waterwoman Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 HB over. Reconciliation completed - as far as I can tell. But I don't care. I just feel I have switched off. I don't care. I am not unhappy, just indifferent. What it seems like is I have been so emotionally battered over the last 2 years that I've grown scar tissue. I can't feel anything. I am finally getting myself together. Losing weight, taking care of my appearance again. But not sure who I am doing it for. I don't think it's for H. Thing is I get the impression H is feeling the same - tired and battered. But he won't talk to me about it. And I have done too much talking. Too much crying. We are just circling round each other like wary dogs who've had one too many fights. And I can honestly say if some lovely man appeared in my life and was prepared to love me, admire me and give me some of his passion and energy, I'd be putty in his hands. I want to be soothed and healed. That isn't good is it? 3
carhill Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 IMO, life is a journey. What you feel today may be tomorrow's memory of what was. If you and H have each chosen to work through this and remain a team, well, that's your mission. Life certainly isn't a picnic that ends well, though some days are pretty darned nice. Cherish those. 2
drifter777 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 HB over. Reconciliation completed - as far as I can tell. But I don't care. I just feel I have switched off. I don't care. I am not unhappy, just indifferent. What it seems like is I have been so emotionally battered over the last 2 years that I've grown scar tissue. I can't feel anything. I am finally getting myself together. Losing weight, taking care of my appearance again. But not sure who I am doing it for. I don't think it's for H. Thing is I get the impression H is feeling the same - tired and battered. But he won't talk to me about it. And I have done too much talking. Too much crying. We are just circling round each other like wary dogs who've had one too many fights. And I can honestly say if some lovely man appeared in my life and was prepared to love me, admire me and give me some of his passion and energy, I'd be putty in his hands. I want to be soothed and healed. That isn't good is it? When one spouse gets to the point you are at most BS's would advise them to confront their spouse and lay cards on the table. We would nearly always say that this is a much better course of action than cheating. Maybe its time you call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. It sounds like it would be the right thing for both of you. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 It's not terrible. It's seems normal to me. My last hurdle was resentment, that this had even happened to us. I too daydreamed of a sweet kind man who would never cheat on me and I TOLD him so. be honest about what you feel. 5
Owl Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 HB over. Reconciliation completed - as far as I can tell. But I don't care. I just feel I have switched off. I don't care. I am not unhappy, just indifferent. What it seems like is I have been so emotionally battered over the last 2 years that I've grown scar tissue. I can't feel anything. I am finally getting myself together. Losing weight, taking care of my appearance again. But not sure who I am doing it for. I don't think it's for H. Thing is I get the impression H is feeling the same - tired and battered. But he won't talk to me about it. And I have done too much talking. Too much crying. We are just circling round each other like wary dogs who've had one too many fights. And I can honestly say if some lovely man appeared in my life and was prepared to love me, admire me and give me some of his passion and energy, I'd be putty in his hands. I want to be soothed and healed. That isn't good is it? Reconciliation isn't completed. Not if you're feeling like this. Drifter's got it right again. Do something about it. Either fix the relationship, or end it. 2
toolforgrowth Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You just described why I didn't choose to R with my xWW. I know the HB between her and I would have literally been hysterical had I allowed it to happen, but what then? What happens after that? I'd still be left with someone who cheated on me, someone I could never be secure with, and truthfully, someone I don't think I could actually love with all my heart anymore. In no way am I criticizing your decision to R. I can just totally empathize with how you feel. Because while a part of me will always love my xWW, I also know that if she ever approached me and said she really wanted to R and would do anything necessary, that in spite of all that, I would always be on the lookout for someone new. Someone that truly loved me for me and would only want me. Someone who would never put me through what the xWW put me through. On the flip side, you've experienced the high of HB. Now, the pendulum is swinging in the opposite direction. Plus, you've experienced the power of knowing your H can experience that passion with you again, which can be both a blessing and a curse. I'd give it a little bit more time to allow things to even out. You've come this far, and you never know how you may feel tomorrow. 2
gettingstronger Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I am sorry you are having such a hard time- I agree with the others-tell your husband how you are feeling- I know I have periods when I am like, ya know, you suck and I am not in the mood to be with you and I am not even sure I want to be married to you- We talk about it and he agrees- he knows what he did was horrible and he knows it will take a lot for us to make it for the long haul- We are 16 months out- still HB, still hanging out a lot together and really having fun but it bubbles from down low and he knows I am not interested in being hurt forever so reconciliation although going really well, is not a given- He and I are worth the chance we are taking at giving this a fighting chance though- 2
Author waterwoman Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thanks for your replies. I think it was my black dog talking last night. I am settling down after coming off my meds and I do have bad patches. But there is also a litltle part of me that comes to the fore at such times and I look at our relationshhip and wonder if it really is good enough. Affair or no affair. H is also very aware of my depression and it affects him too. I am just going to try and have a good summer, enjoy my family, enjoy the sunshine (ha! <bitter laugh>), be gentle with myself and H, and see if I can get a different perspective. I can't deal with any more conflict or emotional turmoil as things stand. My soul is tired. 2
hillybilly45 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Dear waterwoman...I know how you feel...I cheated...I never meant to...I know every cheater must be saying the same thing but thus it was...my marriage is beyond saving, my affair partner has disappeared, I have lost my job, my kid does not know, it would devastate her if she found out, my husband does not care, I cannot share this shameful act even with my closest friend, even in this forum I have had harsh judgement passed on me...I guess I deserved it...my life is a hollow shell ...I keep wishing I were dead...this is a grave I have dug for myself and in it must I lie....But my partner...equal in his contribution to this affair...thrives! He's found a single, younger, beautiful attractive woman who adores him and whom he indulges...they are getting married soon! I envy those who are alien to the emotions of guilt or remorse... 1
Spectre Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) I had a hard time making any sense of your post. I don't see how you could start off saying how your reconciliation is complete and then go on to talk about how detached you are and how essentially you'd bang a dude if he showed you any attention. I don't know how else to take the "putty in his hands" comment other then it meaning you'd be totally up for some sex. That..is the total opposite of reconciliation. Look, I get it..you were cheated on. I'd of kicked the guy to the curb, but the thing is..you haven't. You decided you wanted to work on it, so yeah..it really isn't good that you say you'd be putty in another man's hands. I would ask why you are bothering with reconciliation at all if you are looking to be "soothed and healed" by another man. I find cheaters horrible, but on the other hand I think your H deserves to know how detached you feel and how you'd be "putty in another man's hand" if said man played his cards right with you. I see red flags, you talk about losing weight, etc. and all around looking better and how you aren't doing it for your H. That is fair, it would make more sense if you were just doing it to make YOU feel better. However, that combined with your comment about being putty in another mans hands and I worry maybe if a part of you is doing it to attract someone else? I get you also said something about coming off meds and how you have bad patches, which is fine but your feelings seem a lot more significant then a mere bad patch, I don't think you can say you are reconciled at all. You guys don't talk, that is what you said. Your H won't talk to you and you are too tired and detached to talk and you talk about wanting another man to heal you. That sounds like a relationship heading for divorce not reconciliation. I think you need to think long and hard, at the end of the day..do you still want to be with your husband? At the end of the day, if some attractive man did come up and make you feel attractive and all that, can you say with 100% certainty you would not allow anything to happen? Not even a kiss? If you can't answer yes to both those questions then I think you need to realize what that means. Edited June 14, 2014 by Spectre 1
Spark1111 Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 and I think sometimes....just sometimes...our soul needs a break! give yourself a break! married, divorced, with FWS, without, the future, can we trust, can we not? the kids, the job, the fam, etc? I'm tired just typing it.... Take a break from it all! Nourish your soul, feed yourself first! I took LS breaks, Reconciliation breaks, family and friend breaks, work breaks.... Health is about balance! when we are balanced we can find the strength to tackle these big issues. And until we find balance, go to the beach, enjoy your summer, find happiness. Everything else can wait until you are ready to tackle it!
HereNorThere Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 The part about being putty in someone's hands wasn't terrible, just the rest of it. I can't imagine living in a situation like that and my heart really goes out to you. You obviously need a break from your normal routine and maybe a little hedonism. Maybe you can find an outlet that doesn't involve sleeping with a guy who would sleep with a married woman. Get drunk and break into an amusement park, steal a cop car, eat at McDonalds. Have some fun, adventurous experiences that don't involve relationships, break the cycle. Lol, but me, I'd leave. No way I'm staying in a situation like that, but that's me. What's the cat situation looking like at your house? Maybe you need a cat? 1
dichotomy Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) HB over. Reconciliation completed - as far as I can tell. But I don't care. I just feel I have switched off. I don't care. I am not unhappy, just indifferent. What it seems like is I have been so emotionally battered over the last 2 years that I've grown scar tissue. I can't feel anything. I am finally getting myself together. Losing weight, taking care of my appearance again. But not sure who I am doing it for. I don't think it's for H. Thing is I get the impression H is feeling the same - tired and battered. But he won't talk to me about it. And I have done too much talking. Too much crying. We are just circling round each other like wary dogs who've had one too many fights. And I can honestly say if some lovely man appeared in my life and was prepared to love me, admire me and give me some of his passion and energy, I'd be putty in his hands. I want to be soothed and healed. That isn't good is it? Its okay waterwoman - these feelings happen sometimes. Some of us understand them, because we have been there. Your not alone with going through these moods or thoughts. Hang in there. Edited June 14, 2014 by dichotomy 2
Author waterwoman Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks everyone. spectre - I am curious. Would you be less upset with me if I told you I was feeling so depressed I was considering suicide than if I had said I was so depressed I was considering an affair? BTW I am doing neither of those things but I just wondered... I have 2 cats - two little black toms. And a dog. My cats' continuing disdain for the human condition is a good object lesson in learning not to take things seriously . My dog's constant affection and loyalty is in stark contrast but both of them help. H had a bad day yesterday. It was Fathers Day here and kids and I took H out for the day but he was fairly miserable. Turned out he was thinking of his dad who died 18 yrs ago. Some things leave such a scar they don't heal. I feel bad that I forgot. We are beginning to talk more.
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