Brink007 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) Sorry this is long, but it would mean the world to me to get some good advice. I don't know where else to turn. I met this girl a little over a month ago at a concert and we hit it off instantly. The more we talked the more we realized we had EVERYTHING in common. It's actually pretty scary. We are the same person. We were a little drunk and she came back to my house to spend the night. We didn't have sex because she said she isn't like that but we made out a lot and had an awesome time. I asked her on a date a few days later and since then we have gone on 8 dates, hanging out 2-3 times per week. Each time I feel like we get closer and closer. We can have real conversations and just enjoy each other's company. It usually ends with an hour or so of cuddling and making out. On like the 4th date she said "quality guys are really hard to find these days" all the while pointing at me. I made a move to have sex but she said "it's not happening, I barely know you." She went on to say "I can't stop you from doing it with someone else." I reassured her that it seriously offended me to hear her say that because I would never do that while talking to someone. I get the feeling she MIGHT be a virgin, but I have no idea. Now here comes the big problem... She has never been in a real relationship in her life, and she's 24 (I'm 25). She said she "kinda dated" a guy for 8 months once. We got a little drunk on the 7th date, she spent the night again, and I brought up whether or not I should tell my friends that we're dating. She said she doesn't like getting attached, and that going on more than a few dates with me means a lot.. She said "normally when someone shows interest, I exit." I didn't know how to take that and told her I didn't want to end up developing stronger feelings for her just for her to get scared of the commitment and run away. I hinted towards an ultimatum but never gave her one. I said "I hope you don't give up on us, and 5 years down the road look back to regret it." She responded with "yeah I would hate myself." She agreed that since we have gone on dates that we are technically dating. She said the main problem was she doesn't like change and doesn't want to lose her independence. I told her that in a healthy relationship, with no smothering and neediness, independence is not lost. She said she has never been good at talking about her feelings. I am falling head over heels in love with this girl. I've only been in a few relationships myself, some good, some bad, but I know a connection like this is very VERY rare. I know she likes me because she always hints towards us doing something "the next time we hang out," and we always connect on a different level it seems. The last time we hung out (Sunday) something seemed a little different. She wasn't as "all over me" as she normally is. We still had a good time, but it wasn't quite the same. I told her I had work conflicts Monday and Tuesday so we could hang out Wednesday if she wants, and she said "lets do Wednesday because I'm going home over the weekend for fathers day." So she's still wanting to continue hanging out even after our talk. In between each date though, I am a wreck.. I can't let her know for fear of her getting scared, but I dream about her almost every night, and would give anything in the world to know what's truly going on in her head. We rarely text because we established in the beginning neither of us like to get smothered with texts all day, so all I'm doing is thinking about her and where we are heading every second of every day. I'm thinking of giving her an ultimatum but I feel like it's a horrible idea. I just need to know if she truly wants to be with me and whether or not she sees a serious relationship in the future. Not being with her just seems wrong. It's hard to explain... If someone with some more experience could give me ANY advice at all, I would greatly greatly appreciate it. This girl is everything to me... Thank you so much. Edited June 11, 2014 by Brink007
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 This is what it sounds like to me OP she's inexperienced, she's scared and ahe isn't know what to do She has possibly been rejected over and over or hurt over and over with "almost " but " not quite " relationships. Perhaps she's been used for physical purposes? Who knows, perhaps she's finally got her life the way she wants it and didn't expect you to come on the scene. Any way, she's seems like not use to guys liking her perhaps and is trying to push you away because she's not sure how to handle a man that's into her. Maybe she's really insecure. People like her need a counsellor not a reassuring man, because some woman will push you more and more the closer you get. I'm not sure what you're going to do about it, i suggest sitting her down and getting her to open up in safe environment. And ask her questions about her past. It could be that she thinks all men are *******s and is deeply surprised that you don't fit that mould of what she may have become accustomed to.
Frank2thepoint Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I'm sorry to break it to you. She will never want a relationship. Obviously not with you, probably not with anyone. She said it herself, she doesn't like getting attached. That's a huge, blaring klaxon signifying this girl will continue being independent, with no regard for your feelings. If you get attached, and begin complaining that she needs to invest more into you, she will easily turn on you and say "well I told you from the beginning I don't like to get attached". You will only hurt, and you will resent her for no legitimate reason. I understand you have feelings for her, you feel this great bond with her, but she will never reciprocate completely. Let her go bro. Move on, walk hard, and find a woman that will reciprocate equally.
Author Brink007 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) She said she does want to get married some day though. I can't let her go man.. It sucks. I will do anything.. But I agree. I can't go on being in the dark like this for much longer. Would an ultimatum be a terrible idea? Then at least I could walk away knowing FOR SURE she could handle not ever seeing me again. Or should I simply tell her I can't se her anymore because I'm falling for her too much.. to see how she reacts? Edited June 11, 2014 by Brink007
morrowrd Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Girls are not generic, so neither is the advice. With that said, I am going to highlight a few things to focus on here, maybe it will help you. This girl likes you, otherwise you wouldn't be hanging out with her 3 times per week. She is giving you female affection, and she is letting you know that as long as you maintain this status quo, the relationship will continue. My guess is if you are patient, and I emphasize that word, you will be rewarded. She has boundaries in place for a reason, and you even considering ultimatums makes me wonder if you have it in you to "wait and see" where this could lead. In this day and age, especially since internet dating, people expect microwave relationships. 7 dates, yeah that's enough to know you would think whether or not you're boyfriend material, but as I said, girls are all different. PEOPLE are all different. Behaviors, thinking patterns, life systems, all are developed based on each person's unique past. So for advice, I would follow her lead, let her feel safe. Safe that you aren't going to pressure her, safe that you are going to be there to listen to her, safe that you aren't going to rock the boat and allow her to get to know you to the level where she feels safe to give you more commitment. Honestly, it's either that or the highway. Pick a side, and take the rewards or consequences like a man. Ultimatums are nothing but tantrums, acting out because you aren't getting your way. Get rid of that habit, fast.
Author Brink007 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Girls are not generic, so neither is the advice. With that said, I am going to highlight a few things to focus on here, maybe it will help you. This girl likes you, otherwise you wouldn't be hanging out with her 3 times per week. She is giving you female affection, and she is letting you know that as long as you maintain this status quo, the relationship will continue. My guess is if you are patient, and I emphasize that word, you will be rewarded. She has boundaries in place for a reason, and you even considering ultimatums makes me wonder if you have it in you to "wait and see" where this could lead. In this day and age, especially since internet dating, people expect microwave relationships. 7 dates, yeah that's enough to know you would think whether or not you're boyfriend material, but as I said, girls are all different. PEOPLE are all different. Behaviors, thinking patterns, life systems, all are developed based on each person's unique past. So for advice, I would follow her lead, let her feel safe. Safe that you aren't going to pressure her, safe that you are going to be there to listen to her, safe that you aren't going to rock the boat and allow her to get to know you to the level where she feels safe to give you more commitment. Honestly, it's either that or the highway. Pick a side, and take the rewards or consequences like a man. Ultimatums are nothing but tantrums, acting out because you aren't getting your way. Get rid of that habit, fast. I needed that. Thank you. I 100% agree with everything you said. I always expect the worst when presented with the possibility of the best. It will kill me but I owe it to myself and her to give it time...
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Honey all it is, is that she's scared. People tend to be a bit tentative if they're not use to good guys. I agree with the above, if you give her an ultimatum, you'll just confirm that idea in her head that all guys are jerks. Be patient with her and get her to trust you, over time she'll open up to you. You wont have an instant relationship and even if you do, you may not have her ready to be vulnerable for some months and possibly sex you might not experience with her for some months after that, perhaps even a year depending how much time she needs. If she is a girl that you don't want to see her leave, you need to talk to her, give her breathing space and let her know that you are a good guy with pure motives that has her best interests at heart. Let her know that you don't judge her if she doesn't have much experience and let her know that you're intentions are not to hurt her. It's important that you don't have to high an exportation. If anything, you just need to be as patient and supportive as you can. She may try and push you away time and time again, but that's just fear. I've been there all myself before. I used the word " independence" as a word for not getting close to someone, because the idea was too frightening. Someone with more experience can get into relationships rather quickly and rather deeply, people with less need more time and more space and more understanding. Be that good guy that she thought didn't exist Good luck!
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