In a relationship with a still married man whose getting a divorce...sometime...

[thewoman747]

Hi. My name is Sarah (or it will be on here). The guy I'm with is named Tesla (or it is on here). And his wife's name is Sam or Samantha (or it is on here).

 

Anyways, I met Tesla under weird circumstances. Neither of us were going to be where we were and had only gotten there because he was kicked out of his in laws house for trying to talk to Sam about how to punish his oldest step daughter for something she did. Sam's brother stepped in because he had helped raise the child and told Tesla that he wasn't to talk to the girl that way. Sam was right there and did nothing to defend him. It got to the point where the brother told him to leave. They had just moved to Idaho, where I'm from (at least on here) and he barely knew anyone. But as he's a musician, he had met someone who gave him a place to stay. The guy who gave him a place to stay also said that Sam and her two kids could move in, but she refused. This was after she had lied to Tesla a bunch of times about other guys she was talking to and about a sister who wasn't really her sister and about trusting him at all and everything. She also ditched him on their first anniversary. (I should add that I actually have heard her admit to all of these things and constantly change her reasons why...none of them are convincing in the first place and none of them are because "he did it first").

 

Anyways, my friend was the roommate of the guy he stayed with and she threw a birthday party for a mutual friend of ours. I wasn't going to go, as at the time I was just ending a course of medication that had the side effect of a trip to bipolar-ville and I've always had a hard time convincing myself to hang out with friends....once I'm there, I have a great time, but until then I'm technically anti social about it while still wanting to be involved....yeah, I don't get it either and neither did my old therapist, lol.

 

Anyways, I had this whole pulling feeling that I get sometimes happen and, basically, if I don't follow said feeling, I tend to get kind of sick feeling and then it usually turns out to have been something that I needed to do. Basically it's a bit of a sixth sense. So I went.

 

That's how we met. At a trailer in a pretty ****ty part of town which was (and this part is totally accurate) number 8 on F street. And, yes, the two parts of this address were side by side on this trailer and the moment we pulled into the driveway I knew something was going to happen here at F8 and it did.

 

The moment I met him, I knew I had to get to know him. Not to try to get with him, but just that same tugging feeling.

 

As time went by, we found out that we had a lot in common and we were able to hold conversations with each other that we couldn't really hold with anyone else...no one else could keep up with either of us.

 

Initially, we just talked and texted. On occasion there were calls too. At first, I gave him advice on how to help things get better with his wife (which I had done many times for other people) but nothing worked. She didn't listen, she lied, she talked about cheating to other guys....and then she started beating on him when he asked her to get rid of a few photos of her and her ex. It was really bad.

 

So basically what happened is someone in my family got really sick and I ended up having to stay in their apartment for a while. On a whim, I asked if he wanted a vacation. He did. So he came to stay with me.

 

By that point things were getting more difficult to deny between us, even though he wanted things to work with his wife. He had grown up wanting to be married and have a family and he now had that. A wife and two step kids...but things just were not right.

 

So eventually, on a night of pain for the both of us, we broke down and things escalated.

 

Fast forward further, and Sam found out about me. At first, he told her that it would be over between the two of us. I was helping with his music career by then, however he said that that would end too. It didn't, of course. And she found out about that too.

 

Eventually he told her off. Said that I was the only person who was there for him and he wouldn't give me up.

 

Then, she found out the relationship was still going on. She didn't give up but she was (With good reason) pissed off.

 

Then he and I moved. He didn't tell her I was the one leaving with him though. She found that out after we got down here.

 

Since we got to where we're at, Tesla has held many conversations with her about the fact that he chose me and that she needs to let him go. He actually proposed to me and we are spiritually married. Because the thing is, he and are not normal in a lot of ways. We always aim to work things out between the two of us and we are both so weirdly linked mentally and even, in some way, physically. I can tell that I do, in fact, make him happy and generally it's blissful.

 

But there are times when I worry and I don't trust it. He doesn't give me many reasons to not trust him and, when I point out something that he did or said that makes me worry, he either fixes the problem and reassures me or does his absolute best to make it up to me. We're also never away from each other, and generally when either of us are online (though not right now) we are right next to each other, screens in full view of each other.

 

Something happened tonight though. I was going through his phone to find a few pictures that we took and I found something. He knows I found them too, though we haven't talked. Will be in the morning though.

 

A while back, he told me that I could delete the pictures of him and Sam and anything to do with her and the kids, so I did. Since then, he mentioned that while he has had moments of mild remorse, at the same time, it's helping him get past what happened, the abuse she put him through and what he did to her. He never wanted to be the guy who ran off with his assistant, but that's what he did and it really does affect him. That, and she is queen of the guilt trips, however, she has also given a large amount of things to come back with. But about two weeks ago (I think) Sam started sending him pictures of her smiling. Just her in clothing asking for what he thought of them or simply a smile and a "a smile to cheer you up" message. He told me about them. I mentioned that they bothered me. A while later, it was mentioned that she'd sent another. I asked why he hadn't asked her to stop. He said it was just because it hadn't come up.

 

I've been in the room when they've talked on the phone and heard her voice. I know it's her he's been talking to and I know he's been telling her it's over. I've seen the messages they've sent each other. And yet, today, I found out that he's been saving the pictures of her on his phone.

 

I don't understand it. I really don't. This woman has hurt him to points I've watched him cry, held him while he has, and have watched and heard him call her while he was, begging for answers as to why she did any of this to him, only for him to get told that she did because she wanted to and felt like it....and I've been on the receiving end of all of the good he tried to give to her in the beginning that she didn't care to have and so much more. He tells everyone that I've constantly been there for him and whenever he goes somewhere, I go too (not just because I want to, but because he prefers it!). He loves me, I can tell, and I love him too. And yet....this. Why? Can anyone help me? I know that I'll be talking to him in the morning about it (was planning to do it tonight but was to upset...by the time I was well enough to talk (I kind of freeze when I'm upset sometimes) he and I had already laid down to go to sleep. I got up when I realized I couldn't really sleep and then found this site after typing for a while.). I mean, I get that getting over someone can be hard when you're "blessed" with empathy, but even still....I thought this part was done, but apparently not.

 

My friends wouldn't get this and I feel that if I talk to a "professional" I'll just get told I' being used and that I should walk away. We're on the other side of the country from Sam now and he's not trying to get me to support him...in fact, he supports me. I'm not rich, I'm not skinny or blonde (things he used to prefer (though I am working on the weight for my own reasons; his encouragement helped give me a push, but I'd wanted to forever)) and I'm not an idiot (which he wouldn't prefer anyways, but still....)

 

I'm sure that this can work out and I know that we'll be able to talk it all out tomorrow, but if anyone can give me some sound advice tonight, I would appreciate it.

 

Thanks in advance for anything and everything,

 

~Sarah

[Survivor12]

First of all, if he wanted to make things right, he would have taken care of ending his marriage instead of running off with you. Would it have been hard? Of course it would, but being with someone you love is worth the cost--right???

 

He may have chosen you, but you have chosen a man who is weak and easily manipulated. Without you, he would likely have remained in an unhappy marriage indefinitely because he couldn't leave on his own without having someone to guide him.

 

Even now that the cat is out of the bag, he still has made no attempt to put an end to his marriage because, despite it all, he's not willing--or able--to cut ties for fear of being on his own.

 

Sure, he may have feelings for you, but it sounds as though they are rooted in his need for a partner. He wants you by his side constantly because he is needy and fearful.

 

He saved those pictures for the same reason that he hasn't ended his marriage--he isn't willing to burn bridges. Committing to you "spiritually" means little if he isn't willing to commit "fully"...which would mean ending his marriage & getting a divorce, regardless of the sacrifices it would take to accomplish.

 

You have good reason to have reservations about him & your relationship & he has (and is) giving you many reasons not to trust him--the first one being his ability and willingness to run away rather than face up to things that he doesn't want to deal with.

 

I would encourage you to be very careful. Don't be too quick to put your heart--and your life--into the hands of someone who has shown that he can't take care of his own.

 

Just remember, his actions are much more revealing and reliable than his words.

[anika99]

It takes two dysfunctional people to have a dysfunctional relationship. Just because your bf played the role of victim to his abusive wife doesn't mean that she was the one with all the issues. People coming out of abusive relationships need time to heal and fix their issues and it's generally a bad idea for them to jump right in to another relationship before they have grieved and worked on themselves.

 

 

It sounds as though your bf is not over his ex and that's understandable. You can't just get rid of one person and then plug the next person into their spot. The best way to start a new relationship is to be completely healed and over the last relationship. I personally would never agree to be someone's saviour from a bad relationship because people who do that usually are being used as a temporary soft landing, while the person being rescued either goes back to what they were running away from or they recover enough to realize that their intense feelings of love and need for their rescuer were borne from dysfunction and have run their course.

 

 

Given all you know about his wife and marriage it sounds like you were way too involved in that relationship and it's ending. Also not a healthy beginning to a new relationship. Most people just falling in love are all about each other and new love doesn't include fighting with or crying over another woman. You and your bf may have a strong bond but it doesn't sound like you bonded with each other in a healthy environment or for healthy reasons. I would suggest that if your relationship is to survive that you need to take a step back from it and try a fresh start. Live separately, encourage him to get into therapy and to properly grieve his marriage and then start a proper courtship with each other. He might just go running back to his ex because he kind of sounds like a guy who can't be alone but if that's the case you are better off.

[wind willow]

He may have had the best intentions with you, but he still needs time and space to deal with that other relationship.

 

You said the two of you moved. Does that mean you're living together? If so, you need to consider other living arrangements. He needs his space to process and grieve the loss of the relationship.

 

You've got warning signs that he's having seconds thoughts. You need to take a step back and try not to take it personally (I know that's much easier said than done). If you don't, things will likely get worse.

Edited June 12, 2014 by wind willow