Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hi guys If anyone has read my threads you would know that I've been single for over a decade. Until now. I am going on more and more frequent dates with a divorcee man with a child. He seems very respectful that he doesn't come on strong with an agenda, as I'm just getting use to the very idea of someone even remotely interested in me! I'm very cautious and I suppose that is something he has clearly picked up on. If I am tired, I tell him " well I am tired and good night" If I am busy, I say so. But he waits and he is calm about it. It's intentional but it's progressional. His motive is to date me and get to know me, but understands that I have clear boundaries that I keep up for many reasons. He has a six year old daughter and I know he's been separated for two years before his divorce. But I want to know when do I bring up the whole " divorce thing" it's not something that is a particularly pleasant thing, but if I've been single for like 10 years or more and he's been single or divorced for only say 6 months then that's a bit of a "imbalance" of "experience" I just don't want to be the girl that he thinks " well, I'm sick of being single and I am lonely better find me a girlfriend/wife" I was single for over ten years because I found myself single for that time, no real reason, just happened. But I travelled in that time, moved cities did a whole lot of " finding out who Daisy is" and went back to college to further my education. He kinda just, got married, had a kid, got separated then got divorced. I really hope he isn't just " looking for someone to fill a need" I am worried about our relationship gaps. I really lived up my single life and did a lot in it, he has done a lot less. How do I "test" to see if this guy is not just " hooking me in because he is a lonely guy"... I kind of wish he had been single for a lot longer than he appears to have been, as I hope he really knows what it's like to be " single" and to " wait". When and how should I bring up the " divorce thing?" what's the classy way of doing that? be frank? be blunt? how?
PegNosePete Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 The woman I am currently seeing brought it up on the 3rd date. I think she phrased it like "there's something I want to ask you about but it might be a bit awkward, is that OK?", I said sure ask me anything and she just asked how long ago, how long married, how long together before getting married and a BRIEF overview of why it failed. No gory details. If he is over it then he should have no problems answering these questions in a brief and concise manner. No need to dwell on details, but asking these things can bring all the bad memories back - so, have a nicer subject ready to change to afterwards! He will very much appreciate it. If he can't talk about it, gets angry, upset or shifty then there's a good chance he is not ready for a relationship. It's not the answers he gives, it's the way he gives them. Whatever you do, do NOT have this conversation by text, email or phone! Face to face ONLY!!! 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thanks mate I appreciate his sincere calmness. I first went out twice with him and had NO IDEA it was even a date, he just asked me for coffee. In New Zealand culture, men can ask girls out for coffee and it means nothing. It can be, two friends catching up. Unless the word DATE is used, then I can signify a difference between two friends catching up and two adults going to have a date together. The only time I figured it was possibly a date was when he said he wanted to see me again, then I put two and two together. So therefore I like his casual approach, lot less scary. But the divorce thing particularly interested to know how long for and why and how long has he been single for. I don't date guys who have been single for less than two years usually as very often, I want to see how these guys handle life on their own and if they have really managed not being " dependent on someone else". Independence in a man is as equally as attractive as it is in a woman. I don't like needy men. It makes me sick. I just want to be better at testing his motives.
PegNosePete Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I don't date guys who have been single for less than two years If you mean 2 years since a divorce after a long marriage - that is a very wise policy! But if you mean your men must not have had any kind of relationships in over 2 years then I don't think you'll find many guys who pass that test. I think the number of men (and women) who have been single for over 2 years is quite low. I don't like needy men. It makes me sick. Having a partner doesn't make you needy!
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You are handling dating with too much fear and too much negativity. Stop thinking he's out there to take advantage of you. Everyone wants to find their someone and everyone thinks they are doing it with a clear heart, including him. What ever he tells you about the divorce it will be his version of things. You can spend hours grilling him about what happened he is never going to tell you if he was abusive, absent, controlling or manipulative. People don't see themselves as being bad when they are bad. They see themselves as reacting or as protecting themselves. You can ask a million questions it will not prevent you from being hurt. The only way for you to get to know this man and to figure out if he's genuine is to spend time with him in different environments. You need to observe him in private, in public, with family, friends, etc. You base your judgement on how he is with you, how he treats others around him, does he keep his words, is he patient, does he volunteer to help others, does he make time for you, does he recognize his faults, is he a good communicator, etc .
deathandtaxes Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 First off, you don't 'test' guys. That's immature behavior. Second, you bring up the divorce when you want to bring it up. Hopefully he will answer honestly. Third, be wary if you're the first one out of the gate for this guy. I know. I was married for a long time and tried dating soon after separation and divorce.
carhill Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 IMO, if you enjoy the interactions, just keep showing up. The relationship history stuff will come around in due time and with due intimacy. If you're concerned about his veracity, it's easy enough to check. In my county, one can check online. My divorce is right there for everyone to see. TBH, I dated a couple ladies while I was separated and it all was a non-issue. I don't even recall talking about it. We just enjoyed each other. After awhile, I decided I wanted to spend some time alone, mainly due to doing EOL care for my mom, so quit dating and haven't been back to it. Your guy will do what he does. No guarantees in life. I can empathize with your personal situation; for myself it's been over four years with nary a date. Companionship is nice. My advice is relax and take each date or interaction as one moment in time and go with the moment. If those moments become a lifetime together, bonus.
confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Please be very careful! I recently dated a guy who is going through a divorce, he thought he was ready to start a relationship again but sadly six months along the line, he is not. You need to be able to be open and honest with each other so if you have questions, ask. Just be very careful that there may still be mixed emotions. Just take things slow and enjoy getting to know each other. All the best.
angel.eyes Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 The basics usually come up naturally in conversation before we ever go on a first date. At that point I'm interested in ascertaining that he's divorced, not separated, and that he's given himself sufficient time to heal since the divorce was finalized (i.e. he's two years out from finalization of the divorce, and his conversation is reflective of someone who has moved on). It typically comes up again on a first date, and then a little later in more depth somewhere in the early dating process. If I see him as LTR material, I'm interested in why things ended...what I'm trying to glean at that point is whether he takes his commitments seriously and what he's learned from past relationships....whether a repeat error (this time with me) is unlikely. The guy will give you plenty of openings in a conversation to ask your questions. It can feel very natural if it's part of the conversation rather than a separate interrogation you conduct. It also doesn't put him on the defensive, while a formal inquisition might. Basically, tag on to his questions about you. Keep it light and use humor.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Is he divorced or seperated? There's a difference. What you are getting at is a fear that becaue he has only been single for a few months while you have been single for 10 years is that you think he's with you because you like him or you're making it easy for him not because he has chosen to be with you. Your logic is flawed. He could very well turn it around on you & think is she with me becaue after 10 years I'm the 1st guy who showed interest & she's desperate after all that time. The length of time isn't the issue or it shouldn't be. Since he is being so patient I see that as evidence that he likes you & is not just settling for you. The fact that you want to test him speaks negatively of you. Reset your thought process. Unless given concrete evidence otherwise, assume he's with you becaue he wants to be not because he's settling. If you have a more positive attitude, your entire world will brighten up. 1
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