break up your waits into those smaller chunks -- tomorrow we can Skype, in a month will we be together. Thinking about the whole big long separation is overwhelming.

 

 

I know, it sounds easier said than done...

We haven't really talked how we will communicate. I need a bit more communication than him. First we said Skype once a week. Then we said one letter each week. Then he said "Well, Maga, you will text me all the time anyway..." and then when he left and we told each other we loved each other he said "Don't worry, it's just a month. And when I get home tonight, we'll Skype".

So... yeah, i think he realises we will have to communicate a bit more than he maybe expects. But I also think that him, being very pragmatic, rational and macho as he is (German-Italian mentality, typical!), he will not realise yet that he will maybe miss me a lot as well, and in the end might require more communication as well. I think it will develop as the weeks go by. As we both realised, this is a trial. This is for us to find out what it is we both need.

[writergal]

Don't forget that you can use social media to see each other if you need to. Do you both have Skype accounts? You can video Skype with each other - this will help when he goes to Asia. You can also email, call, and text each other. You are not cut off from each other just because of the distance.

 

Maybe you should meetup on Skype video a few times a week? That may help to see each other and talk to each other in real time.

 

And when he goes to Asia for 5 months well you could always join him for the adventure if you want. I don't know what kind of job that you have, but you could always try to work where he will be (contact temporary agencies to find temporary work). Or you could schedule a month vacation to be with him for 1 of the 5 months he'll be there.

 

When you date long distance, creativity is needed, to keep in touch with each other and to maintain the relationship.

 

I think that your situation is very manageable. Your boyfriend is going to be gone in two chunks of time: 3 months and then 5 months. That's not bad at all. It could be a lot worse. He could be a soldier away from you for 2 years or permanently live in another country from you. So look at the bright side: you're both from Germany (so you come from the same country) and you both want to be together. So really your situation isn't that bad.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, when we got together 7 months ago we both knew that he will leave eventually and I told him upfront that I wouldn't want to go long distance, so we should just stay together until the summer. He then said he thinks its best to do it like that... But of course things have changed and we have fallen in love and now we both want to stay together. Of course he doesn't want to. i don't want to. Who would want a LDR? It sucks. I know we can do it but of course I have worries. It's not that I don't trust him. I am just worried about communication.. about maybe not being able to keep it up... for such a long time...

 

That all makes sense.

 

I have read and participated in some of your previous threads about him. There seems to be quite a high level of anxiety in the relationship, that you worry a lot about where you stand with him, his level of commitment, etc. etc. In your time apart, it would be a good idea to really explore why you've had these feelings and what he is or isn't doing to help you through it. Learning how to manage those fears will do a lot to ease you into an extended time apart.

[Emilia]

Well, when we got together 7 months ago we both knew that he will leave eventually and I told him upfront that I wouldn't want to go long distance, so we should just stay together until the summer. He then said he thinks its best to do it like that....

I don't think anyone is capable of cutting off dating at a set time when two people are into each other. Next time it would be good to plan ahead and either prepare for the LDR or accept that the two of you shouldn't date. This thing about staying together until the summer doesn't work. Ever.

[lamaga]

That all makes sense.

 

I have read and participated in some of your previous threads about him. There seems to be quite a high level of anxiety in the relationship, that you worry a lot about where you stand with him, his level of commitment, etc. etc. In your time apart, it would be a good idea to really explore why you've had these feelings and what he is or isn't doing to help you through it. Learning how to manage those fears will do a lot to ease you into an extended time apart.

 

 

Yeah I know... It was difficult in the beginning. It has gotten better because he started to talk more about his feelings and told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. So a lot of my insecurities went away but now there are new ones, given he distance we are facing.

[d0nnivain]

You have a lot of ways to stay in touch at your disposal. Use them.

 

 

I did an LDR years ago when all we had was snail mail & long distance calls were expensive so we did 1 per week for about 1 hour. It was hard.

 

 

Write news-y letters. Send them via snail mail or e-mail. Don't be too public about all your feelings (FB, Instagram etc. . . . save those for pithy things)

 

 

One of the things we did to feel closer was send cheap little souvenirs whenever one of us did something unusual. He lived in So Cal so I ended up with a lot of Disney stuff for all the times he took people when they came to visit. I live in the 'burbs so he'd get something when I went to NYC, Philly or Boston.

[lamaga]

You have a lot of ways to stay in touch at your disposal. Use them.

 

 

I did an LDR years ago when all we had was snail mail & long distance calls were expensive so we did 1 per week for about 1 hour. It was hard.

 

 

Write news-y letters. Send them via snail mail or e-mail. Don't be too public about all your feelings (FB, Instagram etc. . . . save those for pithy things)

 

 

One of the things we did to feel closer was send cheap little souvenirs whenever one of us did something unusual. He lived in So Cal so I ended up with a lot of Disney stuff for all the times he took people when they came to visit. I live in the 'burbs so he'd get something when I went to NYC, Philly or Boston.

 

 

I am definitely writing him letters. I am really good at that, writing sweet things and sending souvenirs. Today when I was at work I picked a wild rose, so I will send that with my letter and tell him where i got it from, and I made an origami cat (I have a cat and he loves the cat and they get along great, so this is another souvenir, in a way). Will send the letter tomorrow so he will have it saturday or monday i guess, so that will be nice.

But still... i miss him SO FREAKING MUCH! I can not believe he is NOT coming home tonight as usual. And all his things are here reminding me of him, and all I do is think about him. I have always been bad with goodbyes but this is the worst I have had in a very long time.

[lamaga]

I don't think anyone is capable of cutting off dating at a set time when two people are into each other. Next time it would be good to plan ahead and either prepare for the LDR or accept that the two of you shouldn't date. This thing about staying together until the summer doesn't work. Ever.

 

Well of course it doesn't work, but we didn't know that when we started dating because we were just not in love with each other then, but things change and now we are really close and want to be together. And we both are not sure how to prepare for the LDR... It's a new experience.

[Emilia]

Well of course it doesn't work, but we didn't know that when we started dating because we were just not in love with each other then, but things change and now we are really close and want to be together. And we both are not sure how to prepare for the LDR... It's a new experience.

You should have known from the beginning, you are old enough to.

 

My point is, why are you pretending you went blindly into something when you knew there was going to be this obstacle down the road? Either don't do it (ie don't date) or prepare for it ahead.

 

It's incredibly naive to think that you can just walk away from someone at the drop of the hat, especially knowing yourself and how emotional you get. You really need to look out for yourself and not get into these situations. Completely your fault.