paloma22 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) So I met an Australian guy online who was in my Canadian city for a 6month temporary work term. We went on several dates before I had to move cities for my own temporary work term (we are both in healthcare). From the day I moved (6 weeks ago), we maintained daily communication via text / phone, and 3 weeks after leaving, he came to visit me. The weekend was great, and we even had high level hypothetical discussions of "what ifs" of me moving to Aus (he had just bought a house). We planned for me to visit him this past weekend, when I was already down for an event in my former (his current) city. All along I knew he was moving back to Australia in July, but our chemistry was so strong that I kept up the communication. Hes also a bit (7 years) older than me (27) and I generally felt that he wouldnt invest the time/energy unless he saw some potential and I felt the same. In previous relationships, I have been cheated on and have had serious trust issues especially with checking phones. While we never had a conversation about being exclusive (it was pointless), when I was staying at his place this past weekend, I would check his phone when he was in the shower and notice a girls name. To make a long story very short, he kept saying how crazy it was to like someone so much, in such a short period of time. But this was before all hell broke lose. The day before I left (our *last* day together) I was very on edge and emotional. I ended up memorizing the pattern of his phone PW and accused him of changing it on me, then I got really offended and teary when he made a comment to me about me not "having to babysit him" at a show we went to with some of my friends. Although he had never come right out and said it, in bed Sunday night he told me that "he had thought about it and I was right, we probably will not see eachother again" despite our discussions about possible visiting when we both had time off in December. I ended up crying that night, and showed a lot of vulnerability and emotion which was the opposite to what he had previously seen; a strong independant non needy woman. I feel ashamed and keep blaming myself for acting like this. Monday morning I was up early to catch my flight and kissed him goodbye. He texted to make sure I had arrived safely and sent a funny video, but we havent communicated in 24 hours, which is the most since I left 6 weeks ago. I realize he probably doesnt wantto lead me on anymore, and perhaps I freaked him out a bit or he saw a bad side of me, but I still have a glimmer of hope that we may maintain some kind of contact. I'm not sure he feels the same anymore, despite him saying he did prior to this weekends events. I miss him, but it seems like an impossible waste of energy. I apologize for this long winded rant but does anybody know how to go about the next steps of this 'relationship'? Do I wait to see what he does, or just let it fizzle? I feel like I ruined something that was so amazing. Even if it had no future, I seem to have destroyed the amazing impression he had of my character, and probably extinguish any desire for him to stay in contact... Is this his version of the end? I dont want it to be. Edited June 10, 2014 by paloma22
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 You checked his phone, then accused him of changing the password? He not only has the right to change his dang password if he suspected you were snooping, he also has every right to be peeved about it. I wouldn't be ok with that, either. That does not show the character of a non-needy woman in any sense. It shows a jealous, insecure woman who does not respect boundaries. Your prior issues are your issues. It is really unfair to project those on to him, and he apparently feels the same way. Having said that, I would give some time to let the dust settle. Have you totally blown it? Maybe. But maybe after a cooling-off period he will get back in touch. What you can learn from all of this is to get to the root of your trust issues and insecurity, and work on that before you enter into any relationship. That type of behaviour can kill attraction quickly.
Author paloma22 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 You checked his phone, then accused him of changing the password? He not only has the right to change his dang password if he suspected you were snooping, he also has every right to be peeved about it. I wouldn't be ok with that, either. That does not show the character of a non-needy woman in any sense. It shows a jealous, insecure woman who does not respect boundaries. Your prior issues are your issues. It is really unfair to project those on to him, and he apparently feels the same way. Having said that, I would give some time to let the dust settle. Have you totally blown it? Maybe. But maybe after a cooling-off period he will get back in touch. What you can learn from all of this is to get to the root of your trust issues and insecurity, and work on that before you enter into any relationship. That type of behaviour can kill attraction quickly. I totally agree. Thanks for the reply. I really feel like I blew it, I acted crazy. He had every right to change his pw and as a grown man (33) I think that was a HUGE act of immaturity on my part. I have been getting MUCH better, but basically it stems from a previous BF lying to me about a girl that was texting him (turned out to be his ex who he was cheating on me with). Yes my issues but obviously still baggage im carrying around. So so mad at myself cause this guy and my ex are incomparable... Why why why.
angel.eyes Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Out of curiosity, were you exclusive? Were you his girlfriend? I noticed that you put "relationship" in quotation marks. Just trying to understand why you acted the way you did during your visit since it seems you had several dates and a couple of visits. All along I knew he was moving back to Australia in July, but our chemistry was so strong that I kept up the communication...Sunday night he told me that "he had thought about it and I was right, we probably will not see eachother again" despite our discussions about possible visiting when we both had time off in December... Either way, unfortunately it seems he no longer wants to move forward with you. Many reasons why that might be. It sucks, but I would respect his wishes. I also think it might be helpful to work through your own issues from past relationships before attempting another.
angel.eyes Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I totally agree. Thanks for the reply. I really feel like I blew it, I acted crazy. He had every right to change his pw and as a grown man (33) I think that was a HUGE act of immaturity on my part. I have been getting MUCH better, but basically it stems from a previous BF lying to me about a girl that was texting him (turned out to be his ex who he was cheating on me with). Yes my issues but obviously still baggage im carrying around. So so mad at myself cause this guy and my ex are incomparable... Why why why. This is not his problem to deal with. Sadly,it's yours, and you're sabotaging yourself.
Author paloma22 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Out of curiosity, were you exclusive? Were you his girlfriend? I noticed that you put "relationship" in quotation marks. Just trying to understand why you acted the way you did during your visit since it seems you had several dates and a couple of visits. Either way, unfortunately it seems he no longer wants to move forward with you. Many reasons why that might be. It sucks, but I would respect his wishes. I also think it might be helpful to work through your own issues from past relationships before attempting another. We were not exclusive or anything. It seemed an unreasonable request given we were in different cities and had only gone out a handful of times. But we literally texted our lives back and forth to each other from what we ate to work events, etc etc. And it's been two years since that relationship and it'd been hard but I think I'm a much different person now and a lot less insecure. I honestly do not know what got into me, I really think it was unreasonable behaviour. So you think he doesn't want to move forward simply for that reason (my behaviour Sunday) or because he doesn't want to lead me on since he now knows how much I really care about him?
Author paloma22 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 You checked his phone, then accused him of changing the password? He not only has the right to change his dang password if he suspected you were snooping, he also has every right to be peeved about it. I wouldn't be ok with that, either. That does not show the character of a non-needy woman in any sense. It shows a jealous, insecure woman who does not respect boundaries. Your prior issues are your issues. It is really unfair to project those on to him, and he apparently feels the same way. Having said that, I would give some time to let the dust settle. Have you totally blown it? Maybe. But maybe after a cooling-off period he will get back in touch. What you can learn from all of this is to get to the root of your trust issues and insecurity, and work on that before you enter into any relationship. That type of behaviour can kill attraction quickly. What makes you think he will get back in touch?
TXGuy Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 So you think he doesn't want to move forward simply for that reason (my behaviour Sunday) or because he doesn't want to lead me on since he now knows how much I really care about him? The first one.
Assasda Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 OP sounds like a complete psycho. That guy dodged a bullet. I cant imagine someone just bring so much stress into my world for no reason
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 What makes you think he will get back in touch? Honestly, not much. I only meant that none of us know whether or not that's a final goodbye for him. I can only tell you that I've been in his position before. It didn't last long once the guy got needlessly jealous and accusatory. We still touch base now and again, but I absolutely don't see him as relationship material anymore.
Author paloma22 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Honestly, not much. I only meant that none of us know whether or not that's a final goodbye for him. I can only tell you that I've been in his position before. It didn't last long once the guy got needlessly jealous and accusatory. We still touch base now and again, but I absolutely don't see him as relationship material anymore. As an update, I heard from him this morning. All he said was hey X, hope youre having a good week! He made a comment about my dog in a photo, then said "its tough not msg'n you btw!" This makes me wonder, and is slightly confusing.
Zahara Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 As an update, I heard from him this morning. All he said was hey X, hope youre having a good week! He made a comment about my dog in a photo, then said "its tough not msg'n you btw!" This makes me wonder, and is slightly confusing. There you go being confused and insecure again. Just be casual and text back a response. Stop reading into everything and take your expectations down a few notches. "I feel like I ruined something that was so amazing." You just met the man. You were in romance and idealization mode. Don't magnify this in your head as something so amazing when you don't really know who he is and don't really have a realistic gauge on the potential of what you had together seeing that you only spent a short period of time him. People are on their best behavior in the beginning. So, don't place it all on a pedestal, so fast so soon. Keep your expectations realistic and to a minimum. 1
Author paloma22 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 There you go being confused and insecure again. Just be casual and text back a response. Stop reading into everything and take your expectations down a few notches. "I feel like I ruined something that was so amazing." You just met the man. You were in romance and idealization mode. Don't magnify this in your head as something so amazing when you don't really know who he is and don't really have a realistic gauge on the potential of what you had together seeing that you only spent a short period of time him. People are on their best behavior in the beginning. So, don't place it all on a pedestal, so fast so soon. Keep your expectations realistic and to a minimum. Ok thats fair enough but why do you think hes "trying not to msg me"? Is he playing games?
Emilia Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Ok thats fair enough but why do you think hes "trying not to msg me"? Is he playing games? No. He is trying to move on. This is about lust OP, not love. Please be realistic. Next time pick a guy that doesn't leave in 6 months.
Zahara Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Ok thats fair enough but why do you think hes "trying not to msg me"? Is he playing games? When he said, "its tough not msg'n you btw!" -- probably him being cheeky, playing for attention and keeping it light and fun. Realistically, where do you even see this going? Time to be honest and rational. Why aren't you out there dating if a relationship is what you want?
Author paloma22 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 When he said, "its tough not msg'n you btw!" -- probably him being cheeky, playing for attention and keeping it light and fun. Realistically, where do you even see this going? Time to be honest and rational. Why aren't you out there dating if a relationship is what you want? Yes youre right, hes got a very sarcastic cheeky personality. And being honest and rational, nowhere. At least not in the foreseeable future. But what I do hope is we can keep it light and continue to maintain a distant contact/friendship, and hopefully stay in touch of some sort. That way if in the future we ever cross paths, it can be friendly. I dont like to close doors for no real reason. In saying that, I want to respond very aloofly, but friendly however im also curious about that comment and why he feels he has to restrain himself from communicating like normal. but maybe i shouldnt even go there??
Zahara Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 But what I do hope is we can keep it light and continue to maintain a distant contact/friendship, and hopefully stay in touch of some sort. That way if in the future we ever cross paths, it can be friendly. I dont like to close doors for no real reason. How do you do that when every text you receive you seem to analyse and place emotion and expectation on it? If the above is what you want, then eliminate romanticizing what you had and be realistic about what you have infront of you. And go out there and keep dating. That way you aren't sitting at home and building castles in the sky with this guy. In saying that, I want to respond very aloofly, but friendly however im also curious about that comment and why he feels he has to restrain himself from communicating like normal. but maybe i shouldnt even go there?? Goodness. You just said you want to maintain distant contact/friendship -- and there you go analyzing again -- and wanting to ask him about it. I don't think you can handle this and as much as you say you have changed, you haven't. You're still insecure and may potentially burn yourself again by getting too emotional too soon.
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