jay1983 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I have this friend of mine who is in love with this guy. She's been talking about him for a couple of months now, asking why he only calls late at night and sometimes doesn't text back, is he afraid of commitment yada yada. She's always asking what can she do to make him her's, should she play hard to get, change her hair ect. Well a couple of weeks we were chilling at the apt (our circle of friends) and he came over. I finally met him, he was a really good looking dude. He said hi to everybody, then she and he took off to a bar or something. This sunday I go over to the apt and I ask what up with my friend. They said she's really upset, crying, she was suppose to go out with homeboy and he cancelled on her with a crappy excuse. Well it's obvious, dude has other girls, or a girlfriend and some of our other friends told her that. First she got angry, "y'all don't know that" then started ranting "why does this happen to me". My friend is not a bad looking girl, but really just average, homeboy looks like he gets a lot of chicks. Should I explain to her that she's not a physically perfect match for him? She really doesn't seem to get it and although everybody talks about it when she's not around, nobody has the balls to tell her. If I do will it help her in the future, or should I just mind my own?
MidwestUSA Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 That's a tough one, sorry to hear. Is there any way you can drop the onus back on him in her eyes - you know, let her know he's a player, or just after booty calls, or likes to juggle women? Or would that stretch the truth too much? I know, even if true, she would still want him. She's really likely to get pumped and dumped if she chases him and he's so inclined. It's good that you want to help avoid that, just not sure of a PC way to do it. Look forward to some other replies. Good luck.
CC12 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Should I explain to her that she's not a physically perfect match for him? So you're considering telling her that she's too ugly for him? Surely you'd phrase it in a more sensitive manner, but the message would be the same and she'd know exactly what you mean. There is no reason at all to be so unkind to your friend. And if "everyone talks about it when she's not around" then you're all being jerks. Besides, you don't know what the guy's tastes in women are. Maybe he likes average girls or doesn't care about looks. It's not your place to diagnose their relationship problems, especially when it would be such an unnecessary, devastating blow to her self-esteem. And if the guy is treating her poorly, why wouldn't you tell her that she doesn't deserve that treatment instead of implying that she's too ugly to have a good-looking man be nice to her? 4
Author jay1983 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 That's a tough one, sorry to hear. Is there any way you can drop the onus back on him in her eyes - you know, let her know he's a player, or just after booty calls, or likes to juggle women? Or would that stretch the truth too much? I know, even if true, she would still want him. She's really likely to get pumped and dumped if she chases him and he's so inclined. It's good that you want to help avoid that, just not sure of a PC way to do it. Look forward to some other replies. Good luck. The girls have been telling her that he's a player and all that. They're are her roommates and know a lot more than I do. Their are more details they've mentioned, but I didn't want to make the story too long. It's just like you say, she still wants him. I don't know if she doesn't want to believe it without proof, or knows it's true and wants him to change.
aussietigerwolf Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 some "friends"... this guy sounds like a player just after booty calls and the idea is to tell her she's not worthy of him? dude... seriously, HE's not worthy of HER. 3
Diabloterr Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I think the bigger problem is your friend is attracted to a guy that will not be there for her in the long run. You have to be honest with your friends, the guy is a player and is honestly not worth her time.
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I have seen some really plain looking men with beautiful girlfriends i have seen plain women with guys that turn heads i had the delight of being in a relationship with a guy who was not only a head turner and an awesome dancer but a truly good person as well....which made being with him fond memories that inspire me to look past how a person looks and discover who they really are....that includes a height thing, weight thing whatever thing...its a llama thing... she doesn't deserve a guy who plays up on her and treats her badly, i would not bring the looks into the discussion at all, I dont think in the long run they count for much or i would have never had a boyfriend or a relationship, i have had more than one, if people chose me on my looks i would never be chosen I often am chosen.....your friend might be a girl of value and find a really good looking guy one day who sees her value because he is of value himself.. but this guy is of no value to her, if you so choose to be a true friend, i would concentrate on the fact she could do a lot better than him because she needs someone who has the same values as she, not a dick in other words......best wishes....deb
InnocentMan Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Stay out of it bro. Let her female friends deal with it. People rarely thank the messenger in these scenarios. Your job as the male friend is to cheer her up and boost her ego after the inevitable dumping. You may even get some rebound action if you play it right. Just saying. 3
preraph Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Of course you shouldn't! The guy is attracted to her or he wouldn't be coming over and stuff. Someone does need to enlighten her that just because a guy is dating doesn't mean he's looking for commitment though and that it's too early to expect it from this guy anyway but at some time in the future she could take that up with him. Women nearly always want commitment right away and it's fine if they decide they don't want to date unless it's exclusive, but usually all that gets them is a guy going behind their backs. Because if a guy is dating around as long as he's honest about it (but not throwing it in their faces), that's fine for him. A lot of women can't deal with it though and I was pretty much one of them. My thought was if I didn't have their full attention, then it wasn't the right person.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 What either of them look like isn't the issue. Do not think that if she was more beautiful that he'd be any less of a jerk. Players are players. They like the game & the action. Looks aren't all that important. Continue to reinforce that she needs self respect not a new haircut. Also remind her that he's a player & she should listen to her friends because this guy isn't going to change.
Author jay1983 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 some "friends"... this guy sounds like a player just after booty calls and the idea is to tell her she's not worthy of him? dude... seriously, HE's not worthy of HER. This isn't a talk behind someone's back kind of thing. I think they're sick of listening to her talk, rant and cry about him, so they're gonna get away from her and let some things off the chest. It's annoying me too and I'm only there once or twice a week, I can't imagine living there.
Author jay1983 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 What either of them look like isn't the issue. Do not think that if she was more beautiful that he'd be any less of a jerk. Players are players. They like the game & the action. Looks aren't all that important. Yes looks are an issue, if he didn't look the way he doesn't does, none of this would be happening.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Yes looks are an issue, if he didn't look the way he doesn't does, none of this would be happening. If he didn't look the way he does she might not be panting after him as much but the fact that she looks a certain way doesn't change the fact that he's a player. Even if she was the most beautiful woman in the world he would still be untrustworthy. You want to make it about her looks. You want to tell her that she's not getting this guy because she's not pretty enough. The way she looks have nothing to do with this. Her willingness to let this guy use her is the issue.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I have this friend of mine who is in love with this guy. She's been talking about him for a couple of months now, asking why he only calls late at night and sometimes doesn't text back, is he afraid of commitment yada yada. She's always asking what can she do to make him her's, should she play hard to get, change her hair ect. Well a couple of weeks we were chilling at the apt (our circle of friends) and he came over. I finally met him, he was a really good looking dude. He said hi to everybody, then she and he took off to a bar or something. This sunday I go over to the apt and I ask what up with my friend. They said she's really upset, crying, she was suppose to go out with homeboy and he cancelled on her with a crappy excuse. Well it's obvious, dude has other girls, or a girlfriend and some of our other friends told her that. First she got angry, "y'all don't know that" then started ranting "why does this happen to me". My friend is not a bad looking girl, but really just average, homeboy looks like he gets a lot of chicks. Should I explain to her that she's not a physically perfect match for him? She really doesn't seem to get it and although everybody talks about it when she's not around, nobody has the balls to tell her. If I do will it help her in the future, or should I just mind my own? The guy is an A.SSHOLE and a player! It has nothing to do with her being out of his league or how she looks. She is better than him. She's kind and has a good heart, he doesn't deserve her. This is all HIS loss, not hers. Just be supportive and be a friend to her. Don't be mean and tell her he's out of her league. 1
Author jay1983 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 I'm not gonna tell her anything. Everybody's already told her he's only wants sex, he sees other girls blah blah blah, not once or twice, but they tell that all the time. I'm not gonna tell her that as it's not working for whatever reason.
gaius Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I'm all for telling the hard truth but people do end up physically mismatched sometimes and still very much in love. So it might not be the truth in this case. Feel free to mention he's probably seeing other women though.
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