custody and SAHD vs primary caregiver

[jakrbbt]

My questions are maybe a bit preemptive, as my husband and I are trying to work things out. I have posted on here before. In a nutshell, I'm realizing we may be incompatible at the very least and that we have an unhealthy relationship. We may need to divorce, hard as that is. IF we do, I want it to be a relatively kind, non-scary, respectful divorce where we agree on things. (Pipe dream?) I care about H and his wellbeing too.

 

I am distractedly beside-myself-nervous about custody and could use some examples, perspectives. It's to the point where I've almost decided to stay married just to avoid a custody battle-- but again, the marriage is very unhealthy. I would not want to grow up in this household if I were the child in the picture. Do you guys think things could work out custody equitably? Any advice?

 

Basic info: H and I have a 1-yr-old baby. I work, H does not. He has been either unemployed or close to unemployed since before our baby was born. We got married when I was pregnant, but we had a several-year relationship before all that. Pregnancy was a surprise and happened after I'd JUST started birth control, one-time s*x and hello, baby. Our relationship was good until several months before the pregnancy. I care about him, and we don't have affairs or physical abuse.

 

I fear, based on some things that H and his family/friends are saying, that H will ask for full custody, child support, and spousal support. He very much talks up the "stay at home dad" subject. He repeatedly asserts that he's the primary care giver and that he sacrifices much. In my most cynical hours, I think he believes that he can't work and needs to live off me if we divorce. (He can work, and I make a modest public-interest lawyer wage that leaves us just about month-to-month for now.) In fact if you read my other post, I have recently been convinced he's staying with me longer so he can collect spousal support-- but I can't handle to be that mistrusting all the time. I don't know. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, some say.

 

I love H, I appreciate his bond with our son, and I certainly don't want to diminish his hard work caring for a baby. However, he is not quite the primary caregiver he says he is, just because he doesn't have a job. If you look at baby's waking hours alone, I have him almost twice as much as H does. (We rarely do anything with our baby together, though I wish we did.) Then, during sleeping hours, it is one hundred percent me except for about an hour most nights when H watches the baby monitor while I try to get some exercise. The overnight stuff was especially rough in the beginning, with several wake-ups, feedings, changing the pee-soaked sheets et cetera . . . all while working full-time. (Husband sleeps across the house in a separate room, his preference.)

 

H sleeps a lot and has several hobbies that are very, very important to him-- I worry that he wouldn't be able to handle being the true full-time parent. He doesn't have a bank account, has an expensive money judgment for an old debt, (I feel bad for him about that), and has never had a full-time job that lasted longer than a couple years, if that. (Partly the economy, partly he won't go back to school.) But how I would hate to bring all that up out loud in court, and drag him over the coals of his old shortcomings and cause him to fear losing his beloved son. I don't want to do that.

 

Since I work full-time and also have the baby more than two-thirds time, I make up for it by working very late at night while everyone is asleep (flexible schedule). On days when I do go into the office, H leaves the SECOND I get home. I do it all, except sleep! And I'm OK with that-- it's temporary, I went thirty-some years with no children, and I feel very honored to care for my son.

 

I do all the other parenting stuff too-- H has never scheduled a doctor appointment, bought diapers, groceries, shoes/clothing, medicines, has never brushed baby's teeth or washed his hair, and has never had him for 24 hours straight. I also play the host if there are guests, take care of the house (except H sweeps and sometimes tidies and constantly smears countertops with antibacterial spray, lol)-- I evaluate and buy and assemble all the safety items such as carseats, (cars for that matter), baby gates et c. I schedule the playdates. Still, H is very sweet to baby, and they clearly love each other very much.

 

Baby and I still have a strong baby-mother bond, though I'm no longer breastfeeding. I have never been away from him overnight; H has been away several times for 4-6 days. I don't feel I could stand to be away from my baby for a whole day right now, while he's so little. Forgot to mention, I had him almost round the clock during my 4 months' maternity leave.

 

If H asserts that he is the primary caregiver and asks for full custody plus majority parenting time, we'll have a pretty significant disagreement. I want custody for three reasons: 1) I'd like baby to "live" in one house (if possible), 2) I want him to be able to be with me overnight until he's old enough to handle being away, and 3) though I feel a bit treasonous saying so, I want to retain some authority over baby's life in the event that H might end up in an unstable situation, as he has in the past-- even if that's not super likely. I have a very stable job and great health care benefits for my son.

 

Child support isn't a factor for me. I'd gladly waive it if it's the reason H wants custody-- he needs to get on his feet financially anyway. Parenting time, also not a factor, even though I feel my guts will be ripped out if baby is away from me for more than a day. He's H's baby too.

 

I would like H to see as much of baby as he wants, up to 50 percent of time. While I disagree strongly over some parenting style issues, I recognize that H and baby both have a bond, just like baby and I do, and they have a right to one another and who am I to get in the way of that?

 

But I greatly fear being made to look like the typical full-time breadwinner/ non-primary caregiver, just because I'm the only one who works--and that H will use that picture to ask for full custody and more than 50% parenting time. Courts in my state have made a big effort not to decide things on gender in recent years, and I am all for that effort-- problem is, some husbands with breadwinner wives have not made that same effort themselves (so some, not all, breadwinner wives do all the breadwinning AND most the other stuff). And I will say that at least in my case, baby cries when mommy leaves the room but not when daddy does-- he loves us both, but that's just the nature of the maternal bond especially right now while he's very young.

 

Views on this? Am I freaking out over nothing?

Edited June 11, 2014 by jakrbbt

[DivorcedDad123]

Welcome to what every working dad with a SAHM goes through.

First, the judge is going to ask what you're going to do with the child while you're working? The court would rather the child be in the care of a parent than a daycare. You're H would have the upper hand here.

 

You have been taking the child to doctor visits,etc., You'd need the medical records that reflect that only you were there.That would help with primary caregiving.

 

You being home 2/3 of the time doesn't count. If H has been there also,it's a wash and he's been there the 1/3 you weren't.If he leaves,as you say, then you'll want proof of that. Like emails and texts. That doesn't mean alot,because SAHM's do that all of the time too. When H gets home,they hand off the child and leave for "me time".

 

"1) I'd like baby to "live" in one house (if possible)"

One house can be at dads.So,that won't get you anywhere.

 

 

"2) I want him to be able to be with me overnight until he's old enough to handle being away, and"

The court doesn't want the child away from either parent an unequal time,unless one parent isn't caring for the child properly or is a danger to the child.

 

 

 

"3) though I feel a bit treasonous saying so, I want to retain some authority over baby's life in the event that H might end up in an unstable situation, as he has in the past-- even if that's not super likely. I have a very stable job and great health care benefits for my son."

 

You can't base custody on a "might end up". It won't happen. Good you have a stable job and health care,but the court wants what's in the best interest of the child.

 

Now, with all of that, pile on the fact that you will be liable for 1/2 of all marital debt. Doesn't matter if it's in H's name only,it's marital,unless he acquired the debt prior to marriage and no funds were comingled to pay for it.if you've been paying for his debts prior to marriage,guess what? You still get to after divorce.

You will continue to pay for H health insurance. You may have to pay for spousal support for a limited time to let H "get on his feet."

You'll also split marital assets. So, H will also get his share of the marital home(if you own and not rent),and his share of all belongings, I.e., vehicles,furniture,appliances,dishes,linens,toothbrushes,toilet tissue,...you get the point.

 

The child being so young plays in your favor though.Even though the "tinder years" doctrine has been done away with, there's still a bias in court that a young child should be with it's mother.Older children,not so much.

If you don't have any major issues,so much the better.

 

Alot depends on the judge you get,and the mood he/she's in that day.

 

Let me tell you,divorce is hell. Once the attorneys and all get involved,it becomes a free for all,mud slinging,mean,alienating,emotional and physical nightmare. It's no fun,but it's not avoidable sometimes. Don't jump into it easily. You'll be still dragging through it 2 years from the time you file,most likely.Unless you two can cooperate. And,if you could do that,you wouldn't be divorcing.

[jakrbbt]

But H would have to work, as well, if we divorce. Either one of us would be using day care when we work, unless the other parent has the child. And I've heard of a" right of first refusal" idea that I like, where one parent can take the child any time that he'd otherwise be in (say) more than 4 hours of day care during the other parent's time.

 

H and I have no shared assets and no shared bank account. We've been married c just over a year. I acquired one used car since then that I'm happy to give him. He's acquired some inexpensive boats and project machines that I don't want. He acquired his debt long before I met him, I haven't paid any of it. We rent rather than own.

 

His student loans are deferred for now, I think... he's maybe ignoring them. I've never paid them for him, but if he tells me they're due, out world be pretty Sh*tty of me to refuse.

 

He'd be living on a friend's couch looking for a job in the beginning, then he'd have whatever work schedule he gets--- but traditionally his work has always been on-call and unpredictable.

Edited June 11, 2014 by jakrbbt

[carhill]

In California, the judge generally considers what is in the best interest of the child and foremost in that regard is maintaining health, safety and stability. Traditionally, mothers, whether they worked or not, did most of the child-rearing and traditionally received the majority custody share. Over time, that's changed, but the basic premise is still there. What arrangement keeps the child's life most consistent, safe and healthy.

 

If your H is employable, and has been, and can be provable as, the primary child custodian in the M, I could see a judge granting him primary custody or joint custody with child support to him and no spousal support. The child support would respect the disparity in your incomes and would be subject to review. Around here, there's a standard formula that's used. YMMV.

 

My focus would be on what's in the best interest of the child. As adults we may see our former or soon to be former spouses as 'bad' people but in reality most who are parents are decent ones. The bench respects that both sides will have their stories and the truth is somewhere in between. If at all possible, attempt to mediate a custody/support arrangement as it can suck having a judge make an order, bang the gavel and leave one with limited legal options. Compromise and agreement is healthier, and easier, in the long run, IMO. Good luck!

[DivorcedDad123]

"But H would have to work, as well, if we divorce. Either one of us would be using day care when we work, unless the other parent has the child. And I've heard of a" right of first refusal" idea that I like, where one parent can take the child any time that he'd otherwise be in (say) more than 4 hours of day care during the other parent's time. "

 

No,he doesnt have to work and employment has no bearing on child custody. He could get subsidized housing,food stamps,W.I.C.,etc.,, Millions in this country do it every day,with children.

 

"H and I have no shared assets and no shared bank account. We've been married c just over a year. I acquired one used car since then that I'm happy to give him. He's acquired some inexpensive boats and project machines that I don't want. He acquired his debt long before I met him, I haven't paid any of it. We rent rather than own."

 

You'll be fine here then,but if those items are paid for and you go to court,they'll be divided equitably or equally.

 

"His student loans are deferred for now, I think... he's maybe ignoring them. I've never paid them for him, but if he tells me they're due, out world be pretty Sh*tty of me to refuse. "

 

You're not responsable for his student loans at all,unless they were acquired during the marriage and you benefitted from them.Even then,it's not likely.

 

"He'd be living on a friend's couch looking for a job in the beginning, then he'd have whatever work schedule he gets--- but traditionally his work has always been on-call and unpredictable"

 

No,in the beginning he'll be allowed to stay in the marital home during the divorce process and you'll be paying his legal expenses most likely,since he's unemployed and you file.

If you want to divorce,there's a way to go about it. In your case,you need him working. So,I'd cut out the unnecessary crap and make it in his interest to get a job. Cut cable,cell phones,internet,etc.,, Give him enough money to cover gas and that's it. That's your first step.Make life as he knows it uncomfortable. As it is,he has no need to get a job when he has you providing for him. I'd say the same to a man getting ready to divorce too.

[d0nnivain]

In the US the universal standard for child custody is what is in the best interest of the child? A number of factors go into that analysis including income, lifestyle & daycare options.

 

 

Nobody on an internet message board can answer this Q for you. You need to consult a lawyer in your area who specializes in divorce & custody. Do not take legal advice from people who didn't graduate from law school but do educate yourself about the law in your area.

[carhill]

OP, if you haven't done so already, since you're routinely at the courthouse anyway, stop by the family law division and see what resources are available there. They often have help with procedure, filing fees, mediation referrals, etc, etc.

 

Since you're a lawyer, you know your best legal advice will come from a lawyer; the focus of my postings is to ameliorate fear of the process. The more familiar you become with them and the options available to you, the more likely your stress will lessen and you can make more efficient use of the very expensive time your lawyer will provide.

 

Here's something my lawyer asked me: What one thing do you want to focus on as your successful result from this divorce? If you have to give up other things, what one do you want to hang on to?

 

In my case, it was the ability to do EOL care for my mom, so all other considerations were secondary and I took an asset hit to do that. Your focus will be your own. When it was all said and done, I was very grateful to my lawyer for that bit of advice. It's worked out well.

[Yasuandio]

If you want to divorce,there's a way to go about it. In your case,you need him working. So,I'd cut out the unnecessary crap and make it in his interest to get a job. Cut cable,cell phones,internet,etc.,, Give him enough money to cover gas and that's it. That's your first step.Make life as he knows it uncomfortable. As it is,he has no need to get a job when he has you providing for him. I'd say the same to a man getting ready to divorce too.

 

It is my guess that OP may be riding the rails on yet a third post.

 

The Question:

 

No matter how you turn or twist it, honey, is there actually a marriage bond between you and this man behind the marital contract, OR or are your positive points about the marriage your analytical illusion (that you have invented and continue to defend?).

 

Let's look at thru the relevant lens of your own profession. My take, when I read your posts, the issue you raise in the Title and Opening thread are very convincing, just as the Prosicutor's "Opening Statement" to the Court. However, as your post proceeds and grows, and the other posts and advice come in, it appears to me your role very much begins to take on a "Defense Attorney" position for your Client, the Husband, whom was the subject of the problematic claim in the Title of Thread, or Alligation in the Lawsuit.

 

Not unlike building a defense is Court - it should be technically true according to law; but also convincing and compelling in your client's favour (i.e., decent rationalizations for H issues such as learning disability, "he's so sweet to the baby and has established a bond, etc.), even though your Defendant, admittedly commited the crime (refused to be an active participant in supporting household, disengaged from marriage, recently saw an attoney about divorce, custody and method to best milk you for spousal support). As a Defense Attorney, convenient ommisions are necessary, correct? You wouldn't want to be treasonous to your Client; in the event Client (your Husband) might end up in unstable situation as has happened in past, right? [im not sure - does that professional reasoning and conduct comport alright with the Bar?] Therefore, are aware of these facts of which your Client is guilty, and in the LS Court, before the jury, you are both Prosecutor and Defense Council alleding and defending "Problematic Marital Conduct (aka PMC) As a Defense attorney, it is always possible for you to win the case, and for your Client to be found innocent (just on a technicality), even though he commited the crime of PMC (or any crime for that matter: DUI or MURDER).

 

Let's say you got him off on a technicallity and he walked on the crime of PMC, DUI, or Murder - take your pick. As Defense Attorney, you were aware you Client was guilty that knows he got his guilty - but you found loopholes to prevent him from serving a sentence for his crime (remember, the Jury always says either "Guilty," or "Not Guilty," -- the Jury NEVER says INNOCENT). Technically, the Defense Attorney has done a fine job, properly, according to the law, and the legal profession. This defense attorney can tell him/herself they did the right thing, and feel good and proud, even though an innocent person(s) is suffering from PMC; lost a leg due to a colision with a drunk driver; or lost their life and are six feet under.

 

As your Husband's Defense Attorney, you can talk yourself into winning the lawsuit, you, as Prosecutor filed under case styled: Custody and SAHD vs Primary Caregiver. That is my POINT. Look at your threads - and the pattern. You are a smart, sharp, sophisticated, professional woman - raising the same issue up over and over. The answer to your question is obvious. If it is this bad in the first year of marriage, what do you expect it will be like in five years, or ten years?

 

Suggestions Already Given (w/ some new ones):

 

1. Get him emancipated ASAP.Above quote exactly, DivorcedDad123, this lazy man needs to be self-sufficient toot-sweet. Get him a beater, and in no uncertain terms, he has to get a job. Child can go to daycare just like other normal kids.

 

2. Education fund for child.If much time can go by, and then you will have more problems. If it is only one year in the marriage changing course at this time won't look at all suspitious. As per DiviorcedDad123, Shut off all the fun timewaster's one at a time (cable, charge cards, Internet, cells). He can have a track phone with a prepaid card. Well, what to do with that extra money? Of course, an education fund for the child. Like, duh? Someone has to think about the kid's future - if H refuses to GET A JOB.

 

3. Forensics.Before shutting down utilities, have computer forensically analyzed, and all phone and text details ordered to your office. You can get everything. Same when you return his phone - all deleted data you must have retrieved. Easy breezy. Just tell'em you're switching it in for another phone. If you feel bad doing this, then just don't read the materials, put them in a safety deposit box. This is an insurance policy.

 

4. Get ducks in a row for divorce (proof you are best parent + evidence to hurt his case). As perfectly stated in a previous post, your "quality time w/ child" arguments are extremely thin, at best. Your Husband is waaaaay ahead on quality time and will likely win full or equal custody (coming from Carhill - one of the most knowledgable and respected Vets on LS). That's the reason I've been telling you dig and find what the heck he's doing every night. COA homework has to be done by YOU, or a hired expert. At very least forensics on devices, for God's sake. Your lawyer is like the rest - I bet he didn't think of half the angles you find here. He is counting on you and what you tell him.

 

5. Be prepared for the absolute WORST scenario. It is a pity Divorce is advisarial due to its contractual nature. Just as your H refers to you as the ENEMY, the visa-versa is also true, you have to get real, wake up, pull your head out of sand. I analyzed it to it's death for you: no longer can you be H's Defense Council - that is the equivilient of cutting your throat on Custody (the only important issue of concern).

 

6. Don't be a dummy, GET REAL. Think like him. (You have been so concerned about embassassing or exposing H's problems). He wont protect you in the same fashion. His MO has already been exposed. H has put divorce square on table, seen an attorney, and named you as enemy. He has asked his family to team up against you. Do you think they will play nice? The offers you have made, and all the reasoning to support them are a waste, it's all in your head, girl! You are an attorney - that is a big fish! Think! If roles were reversed, what would you do?

 

7. WAR IS HELL. Eff Trust and Compassion. It no longer exists. You play by the rules of the Court now. He has an attorney, you have an attorney. You have your story, he has his story. Sometimes, attorney might accectuate certain elements of the story, and even omit some part of the story. Remember - it is all about "perception," and as is often said: the truth lies somewhere in between. Sometimes things sound a little distorted to one of the parties. [sidebar. I know this for a fact! Opposing council accused me of forcing my husband to take a BJ! That just wasn't true! He asked me for it! And it was upsetting to learn he wanted a divorce minutes afterwards. I have it on tape, his apology for using me like that. However, by engaging me in sex, unbenounced to either one of us, he was legally forgiving me for some ill-advised conduct on my part in this State. To answe the opposing council's question, All I had to say was, "didn't you listen to tape-recording?"]

 

I'm going to give you one more impotant reason why you need an insurance policy. You cannot trust this man, and you need to trust actions, and evidence you have seen with your own 2 eyes. More proof is the fact that you are here raising such concerns.

 

If I were him, and I wanted to go after you for full custody, child support, alimony - I see you as such an easy mark. First thing I'm gonna do is play pretend like everything is ok, cause I know you will be fooled. Next thing I'll do is start forensics. Get police records on your little assault. Instruct my attorney to reseach how to sopeanea your hospital, and psychological records. Meanwhile, I'll gather the police records and blotters, any news coverage on event. Any other skeleton you have, I will exploit it, and gather evidence, while you think everything is peachy-keen. When it is time to strike, I'll start an unpleasant argument about the lack of sex in the marital relationship, (accusations might be made about a possible AFFAIR or I could make implications, "what are you holding back?" "I know there is more to story."), with you in public and in front of a witness(s). My attorney will get their statements later on. (Do you realize that it is not uncommon for cheaters to accuse their innocent mate of cheating?)See if you would buy this fictious story. I might have a few mistakes, but your Husband could make the corrections:

 

Husband's Plea to Judge:

 

Judge the marriage started going badly after my wife suffered a psychological trama. She was coming home from work very late, as always, it was her last day - and I begged her to come on home early to celebrate her new job, spend some quality time with our baby and also I was missing her so much! On the way to her car that evening, she was kidnapped by gunppoint, and dragged into a van by som men (tears well up in husbands eyes, Duputy brings box of tissue). She managed to escape, but I know, as her husband, this event left her very deeply scarred, and unhealed wounds remain on my wife. The doctors recommended psychological treatment, but my wife refused tome and time again, even though we had full insurance coverage. Everything turned upside-down in our lives. She asked me to leave the master bedroom, she denied my efforts to console and comfort her. She turned very cold and clinical, and poured herself into her work night and day. I took on the role of SAHD to see that our infant received the proper nurturing and bonding during this extended period of time, that continues to this day. As well, I took care of all the household details and chores. Most times now, when she gets home, she demands that I "get out of her house," and I feel I have to leave the premises and take orderes from her. All I feel I am able to do is just go out and sit in the car until she calms down, this has become my habit for almost a year - I just cannot live like this anymore. Even though she eventually did get some therapy - she has pretty much emasculated me, and caused irreputable damages. With her temper, and personality changes I am asking for a divorce and full time custody of our child. Due to the psychological trama she must still be coping with, as well as her established pattern of workaholism, I believe I am the parent that can offer the most stable and consistent loving and nurturing environment for our son, and I have an extended family that is close and ready and able to join me. Furthermore, I am concerned about my wife's stability, and anger management issues that seem to have emerged since the traumatic event she suffered. Her tendency to be argumentative seems directed essentially towards me, and I do not comprehend why I must be subject to cross-examination day in and day out, I'm doing the best I can as a SAHD with a wife that refuses to participate in normal marital relations. MC has not been effective, and MC suggest IC. I'm asking Your Honor to grant me Full Custody, Child Support, and Amilony in the Standard amount the Court allows. Thank you, Judge.

 

(That is my first draft, and I am no a lawyer, far from it).

 

I know it is a line of BS, but I could support some of it with LS statements, and the rest is "He Said, She Said." all the things you've brought as negatives about H's conduct in your threads can be turned around, it's just a matter of perception. You know how Court works. Is it possible that you make him feel uncomfortable when you get home? Do you somehow create a hostile atmosphere (like grabbing the baby and taking off to your without a hello)?Add in Carhill's take, and you don't look so good.

 

I couldn't believe the out and out complete fabrications I was faced with in cross-examination. My mouth dropped-open. All I could say was "WHAT!?!?!" Half giggling. The accusations were hysterical! They asked me if I could be a Barista at Starbucks to increase my income (at the risk of losing my private disability income, which is close to my salary as a Professor). My response was: "I don't think that' a good idea, since I'm taking 14 pretty strong psychiatric drugs. Do you wanna try one?

 

Hope you liked my story, hon. Yas

[Yasuandio]

My questions are maybe a bit preemptive, as my husband and I are trying to work things out. I have posted on here before. In a nutshell, I'm realizing we may be incompatible at the very least and that we have an unhealthy relationship. We may need to divorce, hard as that is. IF we do, I want it to be a relatively kind, non-scary, respectful divorce where we agree on things. (Pipe dream?) I care about H and his wellbeing too.

 

I am distractedly beside-myself-nervous about custody and could use some examples, perspectives. It's to the point where I've almost decided to stay married just to avoid a custody battle-- but again, the marriage is very unhealthy.

 

I would not want to grow up in this household if I were the child in the picture. Do you guys think things could work out custody equitably? Any advice?

 

Basic info: H and I have a 1-yr-old baby. I work, H does not. He has been either unemployed or close to unemployed since before our baby was born. We got married when I was pregnant, but we had a several-year relationship before all that. Pregnancy was a surprise and happened after I'd JUST started birth control, one-time s*x and hello, baby. Our relationship was good until several months before the pregnancy. I care about him, and we don't have affairs or physical abuse.

 

I fear, based on some things that H and his family/friends are saying, that H will ask for full custody, child support, and spousal support. He very much talks up the "stay at home dad" subject. He repeatedly asserts that he's the primary care giver and that he sacrifices much. In my most cynical hours, I think he believes that he can't work and needs to live off me if we divorce. (He can work, and I make a modest public-interest lawyer wage that leaves us just about month-to-month for now.) In fact if you read my other post, I have recently been convinced he's staying with me longer so he can collect spousal support-- but I can't handle to be that mistrusting all the time. I don't know. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, some say.

 

I love H, I appreciate his bond with our son, and I certainly don't want to diminish his hard work caring for a baby. However, he is not quite the primary caregiver he says he is, just because he doesn't have a job. If you look at baby's waking hours alone, I have him almost twice as much as H does. (We rarely do anything with our baby together, though I wish we did.) Then, during sleeping hours, it is one hundred percent me except for about an hour most nights when H watches the baby monitor while I try to get some exercise. The overnight stuff was especially rough in the beginning, with several wake-ups, feedings, changing the pee-soaked sheets et cetera . . . all while working full-time. (Husband sleeps across the house in a separate room, his preference.)

 

H sleeps a lot and has several hobbies that are very, very important to him-- I worry that he wouldn't be able to handle being the true full-time parent. He doesn't have a bank account, has an expensive money judgment for an old debt, (I feel bad for him about that), and has never had a full-time job that lasted longer than a couple years, if that. (Partly the economy, partly he won't go back to school.) But how I would hate to bring all that up out loud in court, and drag him over the coals of his old shortcomings and cause him to fear losing his beloved son. I don't want to do that.

 

Since I work full-time and also have the baby more than two-thirds time, I make up for it by working very late at night while everyone is asleep (flexible schedule). On days when I do go into the office, H leaves the SECOND I get home. I do it all, except sleep! And I'm OK with that-- it's temporary, I went thirty-some years with no children, and I feel very honored to care for my son.

 

I do all the other parenting stuff too-- H has never scheduled a doctor appointment, bought diapers, groceries, shoes/clothing, medicines, has never brushed baby's teeth or washed his hair, and has never had him for 24 hours straight. I also play the host if there are guests, take care of the house (except H sweeps and sometimes tidies and constantly smears countertops with antibacterial spray, lol)-- I evaluate and buy and assemble all the safety items such as carseats, (cars for that matter), baby gates et c. I schedule the playdates. Still, H is very sweet to baby, and they clearly love each other very much.

 

Baby and I still have a strong baby-mother bond, though I'm no longer breastfeeding. I have never been away from him overnight; H has been away several times for 4-6 days. I don't feel I could stand to be away from my baby for a whole day right now, while he's so little. Forgot to mention, I had him almost round the clock during my 4 months' maternity leave.

 

If H asserts that he is the primary caregiver and asks for full custody plus majority parenting time, we'll have a pretty significant disagreement. I want custody for three reasons: 1) I'd like baby to "live" in one house (if possible), 2) I want him to be able to be with me overnight until he's old enough to handle being away, and 3) though I feel a bit treasonous saying so, I want to retain some authority over baby's life in the event that H might end up in an unstable situation, as he has in the past-- even if that's not super likely. I have a very stable job and great health care benefits for my son.

 

Child support isn't a factor for me. I'd gladly waive it if it's the reason H wants custody-- he needs to get on his feet financially anyway. Parenting time, also not a factor, even though I feel my guts will be ripped out if baby is away from me for more than a day. He's H's baby too.

 

I would like H to see as much of baby as he wants, up to 50 percent of time. While I disagree strongly over some parenting style issues, I recognize that H and baby both have a bond, just like baby and I do, and they have a right to one another and who am I to get in the way of that?

 

But I greatly fear being made to look like the typical full-time breadwinner/ non-primary caregiver, just because I'm the only one who works--and that H will use that picture to ask for full custody and more than 50% parenting time. Courts in my state have made a big effort not to decide things on gender in recent years, and I am all for that effort-- problem is, some husbands with breadwinner wives have not made that same effort themselves (so some, not all, breadwinner wives do all the breadwinning AND most the other stuff). And I will say that at least in my case, baby cries when mommy leaves the room but not when daddy does-- he loves us both, but that's just the nature of the maternal bond especially right now while he's very young.

 

Views on this? Am I freaking out over nothing?

 

The BOLDED portions above should answer your final question. Along with the titles of your other two posts, one re: H's passive aggressive behavior, the other about H secretly seeking council to milk you for alimony.

 

LS has been of great assistance to me in my times of need over the past four years. Although, my advice may be a bit abstract at times, it is always my intention to "pay-it-forward" (maybe its play-it-forward?),a saying coined from a well known film. Once in awhile a particular poster's issue grabs me, and I become a real active participant. Thinking about another's problem's other than mine is a good exercise for me mentally and physically. I can spend a whole day examining and thinking about a dead "fly" while Im preparing a week's worth of Italian meatballs. That is just how my mind works.

 

I spent some time on your issue today, and so you must too. You have gotten some outstanding feedback from others as well.

 

Hon, you have to open your eyes and read your own words above! When I re-read your post, I was like, OMG, I've been there. I know what it is like. Please see! See what you are writing! Hear what you saying!

 

The same is all over my threads. Denial. Hopefulness. Any new dangled thang that comes out like the "Law of Attraction," or "Indian Astrology," I'm on it like white on rice. I understand. But appartently, my problem, with denial in the face of horrendous proof - was not due to illness or medications. Cause you are responding as I was to terrible things, and making excuses for the perpitrator.

 

Normally, due to the paranoid, and/or fearful voice in your threads and posts, I would tell you to see a psychiatrist. But you CANNOT do that under any circumstances. You need some medical attention, clearly - but it must be covert. A medical doctor you trust - you get an agreement apriori that the doctor will not write the information down. No Prozac or mental crap. It won't help anyway - tell the Dr., you know too. Something calming and for normal people, if anything is required.

 

Your medical records are subject to discovery - you must know that, a Consent to Confidentiality Order in place will protect your privacy (unless you have something to hide). So make sure not to generate anything mental. Let him do that for his untreated ADHD.

 

Now, a few more things I don't want to forget. Be sure everything is out about everything with attorney.

 

Also, if you want a smart pal to PM, I'm at your service. But you do not have enough posts yet. If you become a subscriber like I am - it is possible you will get PM privileges - but check first. I need help too - staying on the straight and narrow. I have a lot of resources to share. If your interest, you know what to do. Ok, that is it. Done and done. I feel I really accomplished something good today. I pray so, and sending you the best vibes. Stay strong and positive. Yas

[Yasuandio]

LSer's, look at this!

 

On our forum, a poor woman is currently being shaken down and conned into signing over an $800G IRA, oh, just to be reinvested or something like, whatever. Some sharp cookie comes to the woman's rescue with some straight-shooting advice:

 

I'm going to be evil:

 

Tell him you have drawn up a counter-agreement: You want HIM to sign the IRA over to YOU. Give him a big Michael Landon smile and tell him not to worry, that you promise you'll really really give him some of the money when you inevitably turn it into more money, after he's relinquished it all to you.

 

Do you think he'll agree to that? No? Why not? !!!!

 

There is a reason he can't do it without your permission. There is a reason it's called "permission" or "consent"-- it is absolutely yours to grant or not. And DON'T WORRY if you think he'll revoke all his niceness when you refuse to do the little favor of basically giving him your biggest asset. How much would you pay for a few months of niceness from some tacky old dude? $800,000 you said it was? I'd re-evaluate that. Hell, I'd even pay a dollar to have the guy get out of my face and quit being all nice bugging me about my money. Ohhh, don't get scammed. I hate when people get scammed. Good luck. You don't need this nonsense.

 

Remind me not to do business with this guy!

 

 

Do you know who posted this advice? No other than our own Jak.Rbbt, Esq., only 32 years old.

 

I did a little background check on you, girl, and I'm speechless. I need a friend like you, yesterday. Holy crap. Fricken night and day!

 

Geez. Your mind is spinning as bad as mine at some of my worst points in marital history - down the road 15 years. I was much more collected at your age. I started getting more like you at, perhaps, well, I'll just have to say it - late in life, since the diagnosis of the bi-polar 2 disorder. It is a frieghtened, panicked, worried, circular thinking that feels natural yet agitating. It makes perfect sense - but to others - your reasoning is absolutely skewed. And you spend a lot of time going over it, re-framing it, etc.

 

I'm not saying you have that disorder, at all. But I never felt such fear, and matters getting past my control to the point where I presented paranoia (which is based in reality). Now, it could be, just the concept of losing control of a child is bad enough to drive a person to this state. I did not have children - so I do not know about this. But I do know I was mortified that I'd be put out of my home and forced to sell all my beautiful collections and art; I was afraid of not being well - what the Judge might perceive, it was a delicate balancing act (she is sick, but she is smart, can she handle the rental property and take care of herself, etc.), and I was so scared about my bad conduct, and the lack of any evidence of his: Certainly, the very fit and buff man of mine did not go without sex for years at a time, did he? This concept I FINALLY grasped after about 10 years (everyone I knew tried to explain this to me for years and years, it just didn't register; even my doctor told me it was "highly unlikely" for a man in his condition to not have a sexual outlet of some kind). DUH.

 

Honey, wakie, wakie! You smart cookie, you! I am so sorry for your confusion, and I so relate too much. I be glad to take your hand and walk you through this one. Get going and draw up plan, Evil Genus. After what I've been through, I'm devious to the core - we'd make a mean team, dude. (But Yas is still sweet as sugar, ask anyone on LS). Time for Mommy to pop the cork. If I helped you at all, or entertained you (at least), it has been a pleasure today! Yas

Edited June 12, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Tayla]

Legal advice is recommended.

 

Human advice, can be shared. Do with this what you shall.

 

(1) Its absolutely possible to have an amicable divorce. Set your priority on the child.

(2) remove all these obsticles of material gain or loss.

(3) Be adults. Clearly resolve parent goals for the 18 year plan. What schooling, How medical will be handled. Visitation. Co-parenting is the key. Teacher parent conferences, After school programs? faith based programs?, Nutrition? Discipline? Share Income tax credit for child?

(4) Stay out of the mud. Thats how people get stuck.

(5) Be flexible, Both of you.

(5.5) Relocation

(6) Understand that somethings cannot be predicted, So leave some wiggle room for changes.

(7) Most importantly and as adults, Stay out of each others personal lives and relationships. (see item 4). Once your marriage is dissolved, You are free to be responsible for yourself and that of your child.

 

My Ex and I did the above, without involving lawyers. Agreements can be comprised and presented. Didnt need a lawyer to write up what we ourselves laid out as reasonable and responsible . Our goal remained steadfast .

[jakrbbt]

Thank you, everyoe!! I was spinning out a bit.

 

In fact I left the forum for several days because I was interpreting from it two messages:

 

1) Divorce is hell, period, always-- and will ruin your life;

2) You MUST divorce, don't even pretend you should not.

 

So those were conflicting in my mind. I was paralyzed with worry and dread, trying so hard to prevent the worst that I was losing the ability to make actual decisions.

 

Carhill for example was very correct in saying that I'm looking for ways to reduce anxiety about what will happen. That is a very valuable benefit of this forum, to me.

 

And Yas, you are both correct and hilarious when you describe my dual state of mind-- in one post you have me as both prosecutor and defense attorney. Thank you for your compassionate wakeup calls.

 

If I try too hard to anticipate the worst from H, I lose some of that ability to make rational decisions. The same happens if I try too hard to give him the extreme benefit of the doubt.

 

So I will do neither. I can keep an activity log and protect my future without at all destroying my husband's. If he does damage to his own future, then I truly can't stop that, much as I'd like to. And if I am horribly wrong about something, I'll leave that to my lawyer to figure out (or his lawyer or whoever)-- no more super-triple-guessing my own decisions just to try to be correct all the time. My decisions are actually very sound when I give myself permission to make them.

 

I have been trying to avoid seeing a lawyer until I am ready to file. My plan has been to file either when my husband and I have been able to discuss it, or when the point comes where it looks like we can't discuss it and yet it has to happen. Legally speaking and for our child's well-being, that clock runs out in about 4 months give-or-take, when out lease ends and yet before we've been married 2 years. (According to the lawyer I have seen.) We have an excellent counselor now, no-nonsense and yet compassionate.

 

Still, before I have the conversation(s) with H, I'm going back to the attorney to get more information. I have no plans to "screw" H or do anything unfair, but that doesn't mean that I go into it blind. I'd been wanting to avoid paying that attorney retainer, but again, I can't go into the process blind.

 

Blindness does not = kindness!

 

I am still bothered by some things (for example, his relationship with his sister) and still may start a thread to post about them. Sometimes I benefit from being talked down from certain desires, for instance, the desire to go to my husband and just complain about the things that bother me.

 

One thing I did discover, was that the court will impute at least minimum wage to him and will assume that he'll work. He is employable at considerably more than min wage. (He still gets part time work very occasionally at well over twice that wage.) So in our state, you don't get paid to refuse to work because you have been a stay-at-home and want to continue being one while not married. That's not to say that I want him seeing his child any less, and not to say that I'd refuse to help out where I can--it's just that I am not facing some kind of 25 percent of my income child support. (And if there's less at stake, there's less to fight about theoretically. Another reason for an earlier divorce.)

 

I will post an update or rant soon!

Edited June 22, 2014 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

I need some perspective I think. I just cannot seem to start the process. And I'm very angry with my husband. But at least I am no longer equivocal about wanting to not be married anymore.

 

Since my last post, my husband has actually been making significant efforts to improve some things. He spends more time with me and our son rather than disappearing. He is nicer to me most the time and tries to be in a better mood. He attends weekly MC with me. He helps out a little more in the evenings. He has told me many times that he really wants us to stay together.

 

But there are so many things that just will not or maybe cannot change. For starters, we are simply so different that we are incompatible. I can't be happy with anything even close to the lifestyle he wants, and vice versa.

 

And we still don't sleep together, though we are attracted to each other (but he won't brush daily and he refuses to ever floss, which has become a problem for me).

 

There are also financial issues that will continue as long as I'm with him. At this point, he has taken a part-time job two hours away. However, I keep paying for the gas and any food or incidentals he needs while there, even though i also make his lunches for the trips. He contributes zero with his paychecks, I guess it all goes to his hobby fund. And I am home with our baby for between 12 and 48 hours, depending on the shifts he takes. I lose work and my productivity goes down at work because of it. This happened twice in the past: he'd take a part-time job for several months, he'd tell me that he would pay me back for the initial gas expense when he got his first paycheck. Then he'd just never pay me for any gas expense and I'd find that it is more expensive for me if he works, than if he doesn't. He's not an extravagant guy, but he spends all his paycheck on hobbies rather than contribute a little to our family expenses. That's just the way he is. Meanwhile, times are very tight for us.

 

There are so many other issues as well, that I feel sure will not improve. While he has been trying to improve other things, I've lost my desire to stay married. I have completely lost hope in our future together, and I don't trust him and I want a divorce. But it makes me sad and scared, and my husband is so much in "let's fix it" land, that I can't bring it up. One thing I can say though, I'm a lot less panicky than I used to be about what would happen to him if we divorced. I think he'll be ok . Our situation is not ok.

 

I can NOT bring myself to make this change. How was it for those of you who did it? Can you remember being where I am now? I feel I'm progressing at least, and thanks for all the support so far.

Edited July 14, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Mr. Lucky]

There are also financial issues that will continue as long as I'm with him. At this point, he has taken a part-time job two hours away. However, I keep paying for the gas and any food or incidentals he needs while there, even though i also make his lunches for the trips. He contributes zero with his paychecks, I guess it all goes to his hobby fund. And I am home with our baby for between 12 and 48 hours, depending on the shifts he takes. I lose work and my productivity goes down at work because of it. This happened twice in the past: he'd take a part-time job for several months, he'd tell me that he would pay me back for the initial gas expense when he got his first paycheck. Then he'd just never pay me for any gas expense and I'd find that it is more expensive for me if he works, than if he doesn't. He's not an extravagant guy, but he spends all his paycheck on hobbies rather than contribute a little to our family expenses. That's just the way he is. Meanwhile, times are very tight for us.

Not qualified to give you legal advice, others here much better positioned to do so. I'd certainly caution you against putting too much faith in counsel received anonymously and online.

 

But I can't help but be struck by how divided and separate you see the two of you in terms of parenting and marriage. Notable how few times you said "we" in describing your situation, almost always "he" and "I".

 

Doesn't seem like you've ever let your guard down. And assuming that wariness is justified, why marry him in the first place ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

He is pulling the wool over your eyes.

 

There, I said it in a "nice" way.

 

(Meanwhile, he is proceeding with his agenda with the other warriors in toe. Do I need to tell you what happens when you miss the Statute of Limitations, and he files before you? Walla! You bad girl! How dare you send the poor man out to earn his bread and butter, after he has been the SAHD all this time, oh dear, what are you thinking? Suddenly, you find yourself at the DEFENDANT'S table).

 

Ok, I got to shut it, hon. I'm on parole. Yas