purplesorrow Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 There are moments that I still can't believe this all happened. That my friend betrayed me. He threw us away for nothing. That I'm getting a divorce, that my baby will now live in 2 homes. My heart is so broken. I have asked myself a million times if I could try to reconcile. Will I regret getting divorced? When I look at him, it's like looking at a stranger. I feel indifferent to him. I loved him for so many years, it feels foreign to decide not to any more. He has changed a lot over the last year and half as have I. He has been awakened to all the good that he had with us. I have been awakened to a side of him I never knew existed. I can appreciate the positive changes he has made, but I can't unlearn what I know. He is fighting so hard to save us. I have no fight left. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me and I still can't catch my breath. Neither choice is easy, both come with it's own set of problems and heartache. I guess I'm just venting, please send good thoughts my way. Purple 7
billy baru Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 purple, I know what you're going through, it's tough to make that decision to stop loving them after them deliberately betraying their vows. I will be doing the same as you in the next few weeks. My thoughts are with you. BB 2
Hope Shimmers Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I wish you only the best purple. You and your situation have been on my mind. I'm just a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you or your H, but I just can't kick this feeling that you will be making a mistake if you file. Please forgive me for saying that, as I know I'm in no position to have any clue what's in your head and heart. It's just a feeling. 2
Author purplesorrow Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 I wish you only the best purple. You and your situation have been on my mind. I'm just a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you or your H, but I just can't kick this feeling that you will be making a mistake if you file. Please forgive me for saying that, as I know I'm in no position to have any clue what's in your head and heart. It's just a feeling. I can't say that I haven't had that feeling myself! But how can you really know? Will I feel different in another year? Who knows, but I can't ask him to put his life on hold any longer. People are unpredictable. It is just an awful situation. Who knows, maybe I won't be able to go through with it tomorrow. But if I don't, how do I love him again and work through all of this misery? What is the first step? How do you even begin to mend a relationship after such a betrayal? I truly appreciate your honesty. And just so you know, my head and heart are still at war. @Billy, thank you for your kind words. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of a spouse who has no remorse. My thoughts are with you and your kids. To brighter days ahead for all of us on these boards. Purple 1
sweet_pea Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Sending you lots of love and hugs, Purple. We are here for you!!! 1
Furious Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 There are moments that I still can't believe this all happened. That my friend betrayed me. He threw us away for nothing. That I'm getting a divorce, that my baby will now live in 2 homes. My heart is so broken. I have asked myself a million times if I could try to reconcile. Will I regret getting divorced? When I look at him, it's like looking at a stranger. I feel indifferent to him. I loved him for so many years, it feels foreign to decide not to any more. He has changed a lot over the last year and half as have I. He has been awakened to all the good that he had with us. I have been awakened to a side of him I never knew existed. I can appreciate the positive changes he has made, but I can't unlearn what I know. He is fighting so hard to save us. I have no fight left. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me and I still can't catch my breath. Neither choice is easy, both come with it's own set of problems and heartache. I guess I'm just venting, please send good thoughts my way. Purple Sending you my warmest good thoughts your way. it takes great courage to either choose to divorce or attempt reconciliation. Either way is not easy. It's a like a death, in a way, and a period of mourning of what was and could have been that will take time to heal from. Only you know what is best for you, and I'm sure you did not make this decision lightly. Trust your inner voice, it's usually the best voice you'll ever hear. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I can't say that I haven't had that feeling myself! But how can you really know? Will I feel different in another year? Who knows, but I can't ask him to put his life on hold any longer. People are unpredictable. It is just an awful situation. Who knows, maybe I won't be able to go through with it tomorrow. But if I don't, how do I love him again and work through all of this misery? What is the first step? How do you even begin to mend a relationship after such a betrayal? I truly appreciate your honesty. And just so you know, my head and heart are still at war. Purple I guess it is my hope that if your head and heart are still at war, maybe you can postpone it until you're sure. I know that only you can know if that will only prolong things (which I guess will be your answer). I don't have answers as to how to mend after a betrayal, other than to see others here who have done it. I know it doesn't always work and it depends on the individual situation. I know you have been separated for a year so your kids are already doing the back-and-forth thing, but I will say that the one real regret I have about my divorce was just how downright HARD that is. It's not un-doable, and my kids are doing more than okay, but it is not easy. For the longest time after the divorce and in dealing with the details of how to co-parent in two separate residences, details of custody, how to arrive at decisions, etc, I felt like I was dealing with him and butting heads with him even more often than I did when we were married. I'm not trying to depress you - just give you my experiences if it helps. As I said, ultimately it has worked out, just not optimal. Whatever you decide - peace to you. You are truly someone who I have had a hard time forgetting, you have so much self-awareness and insight into your situation and for your H. 2
Snowflower Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I wish you only the best purple. You and your situation have been on my mind. I'm just a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you or your H, but I just can't kick this feeling that you will be making a mistake if you file. Please forgive me for saying that, as I know I'm in no position to have any clue what's in your head and heart. It's just a feeling. This is just such a nice post! Purple, I'm thinking good thoughts for you. None of this stuff is easy. Does he know you're filing very soon? Or will he be surprised at work or something? 1
Author purplesorrow Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 @Hope we haven't had any back and forth, he visits her at our home and puts her to bed every night. I do worry a lot about that change. Thank you for your kind words. I like reading your post. @Snow, he knows. I wouldn't have him served at work or anything like that. Just not my style. I more of a do no harm but take no shyt kinda gal . He doesn't want it but trying to be supportive to me. He says he'll keep trying even after the divorce. Maybe the moment of truth will bring a different kind of clarity?
Speakingofwhich Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 purplesorrow, it's natural to feel the way you do until you can heal. Twenty-seven years ago I was D. It was a mistake. I believe he knows it and I do, too. We could have worked through the problems (infidelity) back then but we were both too proud and thought things would be easier to legally undo what we thought had emotionally and spiritually been undone. The journey has been horrendous since and the intense feelings we had for each other never died (though we both have had periods of numbness toward the other from time to time.) They just took a pathway of expression by filtering through other emotions. Our children suffered greatly because of this. He has remarried twice and now says it was a mistake. But, he ruined other lives in the process. Not just the women he married but by bringing another child into the world he complicated the lives of my children who have never fully accepted the child. Wisely, I have not remarried. But, it was a very difficult pathway being a single mom. I'm not saying your experience will be the same as mine has been. I'm just letting you know that after you D things are not always as you'd imagined they'd be. Especially if the feelings between the two of you were intense at one time. If you have loved him as you say you have and he's remorseful and working so hard to make changes, I encourage you to reconsider going through with your D tomorrow. Whatever your decision I wish you peace and a good life to follow. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you very much for sharing your story. I know I am the blockade to reconciliation. I just don't know that I have the strength to do it right.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 @Hope we haven't had any back and forth, he visits her at our home and puts her to bed every night. I do worry a lot about that change. Thank you for your kind words. I like reading your post. @Snow, he knows. I wouldn't have him served at work or anything like that. Just not my style. I more of a do no harm but take no shyt kinda gal . He doesn't want it but trying to be supportive to me. He says he'll keep trying even after the divorce. Maybe the moment of truth will bring a different kind of clarity? Hey, if in 5 years you two reconnect you could always get married again. Hugs to you. Whatever happens, put your children first and be great co parents with respect for one another. Just because as husband and wife it didn't work out, doesn't mean you two can't be amazing co parents together. Even just as friends. Anything can happen. Though, with that said, if you're 'done' and can't ever see yourself getting past what he did, that's okay too. Some cannot forgive and forget. Not all are willing to stick it out nor want to. Do family counseling to help with the adjustments and changes. 2
Trimmer Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you very much for sharing your story. I know I am the blockade to reconciliation. I just don't know that I have the strength to do it right. ...and you have the right to make that choice. I'm a little sad that you seem to be taking the burden on your shoulders by calling yourself the "blockade" to reconciliation. He broke the relationship - a precious thing - in a thoughtless, brutal, and spectacular way. You get to decide what your next step is, no apologies. 6
tornapart2002 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you very much for sharing your story. I know I am the blockade to reconciliation. I just don't know that I have the strength to do it right. I don't have the strength. Not on my own. I have to rely on God. I know, I know...sounds like a crutch, but it's more of a support. Things have happened during R I never thought would happen. I've doubted there is a God but then changes have happened in my WH I never, ever thought I'd see and I think ... OK..something bigger is at play here. I don't get it. Not at all, but I'm going to try to continue in faith and see what happens. My love for him is there still. What we had in the beginning is still there. He wants this, I want it. Let's see what we can do together. I've relied on a lot of resources from Marriage Today, which is founded by a couple who went through major issues...he cheated on her two weeks before their wedding. Obviously they didn't get married right away. he was immediately remorseful (also about 19 years old and screwed up) and a path to healing started for them both. He is a pastor now and speaker but I never get the feeling from him that he is one of those fake TV pastors. He's very real...they do ask for support from time to time so I send them $15 every once in awhile and still get all the resources they send to anyone else. They honestly seem to appreciate any support they receive and are a fairly small ministry, dedicated to helping marriages survive. My husband says their resources have helped him immensely .. knowing how to communicate better and what he needs to do as a husband and me as a wife. All that said...this is your journey, not mine. Just thought I'd share a little of mine and that there have been days I wish I could be strong like you and just tell him to get away from me and our son. But seeing him change has made all the difference. if I didn't see that then this R would be absolutely over. Make sure you know what you are doing is right...that you feel in your heart it is. Yes, it sounds cliche and it is ... but listen to your heart. It's all you can do. 3
gettingstronger Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Thinking of you today and hoping you are doing well. I'm sorry you are hurting. I have no words of wisdom for you, just good thoughts coming your way. 5
Author purplesorrow Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thank you all for your support. At the moment I am at peace. I feel like I am catching my breath. I still have 90 days to stop everything if I have a change of heart and mind. I hope we are all able to move forward healthy happy and with much peace. 8
violet1 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Purple, I want you to know I'm thinking about you. I'm wondering if getting a divorce is a way for you to regain your power back. A way for you to take a stand and prove that infidelity is an ultimate deal breaker and you won't put up with it. I don't think that's a bad thing. Getting divorced doesn't mean it's the end with your stbxh. It means it's the end to the old M. Look at DKT3, he and his W are reconnecting after their D. Anything is possible my dear. If you're not sure that you can handle R than I find it very admirable that you are letting him go. There are some BS's who only stay because they're settling and their heart is not 100% in the R. Or some stay and punish their WS for many years down the road. You seem like such a class act. I have nothing but respect for you and I wish you peace, love and happiness in your life. 1
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